Discarded for new multiple relationships

[Foolish man]

I have been jumping around the noticeboard subjects a bit over the last month , but now I am here.
Last night my ex phoned me to say she had nearly crashed her car. She was now parked in a car park and whilst taking she mentioned she could t get internet on her phone and she was waiting for a message. I believe that she has been seeing a married man ( who may not be as available as she wants him to be)  but also seeing her ex previous to me . Who she cheated on with someone else and then left him and got together with me fairly quickly ( yes I know I should have seen this coming , hence my name ! )
At the end of the conversation she threw in that she might be getting in a relationship but wasn’t sure if she wanted to carry on being single . No idea what the truths are in there , or wether she is just baiting me .
She messaged sorry later in the evening ( she works nights ) and I ignored it , she then messaged “?” To get me to respond which unfortunately I did . After a few mesaages I sent her a final epic text
“I know you were depressed on Tuesday and I thought leaving you alone would be better , as if you wanted to talk to me you would have done. I don’t want this to be an argument but if you can’t see how this is difficult for me I don’t think there is any point in carrying on. And you didn’t answer my question.
I am not an option, I am a choice. I won’t be one of the “chasing pack”. If you remember I told you at the beginning that I don’t share.
I know that you think it is ok to have all these guys chasing you, but I don’t like it. I will always want to be more than just friends, I have tried to bury my feelings but it is just messing me up too much. And you know me I can’t be anything but stupidly honest.
I wish that you could see the person I see when you look in the mirror. You don’t need these people to validate you, I think you are pretty amazing as you are. I know you can bury your feelings and shut off and I know that this is your way stopping the over powering emotions that you actually feel. This is your way of protecting yourself, and I sometime wish I could do that too. But I can’t. So I get hurt again and again. I feel you break off relationships early so that you aren’t the one who is abandoned and I get that,after everything that has happened in your past, you do need to protect yourself , and the excitement of something new, or driving to fast or spending too much money is great diversions from how you actually feel inside. I understand all that it is part of you and part of the reason why I care about you so much, and why I promised myself I would never abandon you.  And I won’t , if ever you are so down you don’t know where to turn and have no one to turn to i will always be here for you. This will always be your home.
This is not an ultimatum of these people or me, because you have already chosen whoever it is over me, you have known, probably since the beginning that I was completely head over heals in love with you.But I can’t continue like this for ever, it’s not in my nature to be continually wondering if you really do have feelings for me and it’s not fair on you either as I think each time I say I love you  it puts pressure on you.
When I’m making decisions I often ask myself what you would do , you always seem so decisive in your choices , and I expect it is a front, but it’s a good one. But what would you do now. Would you stay, and hope and hurt or would you  put up the shutters and walk away ... .”
Which she replied to “Never said I couldn’t see how it’s difficult

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Foolish man]

Never said I couldn’t see how it’s difficult

[Foolish man]

Why would you ask yourself what I would do?

I’m really not that decisive... .I make decisions in split seconds without thinking about them so why would I be decisive?
Did I do the wrong thing, did I say the wrong things . I live in a small town , her ex ( now current) children go to the same school as mine. I don’t want any hassle , but I’m pretty sure she will be telling everyone I am a stalker, she has before, and that I am the problem. She has already lied to him about where she was this week, when she was with me. I fear this could all get out of hand.
How do I handle any future contact , I don’t intend to make any,
Should  ignore ?
Need some advice as I have made so many mistakes so far

[Foolish man]

Sorry this was her first response to my text
Never said I couldn’t see how it’s difficult

[Foolish man]

It does seem to come up so I will write her response out
“Never said I couldn’t see it was difficult , you really think I want all these people chasing me ... .man i’d  rather not have all these people ... .I get you don’t share and that is clear... .but you aren’t sharing because for you to be sharing I would have to be your girlfriend and I am not .
Why what do actually see when you look at me ? Actually don’t answer that because I would just be a load of lies and bull___ .”

[once removed]

hi Foolish man,

do i have it right that you sent the text in your first post, and she responded with this:

“Never said I couldn’t see it was difficult , you really think I want all these people chasing me ... .man i’d  rather not have all these people ... .I get you don’t share and that is clear... .but you aren’t sharing because for you to be sharing I would have to be your girlfriend and I am not .
Why what do actually see when you look at me ? Actually don’t answer that because I would just be a load of lies and bullPLEASE READ .”

