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Author Topic: I'm in desperation here as this has put me into a loop  (Read 396 times)
Sportyman

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« on: January 14, 2019, 02:36:03 PM »

I've posted here before how my newly wed uBPDW and I had episodes of her rage on our honeymoon and once we came back we tried to get back on track which ended up in a act of suicidal behavior (knife to wrist) which was the last straw for me. I've been through a roller coaster for the last 3.5 months and have initiated the divorce paperwork. I didn't speak to her from Jan 1st to Jan 11th when she approached me at the gym (without my prior knowledge) and gave me a memory book I had made her and a few garments from our wedding... .and asked me to take a look over and see if it made me feel any emotoin. The next day she requested to meet for coffee and made statements which were "accepting responsibility for her behavior" but also stating that I quit after just one month of being married. (We were in MC for 6-8 months prior ot getting married and I tried to postpone the wedding). She stated after the final blow-up, I refused to talk through the situation and wanted to just ignore it (in reality I was so hurt and in a state of shock and just crashed hard... .). I've been coping with the fall-out of this relationship with my T and reading books and just focusing on myself and trying to keep a sense of calm and peace in my life.

She writes me a long e-mail last night highlighting how she has no worth in my eyes; and that if she married someone who didn't have such a troubled past (my dad was an alcoholic and abusive to my mother); that she would not have any of these issues and the past would not be a scar for me to carry for my life. She outlined how "quitting" is my method of dealing with difficult situations and it is my past that haunts me.

Here is what she wrote:
"Reading the parts of your email of how you look to me for the peace and love that you didn’t have growing up, it makes me realize why you’ve dealt with our recent arguments the way you have and given up on our relationship. You’ve created unrealistic expectations of me and our relationship because of your past baggage, damage and wounds. That is unfair to us. I am a human and will have flaws and will have my low moments as well, as you have over the years of our relationship. You may be the victim in your family situation, but you are not the only victim in what happened in our relationship. WE fought with each other, WE hurt each other, WE both were bad version of ourselves during that time. The second a time came where I couldn’t be your place of peace, you stopped knowing how to deal and just gave up on us. You ran for the hills and drew the conclusion that since we had a period in time of bad fights, then it MUST be a situation like your family and you want nothing to do with it. I could have done that to you back in 2015 as well, found someone else by now with NO baggage like yours, and been happily married by now. But I was a TRUE partner and stayed by you. Makes me realize my worth and what I bring to the table in a relationship. If I could be this great of a partner with someone that has these old wounds, then imagine how great of a relationship I could have with someone that doesn’t. I AM NOT YOUR PAST. We had really bad arguments and couldn’t find understanding and resolution in those moments, but that does not mean we have to be like what you saw growing up and continue that behavior. If I was married to any other man that didn’t have your past, I can guarantee that we would be working on things and have seen such an improvement by now. But it is because of your past damage that you are not able to. Even my therapist agrees that she is shocked our relationship is ending over this, and Yes, I have told her every horrible detail of our arguments. Our arguments may have been a “last straw” for you, but the buildup within you started long before I ever entered your life. If not me, the same would have likely happened with any other girl the second you had heated arguments, because lets be real… talk to ALL of your couple friends, they have all had crazy heated arguments. But in their cases, their partners don’t have as much damage as you, so they have been willing and able to work through it. In no way am I justifying our actions and words during our arguments, but how we handle things after it what matters. And you are handling things in a certain way because of your PAST. That is not fair to our PRESENT. I deserve better than this and I am worth more than this, and I think I have shown that over the years and by what I have taken on by being with you. I and WE deserve more effort and more time than what you have allowed before throwing in the towel and filing for divorce. You also deserve better than what we were in those moments, which is why I have not given up these 3.5 months and tried to make improvements in myself, but like I said at Starbucks, if you can’t see my worth to even TRY after all the dust has settled, then as much as it will hurt, it is better than our relationship ends because I deserve to be with someone who sees and appreciates my value and worth. I can guarantee VERY FEW Indian girls would take on what I took on and put all I have into you and integrating into YOUR life.

There is so much that I think still needs to be said about this email, and probably best in person, but I guess this is a start. Again, I am in NO WAY saying it was acceptable for us to fight the way we did, but we did. And what matters is what we do about it after. We either give up or try to be better than our pasts. Please read this and your email from 2015 over and over if you have to, and really let it resonate with you. Really think about what you are wanting and what you are giving up on.

I am not saying any of this is one sided. You have also done a lot for me and our relationship over the years. You have also in many ways made me a better, stronger person. I appreciate you and can acknowledge what you bring to the table as well as a partner. I have accepted ALL of you from early on, the good, the bad, and all of the ugly baggage and scars. That is a lot for a girl at 25 to take on, but I did for YOU. I still love you deeply and want to work on us. I want to give you and us the beautiful, peaceful life you described in your email to the best of my ability. I do not expect immediate overnight change and don’t expect a guaranteed outcome. All I have been asking is for us to TRY…take a step at a time and see what can come of it. I know you will say you have tried EVERYTHING, but we both know that is not true. Yes, YOU have tried A LOT. I have tried A LOT. But WE have not tried EVERYTHING. But again, if WE are not worth it to you, if you can’t separate your PAST DAMAGE, then it is best you tell me and our families to stop having hope and everyone just move on with their lives. "



After reading this over and over I am seeing the parts where she is in some way reaching out and trying to "blame" me for my past and say I am choosing to "quit" because of my upbringing or scars that I've carried. Although I'm the one that sought out MC and have stayed dedicated to my T and healing in the process of my own struggles along with the marriage/divorce.

