Boarding school - advice on how to message

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 15-yr-old BPD daughter hasn't yet started treatment (has a therapist team but not yet in dbt). She has a boyfriend - online so far - in a US State. She's caused a lot of issues (ambulance, police) and is still cutting (also took matches out of her room this weekend) and threatening suicide and now to kill me.
She tells us her issues are only because she lives at home (I've emailed her therapist to learn if she actually understands she needs help).
So we've gone from demanding to go to a group home, foster home, a rehab place, emancipation and now a boarding school in the same state as her boyfriend. We're open to her staying local in whatever accommodation to get treatment or a rehap place. If she gets the all-clear by a therapist team, then we will happily investigate boarding school.
We gave her this message Saturday and she exploded - yelling, threatening, hitting her head - the abuse towards me was so bad that the house cleaner left in tears.
My daughter is texting and emailing me from school - she wants to fill out the paperwork today for this school. How should I respond?
- We can discuss this later this week when your dad gets home.
- As we said Saturday, you need to finish therapy before we move on to a boarding school
- I understand you want to go to boarding school and know you would like to be close to your boyfriend; however, I won't be talking about this until I speak to your therapist team. If youcannot wait, the answer is no. If you have an outburst like you did Saturday, I'll call 911 and you'll have to be taken solo to the hospital or group home because I'm not leaving your little sister.

? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Isanni]

My 15-yr-old BPD daughter hasn't yet started treatment (has a therapist team but not yet in dbt). She has a boyfriend - online so far - in a US State. She's caused a lot of issues (ambulance, police) and is still cutting (also took matches out of her room this weekend) and threatening suicide and now to kill me.
She tells us her issues are only because she lives at home (I've emailed her therapist to learn if she actually understands she needs help).
So we've gone from demanding to go to a group home, foster home, a rehab place, emancipation and now a boarding school in the same state as her boyfriend. We're open to her staying local in whatever accommodation to get treatment or a rehap place. If she gets the all-clear by a therapist team, then we will happily investigate boarding school.
We gave her this message Saturday and she exploded - yelling, threatening, hitting her head - the abuse towards me was so bad that the house cleaner left in tears.
My daughter is texting and emailing me from school - she wants to fill out the paperwork today for this school. How should I respond?
- We can discuss this later this week when your dad gets home.
- As we said Saturday, you need to finish therapy before we move on to a boarding school
- I understand you want to go to boarding school and know you would like to be close to your boyfriend; however, I won't be talking about this until I speak to your therapist team. If youcannot wait, the answer is no. If you have an outburst like you did Saturday, I'll call 911 and you'll have to be taken solo to the hospital or group home because I'm not leaving your little sister.

? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Your last reply sounds perfect!  You have this, so lovely you have a good team of therapists and your husband handling with you.  You and they have your daughter's best interests at heart, don't hesitate a bit to do what is best for her even if that is not at all what she wants!

[Isanni]

Thanks. Actually, I find the therapists not very helpful. No real plan. I think they meet more among themselves vs with my daughter. I'd like to put her in a rehab program but haven't found one who will take an unwilling participant!

[incadove]

Ah well.  Re the boarding school, if she wants this so much is she willing to get a part time job to earn part of the cost of it?