Am I the only one?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Boy, am I feeling down. I’m still trying to figure out what got me from feeling balanced and at peace with myself and my surroundings to completely unhinged and low as low can be. I’m at work, acting normal, but my inner self feels like a mirror that just fell of the wall and shattered into a thousand shards. What made it fall? I have no idea – yet.

Is it wrong of me to voice these emotional meltdowns, the internal turmoil, the daily mental and emotional pull and tug here on the boards? It can’t be that I’m the only one going through this, can it? I don’t want to be a cry-baby, lamenting and complaining about these things. I feel alone in doing so, even here.
For some bizarre reason keep doing it though. I need it. This board is my link to that deepest inner me. I want to reconnect with that part of me, to acknowledge and embrace it. But it is so hard.

I could just do journaling, I guess, though that’s not the same. Writing things here is so much more real. It’s out in the open, unhidden.

I know this community is here to help each other grow and to support one another. I would not wish it upon any of you, but sometimes I could find comfort in hearing the real, gritty, emotional hell a simple day can be.

Please tell me I’m not alone with this.

Long live good music and headphones (Radiohead – A Moon Shaped Pool for me today).

Libra.

[Libra]

Boy, am I feeling down. I’m still trying to figure out what got me from feeling balanced and at peace with myself and my surroundings to completely unhinged and low as low can be. I’m at work, acting normal, but my inner self feels like a mirror that just fell of the wall and shattered into a thousand shards. What made it fall? I have no idea – yet.

Is it wrong of me to voice these emotional meltdowns, the internal turmoil, the daily mental and emotional pull and tug here on the boards? It can’t be that I’m the only one going through this, can it? I don’t want to be a cry-baby, lamenting and complaining about these things. I feel alone in doing so, even here.
For some bizarre reason keep doing it though. I need it. This board is my link to that deepest inner me. I want to reconnect with that part of me, to acknowledge and embrace it. But it is so hard.

I could just do journaling, I guess, though that’s not the same. Writing things here is so much more real. It’s out in the open, unhidden.

I know this community is here to help each other grow and to support one another. I would not wish it upon any of you, but sometimes I could find comfort in hearing the real, gritty, emotional hell a simple day can be.

Please tell me I’m not alone with this.

Long live good music and headphones (Radiohead – A Moon Shaped Pool for me today).

Libra.

[DharmaGate]

Libra, you are not alone in feeling down about this stuff.  i dont know if it is the case for you but coming to these boards keeps my ability to deny and minimize down, so i am really looking and feeling this stuff.  i see you reaching deep and coming here often so in my inexpeirence it seems like this would be normal, although not fun!  i figure i am in the mourning stage of this stuff, morris family model.  real and nitty gritty? i cant do it any other way! bless you libra   

[Panda39]

Libra,

This is always a safe place to talk about your feelings.   It is okay to feel what you are feeling.  It's tough having those kinds of feelings at work in that professional environment.  Maybe take a walk... .take a break and then re-focus on work.

What's been going on in your life lately?  Feeling overwhelmed by anything?  Anything going on that is hard to talk about... .are you stuffing things?  Any resentments?  Just throwing things out there that can be hard for me, maybe they are hard for you too.

Hang in there 
Panda39

[Libra]

DharmaGate, that was right on cue. Thank you. 

Panda, well, I thought I was doing fine. There were a few small issues in the past weeks. Each in itself was minor, but I guess they still pile up and I still need to sit through the distressing feelings that have accumulated. Thank you for pointing that out. And thank you for the hugs - right back at you! 

 
Libra.

[Harri]

Is it wrong of me to voice these emotional meltdowns, the internal turmoil, the daily mental and emotional pull and tug here on the boards?

It is not wrong.  It healthy and wise and it takes strength to let yourself open up and be vulnerable and real about where you are.  

I don’t want to be a cry-baby, lamenting and complaining about these things. I feel alone in doing so, even here.

That is, I think, your inner critic giving you doubt and telling you lies and calling you nasty things.  What can you do to counter that at times like these?

Posting here where we get it is always good though I know it is hard too.  Sometimes it seems impossible but we do it anyway.   I need to write where I can take a risk of sorts and be vulnerable and that is why I write here.  I don't even need people to read or respond but am grateful when they do.  I need that risk and to work through the fear.  It gets easier and easier as you do it Libra.  

You are not alone.

The thing is, in a way you are doing fine.  What you are feeling is a part of recovery.  I know it sounds like I am pulling out the silver lining but I am not.  Recovery and healing is hard and emotional and it throws us and makes us question and doubt us and others.  It sucks and it pisses me off when it happens.  It is hard.  

