Fear, Anxiety about fight for custody

[Kseds]

Just started divorce process, three children ages 2,10,11. Husband is heroin addict with undiagnosed BPD/NPD. He is already starting false accusations. Fear and anxiety of what’s to come, trying to stay in the moment. Any recommendations on how to stay calm in this storm or how to not respond to my overwhelming anger... .

[once removed]

hi Kseds and

prepare for a high conflict divorce, though hope for the best. with a strong support system, and good representation, you can get through this.

what is he saying in terms of false accusations, and to whom?

[Kseds]

He is saying I fabricated his drug use and depression, he has had two rehab stints in the last two years for painkillers then heroin. I am requesting that he have supervised visitation and random drug testing so he is claiming that I have been leaving my kids alone with him and going on dates with him regularly since I filed in September which has never happened. This is his response letter to my divorce/custody petition that his lawyer submitted. My lawyer is going to request his medical records to be subpoenaed but I keep thinking my husband must be sure they can’t do that if he is so boldly lying on that document.

[worriedStepmom]

Just because he is sure about something doesn't mean he's right.

My friend is in the midst of a custody battle with a man diagnosed with NPD.   He lies ALL THE TIME ... he gave testimony that directly contradicted an affidavit he has signed three days earlier.  He had his lawyer subpoena the kids' counselor, then sent the counselor a letter telling her she wasn't allowed to testify because he wouldn't give permission (he doesn't have rights to make mental health decisions for the kids).  The judge is seeing through that.

Make sure your lawyer is comfortable with a high conflict divorce and is suitably aggressive.  My friend's first lawyer was more cautious and seemed more interested in ending the case than getting what was best for the children.

Do you have a therapist, or are you going to a good support group like DivorceCare?  You need an outlet for your stress, and you need someone you can talk to who will help you to calm down when it all seems so overwhelming.  If the older children aren't already in therapy, it might be a good idea to have them start seeing someone, too.   A counselor can be a valuable resource in some custody battles if they feel that one parent is not fit to be around the kids.

[ForeverDad]

Asking for drug tests (unscheduled) is certainly a good thing.  With his past history of drug abuse and treatment, that shouldn't be hard to get.  There is a possibility he may try to demand both of you get tested.  A court might require you to at least start with both being tested but not very likely given just he has had a drug abuse history.

Denial is a typical trait of BPD so you may have to provide documentation of his rehab stints or court cases.