Off work and feeling negative about future

[ortac77]

Having been with a pwBPD for a long time now I know many of the pitfalls and how to keep myself 'sane' and trying to avoid riding the emotional roller coaster. It is definitely easier when I have other things in my life to focus on like my job and the challenges and opportunities for engagement that brings thus providing a sense of balance to my life.

I am currently off work due to cardiac investigations and although I feel physically fine I am not able to work because being in a safety related industry I have to await the regulator giving me the all clear to resume working. It looks like this will extend to another 3 months before I am deemed fit!

I should also say we have just moved house (pre -retirement downsize) so a lot going on at the moment and initially I though 'great - time off to get settled'. Initially all was well and my pwBPD was positive and enthusiastic but very quickly he has lost interest and any motivation and a lot of the old behaviours (he has had DBT in the past) are surfacing.

For the past week he has totally isolated, the only communication being negative and critical and I have tried to be sympathetic and encouraging but now find myself burnt out. I am continuing to get the new house organised but am finding my thinking is now distorted, wishing I had moved on my own as it feels like I have anyway! I think a lot of my negativity is probably 'burn out' but I also realise without work I am lacking a sense of purpose and also probably because my hobby (volunteering on a heritage railway) is not available until the Spring.

OK I know this will pass but there is his nagging feeling (I retire later this year) that my being around is part of the problem and I am not sure where this thought is leading me at the moment?

Just needed to get this off my chest today

Ortac

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[Joy70]

Hi Ortac,

I hear you. I am having the exact same thoughts today: I am very much part of the problem and my mere presence is exacerbating the behaviour.

Like you, I don't know where that thought is taking me. I have two young children, and leaving is still not an option for me, I am completely convinced it would be a million times worse.

Like you, I am signed off work for a while. I am having cardiac issues also, although in my case I know it's because of the stress I am under, both at home and at work. Ironically I was told today that I don't have anything to be stressed about, my life is perfect and I this is what I always wanted (?) whereas his life is very hard but he's never been signed off with stress, he's very strong and I am very weak.

I am sorry I don't have anything ground breaking to come up with, other than to say, don't forget to focus even more on the self-care on the days it is extra tough. For me, meditation, yoga and fresh air is what keeps me sane, no exaggeration. It gives me the strength and perspective to carry on.

Best wishes, from Joy70

[ortac77]

Hi Joy

Thanks for the reply, yes I am focused on self- care and trying to do things that I enjoy -just guess I have got a bit down over the work situation because I enjoy my work and it really does help to restore a bit of 'normality'.

It's in realising this I suppose I have been overthinking and having rather dark and fearful thoughts about the future and I can see that is not healthy. It won't last and I will pull myself out of the pity pit! Having moved house I guess I am too feeling a bit out of my comfort zone too. I want to talk about the future and doing things together but at the moment that is not possible.

I am definitely part of the problem as he is used to me being away a lot with work.

Even after all this time living with a pwBPD I still have trouble adjusting when they isolate albeit I know that too is a phase that passes.