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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Healthier Dating: How do you know when it's time to move in together?  (Read 390 times)
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« on: January 18, 2019, 01:34:55 PM »

so youre in a committed relationship. its time to take that next step. to test the waters, move in together, and see how things play out.

or is it?

and when is it?

one thing i read a lot of is how quickly many of us made the move to live with our ex partners. some of us even moved states or countries.

in looking toward future or even current new relationships, lets explore some questions:

  • Do you have a rule of thumb on how long you should be in a relationship before moving in together? Or is it more of a feeling?
  • In what ways can moving in together improve a relationship
  • In what ways can moving in together complicate a relationship
  • Going forward, do you intend to do things differently than you have in the past?

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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2019, 06:30:23 PM »

My answer: never move in with someone you are not married to.  It indicates a commitment you have not made. It is playing house, not real life. Studies show people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who do not because they are not as committed to the institution of marriage.
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« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2019, 06:42:29 AM »

Good topic, once removed. As Speck used to say, I’ll bite.

Do you have a rule of thumb on how long you should be in a relationship before moving in together? Or is it more of a feeling?

It has most definitely been a feeling for me, and my feelings have lead me astray. I’ve recognized this about myself. It’s kind of like this. I’ve always considered myself as a logical adult. I understand what logic is and the important role that it plays in making decisions, but upon reflection I’ve realized how many important life decisions I’ve made based upon my feelings. I wonder if my feelings are what bring me to the place to put logic to use. It’s like I was skipping a step in the decision making process.

My T has recommended a model for the future if I ever decide to put myself back out there. She recommended “dating” for the first year and a half. She emphasized dating. No pressure of commitment during this period. I’ve never been one to date multiple people at a time and never will be, but this also means being aware that a potential partner may want to see other men. This makes sense to me and is a whole new understanding. If, during this time period, a potential partner doesn’t want to see anyone else, it’s an indicator that that person may be very interested in commitment with me. The next step is the 3 year mark. My T has told me that this is a pretty safe time to trust that you know this person well enough to decide whether or not cohabitation is a good idea. It’s a whole new way of thinking for me, but logically, it makes sense.

In what ways can moving in together improve a relationship

Honestly, I’ve never made the right decisions to be able to answer this question on how it improved things. Things actually went in the opposite direction. Both times were expedited by feelings. The first was by being proposed to by my exgf. Yes, she proposed to me after about 6 months. Ring and all. She even got down on her knees. The second was by becoming pregnant with our Son after being together for 4 months. It was all out of how I felt. I felt honored and adored to be asked for my hand in marriage. I felt obligated and blessed to be having a child and starting a family. Both hit me like a ton of bricks and I was unable to step back and look at the situations with logic.

In what ways can moving in together complicate a relationship

In my experience, both parties not knowing the other well enough. In both of my experiences the move-ins were during the honeymoon phase. My Son was also conceived during this phase and I went all in. Financially and emotionally. I’m now bankrupt in both areas.

Going forward, do you intend to do things differently than you have in the past?

If I decide to put myself out there again, I certainly do. Part of this is outlined in my answer to the first question. Along with that, through therapy and spending a lot of time here, I’m becoming very self aware and this is becoming a very important key to unlocking a lot of my confusion and answering the questions as to where I should be looking for answers.

Thanks for this exercise, once removed.
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2019, 10:42:21 AM »

Do you have a rule of thumb on how long you should be in a relationship before moving in together? Or is it more of a feeling?

i don't have any rules of thumb time wise, but it would surprise me to have to have a conversation like this before at least the 2 year mark. preferably i'd want to wait a long while before even considering it. let's say 4-5 years. but it all depends on the relationship and how i feel about it. moving in is serious business. it is another level of commitment, another way of life. i guess it would be my version of 'well, we're in this for the long haul and we both know it and want it'. can the relationship support that? can it grow into it? these are the main questions.

