PwBPD refuses to acknowledge their BPD and constantly tells me Its all my fault

[Squish18]

My fiancé refuses to accept or even acknowledge his BPD and nearly everyday I am being told that I am the one who needs to change or else I will be the cause of our failed relationship.

He is always complaining about me to friends or his parents ( usually people who haven’t known me before meeting him). He will tell them either very elaborate exaggerated versions of the truth and play down his part in the situation. I know when he has tried doing this with my own mum in the past she has just ignored it and spoke to me about it privately as she knows full well I wouldn’t do the things he says. This can happen even when as a couple we are in a great place and it takes me by surprise as I’m sat thinking we’re good but behind my back he’s saying untrue and hurtful things.

I’m starting to think that my existence around him is the problem and the cause of how I’m feeling because I hear it so much. I’m really not sure how much more I can take mentally or physically from him before I just have to walk away for both our sakes

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It can be very difficult when we feel that clearly BPD is the big problem, and our pwBPD don't see it.  In fact, they think *we* are the problem.  In the vast majority of cases, it's unproductive to try to convince our pwBPD that they are the problem.  There's a fancy word, "anosognosia," that describes the situation where a person with a mental illness can't realize that they have it.  It just doesn't compute.  They are their own normal, so everyone else must be out of kilter.  It can be painful for those around them, but fighting it head on is usually futile.

You said he'll tell people exaggerated versions of the truth and play down his part in the situation.  Can you give us an example of a situation?

RC