I need help. Verbal and physical abuse

[Sluisel]

I have an adult daughter with undiagnosed BPD.
She has verbally and physically abused me many times in her 42 years. I have tried over and over and over again to get her to seek a diagnosis and treatment to no avail. We had a particularly bad incident over Christmas during which she hit me and now denies that it happened. It is always my fault and I am the one hurting her and not appreciating what she is doing for herself her husband and her kids. I sincerely do not know how to continue doing this with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board though I am so sorry for what brings you here.

What do you do when she hits you?  Can you describe a typical situation where this happens?  Is she also violent with her husband?  Kids?  What sort of support do you have in your real life?  You have us here now, which is why I am so glad you reached out to us for help.

I hope you feel comfortable and share more and settle in and read and start posting in other threads as it will help you to have connections and see how others handle their own situations.

Again, I am glad you found us

[Manifest32f]

Hi Sluisel:

Welcome to the site where you can find lots of support and resources. I am sorry to hear about the hitting incident with your udBPD during Christmas. Was this the first time? What led to it? Are you safe? Did you get some outside help? Did you get hurt & if so, how bad? Did you get medical help/call for help/file a complaint? I am sorry I am asking a lot of questions, but I am very concerned and want you to know that you have to make sure you are safe. Are you afraid she might do it again? If you are, please seek some professional help and if you are a senior citizen, please find out if you can get some guidance through adult services and also file a complaint if you so desire, so you can be safe. If your daughter denies hitting you, did she space out or is she in denial? Either way, it’s very clear she needs help.

A couple of years ago, my daughter pushed me away during an argument and I fell down (but luckily didn’t get hurt). My daughter was shocked by her behavior and profusely apologized and asked that I don’t get too close to her when she gets very angry and verbally lashes at me. From that time, I started moving away from her when she starts her tirade, stating that we will continue the conversation when she is calmer. It sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t, but I go into my bedroom and close the door partially so that I can get out of the way and into safe space. I am not always doing it right but I am learning and I learnt it here. I see small changes, very minute, but change nonetheless. So maybe you can read up on boundaries and how to implement it to try out with your daughter? Just a suggestion. Please take care and be safe.

We are here for each other.

[Sluisel]

She has hit me a handful of times - once was when I was visiting her and her family and I was sleeping in the family room. I woke up in the middle of the night to her hitting my head. I was able to get her back to bed and I was not really injured. Since then whenever she visits me or I visit her I make sure I am sleeping behind a door that can be locked. The incident during my Christmas visit to her home involved the police being called by neighbors twice because of the volume and combative things she was yelling. I was able to get her two children out of the home just as she started hitting her husband. To my knowledge she has never in any physical way hurt the kids and I do believe that her husband would tell me if she did. I am safe now in that I live a five hour drive away from her. Immediately following the incident right after the Christmas incident she was very apologetic and contrite but within a couple of days she denied that anything had happened and is very angry with me because I am not over it. I just started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. Does it help to learn a different wording of conversations with a BPD person to minimize the counter response?

[Feeling Better]

Hello Sluisel,

I would like to join the others in saying how sorry I am to hear of your daughter being physically violent towards you. I am glad to hear though that you are now safe back in your own home, but sorry that you still have not managed to get over the incident. It will take time.   What support do you have now that you are back home?

You say that you live a five hour drive away from your daughter, how often do you usually tend to visit her, or her visit you?

Does it help to learn a different wording of conversations with a BPD person to minimize the counter response?

There are certainly skills here that you can read about and use to help when communicating with your daughter. There are a couple that come to mind, here are the links for you:

Don’t react, Respond with S.E.T

If your current approach is not working, change it

I hope that you find them useful.

FB x