Emailed her to see if we could try and be friends...

[clvrnn]

(We're both female)

Today was the first day we went back to university after the winter break, and she ignored and avoided not only me, but pretty much everyone in class. When I got home, I decided to email her.

I told her that it felt quite awkward and difficult to have to avoid each other at such an extreme, and would we be able to become friends, or try and sort things out, maybe. She replied, telling me that the break up had "annoyed" her and that she needs time before we can try and be friends. She expressed feeling that being involved with other people's lives is very stressful for her, and that it's easier for her to just stay isolated.

We then spoke about our relationship, and I was surprised to hear her say that it was a shame things ended like that, as we had a great connection. She doesn't usually speak about things like that, and is often blunt. That is probably the most emotional I've heard her express herself.

I do wonder (or perhaps hope) if seeing me had ignited feelings for her, too? I don't know. I know that it was the case for me. I hadn't expected her to respond to me, as she'd just spent the entire day ignoring me.

I suppose, the main thing is that, during the three weeks off, I was able to emotionally detach slightly, as I wasn't seeing her anywhere. However, today, after seeing her, I felt everything again. I am not suggesting that I try and get her back, or force her to talk to me.

I struggle with the advice of 'move on!' - for me, I am unable to just switch what I'm feeling off, and the class is so small, and I am bound to bump into her every single day, and it feels harder than it needs to be. I have thought about trying to date again, but, aside from this situation, I don't actually want to date anyone. This just happened, and I wasn't choosing to be involved with anyone.

I don't know if, now that we've spoken more, she'll perhaps gradually begin to engage with me in person. I don't know. What this did do is just reignite all the feelings. I don't really know how to handle the feelings I'm feeling - of wanting to be around her, speak to her, just for us to be close again. I feel as if I'm just going to have to let the feelings stay, because I've tried a lot to get rid of them, and they haven't gone.

I feel that I still want to be with her, but at the same time I cannot force someone to engage with me, and I don't want to pressure anyone. I feel as if I ended the conversation well, telling her that I'm there if she wants to be friends, and expressing care in the form of telling her not to isolate herself too much, as there are people that care about her. She didn't respond, but that's OK.

I don't really know what to make of any of this, and I'm just worried about how to manage my feelings, which seem to have come back full force.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

I feel that I still want to be with her, but at the same time I cannot force someone to engage with me,

One of the most helpful pieces of advice my T gave me was,  "she's a independent entity,  free to do what she wants." He was no fan of her.  It bugged me,  but I saw the wisdom in this. 

[clvrnn]

One of the most helpful pieces of advice my T gave me was,  "she's a independent entity,  free to do what she wants." He was no fan of her.  It bugged me,  but I saw the wisdom in this. 

Yes, I agree.

[Radcliff]

When I was involved in a BPD relationship in college, I felt a painful urgency to resolve all of the questions and feelings.  Many years later, I've learned to give myself permission to have the feelings but not seek immediate resolution.  To just experience them and see how they evolve over days or weeks.  A dear friend recently advised me to "embrace the questions."  I find that with this approach I have more serenity and less pain.  I have insights that I wouldn't have had if I was pressuring myself to resolve things quickly.  Using this slow approach, the best path usually opens itself up to me, and I'm more confident in it.

RC

[clvrnn]

When I was involved in a BPD relationship in college, I felt a painful urgency to resolve all of the questions and feelings.  Many years later, I've learned to give myself permission to have the feelings but not seek immediate resolution.  To just experience them and see how they evolve over days or weeks.  A dear friend recently advised me to "embrace the questions."  I find that with this approach I have more serenity and less pain.  I have insights that I wouldn't have had if I was pressuring myself to resolve things quickly.  Using this slow approach, the best path usually opens itself up to me, and I'm more confident in it.

RC

This sounds like a truly peaceful way of dealing with things. In my past, I have been anxious and frantic, trying urgently to solve things then and there. In this particular conversation, I began feeling like that, and was able to pull it back and deal with the uncomfortable feelings as well as accept what the person was telling me (at least, communicate to them that I accepted it, even if I didn't want to inside) - this seemed to work, as the conversation remained calm.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on being able to be mindful and slow things down.   
 That's a huge tool.  With more practice, you'll find yourself being able to mindfully pause for longer, and in tougher situations.

RC

[clvrnn]

I have just been with her for a few hours, and we spoke about everything that has gone on. I asked her how she felt about me, and her answers, within the same conversation went from

"I don't know what I want"

"When I get on with someone as well as I do with you, it's hard not to do anything about it"

"We can be friends"

"It's (us) is never going to happen"

It is a running joke with us that she is flaky and often changes her mind. She herself admits this, and during this conversation, I even said "well, you've made a decision today, but who knows what tomorrow will bring!" - she laughed and agreed that it is what she does.

When I arrived home, I messaged her asking if she had got home alright. We then spoke again about everything, and she says she enjoys my company a lot, and that it isn't that she doesn't have feelings for me ("I do have feelings for you, I just suppress them when I need to") but just wants to be friends. In the past, as I've said, she says things that she often retracts on, often appearing 'fickle' and changing her mind all the time. I respect that she may MEAN she wants to be friends, but based on past patterns and behaviours, it is difficult to view anything she says as 'final'. Within a week, for example, she went from wanting to not talk to me to messaging me constantly.

So, I now have the option of being 'friends' with her, or remaining distant from her. I am unsure what is the best decision to make, here. I enjoy her company a lot, even on a non-romantic level. We are highly attuned to each other, and have so many things in common, and I have so much fun when I am around her. However, I am not naive to think that my feelings for her will die out, this way. I also know, from past patterns, that she is likely to change her mind and become involved with me, again - although I am not naive enough again to think that this is a guarantee, and I am not counting on it happening.

I have never been in this situation before. I would like to remain friends with her, and to try and eradicate my feelings somehow, but I don't know how feasible that is. I don't know what decision to make for the best.

[once removed]

I would like to remain friends with her, and to try and eradicate my feelings somehow, but I don't know how feasible that is. I don't know what decision to make for the best.

if this is what you would like to do, and your plan, you need "friends only" boundaries.

what i mean by that is to live and treat this as friends only. dont do anything with her that you wouldnt do with a friend.

obviously different friendships have different contexts. for example, i flirt sometimes with one of my friends (just friends), i dont with others; its safe, it works for us where it wouldnt with others. it will be an awkward transition, and it usually is.

ideally, the heart will catch up with the head. dont count on her to do this or make it easy. not only will it be a bit awkward for her too, she admits she has some level of feelings, she may have doubts or second thoughts, flirt with you, or she may talk about someone shes interested in in the future, a whole host of things. i know when ive been in this situation, i wanted the other person to be more attentive and contact me more and was upset when they wouldnt, because i hadnt quite made the transition yet. guard your heart within reason. get good feedback if something comes up that upsets you.

[Radcliff]

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

RC