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Author Topic: It's what I wanted, now it's killing me  (Read 576 times)
Vexed
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« on: January 21, 2019, 11:37:10 PM »

6 year r/s, she has 2 kids from a previous marriage who I consider my own.  The first real breakup was 2 years in and I thought I was dying.  I did everything I could to get her back, if it was only to get rid of the PAIN.  

The last 2 years i have been going through the motions and only (in my head) staying with her because of my love and happiness with the children. I have known the only way to escape would be for her to break up with me which she recently did a few months ago.  She moved out and while sad and slightly depressed, I was managing really well.  I had been praying for this day for a long time and was happy it was over.  We remained friends and she went through some major life events (bad car accident, her dog dying) which kept us in contact here and there.  These contacts were great because her true colors typically came out enough to remind me how lucky I am to be free from her and also gave me the much needed contact with the kids.  

But now I haven't seen her in 2 weeks since she painted me black in a conversation which had started out by her trying to tell me she's sorry for how she had treated me the night before.  Instead the sorry turned into all the reasons it's my fault she treated me that way.  I sat silently as she tore me apart until she then went into how I favor her daughter over her son and how it's so obvious how I don't like him.  At that point I had to defend myself which I did without blowing up, but was obviously angry.  

So it's been 2 weeks of 0 contact now, and I feel like I'm dying again.  I guess it took 2 weeks for anger I felt after that conversation to wear off because I felt fine until yesterday.  I honestly hated this woman for the better part of the last 2 years and now my mind is in the gutter and wants her back.

But I've been here many times, and even when we get back together after feeling this bad I can regret it in under 48 hours.  

I read and read and it makes sense why.  But I honestly thought I had the upper hand this time. I was completely prepared.  I thought I could escape without feeling this extreme pain.  How wrong I was.

Ironically I'm the guy who brags about his mental strength... .Humbling.  

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Luan
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2019, 07:51:04 AM »

Unfortunately part of her defence is having as much control over your relationship as possible. Those waters run deep for all of us who have experienced enmeshment. For me, it was only a four month relationship, so I feel unqualified to give advice to those who have done the hard yards over years, but... .

I got a glimpse of what was happening to me, I was enthralled, and wanted to do whatever it took to fix the undiagnosed person I was with. The good times are intoxicating, and I feel like I have done everything I can to get her back too. Lucky for me the drug is wearing off, and I can see the damage I would have suffered if it continued. She has done me a favour, but I would still have her back, IF she was honest to me about everything (never going to happen)

I sympathise with you Vexed, and especially the bond you have developed with the two children. This will no doubt be the hardest of experiences for you, but it sounds like you have done all you can.
I read and read and it makes sense why.  But I honestly thought I had the upper hand this time. I was completely prepared.

Does this mean that you feel that the upper hand is necessary for you to leave? How would you feel if you were to accept loving and 'losing' as a possible outcome? I ask because, in the end, I had to choose walking away without resolution, and accepting reality, or suffer more and more from her indifference.
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Vexed
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2019, 10:23:40 AM »

Does this mean that you feel that the upper hand is necessary for you to leave? How would you feel if you were to accept loving and 'losing' as a possible outcome? I ask because, in the end, I had to choose walking away without resolution, and accepting reality, or suffer more and more from her indifference.

You're a stronger person than me.  I wasn't able to walk away even though I knew I needed to get out.  So yes I spent the last 2 years detaching to the point I felt I had the upper hand.  And I don't mean upper hand on her but upper hand on my emotions. 
I realized a long time ago there is no gaining the upper hand on my ex she will always take it back which is why I knew the only way out was for her to leave me. 
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2019, 10:49:10 AM »

i also didnt have the strength to leave, and on some level, thought things would be best if she ended it. i spent a long time during the relationship struggling with thoughts of wanting to leave. when it happened i felt blindsided and devastated.

do you feel rejected?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2019, 11:04:17 AM »

Excerpt
it's been 2 weeks of 0 contact now, and I feel like I'm dying again.

