spouse never learned to cope

[bandleader]

 hi all, this is my first post. When I met my wife, she was very athletic, which is a trait that I wanted to have in my family. Little did I know that she was doing it because she had to maintain a trophy daughter image, coming from a high class father. He was always always on business travel, which means my mother-in-law was left in charge. Having plenty of money as a resource,  my mother-in-law would throw money at the problem and thus my wife never really learned to cope. My wife and I have been married 15 years, and Christmas weekend she told me that her parents were all she had. I understand that both my mother and her mother have early onset Alzheimer’s, and her father has started seeing another woman. So my wife feels like her whole world has been pulled out from under her, and she is now realizing that she has to trust me more than she ever has, since  in her words, she knows the divorce rate and could always rely on her parents as a fallback just in case. So now that her parents are no longer there for her, she now has to trust me and it scares her and she feels very alone. She give up exercise as soon as she had my daughter, thinking that she no longer had to kowtow to him.  however, the end result is that she totally gave up on exercise, and so my daughter sees her example as preferred, being the easy way out, and I find myself very frustrated trying to set good examples for my daughter in terms of diet, sleep, and exercise. My wife is an alcoholic, and created credit cards  and rack them up without telling me, and she was sober for about eight years, then the drinking started again and here we are in the same situation where she racked up credit cards in my name and didn’t tell me and she went to an inpatient service, and now says that she’s tempted to drink again. I find all this incredibly frustrating, and to her  this makes me the bad guy. Neither my wife nor I have any divorce in our ancestry, and I am in it for the long run, but don’t know how much more of this come here or go away I can take. My counselor was the one that suggested that she had borderline personality disorder based on the traits that she was exhibiting, although of course there has never been a formal diagnosis. My wife is a psychology major, which makes things worse.  I am wondering if there are any support groups in the Worcester Massachusetts area that I can join, if not this online forum may be my best hope to ensuring my sanity towards understanding her and her needs. God knows that I am not perfect, but even simple things like cooking seem to be an overwhelming sure, because I have no help, because my wife is so consumed with her parents demise, and my daughter is  choosing to follow my wife, and wanting the easy way out. I am afraid that my daughter will never know what it is like to cope, such as being part of a competitive sport, because of the bad example that my wife has set. I hope that I do not sound like the worst husband in the world, but I was raised in a house where exercise, religion, and cooking, and other basics were sacred, and I am really having a hard time Adjusting to this new way of life. Any help is most appreciated. God bless, bandleader

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us and reached out for support.  You have landed in a safe place where other people understand and can support you as you navigate your way through your relationship and perhaps see what changes can be made at your end to improve things.  We all work together here and help each other.

The push pull dynamic that is common in dysfunctional relationships is very hard to deal with and can be confusing.  A lot of posters have had to learn how to respond differently when it presents. 

One piece of reassurance I do want to give as the adult daughter of a
mentally ill mother is that your daughter has a much better chance than a lot of kids do since she has a father (you) who is aware and is taking steps to learn how to support and guide her and can give her unconditional love with boundaries and stability.  It is not easy to do alone but it can be done.

Some of the people who post here have an SO who are diagnosed but a lot of us do not (we refer to them as pwBPD= people with BPD or uBPD = undiagnosed with BPD).  As you settle in and read and get more comfortable you will find that you are not alone.  I hope you feel free to ask questions, post and even jump into other threads and help others as that can help build a powerful support network.