Longest breakup ever

[MiaP]

 
I haven’t posted in a while but today I’m feeling really desperate because it’s as if time has helped me, I feel like I have found myself and I’m ready for the rest of my life to begin, but still feel captive of the fear.

I was reading through some of my old posts and just realised that I have been ready to move on for a long time but just can't seem to actually do it.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324362.msg12961326#msg12961326

I still life in fear of his reactions. Fear of his rages, his blaming, his threats.  I thought some sort of contact was possible but maybe the only way is to not have any contact whatsoever. Don’t know how that will go since we have children…

I am comfortable in having him in my life, in co parenting, attending school events and that sort of thing but that’s it. And it clearly hasn't been working! I can’t say time hasn’t helped, I can tell from a word here and there that very very slowly he has been coming to terms with the end of the relationship but it’s as if he takes one step in that direction and then 2 steps back. Lately he tells me everyday how he won’t be able to live if I start seeing someone else. “I woke up in the middle of the night and even threw up just thinking you were with someone else”, “I rather die than seeing you with someone else”– that’s the sort of things he tells me.

Last night he came to my house and ended up telling me he had seen a conversation I had with a friend on my phone, in which I told her a co-worker invited me out. After that he just went into full blown rage, threatening, blaming, accusing, the usual…

I’m just so tired of living in fear of his reactions, feeling guilty and as if I did something wrong.




 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MiaP, It sounds like you could benefit from boundaries (see Tools, above) which will help to limit your exposure to him.  It also seems that he is employing FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) as a means to manipulate you.  Does that sound accurate? 

LuckyJim

[MiaP]

Hi Lucky Jim,

what you say seems accurate but I have been aware of it for a long time, what bothers me is that I haven't been able to free myself from FOG, which I believe I should have... .Don't want to beat myself up too much but it's frustrating that I've understood for so long that he is the way he is and I no longer expect any better, so why do I still feel guilty and fearful? I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm just taking his threats too seriously and how to deal with that.

Boundaries are helpfull but it's wearing me down, it's like a full time job to keep boundaries, he keeps pushing and pushing all the time. Maybe that's just the way it is but it's frustrating.

[Mutt]

Do you think that space would help by self protection? That goes into what Lucky Jim about boundaries is he telling this face to face, by text or email or WhatsApp? You mentioned co parenting I parallel parent with my exuBPDw and I don’t mind if we’re at the same functions I go to the parent teacher I trévires seperatly though because it’s less distracting she feels bad if the kids are struggling in an area the shell triangulate me with the teacher - it’s counter productive.

Personally it sounds like you’re attached and being away from somethingvgir awhile will help you look at things more objectionable and differently you’ll probably find that the FOG isn’t going to have the same effect as it used to.

It’s none of his business if you spend time with friends or if you’re on a date. Another thing that you probabmy already know that’s effective because a pwBPD can’t attach themselves to something that you said and cause more drama is JADE, don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

[Lucky Jim]

Boundaries are helpfull but it's wearing me down, it's like a full time job to keep boundaries, he keeps pushing and pushing all the time. Maybe that's just the way it is but it's frustrating.

Hello again, MiaP, Right, those w/BPD will trample all over your boundaries, if you let them.  Your task is to stand firm, while disengaging.

I agree w/Mutt: your social life is none of his business, so don't JADE.  Instead, I suggest you decline to participate.  Those w/BPD seek to get you engaged in their world, often through FOG.  One strategy is to notice when you sense pressure and then step back and observe that you are being manipulated, at which point you decline to respond to the pressure.  Does that make sense to you?

LJ

[MiaP]

In this particular occasion it was face to face. I have managed to limit phone calls, messages, etc, before, and it seemed to me that it was going well, maybe I could relax a bit. Big mistake. Maybe now it's going to be even harder, I'll have to start over again... .

Parallel parenting means less interaction between the parents, is that it? What about birthday parties and such, is only one parent present at a time, how does that work?

Personally it sounds like you’re attached and being away from something awhile will help you look at things more objectionable and differently you’ll probably find that the FOG isn’t going to have the same effect as it used to.

Do you mean attached to him? As in still in love with him?

It’s none of his business if you spend time with friends or if you’re on a date. Another thing that you probabmy already know that’s effective because a pwBPD can’t attach themselves to something that you said and cause more drama is JADE, don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Can you please clarify what you mean by "a pwBPD can’t attach themselves to something that you said"? You're absolutely right, it's none of his business but he acts as if we are still in a relationship! He went trought my phone and I'm the one who did something wrong?

[Mutt]

Parallel parenting means less interaction between the parents, is that it? What about birthday parties and such, is only one parent present at a time, how does that work?

Think of two parallel lines one line is one home and the other line is the other home when you comparent you have to cross that line to parent and a person that has a high conflict personality has many many opportunities to create conflict and drama it’s very distressing, emotionally draining and it affects the kids as well.

Parallel parenting means that the other parent has no say in the day to day routine of your house and vice versa so it cuts the conflict out at the source, interactions, decision making etc...  The two homes run parallel to each other side by side without interjecting with each other.

To answer your question about birthday parties you have two of them one at mom’s house and one at dads house and mom and dad don’t attend the other parents party. It’s not perfect there at things that are going to fall through the cracks , it doesn’t every situation just like co-parenting doesn’t suit everyone’s needs.

Do you mean attached to him? As in still in love with him?

Attachment doesn’t always mean love anger for example can mean that you’re attached to someone because you’re letting them affect your feelings. Let me ask you a question could you interact with him less? Would you miss him? Would you feel guilty like you’re letting him down?

Can you please clarify what you mean by "a pwBPD can’t attach themselves to something that you said"?

I’ll use switch on and switch off days for the kids. Let’s say that it’s my week with kids and it’s Friday the court order says simply exchanges are to be made on Friday’s. You have a routine the kids have a routine and the court order us not specific there’s a lot of room there for interpretation l, an opportunity for a pwBPD to create conflict. So my exuBPDw is out of town and decides to drive back home later in the day, it’s a 6 hour trip because she wants to stay for something out of town. You have plans with the kids that evening and she’s coming into later and I ask her when do you think you’ll be back in town because have plans with the kids and she’s says well the court order says exchanges will be made on Fridays and technically that means up to 23:59, that could start a fight.

So you have to tighten things up as much as possible to leave no room for interpretations or chances to bait or pick a fight. My court order reads exchanges will be made on Fridays st 1830 at the other parents house so she has to come to my house to get the kids at a specific time.

So he looked through your phone and projected the action on you because he feels bad about it and he’s blame shifting to assign his actions to you. I’d be upset and defensive and I’d say something about it it’s in his nature to project what you said to him back that’s I mean by attaching himself to something that you said. If you don’t JADE it takes those chances for him to use something to blame you or start arguing with you you can’t argue with someone if they’re not responding or giving them something for you to argue back with them because you have nothing.

[Lucky Jim]

he acts as if we are still in a relationship! He went trought my phone and I'm the one who did something wrong?

Hey MiaP, He has no right to go through your phone so I wouldn't put up with that.  You have to draw a line somewhere.  Your private life is private!  No, you did nothing wrong.

LJ

[MiaP]

Let me ask you a question could you interact with him less? Would you miss him? Would you feel guilty like you’re letting him down?

I would definitely not miss him, maybe I'd feel a little guilty even though rationaly I don't think I have anything to feel guilty about. Mostly I feel sorry because I can understand that his suffering is real. I also feel very sad that he seems unable to be present in our childrens life if I'm not in the picture.