[Foolish man]

Hi yes i couldn’t copy and paste as it had an imoji in the message

[once removed]

okay. got it.

not responding is certainly an option.

what isnt clear to me is the outcome youd like to see here. you mention that you want to walk away, and also mention you are struggling with doing so. thats understandable.

in the meantime, it seems like the two of you are primarily arguing about each other, and rehashing some of the old relationship fights. that probably isnt constructive or helpful to you.

theres a saying/method here called "release with grace". it can look a little different depending on the circumstances, but it generally involves slowly disentangling and disengaging in a way that gives both parties the space and separation to heal, and gradually go their own separate ways.

theres another method called "stop the bleeding". it means we stop our contribution in the dysfunctional cycle, so that the circumstances have the space to improve.

which of these sounds most appealing and best fits what youd like to see happen?

[Foolish man]

Thanks for the reply
She wanted no contact before , after we got back together for a day and then she finished it again. But that only lasted a week before she phoned me again. She said only this week that it was him who told her to go no contact. The same with deleting me from Facebook and then she messaged the next day .

I am anxious, but the text was at first meant to be leave me alone message , but then I softened and didn’t want to close all the doors .
Yes it is a toxic relationship , so many lies and hidden things , I am only just starting to see the reality of how bad it could get .  All my friends and family have told me to stay away , for months now. But something inside of me just wouldn’t let go , and I have always been available to her on demand.
I really do want to stop , but I am still conflicted .
This is taking its toll on my health .
Not sure I could take the gloating that will come when they finally announce they are an item . My friends may possibly react as well ... .and they are a lot more feisty than me .
Just to add a point, when I got together with her , her ex made a beeline for my ex wife and they spent some time together ... .
messed up huh !

[Foolish man]

One of the replies seems to have disappeared
I really don’t think she will contact me now , the tone of her messages seems fairly final to me. It is possible she will now tho to stoke the fire a bit , as she thrives on drama.
I think just ignoring messages will probably just enrage her more and make any accidental contact ( meeting in town) very difficult

[once removed]

she probably is pretty conflicted herself. putting decisions in her hands or following her lead can make things all the more confusing.

I think just ignoring messages will probably just enrage her more and make any accidental contact ( meeting in town) very difficult

cutting someone off can certainly escalate things. "release with grace" is more about slowly disengaging, like a fire that slowly burns out, without being stoked.

why not set the argument aside, and just tell her (in your own words) that youre sorry to hear about the near car crash, hope that she feels better, and is safe?

[Foolish man]

This happened yesterday evening , and the texts happened afterwards .  By now it is too late as we haven’t spoken or text today.  Bringing it back up will now look like I am trying to re engage , which is not the best idea.
When we were getting together she would screen shot messages from her then ex and send them to me , so I expec the same is happening again

[once removed]

This happened yesterday evening , and the texts happened afterwards .  By now it is too late as we haven’t spoken or text today.  Bringing it back up will now look like I am trying to re engage , which is not the best idea.

that makes sense.

it will be good to have a strategy and general idea of your goals the next time you hear from her.

[crushedagain]

In my opinion, these sorts of emails which "pour out one's soul" mean nothing to a BPDer and so are better left unsaid. In fact, I don't think anything really resonates with them as they are disgustingly selfish and unable to look at things from somebody else's perspective. It's "me, me, me" with them, 24/7.  

And her chilling response is proof. You essentially expressed your undying love and devotion to her and she turned around and insulted and crapped on you, for lack of a better description.

[Foolish man]

Yes a day on I definitely regret sending it . I actually didn’t think atthe time , I just typed , I guess I am a bit too emotional atthe moment. Considered response is needed in future .
I expect her response was for her new fella’s benefit as well as if history is repeated she will show him the text and her response. But not the one where she admits to be with me a few days before

[Foolish man]

My strategy from now on , if needed , will be to keep it pleasant and polite . I don’t think that she will contact me as I am now not needed. She has someone new to give her the attention she needs , someone to share the drama with.
But then maybe she won’t want to leave it like this , at the moment t she will be angry, but that will calm down at some point .
My strategy is now to not try and react , to keep quiet and not re engage , they will go public at some point soon so the town gossips will go large for a bit. I will just keep my head up and carry on being me

[crushedagain]

Are you trying to get back together with her or something? Have you thought about no contact and healing to get on with your life?