In what ways can moving in together improve a relationship

this one gets lost on me. i've really only had experiences that didn't end so well on the moving in front. but i imagine that a successful transition to a cohabitation deal would really be a test of our compassion and ability to compromise. could it improve a relationship singlehandedly? i don't think so. it could, however, make a great relationship even better, if everyone has the skills to make it work

In what ways can moving in together complicate a relationship

ha, this is really where i have my experience. moving in can complicate all sorts of things. finances and time seem to pop out the most to me. i am protective of my alone time. i need it to think, reflect, and ultimately, to make choices that i think will improve my life.

and then for practical stuff. how are the household responsibilities getting negotiated and split? how are we keeping the relationship alive and active now that we're around each other all the time? money is also a very concrete thing that can destabilize a relationship. who's paying the bills? who's buying the food? how's that all gonna work?

in short, it's a lot to change with one decision. so we better both be confident about it and willing to discuss all of this stuff rationally and with love.

Going forward, do you intend to do things differently than you have in the past?


absolutely. i'd be more regimented. have firmer boundaries about what i require. really try to negotiate and problem solve rather than just giving my partner their way. and most importantly, truly be confident that this is what i want and not just something i feel pressured to do.

in summary, any moving in stuff would have to be for the right reasons: cause i think this thing is the real deal and have had that belief justified by a significant period of time spent with my partner
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2019, 10:52:34 AM »

Good questions. This series is very timely for me, as I'm about a month in to a new relationship that feels like it has long-term potential. I was with my BPDxw for around 16 years, then separated and divorcing for three years. This is my first relationship since the divorce.

Do you have a rule of thumb on how long you should be in a relationship before moving in together? Or is it more of a feeling?

My feelings on this might be a little stricter than someone who isn't dealing with the baggage of paying maintenance, sharing custody, etc. As a rule of thumb, I'd say a year is a good starting point. Because of those complications above, there would have to be some thoughtful discussions of the logistics and finances. It's not just a couple of young singles renting a moving truck.

In what ways can moving in together improve a relationship

I think it can satisfy an urge for closeness and connectedness if you're feeling that isn't deep enough in your current dating situation, especially if you foresee a life together. It might help with finances, travel arrangements, that sort of mundane thing.

In what ways can moving in together complicate a relationship

You have to renegotiate what kind of privacy and personal time you have. (I'm somewhat introverted and treasure both of those, so moving in with someone is something of a sacrifice for me.) All of the usual challenges about merging two (different) lifestyles and habits. Who's doing the chores, who's cooking? And that, my friends, is the EASY stuff. The woman I'm seeing and I each have a teenage kid. Apparently, they expect to be able to live with us, too, and have their needs considered. Who knew, right?

Going forward, do you intend to do things differently than you have in the past?

Absolutely. Moving in with someone is something I consider optional ... .and not necessarily optimal, for all the reasons expressed above. It's not a necessary evolution of a committed, loving relationship for someone at my stage of life.
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2019, 03:37:40 PM »

Hi once removed,

I don't know if I'll live with a woman again, currently my gf comes from a different culture and in her religion if you're in a r/s with someone you have to marry them, r/s's, PDA's is kept a secret and not displayed in public. It could take years before she introduces me to her family, she was divorced which is shamed in her culture and she also doesn't want to live with a guy because she doesn't want to wake up and fight with someone, she has a S6 she doesn't want to expose him to anybody else but you still manage to make it work. Do we have announce our love to the world?

I guess that my point is at the onset of this healing journey which is over now, I wanted to regain what I had lost it was important to me, that reason was also the reason why my gf and I broke up for several weeks because I was adamant to know what the status our r/s was. I think that she didn't want to tell me the real reason because I wouldn't understand or I would accept it. I thought up to that point that I was an open minded person but I had not thought that the reason why is because our cultures are different.

