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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: My first post, 4 weeks NC today  (Read 294 times)
beautifullybrkn

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 29, 2019, 04:36:53 PM »

This is my first post here, but I've been following some other threads and they have helped me in knowing I'm not alone in what I've had to deal with.
To give some background my 1.5 yr relationship "officially" ended on Jan 1. I knew my ex for 20+ yrs but we reconnected after years and became romantically involved. He had gotten out of a 4 yr toxic relationship before me with a woman who was terribly abusive, tried to run him over with her car, damaged his cars, personal property, broke windows to his home, stalked... .during our relationship I was witness to many of her violent acts and had been there to report incidents to the police. He had her arrested and went to court to get a retraining order. Of course he played the victim which was justified from what I could see. He is an ex combat military vet and was diagnosed (but untreated) with PTSD which I was also witness to some of his nightmares and flashbacks and knew of some of his traumas (both in the military and out) He's un-ndiagnosed BPD but showed very strong traits of. From the start he seemed very insecure, clingy, always needed validation, came on strong to have a relationship. We connected on a level I've never connected with anyone before. About a month or 2 into the relationship the push/pull dynamic began and would continue every couple weeks/months. He would ignore me for a few days after my attempts at contact would go unanswered I would leave him be thinking he just needed some time to himself and then we would often come back saying things like don't you care if we ever talk again? There was no reasoning with these irrational exchanges and he would go on and on about how hurt he was and that he couldn't live without me and that he though I was breaking up with him. At the time I overlooked these now obvious red flags as misunderstandings and then things would be great for a while. In Jan 18 he ignored me for 2 weeks. That is when my own abandonment issues and anxiety peaked. I suffer from GAD and OCD and started experiencing panic attacks. He reconnected apologizing about neglecting the relationship and how much he missed me. When I tried to communicate what that "episode" had done to my anxiety he seemed very surprised and not particularly empathetic although outside of that, was always very attentive, loving and affectionate. He went out of his way to do things for me and my family and we spent a lot of time together. We took a wonderful vacation in Aug and by Sept he started acting up again. Ignoring me again easily angered/irritated in general. In hindsight I also realized some black and white thinking he had towards family and friends thinking wow that's harsh, what they did wasn't THAT bad to completely shut them out or say such hateful things... .The Fri before Thanksgiving we planned a date/movie night I text him my disappointment at 10pm when I didn't hear from him. He called to apologize but didn't sound like himself. He apologized saying he was working late, said he was very stressed, that my voice soothed him, he missed sleeping next to me, would reach out at night for me (I hadn't seen him in 2 nights) and said I love you and hung up. The following day he was supposed to let me know early if we were going to see his family for dinner. Again I didn't hear from him, I messaged that I was hurt he left me hanging again. He text back saying please don't be mad that he had to work and that his family cancelled. Then I was Ignored again for 4 days by now I told him I was sick with worry Thanksgiving was the following day and he was supposed to spend it with me and my family.  Thanksgiving morning he text saying he's been sick, been stressing about us, feels like he's going through a depression, it's not me, he's gotta get his s*** together, apologized for not going with to thanksgiving because he was sick and that he would call the following day to talk. 5 weeks went by before I heard from him again.  During that time I sent him supportive text messages saying I knew he was struggling and that I was there for him if he needed anything and that I loved him. After 5 weeks I got a message from him saying I know you didn't care that I was going through a depression and that he didn't have Thanksgiving or Christmas and that he spent all this time alone barely speaking to anyone and that he felt I was upset with him and threw our relationship away and he thought we had something great and HE ruined it. huh what? It didn't make any sense. I didn't respond immediately because I was in a boxing class by the time I got out of class within an hour he had text again saying well no response says it all goodbye baby! I was floored and needed time to process! I responded calmly saying I had tried to be supportive but when my texts were ignored I decided to cease contact. That of course I cared about what he was going through and I was there all he had to do was let me know what he needed because I honestly didn't know. He responded saying he felt lost, empty didn't feel like himself anymore and didn't know what was happening. He said he went to the VA and they wanted to give him meds for the PTSD and depression. Then there was A LOT of self loathing and that he was not a very good boyfriend and apologized for being so detached. The following day I received a message on fb from an obviously fake acct from a woman telling me to stay the F away from (ex) that he was a lowlife scumbag liar and cheater and that he's been with her for years including last week when she took care of him while he was really sick and the night before. I knew in my gut this was the crazy ex that had been out to ruin him and I would have called her on BS until she thanked me for a tshirt that I had gotten my ex from an earlier trip said that she had worn it the other night. At that point I knew they had contact and I was beyond devastated. I couldn't wrap my mind around this betrayal he hated her. She tried to kill him! I sent him the screens of what she sent asked him if it were true. Nothing... .The following day Jan 1st I sent him a final text letting him know how I felt and ending it. (my own form of closure I suppose) I have never been in so much emotional pain, couldn't eat, sleep, anxiety, panic I was just a mess! Went to see a therapist who who brought to light that he may have been dealing with a personality disorder along with the ptsd and the depression. Once I stared gaining knowledge it all started to make more sense and the understanding has really helped me begin to heal. I have yet to block him on fb that one's been difficult for me and he still has my house key which I wonder if he's holding onto to have a reason to re-establish contact at some point (I got my locks changed) I never replied to the crazy ex's messaged she messaged a mutual friend (giving herself away) saying she messaged me being a jerk and that it was inappropriate. I think she was upset she didn't get a reaction from me. I responded to my friend simply saying I didn't want any part of her drama. In hindsight I wonder if my ex never really ended things with her and shut her out making her act out the way she did? She was crazy upset when he began seeing me and to be honest I would NOT want to be on the other side of her wrath she's completely unhinged. I guess I didn't offer him the chaos and drama that he was used to. I still have terrible crying spells and anxiety but it's a little less and less each day. I'm trying so hard to do whatever possible to cope and try to look forward to a healthy future. Because he didn't rage outward and physically abuse me, It's hard to accept that he was abusive although I know now that the pain from being shut out and ignored is worse. I don't think he's a terrible person, I think it's sad he's ill and will probably never be self aware enough to do what he needs to do to help himself. Right now my biggest struggle is if or when he were to reach out what would I do? Last week honestly I would have said I'd entertain talking to him out of curiosity, in hopes of an apology or closure? But now I'm not so sure, and I know that it's unlikely I would get any sort of closure or apology. I'm sorry this became a bit lengthy but It feels really cathartic to share my story here and I'm looking forward to gaining new insight and support here.
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Ozzie101
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2019, 02:34:27 PM »

