Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:50:53 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I need a translator.  (Read 405 times)
Nickerdoodle

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11


« on: January 16, 2019, 09:06:11 AM »

I've been reading these boards for over ten years.  It has helped a lot but I am confounded by this email from my dad.

Typical abusive undiagnosed family.  Mother is a monster.  Dad wasn't quite as bad or maybe my perception is off in regards to him because you don't slap a child when she gets her first kiss from a boy and call her a slut.  You don't let your wife abuse your child and say nothing.  You don't join in from time to time in her abuse.  Anyway, dad called me the other day to discuss the will.  He is struggling with the right thing to do.  His words.

This is the email I sent him followed by his email... .

... .For me it started as a child.  The unfairness of having a parent choose to love her son more than she loved her daughters compounded by her unrelenting meanness has created an enormous and permanent spiritual wound in me and a suspicious nature.  I try to deal with it.  I even thought I was doing a pretty good job of it but all it takes is a little more perceived unfairness and it is like the bandaid is ripped off all over again.  The wound is still that raw.  I see that I am a lot more fragile than I thought.  What I don't understand and sis doesn't understand is the secrecy.  Is this a secret because the will isn't going to be fair?  Why did you mail me a life insurance with me listed as the beneficiary and not sis?  You told me you didn't send her one.  Sis and I wonder if the reason for wanting to leave something to the grandchildren is because maybe you really want to leave something to your son's son whom you adore.  That hurts because it feels like more favoritism for brother and his family.  Years ago mother told me she thought it would be nice if he got the house because he has kids.  My sisters had kids, too.  No mention of them.  She also told sis that her son's son is getting her car.  What does my sister's daughter get?  You see?  Maybe you didn't know these things were going on.  I assumed some things but it came from experiences in this family and the secrecy.  I can't help how I feel.  I was set up to feel this way. 

Sis said it was only fair that I explain how I feel and that maybe you can't understand the impact of the past unless I explain it.  That is fair. I'm not a monster.  I love you so much but I can't worry about this anymore.

He took a day and sent me this email this morning... .

... .For starters I cain't find any validity in what you are saying as for your mother's car is the last thing that he wants - my regrets is that he don't want it. I don't want to spend time on trying to justify what you have dreamed up. You don't have a clue on what I will do, you only sit out there and conjure up the worst I could do without giving me any respect or desires to make everything equal to the best of my ability. i want you to spend time in trying to to get off alcohol (I have been sober 21 years!) and getting your mind on good things. You cain't continue drinking and upset everyone in the family, just think good things and I'm not the crook that you think I am and you will do much better. As for as your mother in your childhood days all mothers get frusted and say thing that is far from the way they feel. Look around as I believe some one out there is controlling your mind, get away from them, try getting a job (I just shut down by business by choice in September and am taking a few months off to get some weight off before looking this May for a job.) and that will take away some of the depression.
I don't know of any family member that against you - You are worst enemy and its wrecking you. I'm guessing but Hitler had plans to control peoples mind, what about Hitler. I'm telling you for your own good that any one thats for TRUMP HAS TURNED AWAY FROM DEMOCRACY, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST THINK WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE.




Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2019, 11:08:11 AM »

Have you gotten into arguments about politics, or is he just throwing out that list bit at random?

It certainly hurts to be treated as someone of less value than your siblings.  My ex was hurt years ago when her father said that he wanted to pay off the house so he could leave something to his sons. She also has a sister.  She also gave them a few hundred a month after she moved out while they never made the sons who lived at home pay a dime in rent. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Nickerdoodle

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11


« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2019, 12:02:32 PM »

Thank you for your response.  We use to talk about politics.  I was a Trump supporter to some degree.  They don't feel as I do or did.  I stopped talking to them about politics two years ago because they get upset.  I guess he was just stabbing at me.  I have never supported Hitler.  I figure my honesty and trying to resolve anything that could be backfired.  I knew it would the moment I wrote it but I had to try one last time.  Just can't figure the Trump and Hitler reference.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2019, 01:28:21 PM »

Obama was going to put people in FEMA camps. 

Bush was going to put people in FEMA camps; he was also Hitler. 

Then there was Reagan and Black Helicopters. 

People believe what they need to believe. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2019, 02:33:47 PM »

... .For starters I cain't find any validity in what you are saying

thats an inherently invalidating approach 

what do you want to do? did you respond?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2019, 07:48:53 PM »

Excerpt
I was set up to feel this way.

Sharp jab: "It is your fault I am like this dad". Even if true, it hurts knowing you failed as a father, especially coming from your kids.

Excerpt
He is struggling with the right thing to do.  His words.

Let's take a look at his side:

Excerpt
For starters I cain't find any validity in what you are saying as for your mother's car is the last thing that he wants - my regrets is that he don't want it

He's defensive, hopefully you can see why: he's trying to "do the right thing" after a lifetime of neglect. He probably doesn't even know what "doing the right thing" even means, so any small gesture he sees as a grandiose act of generosity.

He acknowledges his favoritism, though it may not be simply "all to him".