It is normal and expected though.  Fasten your seal belt, keep yourself hydrated and get a safe word... .and come to us here.  We've got you.  

[Cat Familiar]

Boy, am I feeling down. I’m still trying to figure out what got me from feeling balanced and at peace with myself and my surroundings to completely unhinged and low as low can be.

It can’t be that I’m the only one going through this, can it?

Please tell me I’m not alone with this.

 
You’re not alone with this. I, too, have these low days. Today I’m having one, except today it’s not emotional, it’s physical. Very frustrating since a couple of days ago, I was feeling at the top of my game.

I find it best, whether it’s a down day emotionally or physically to just chalk it up as a day that I’m not at my optimum and know that it will pass.

I find for the low emotional days, it helps to post here. And sharing those feelings helps other people who read here, and perhaps are reluctant to post their own stories. Being open and vulnerable is empowering, not only for us, but it helps others.

[BunnyLoris]

You aren't alone. Either in feeling the way you do, or feeling a little better when you know other people go through it too. There's something very comforting in knowing other people survive what we're going through.

[Libra]

Thank you all for sharing you thoughts and feelings.
It feels like you've wrapped me up in a warm blanket of care and understanding, and that feels very special. 

That is, I think, your inner critic giving you doubt and telling you lies and calling you nasty things.  What can you do to counter that at times like these?

Harri, I remember the first time I read about the inner critic here on the boards. I thought I was way past that already. Ha! I think you are right though. It's the same voice that is at this very moment saying that I am a copycat (I used the Ha! I see you using so often) and an attention-seeker (looking for confirmation and comfort on this board).
Okay, so it's back to the drawing board I guess. What can I do to counter this? Eat more candy, maul my finger nails even more, listen to more music to cancel out that voice? I know those aren't the right solutions, they're the ones I usually try though.

Thanks for pointing out I'm on the right track. I know this is true. Retracting into my own safe little world looks very enticing sometimes. It's so much easier. Got to keep chugging along!

I do think this board should have a caution sign though, something along the lines of:
"Caution: participating here will make you think Alice is Wonderland was peanuts!".
I think I'll leave the caution sign to HappyC. Make people jump on board with a laugh.

Lots of 

Libra.

[Enabler]

I had a "chat" with my stbexW on Wednesday night where she informs me that she can't push forward with the divorce she so desperately needed because I was so abusive to the kids and her, because her life would suck so much, and she can't go back to being my W anymore as she can't risk being vulnerable to me anymore... .but she can't stay living with me as that would kill her as well... .

... .so she goes out to a keep fit class last night at 7:30, it's an hour long, and returns at 23:30. I went to bed at 22:00 as I have to get up at 4:40am to go to work, but couldn't sleep till way after she gets back home... .I ruminate about how she's likely with her OM and ruminating about the other things that were said on Wednesday evening. Although what is happening makes complete sense, it has variables which are worth considering. It's a minefield which requires preparation and understanding to ensure I don't step on any hidden mines at a sensitive time (I don't want the divorce).

I'm shattered, and doing a dry + veggie jan (joyless Jan). So now I'm at work speaking to a work associate about his daughter who lives with his exBPD W who's having a complete meltdown and threatening suicide.

BUT, I'm alive and I have choices... .and I feel privileged to be able to help my friend understand his situation better and help him help his daughter... .and Feb 1st meat-fest is only a few days away! Whoop

Enabler xx

[Harri]

Libra, I am the Robin Hood of short words... .I stole Ha! and heh from someone else and I share my loot with others!  Tell that to your inner critic!

The inner critic is tricky and can lie dormant and sort of morph into a more subtle mind trickster.  I still don't catch mine until after the fact usually.  Sometimes when I do catch it in the middle of tearing myself apart, I tell the inner critic to shut up.  It works in the moment, but like all verbal abuse, it is not good and the voice just comes back. 

More effective ways of dealing with it though?  The best I know is to tell yourself what it is and call it out to yourself.  "Ah, that is my inner critic beating me up.  Let's take a closer look here".  Then I look at what I am feeling.

What can also help is to look at our thoughts.  Sometimes there is some twisted thinking involved. 
Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD
Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking - Burns MD

More on the inner critic:
The inner Critic and mindfulness - Russ Harris - from the Happiness Trap

Non-judgmental reflection is key to mindfulness.