[once removed]

sometimes what looks to us like undying love, or support, looks more to another person like blame, or judgment, or rehashing the old relationship fights, or trying to make a person see things our way.

whether trying to release with grace, or stop the bleeding, we want to get out of this mode. emotional responses feed emotional responses.

[Foolish man]

Crushed again - thanks for you reply , no this time I am not . Although I recognise my feelings for her , this is not a good relationship and there is no positive outcome. My family and friends including one of my 2 daughters detest her and her behaviour . So I do need to move on . No contact from me , but I expect there will be a time when we either bump into each other or she tries to reconnect on some level

[Foolish man]

Once removed -
Yes you are right , my desperately worded text was not the right response and I regret that , but saying so to her would again seem like I am trying to reconnect and it is too early for that . But if I leave it they will soon be public and it will look like a am inconsistent and emotional and unstable . Which I probably am at the moment . So no response is the best response until I can think more clearly in the moment

[once removed]

i agree theres nothing to reply to in her last text.

[crushedagain]

My opinion is that it will only hurt you to "be there" for her as she sees other men. There's nothing to be gained for you. If I put myself in your shoes, I would be in terrible pain even knowing she was with somebody new.

I had the luxury of not knowing or caring what my ex was doing at all. I have not heard from her since going no contact, well over a year ago. This doesn't mean I wasn't hurting terribly - my mind imagined the men she must be with and I was aching to hold her. But there was nothing concrete and a complete lack of contact helped tremendously.

Even without a BPD ex, breakups really hurt. That's why there are so many excruciating breakup songs. One that always seemed to come to mind was Lionel Richie's "Hello" where he sings:

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely,
or is someone loving you?'

It's the feeling I'm always left with when a relationship ends. Best of luck.

[Foolish man]

I really don’t intend to be there whilst she dates other people . I guess the trauma of having my nose rubbed in it made me react in an emotional and desperate way.
Another day of no contact , so I am assuming this is future now. Which I know is best for me, but this is very difficult.

[Foolish man]

So she broke the silence last night and phoned me, I wasn’t expecting that. It was for some fanciful reason which didn’t seem very likely but thanks to your advice guys it was a good, even conversation. Kept it polite , showed interest and it all seemed to go well . Thank you

[Foolish man]

Again she text me yesterday , a picture of the dinner she was cooking , but nothing today. Is this charming ?
I really don’t understand . Today she changed her progfile picture on Facebook ( yes I looked as she deleted me ) and put picture on Instagram , which she knows we are still connected on. Part of me sees this as her normal behaviour but is this just another way of still being in the picture .
It really is making it difficult not to contact her , I am trying but the urge sometimes is so strong ... .

[Upandown]

I am in a six month relationship with a BPDw.  Some of what you described I could identify with very much.  Her act of sending a picture of dinner.  In my case, if I haven't heard from her for a few days, and there is some tension in the background, she might text me, "going to the pool, to relax".  Not connected to anything.  It's as if they want us to know they are there, in the same way as in elementary school.  Throw a paper airplane at us.  Let us try to figure out what is going on in their mind. 

And your partner's comment about "you don't have to share, I'm not your girlfriend".  To me, it's an unbelievably callous thing to say.  It made my stomach cringe to read it.  There are much, much kinder ways to respond. 

At times, in the back and forth between whether we are romantically involved or just friends, I will use the word "relationship".  And she will say, "no, we don't have a relationship".  To her a relationship means romantic and at that particular time she wants to devalue and make me feel insignificant.  Even though she still uses me.  So maybe I should just agree, "you're correct, we don't have a relationship, you just use me".

[Foolish man]

Thanks for the reply .
She was right , she wasn’t my girlfriend , although we had had a very intimate day on the Sunday before she clearly sees it as something else now and the other interested parties , of whom there are many , she bows sees as her romantic involvement a .
Hurtful yes , to me , but that was the reason for saying it and not focusing on any of the other points were her way of saying it doesn’t matter to her .
So far have seen her twice whilst driving and there has been at least one text per day , although 1 was initiated by me .  I have no idea if this is it , we haven’t talked this little since we met so I guess it is fizzyling out , which is probably the easiest way for this to finish and for me to let go .
I don’t think you should say you are using me , it won’t sit well with her thought pattern and is quite confrontational , you can’t fight fire with fire ,I have learnt that doesn’t work. Find another way to say that her behaviour upsets you and makes you feel she only wants the support bits of a relationship .
Hope that helps a bit