I don't know your full story, but my dad also looks out particularly after my older brother because he struggled so very much with him growing up. He didn't know how to be a father, so he made too many mistakes with him, and we brothers were simply "well enough adjusted" that he never really "needed" to put too much attention on us, we'd be fine, but he wouldn't, he'd mess up, dad had to look out for him, and it never stopped even after my brother got married, had his kid, graduated first of his class and landed a good job.

So yeah, I get your struggle, try and see his for what it is.

Excerpt
You cain't continue drinking and upset everyone in the family (I have been sober 21 years!)

I can't comment much on this but it seems there's a scar on the whole family from this. Maybe he hasn't processed it, maybe you lost contact during/right after this, maybe he still fears it will happen again, maybe all of the above, no way to know for sure.

Excerpt
I'm not the crook that you think I am and you will do much better. As for as your mother in your childhood days all mothers get frusted and say thing that is far from the way they feel.

In other words: "I'm sorry I was not the father you needed me to be, please forgive me so we can move forward. As for your mom, I truly believe that she didn't mean all those things and did the best she could given the circumstances, unfortunately I have no way to express my sympathy other than to justify her behavior like this"

Same message different words, the "anger frosting" is thin enough that we can hopefully see right through. There is love in there I'm sure, they have very poor skills to show it, and it shows how painful it is for them as well.

Excerpt
I don't know of any family member that against you - You are worst enemy and its wrecking you. I'm guessing but Hitler had plans to control peoples mind, what about Hitler. I'm telling you for your own good that any one thats for TRUMP HAS TURNED AWAY FROM DEMOCRACY, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST THINK WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE.

My dad feared we would get AIDS from hidden needles in the movie theater seat cushions. It was a mixed "are you for real? like seriously... ." and "aww, you look out for us in the weirdest way dad" 

In other words, he cares, but he believes silly things  I think your dad is in the same situation.

Excerpt
Dad wasn't quite as bad or maybe my perception is off in regards to him because you don't slap a child when she gets her first kiss from a boy and call her a slut.

The road to hell is paved with the best intentions. They grew up in a different time, and although that doesn't give them the right, they simply didn't know better. You are part of the last generation were this kind of upbringing was being abolished, but not yet completed. My brother is part of that generation too, I was spared the worst of it. We live in a particular time and place in this world, and we don't get to decide. We do get to decide how to move forward from it, how to make our world a better place.

Anyway, talking about wills means talking about death, which is bad enough in a healthy family, let alone a dysfunctional one. I hope my "translation"   at least gives you some perspective given what I have experienced as well.

Good luck!
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Panda39
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2019, 09:58:15 PM »

Excerpt
... .For starters I can't find any validity in what you are saying
Invalidating everything you've said (that sucks )

Excerpt
as for your mother's car is the last thing that he wants - my regrets is that he don't want it.
Your brother doesn't want the car... .but if he did we would give it to him (not to you or your sisters)

Excerpt
I don't want to spend time on trying to justify what you have dreamed up.
Invalidating you again.

Excerpt
You don't have a clue on what I will do, you only sit out there and conjure up the worst I could do without giving me any respect or desires to make everything equal to the best of my ability.

Invalidating your feelings again and blame shifting... .you are the bad one not him.

Excerpt
i want you to spend time in trying to to get off alcohol (I have been sober 21 years!) and getting your mind on good things. You cain't continue drinking and upset everyone in the family,
Again shifting blame to you... .you are the problem not him.

Excerpt
just think good things and I'm not the crook that you think I am and you will do much better
Just believe what he wants you to believe (go along to get along) and things will be better for you.

Excerpt
As for as your mother in your childhood days all mothers get frustrated and say thing that is far from the way they feel.

Invalidating your experience again.

Excerpt
Look around as I believe some one out there is controlling your mind, get away from them, try getting a job
"someone" is controlling your mind because you have different thoughts and view than he does. And he can't control what you are thinking like he wants to.

Excerpt
I don't know of any family member that against you

Invalidating your experience and feelings again.

Excerpt
- You are worst enemy and its wrecking you. I'm guessing but Hitler had plans to control peoples mind, what about Hitler. I'm telling you for your own good that any one thats for TRUMP HAS TURNED AWAY FROM DEMOCRACY, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST THINK WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE.
Have no idea what any of this means?

As the daughter of a mother that clearly loved my brother more than me, I believe everything you are experiencing because I have too. 

I finally figured out that I would never get what I needed from my mother (acceptance of my authentic self) and that she would never get from me what she wanted (the perfect reflection of her) and I was able to finally accept that we are who we are.  I have lowered my expectations around my mother (so I'm no longer disappointed), I no longer accept her comments about me as the gospel truth (they are only her opinions and no longer hurt as much) and I no longer try to be something I'm not to please her.

The only people we control in this world is ourselves.  You can't control the things your parents, say, believe, or feel. You only control you. What if you stopped trying to get them to be fair? And accept that, that's who they are and what they do... .they are unfair.  What if you stopped trying to compete with your brother/siblings for your parents affection/attention/stuff? What if you stopped looking for validation from people that can't give it?  What if you looked for validation from those in your life that can give it? Do you think you could find radical acceptance? Do you think you could accept and let go?