The 'inner critic' is a popular term for that voice in our head that just loves to criticize us. (I once asked a client, ‘Have you ever heard of “the inner critic”?’ ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I’ve got an inner committee!’).  You’re undoubtedly familiar with this voice. Does it judge you as fat/ stupid/ incompetent/ lazy/ old/ boring/ unlikable, or something similar? Does it compare you harshly to others? Does it start telling you the ‘I’m not good enough’ story, or the ‘I can’t do it’ story or the ‘I don’t try hard enough’ story?  If we’re repeatedly screwing up or making mistakes or indulging 'bad habits' or living inconsistently with our values, then harsh self-criticism is unlikely to help us improve or change. Usually, it just makes us feel bad about ourselves.

For effective change, what we need is compassionate, non-judgmental reflection on what it is that we're doing, what the consequences are, and how we might do it better.

There are three basic steps to using the inner critic:

1. Notice it

2. Name it

3. Neutralise it

Let’s look at these one by one.

1. Notice it: The critic churns out its judgments, and if we are operating on automatic-pilot, we swallow them, hook, line and sinker. However in mindfulness mode, we are able to step back and notice our thoughts; to see that they are words or sounds in our heads. This immediately gives us a little bit of separation from those thoughts.

2. Name it: We can increase diffusion from the critic by naming it. We might say to ourselves: ‘Aha! The inner critic is at it again’, or ‘Aha! There’s the Not Good Enough story’. Or we might silently label these thought processes with a single word, such as ‘Judging’, ‘Criticising’, or ‘Comparing’. We can even give it a nickname: ‘There goes Black Bob again’, or ‘Aha! Here’s Captain Critical’.

3. Neutralize it: We can increase the degree of diffusion still further by taking those critical thoughts and putting them into a new context where they are ‘neutral’—nothing more or less than words and sounds, rather than messages loaded with personal relevance.


Like all healing work, changing thought patterns and beliefs takes time.  You will feel uncomfortable and will probably continue to eat candy and maul your fingernails for a while until you get it.  Keep chipping away at it. 

The fact that your inner critic is still there is not a set back and you do not need to go back to the drawing board.     Like I said, that voice can be tricky and sort of morphs... .but more realistically I think there are layers to it.  We can catch the layers closer to the surface but then there are ones that run deeper and the voice is sneakier and less of a voice and more like a belief.  Not sure if I am making sense here.

[Notwendy]

You're not alone- I think you're human.

As a parent I think some of this is due to us not having a safe parent help us process feelings when we were younger. Just like this board is safe.

As my kids were growing up, they would occasionally be upset about something and tell me about it. The school bully, not knowing who to sit with at the lunch table, the first crush on someone. During these times, I wouldn't "fix" their feelings for them, but I was a safe person to share them with. As they got older they were used to processing their feelings and I think they internalized the safe feeling. They still share them with me sometimes but I think they are also capable of dealing with them on their own and choosing to share them if they want to.

As a teen, my mother was not a safe person to talk about my feelings with and I was expected to take care of hers. I think without this growing up we can feel overwhelmed with feelings, but we also need safe ways to share them. For us, it is this board, and counseling and perhaps a few trusted friends.

[Cat Familiar]

I transformed my inner critic into a helper by having a serious sit down discussion with it. I asked it what was it’s intention and it replied that it wanted to make me a better person.

So I told it that it was going about it in an ineffective way and all that criticism made me less able to strive toward it’s objective.

I asked it to partner with me and together we’d make me “better”.

Since then, it gives me good feedback, is very helpful, and I thank it for it's contributions to my life. It feels appreciated; we are friends; we are a good team; I like the help. And all the negativity is gone.

[Harri]

That is interesting Cat.  I will have to try that next time.

[Dotner]

 

NOT alone, Libra! I've been reading posts a lot lately and it is because it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one either.  

"May the force be with you." Whatever "the force" may be for you (positive thoughts, inner strength, finding comfort from this community, finding comfort from within, etc.)

[Harri]

   What a great sign-off Dotner!   It is good to have you join us all too. 


You, we, me, them, we all feel this stuff Libra.  I think in that sense it is 'normal'.  As hard as it is and as much as we struggle, it is a part of the process.  I can promise you though that it gets better.  Even more important though... .you are worth the fight.  We all are and we can help each other. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Libra,

Some hugs for you.     So good to hear from you.

 I remember those early weeks and months of discovery in my own life. Awful at times, yet I couldn't get enough of the new light being shone into my soul, like having been parched for a drink for a long, long time, and it hurts to take those first few tiny swallows as your throat becomes hydrated once again. It is worth it, this journey of discovery and freedom, and I want to encourage you to keep on. I have days like that still now, but they are much farther apart rather than so many days and moments in a row.

You are loved. 
Wools