Share a little why distance is something that you move toward?
gotbushels, my understanding is that by having an emotionally distant mother, I subconsciously am drawn to that same behavior because it is familiar. It doesn’t feel good and it’s not what I truly want, but it is familiar, therefore comfortable in that I know how to “handle” the behavior with my “fixer” personality. I don’t expect more love because this lack is all that I know. Therefore I (believe) I am satisfied with breadcrumbs of affection because it is more than I have ever received.
My mother is currently in a long term, long distance relationship where her “partner” is literally and openly with another woman for half the year while he’s “wintering”. This caused her to revert back to drinking so much that she fell in her driveway and ended up in intensive care due to possible brain damage. Yet she has not ended the relationship. He never came to see her in the hospital or rehab for the 3 months while she recovered. Yet she swears they are “best friends”. This is my role model.
My T has been asking me to ponder questions like:
What did your mother praise you for growing up and now?
Your father admits to knowing of her struggles early on but left you in her care, often for several months at a time while working. How do you feel about that?
Lots of things to think about lately and I’m just barely scratching the surface of what it all means regarding how I see myself and my relationships.