It is difficult to contextualize my experience

[Dotner]

Hi all,

I have recently returned to that emotional place of wondering if I am over dramatizing how my mother inconsistently showed her love for me while growing up. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about? There was no physical violence, and I knew she loved me, so what was I complaining about? So I had a parent who would give me the silent treatment, so what? I think to myself, "Maybe I am making things more dramatic than they were to have an excuse to blame someone for my unhappiness."

I have to keep checking in with my therapist to find out... .I am not imagining it right? My feelings of emotional trauma are real and valid, right? Then the other day in therapy, I had a memory surface:

I was in middle school when my mom's (uBPD) emotional state was explained to me by my father, whose therapist had a hunch she was BPD. My mom didn't think she had any emotional issues to address, she didn't think she was depressed, and she didn't want me or my sister to know that my dad's therapist did think so. It was a HUGE elephant in the room, and never talked about with my mother around.

Toward the end of high school, I wrote my mom a letter, meant to be loving and open. I told her I was glad that she was still around. She had been treated for breast cancer and was cancer free at that point. She was just so angry and unhappy all the time. I told her that I loved her, and wondered why we don't talk about some of the problems we were facing.
 
She responded by giving me the silent treatment until I addressed it with her, then she raged for a while, then she angrily wrote all her siblings and parents letters telling them about her depression because her "daughter thought she should tell people." 

After this memory surfaced, I now realize that yes, I was in fact traumatized by her inconsistency in showing me love. My therapist says that this can be even more traumatic for a child than consistent emotional abuse because in that case you can put up a barrier, and you know what to expect.

I guess I'm trying to ask if anyone else questions themselves and their trauma from growing up with an uBPD parent, then realizes that it was in fact a very real, serious experience.

I'm also still realizing that I'm drawn to romantic potential partners that show unusual levels of empathy, sensitivity, and listening/observation strengths, and these are people in my life who also seem to be inconsistent in their behavior/interest in me. Is it a coincidence? I've at this point (41 years old) accepted the fact that I may not be able to find someone long term who is consistent enough for my needs. I don't see myself as needy, but that is the one thing I really need.

Thoughts? Commiseraters?

I'm

[Nickerdoodle]

I think I understand.  It use to bug the heck out of me that people would point out one or two sort of nice things she did for me.  It was the inconsistency that set up distrust.  Imagine a dog that someone hits from time to time.  It won't take many times for that dog to become wary.  Inconsistency and self-doubt.  Bad combination for me.  Don't doubt yourself.  It was as bad as it was.

[Harri]

Hi Dotner.

Yes, I can relate.  I still question just how bad things were and I wonder if I am exaggerating things, yet I also KNOW things really were that bad and I am not exaggerating anything.

I am not sure what causes me to slip back to minimizing and denial but those are defense mechanisms and I think they only come out when I am trying to run from some new knowledge or understanding.  It does not mean anything bad is hanging out waiting for me to remember though... .just something sort of nagging at me. 

I find what helps is going back and re-reading some of my old posts.  The ones I wrote in the middle of the hardest times of working on healing.  Did you keep journals you can go back and read?

How about writing out your story here if you haven't already?

[Dotner]

Thank you both. I have been reading a lot of posts and boards this weekend, and most recently the Behaviors: Silent Treatment board. This is validating, and reminds me that yes, I have really experienced trauma.

My story is best framed by the situation I wrote about above. I realized after going away to college that I definitely needed some help coping in life, but didn't realize why I was anxious/depressed until my thirties. Now at 41, I realize when looking at the Survivor's Guide that I may be around the end of the mourning stage, and beginning the healing stage. I still need to circle back often and "remember," and clearly have to keep working on identifying faulty beliefs and distortions. Luckily, talking with my uBPD mother often reminds me of this--now that I've had a recent breakthrough crisis,  it is clearer and clearer to me through our conversations (her ranting) that she continues to distort. I'm looking forward to the healing part of this experience. I have never really fully recognized how I approach relationships--unfortunately like a pwBPD: idealizing, then needy, then disappointment at the person not being able to live up to my unreasonable expectations. I hope to GOD this doesn't point toward my having BPD as well, and I know that is a whole discussion in itself.

I'm so grateful for this community and information, and all of you who make it work. Really, thank you.

[Harri]

Hi again Dotner!

 

have never really fully recognized how I approach relationships--unfortunately like a pwBPD: idealizing, then needy, then disappointment at the person not being able to live up to my unreasonable expectations. I hope to GOD this doesn't point toward my having BPD as well, and I know that is a whole discussion in itself.

You are not alone in seeing these behaviors in yourself.  A lot of us do and even better, these sorts of behaviors happen even without the label of BPD.  For example, they are a common group of behaviors seen in co-dependecy too and even without any label.  Lots of us here do these things.  A lot of it is because we learned how to act and respond to people growing up with a parent who exhibited less than healthy behaviors. 

The good news is that you can work to learn how to change and or how to manage these tendencies.  Awareness is the first step.  Then we have to work to change or learn strategies to manage.  We do that here on this site too.   Sometimes it is learning Mindfulness to manage anxiety about abandonment fears for example or learning how to manage anger. 

From your first post you said:

I'm also still realizing that I'm drawn to romantic potential partners that show unusual levels of empathy, sensitivity, and listening/observation strengths, and these are people in my life who also seem to be inconsistent in their behavior/interest in me. Is it a coincidence?

I can relate to this and as you read more and on some of our romantic boards specifically our Learning board, you will see that you are not alone!  It is said we are drawn to what we know and often try to re-live old relationships in our present as a way to try to heal.  The thing is we can't fix the problems we had with one person by working with a different person (I am not finding the words i want to use here, sorry it is late for me and I think I am mangling this thought a bit but I hope my message is clear).

Did that make sense?

[Libra]

Hi Dotner, 

Let me add my voice to the chorus: you are not alone!

I still doubt myself and my experiences almost daily. (I had originally written trauma in the previous sentence, but I deleted it, feeling I was over dramatizing again.  ) Mine was a childhood of emotional neglect, blame-games and guilt trips. Nothing concrete you can fingerpoint, no clear hardships. But I have come to accept that the way I was raised was far from ideal and clearly still influences the person I am today.
 
It took me 42 years to realise I had an unhealthy relationship with my mother, to create some distance between us and to start working on being the best possible me. Like many on these boards I often fear that I have gotten too many fleas and may actually be just as bad as her (or maybe even the cause of all the problems in the first place).

The best example is my posts on these boards: they are often a spur-of-the-moment thing. I do spend quite some time trying to find the right words to express what I feel, but I will avoid contemplating it on too long before posting. If I start thinking about it too much, I will intellectualise it and start to feel I am over dramatizing again: I shouldn't be so over-sensitive, stop  complaining and get on with it.

Clicking 'Post' now…

 
Libra.

[Dotner]

Harri, I did find that "Learning" board after you mentioned it. Thanks for pointing me in that direction--it sounds like what I'm searching for.

Nickerdoodle and Libra, good to know I'm not alone. Thanks for the company and validation. 

[Harri]

   I am glad you found the Learning board.  I should have given a link to it, sorry.

We do self work here but also on Learning so go for it. 

I'm glad you joined us!   

[once removed]

hi from a Learning board regular, Dotner 

it is clearer and clearer to me through our conversations (her ranting) that she continues to distort.

whats your relationship like with her today? what sorts of things does she distort, and about how often do you speak?