I want to hold my BPD mother accountable, but she blames me

[JMG123]

I stopped talking with my borderline mother a couple years ago. I’m struggling to move on and heal from all the damage she has down. I feel like my husband emotionally abuses me in the same ways she does. Not validating what I say, never takes responsibility and answers with defensive non productive statement instead of resolving problems. I’m miserable and considering divorce. It’s so hard because I have no family and very few friends that aren’t that close.y husband is all I have. I’m an only child and I don’t know my dad. I feel so lonely. Even though I don’t talk to my mom, she still hurts me everytime I think about her or she’ll send me a Christmas card just with her name at the bottom and no message. She will never take responsibility or discuss her behavior. She is a barely functioning hypochondriac that only loved me for what I could achieve, not who I am. No matter what I try, I can’t move on from these feelings of anger and resentment and intense sadness and guilt.  She guilt trips me and simply says I don’t want her around. If I say something she doesn’t like I get the silent treatment. The truth is I wanted to hold her accountable for her behavior but she always has someone or something else to blame.

[DharmaGate]

Welcome,
I can really relate to having partners who do the same behaviors as mom:( and feeling so alone in it all, it can be so isolating living with stuff:(.  I find most the validation I need at sites like this, people who have been through the same that get it! Take care

[HappyChappy]

Hi JMG123,

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. The feelings of isolation at a time when you need and deserve support. It can’t help that your husband doesn’t validate or help resolve problems. I’ve been there, so the good news is there is a way out, I’m proof of that.

Sounds like you need a therapist, and please take full advantage of this forum. I wouldn’t have gotten better had I not talked it out on this forum and with therapists. People on here care because we benefited ourselves, because we’re  part of the same tribe.

I also found going no contact with my BPD was the only way I could get better, because I have CPTSD and my BPD just reinforced the triggers which made it worse.  So you’ve made a positive first step.  JMG, I got better and I could see how at one point, there no reason why you can't. Folk on here will be there every step of your recovery, have you considered therapy ? What issues are troubling you the most currently ?  

[Harri]

Hi JMG and welcome.  I see you have met DharmaG and HappyC so far and just want to say hello.  You have definitely found a place where people get it.  All of us on this board have a family member and/or loved one with BPD or BPD traits so you are in good company.

I hope you settle in and read and jump into other threads.  Like HappyC, I too received so much help from the people here and it has made a huge difference in my healing and ability to cope.

About accountability... .I can relate to wanting a pwBPD (person with BPD) to be held accountable.  My mother is now dead but when i first started working on my healing, I too felt the same.  The thing is, I am not sure people who are not in treatment and who are not diagnosed can ever admit the damage they have caused.  However, you can still hold them accountable by changing the way you interact with them.  Enforcing boundaries will help with not giving access to your vulnerabilities and changing the way you respond when she does or says something that hurts or is abusive.  We do have the power to make those changes for us, even if they never accept responsibility.

So I am not sure how you were using the word accountability here but I wanted to mention that.

I hope you post more and settle in.  This is a really special place.