Hey Vexed, Disengaging from a pwBPD is a painful process, akin to withdrawal from an addiction, so your feelings are normal.  I suggest you treat yourself with kindness and compassion.  Of course you're going to have some bad days.  It's to be expected, so give yourself a break.  There's light at the end of the tunnel, yet it takes time to see it.

LuckyJim

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Al Kaseltzer
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2019, 11:45:41 AM »

i also didnt have the strength to leave, and on some level, thought things would be best if she ended it. i spent a long time during the relationship struggling with thoughts of wanting to leave. when it happened i felt blindsided and devastated.

I felt the same. Even when I was unsure of things or the direction it was going, or if there was a particular argument, whatever was happening, I fully acknowledge then as well as now that I wouldn't or couldn't have been the one to end it. I just never would have been able to.

If there is some correlation to this, what does that say about us.?  Is there anything it says about the relationship, or BPD traits or anything else?
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2019, 02:33:29 PM »

Hi Vexed,

Quote from: Vexed
So it's been 2 weeks of 0 contact now, and I feel like I'm dying again.  I guess it took 2 weeks for anger I felt after that conversation to wear off because I felt fine until yesterday.  I honestly hated this woman for the better part of the last 2 years and now my mind is in the gutter and wants her back.

I get the impression that if you had a chance that you would take her back to avoid the pain? Just a suggestion if you want to move forward and save yourself a lot of grief and speed up your recovery tell yourself that there is no hope, there is zero chance that you too are going to get back together when your mind is in the gutter. Hanging on to hope or wishing that eventually a pwBPD might give us another chance is going to cause unnecessary pain.

I can relate with you and other posters in this thread. I'm just speaking for myself when I say this I think that I didn't leave because of my low self esteem and largely because I was codependant, I need someone else to give me direction in life and I was happy that my exuBPDw gave me a role life, if you asked me back then what I liked or what my goals are in life I wouldn't have an answer for you.

Again, everyone that is in a r/s with a pwBPD comes from a different background, their situation is unique to them and I don't want to generalise and say that my experience is baseline for everyone that's not true. Hang in there.

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Vexed
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« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2019, 01:29:33 PM »

Hi Vexed,

I get the impression that if you had a chance that you would take her back to avoid the pain?

I can relate with you and other posters in this thread. I'm just speaking for myself when I say this I think that I didn't leave because of my low self esteem and largely because I was codependant, I need someone else to give me direction in life and I was happy that my exuBPDw gave me a role life, if you asked me back then what I liked or what my goals are in life I wouldn't have an answer for



It depends on the day Mutt, my emotions are so labile. But when I read your reply a few days ago I would have taken her back in a second.  Right now? Nope. Tonight? That could all change.  

And just like you, I didn't leave for the same reasons.  I'm a people pleaser with low self esteem (likely codependent).  However time will tell but I feel like I grew so much from this rs; studying the disease, identifying my many faults, improving myself for her and for myself, and learning to set boundaries among other things. I grew out of the rs in a lot of ways, and whether true or false (not sure if I was just rationalizing being with someone so evil) the last two years if my aweful rs were justified by the relationship I had with her 2 amazing children that i helped raise from ages 2 & 4 (now 9. & 11). The only thing that makes cry since ending the rs is thinking about them.
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2019, 06:20:57 PM »

the last two years if my aweful rs were justified by the relationship I had with her 2 amazing children that i helped raise from ages 2 & 4 (now 9. & 11). The only thing that makes cry since ending the rs is thinking about them.

It’s heartbreaking when there are kids involved, they’re really young when you met them they depend on you for everything of course you’ll develop a r/s.

You said so yourself that the last two years were awful, you hung in there because of the kids we don’t have control over the disorder, a pwBPD will keep pushing and sabotage the r//s to avoid being rejected perceived or real. Don’t be hard on yourself Vexed.
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crushedagain
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« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2019, 09:25:06 PM »

Hi Vexed,

I get the impression that if you had a chance that you would take her back to avoid the pain?


This is a scary thing to consider when I ask myself that. It has been over a year for me, but I still don't trust myself around her. I know that at 2 weeks it would have been a no-brainer, I would have jumped right back in.

Hang in there, Vexed, it gets much, much better.
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