I'm in desperation here as this has put me into a loop, I can't focus at work, I can't sleep, and I just feel an immesne amount of FOG and contemplate what amoutn of this holds truth and what is part of the emotional manipulation/hook that can loop me back in... .

Any advice/support is always much appreciated.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 03:09:48 PM »

hi Sportyman,

are you resolved to end the relationship, or are you having doubts?
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Red5
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661


« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 03:11:49 PM »

Excerpt
I AM NOT YOUR PAST

My wife says this to me all the time S-Man!

And then... .in her next breath, she will compare me to her ex husband, and then her ex boyfriends('s) who came before me... .I also get, "you treated your ex wife better than you treat me"... .

I think this is all projection... .

I know, its a whole lot to unpack... .hang in there, and as Enabler wrote in another thread, let yourself experience this hurt, let it flush out through, and out of your system... .don't respond, don't react, just feel it... .and then sleep on it.

Sometimes the best option is to just do nothing.

... .hang in there Man!

Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 05:11:14 PM »

Hi SportyMan,

I can see what you mean with how confusing that message is. I had to read it twice. I’d suggest to not JADE and zero in on what is valid with her message, put aside her blameshifting for now. Someone else may read something different or think that there is more that is valid here.

Quote from: SportyMan
I and WE deserve more effort and more time than what you have allowed before throwing in the towel and filing for divorce.

I think that this is valid it could also be because she’ comes from a south Asian culture where the divorce rates are very very low in the single digits. Divorce is taboo. That could be a part of it but I think that she doesn’t want to divorce. Maybe she wants a separation with reconciliation?
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2019, 08:29:26 PM »

Do you have an update SportyMan?
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Sportyman

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2019, 01:34:26 PM »

Hi sorry for the delay I've been focusing on going NC and just focusing on self help with journalling; therapy; etc.

After she wrote that long e-mail; the next morning she kept calling me and asking me to reply to her message of "is she worth fighting for or not; and if I'm willign to take a step forward with her or not". I told her I'm slammed at work and I'll call her from the car as I didn't want to have this conversatoin in my workplace. She kept pressuring for an answer so i replied letting her know that " I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart but this isn't going to work for me. I know this is difficult for both of us and we are both hurting in our own ways. I don't see this working or myself feeling differently. I know you have sincere and genuine efforts and I know I am at fault for this fall-out. I'm sorry."

She essentially copied nad pasted that text (ONLY) and sent it to my parents; to her friends; and to my friends saiyng "oh this is how i found out; he couldnt even call me". Again  this jsut reassured me that she is still suffering from her dysfunction. She woulnd't screenshot to anyone as she doens't want them to see full context.

In those moments, I was sad; extremely hurt; and just felt helpless. I had a deep "Crash" that day emotionally and physically where I slept early and just wasn't able to snap out of the moments of sadness. I know that at times these outcomes are out of our control and I've worked on making peace that I tried everything before our marriage for pre-martial counseling; I tried to get her help even after; and the self-harm behavior and psychosis was too much for anyone to endure.

I find out yesterday she reaches out to myaunt (who I'm close to as her husband passed away from a tragic accident) and my uBPDw told my aunt how im not willing to fight for her, i dont watn to do therapy or work at this marriage, how she put a knife to her wrist a few weeks after we got married becuase she feared I was having an affaird (I've never had any affair nor did we have any trust issues). My uBPDW also found emotional cues to my aunt which she knew would make her feel "sided" to her perspective (if that makes sense). Eventually I got a call from my aunt and explained everything and my aunt said it was the complete opposite of what I was saying (the truth... or I shall say... my "truth").

I've been NC - my uBPDw sent a message stating "You know what, don't bother. You don't deserve to ever hear my voice again. You will never see or hear from me again. You led me and my family on for months, saying you still loved me, saying a divorce filing is just a piece of paper, staying in contact, meeting up for dinners, calling me pretty, wishing me on holidays, telling me on Xmas that you were going to try your best, even just 3 days ago you told me to schedule therapy for us with my therapist. YOU had the world in your hands. You've complained for as long as I've known you that you've never felt wanted or love, and for once in your life you had all of that from me and my family and your family, but still not enough for you. I will be blocking you on all platforms after this message so you will never be able to reach me. Do not have any contact with my parents or anyone in my family. I will ask my mom to reach out to you once
to coordinate picking up all of my belongings that are still at your place, including the bucket of all our sentimental items. If you don't want to be with me then you don't get to keep any piece of me. Please delete all pictures of my from your page, I do not want any association with you as I move on with my life. I will message your family group today and say my goodbyes, and leave the group. I may be hurt and sad for a while, but I know I will soon realize this is a blessing in disguise because you know exactly what and who you were turning into. Good luck with your life. May God help you find your way again. "


Although hurtful; I know there is an exxaggeration of the true meaning of my feelings and I jsut have to make peace with knowing that she can onyl get through this being the victim; and I have to know that I did the best I could for a long amount of time.

I appreciate everyone's support; responses; and overall this community.
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2019, 05:22:10 PM »

Quote from: SportyMan
Although hurtful; I know there is an exxaggeration of the true meaning of my feelings and I jsut have to make peace with knowing that she can onyl get through this being the victim; and I have to know that I did the best I could for a long amount of time.

That sucks that she went to your family and divorcing. You don’t have kids together from the sounds of it divorce is tough but you’re not going have to go through her casting hereself as victim. You’re assertive you told her what you your needs are you did good despite how difficult a pwBPD can make situations.
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