More on Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Panda39
Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2019, 07:00:31 AM »

This would be a similar reaction if I brought up how I was raised to either of my parents.

My mother clearly prefers a sibling over me. ( and what my mother wanted, my father went along with ). I used to cry about it as a child and she'd get angry at me. Even family friends have remarked about the preference. It's so obvious, but they would deny it if I said anything to them.

If I had any advice, I would not dwell on the will being even. The will reflects who they are and they can do what they want with it. I faced this when my father passed away. Any money became hers- I didn't want that, but I did want some sentimental belongings but she refused to let me have them- she even wrote me out of the will, and then later wrote me in.

I don't know what is in the will and at this point, I don't care.  I thought of a will as expressing sentiment and blessings to future generations- wanting loved ones to have something to remember the person by.  I think I was hoping for some approval, some proof that my father loved me if he wanted me to have something. However, a will can also reflect the thinking of a disordered person. For me, it was easier to not take my mother's decisions personally.


Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2019, 08:06:06 AM »

Hi, NickerdoodleWelcome new member (click to insert in post) You’ve been reading here for 10 years plus. Although not always posting, you’re a veteran. I’m sorry that your father has invalidated you like that. It sounds like he’s gaslighting you a lot. You know, your situation sounds quite similar to what I went through with my folks. They’re both dead, but the memories aren’t. When I was 21 I called them both out in person about the abuse that they perpetuated on me. They looked baffled and denied every bit of it. I left the exchange questioning my reality and feeling like a crazy person. I was scared of my level of sanity. It didn’t take me long for me to move past those feelings. I know what happened to me is real.

I know how much it hurts to have your reality denied by someone who is supposed to be such an important figure in your life. To be invalidated by the enth degree. Try to understand and realize that your father is probably a very miserable person at his core.

You reacted in certain ways to the things that you had to endure. There’s no shame in this. We cope the way that we do until we become more aware of ourselves and learn to cope in healthier ways. It’s a process. A journey. It’s not okay for him to take what was ultimately caused by him and your mother and throw it in your face like that. Ultimate denial. His denial isn’t your’s to own. How are you feeling today?
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Nickerdoodle

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11


« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2019, 09:22:38 AM »

Thank you all for responding.  Over the years I have gone around and around with my mother trying to get her to "see".  I won't cry one tear when she dies but dad these last couple of years seems to have softened.  My sister was reluctant to see that but I almost had her convinced that he was trying.  Then she told me the last several years mom and dad have been having Christmas dinner with our brother and wife and excluding her.  He did it again this year to her.  Periodically he has verbalized to me and my sister that mother is torturing him and that he now understands how hard it was on the girls.  He said he even had told mother "Can't we enjoy all of our children?  We still have two daughters alive and not just the brother?"  Because he seemed like he was softening I let him in.  Maybe people can change a little.  He has asked me to call mother everyday because it helps him.  It calms her down and she leaves him alone.  I call everyday for him even though she bites me nearly every time in some way.  Still I was doing it for him and to be 100% honest I was doing it so I could convince myself he does love me and he is trying to change.  It was a hoax. He knew just how to sweet talk me and I responded.  All he wanted was to manipulate me so I would get her off his back.  He didn't care how much it hurt me and I did express to him that my calls are for his benefit.

He asked me my thoughts on the will.  I told him I thought he needed to divide it among his four children one of which is dead.  I say that so that her 25% could help her kids who are still alive.  He did not see the logic in that and explained that one of her kids he can't locate.  My sister and I both know that is BS.  We know where the grandchild is.  He just doesn't want to do it that way.  Told me so.  

How do I feel today?  Free.  Radical acceptance introduced itself.  I feel like without this load on me of guilt and misplaced responsibility I have something to look forward to. I don't know how many more years I have on this planet and I don't want to spend one more minute trying to fix the past and trying to get his love.  It has no value to me now because I would never be able to trust it. As for his treatment of his kids being the way it was because of the way he was raised in the past that is an unacceptable excuse to me.  Seems to me he would try to do better because of his experiences.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2019, 10:54:01 AM »

Nickerdoodle, I sense independence in your last post. You’ve made a stand which was hard to do. You’ve brought your situation here amongst peers that understand and get it. Kudos for taking that step. We appreciate you contributing to our community.

I won't cry one tear when she dies

I lived this. I sat beside my mom when she took her last breath. I didn’t cry at either of my parents funerals. I don’t hold any guilt over that.

he has verbalized to me and my sister that mother is torturing him

Because he seemed like he was softening I let him in.  Maybe people can change a little.  He has asked me to call mother everyday because it helps him.

I’m not involved in your situation obviously, but this really stuck out to me. Could it be that he is “softening” to help himself? You’ve been here for a long time. Are you familiar with triangulation?  Here’s a link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I’m glad to hear that you feel a sense of freedom and that you’ve mentioned Radical Acceptance.

Keep on posting with us. The unique aspect of this community is synergy. Posting our problems and starting conversations about them draws our peers into common ground that they didn’t know existed. Thank you for sharing.

Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!