It's not fun to be around someone that wants an answer and is not taking no for an answer, I was surprised that we had broken up because I thought that I wouldn't falter in my next r/s after my break-up with my exuBPDw it's not a hard and fast rule I had two choices compromise my value or not compromise my value what was more important to me? I decided that I can change my mind which works for us we don't have to introduce our kids to each other, we're both independent, we're not fighting because we've spent too much time together, we have our space and I'm not worried about losing a home again after making a home with someone. I'm really not interested in going through something like that again for now it works for both of us.
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« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2019, 05:08:52 PM »

This question has so many different answers. There are many couples who live together for years, get married and are divorced shortly after. This first one is what I would want to know the most about. Why do they suddenly find themselves so unhappily married yet were fine when living together? There are also many couples who live together and then get  and stay happily married. There are also couples who do not get married at all, and are very happy to just live together. Then there are couples who get married without living together. Whether a couple decides to live together or not, it is important to really know each other's expectations before moving in together and have realistic expectations based on deciding whether to live together and if so when to do so.
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2019, 05:55:25 PM »

Excerpt
Why do they suddenly find themselves so unhappily married yet were fine when living together?
I think this has a lot to do with miscommunication and inconsistent expectations concerning marriage. There are still a lot of unspoken 'rules' in society what marriage means and how life should look like when married. I think some people just assume that their concept of marriage is in line with their partner's expectations and are blindsighted by the realization that this is not necissarily the case.
I also think that some couples see marriage as a cure for relationship problems rather then a gesture of deeper commitment. They believe that once they are married things are going to fall into place naturally. But of course they won't. There is no 'happily ever after' in reality.
Another reason for a marriage to fail might be if it happens out of selfish reasons (e.g. fear of abandonment and thereby a need to tie the other person to oneself). This is a recipie for disaster or at least some level of dysfunction in my opinion. 

Sorry, I realize that this is a bit off topic.
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2019, 01:54:52 PM »

My answer: never move in with someone you are not married to.  It indicates a commitment you have not made. It is playing house, not real life. Studies show people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who do not because they are not as committed to the institution of marriage.

I agree. We are engaged, but I will not move in together. We stay together a few days/night a week and it is a good way, at least for me, and her, to work on being in the same space and learning each others habits etc., and discuss solutions to merging both of our lives together when we are married. 
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2019, 10:06:51 PM »

What in getting here from the responses is that you don't really knits until you do it. 

Since most of us kind of sidetracked into marriage, I'll say that 100% transparency of finances is necessary, including a credit report. Someone told me that was harsh, but I wouldn't be offended if someone asked that of me.  It would take be 15 minutes or less to pull everything online.  The more you have to lose,  the more you have to lose.  Surprises can be costly. 

My ex was to her H as I was to her.  It cost her, and was the result of much friction.  That wasn't friction between us because I went in knowing I made a lot more than she did. So be realistic with your financial situations. Be realistic with all aspects that you can foresee, and be graceful of those which will come up which you don't foresee.
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« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2019, 11:44:56 AM »

never move in with someone you are not married to.  It indicates a commitment you have not made.

this has been my attitude too, personally.

ive heard a lot of disaster stories revolving around breaking up and having to still live together. i think id want to be sure (about the relationship), not just testing it or using it as a next step. if im sure, then engagement is that step, for me.

different strokes for different folks. i think if i were advising someone, id tell them to give it a year or two. its a little arbitrary, but it is safer than moving straight in. id suggest they think it through, and also not to do it out of pressure.

if you were advising someone that was definitely gonna make the jump, what advice would you give them?

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« Reply #11 on: January 30, 2019, 11:48:57 AM »

I am reading "What Makes Love Last" by John Gottman and Nate Silver. The authors who are experts on what makes relationships work, claim that living together does not often work out, because the commitment is not there, like it is in a marriage. I would recommend reading this book before moving in together. Certainly there are valid reasons for living together instead of getting married. For example, many older couples do not want to marry and merge their finances, yet they both have had long term happy marriages and their spouses are dead.
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