I think my mother has BPD but am figuring it all out

[Florencemia]

Hello to someone out there.
I am here to try and find some people who may understand what I am going through and may offer some advice.
I’m a woman in her late 20’s with two other siblings and a father who is married to my mother.
My whole life I’ve felt like something was perhaps wrong with my mother. She would have huge moments of rage - often over hardly anything. Once when I was five I said she was wearing a nice costume (as I didn’t have the right vocabulary) and she went absolutely crazy at me and so proceeded a horrific family day. There are a million examples like this that have occurred. She would also start to drive dangerously when angry - screaming at the top of her lungs. Sometimes she wouldn’t speak to me for days if I had said something that hurt her.
It was always me that had to mend the situation. She never trusts anyone and doesn’t like it when my dad and I are close. She used to threaten to leave constantly when we were children. Sometimes she’d slap me Across the face and always, we were made to feel like it was ultimately our fault.
I feel like for a long time we knew it was wrong but we have been scared to confront her as she may harm herself - especially if my dad left her.
She makes up stories about what people probably think of her (always negative) and insists she’s always ‘just trying to do right by other people.’ She is getting more and more isolated and to be honest, I don’t like having her in my life that much because I never know when she’ll get upset or feel like I’m betraying her.
Does this sound like BPD to you guys? I have been doing my research and am definitely seeing a lot of correlations. Furthermore, my mum has a troubled upbringing with a father who abused her mother when she was young. Apparently he was a perfectionist (something she attempts to be).  He then died when my mum was 5. She grew up with a mum who often left her at home to fend for herself but they had a better relationship as she got older.
Any knowledge or insight would be hugely appreciated.
I’m starting to feel at a loss with our relationship as I can’t be 100% honest with her. She would just be too hurt.
Thank you.

[Skip]

My whole life I’ve felt like something was perhaps wrong with my mother. She would have huge moments of rage - often over hardly anything.

Yikes!

Occasional disproportionate anger or inappropriate anger is common with people with borderline personality traits. You never know when it will come and then "bam" it's there.

Two things I think of is:

1. Not to take it personally and over-react ourselves as it often has more to do with their mood than our action.

2. Buy time. When she flares, it often dissipates after a bit of time. They call this extinction bursts.

Anyone else have suggestions for dealing with disproportionate anger?

[Harri]

Hi!  I want to join in with Skip in saying welcome!  I am glad you found us. 

I am not sure if your mom has BPD but it sounds like she at least has some behaviors associated with the disorder.  Most of us on these boards do not have a loved one with a diagnosis but BPD seems like a good enough fit. 

Skip used the term disproportionate anger and that too is a good fit for what you describe.  His advice to not take it personally is good.  Recognizing that her behaviors are about her and her feelings and that she is emotionally dysregualted when this happens is important.  Chances are when she is in that type of state she is not really seeing you but her own emotions instead.  Learning about Projection helped me to depersonalize a lot of my moms behaviors and accusation. 

As adults we have more options available to us than when we were kids.  It took me a long time to realize that though and it was a while longer before i was able to change and learned to respond rather than react.  How do you react now when she gets like this? 

[Dotner]

I'm, also, only too familiar with these outbursts of rage that seem to come from nowhere and are very disorienting. It helps me to, as Harri mentioned, learn about projection. I also  journal to figure out some examples of situations I've had with my uBPD mom and how projection was involved. It's a new way to think of it, and very liberating!

I also have learned to think of my mother as a little child inside. Sometimes kids throw tantrums from nowhere and it's easier to see where their frustration is coming from (not you, but themselves). It's also easier from that viewpoint to disengage from the rage in order to not take it personally. In fact, sometimes it seems that I'm constantly translating my mother's BPD language into what I think she is expressing. It is like reading a different language. It is, though, exhausting. So give yourself some healthy soothing.