Hi beautifullybrkn, and welcome! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Wow. That sounds like you've been through a lot. Those are a lot of emotions and that's a lot of pain to sort through. You'll find that many other members here have been where you are (or close) and can give support, understanding and advice. I'd encourage you to keep reading here. And post in other people's threads! You might have some insight or advice that might help them as well!

Just out of curiosity, are you still seeing a therapist? Do you have a good support system around you (other than this site, of course)? Those can be invaluable in getting back on your feet after a breakup.
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beautifullybrkn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2019, 10:35:12 AM »

Thank you Ozzie101! Gosh I didn't realize how incredibly long my post was I guess I just needed to get it out so thank you so much for reading it through.
I am still seeing a therapist and little by little she is helping me see him for who he really was, changing my thoughts and perspective, and helping with my codependency issues, grieving the loss and positive affirmations to learn to love myself again. I have a few friends and close family members that have been supportive, but the "check ins" have waned so I don't want to keep burdening them. I don't know that they really understand how this has affected me and why I can't just let it go. I will continue to read here. In hindsight I've always had toxic relationships. My ex-husband was Bi-polar with NPD untreated and self medicated with alcohol. We were together 9 years and after our divorce, I spent 8 years working on myself. I felt great, independent and confident until this relationship. It's terrifying how easily I fell back into co-dependency. The pain of my failed marriage pales in comparison to the end of this relationship what a mindf***! I realize I still have a lot of work ahead of me.
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Harri
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« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2019, 09:02:31 PM »

Hi.   
Excerpt
I have a few friends and close family members that have been supportive, but the "check ins" have waned so I don't want to keep burdening them. I don't know that they really understand how this has affected me and why I can't just let it go
It is hard and a lot of times people who have not been in these relationships don't get it.  That's okay though.  We do get it here and so does your therapist so that is a huge help.  It is important though to stay in contact with friends and family, even if only to talk about other stuff and maybe get out and do things.  It is too easy to lose touch with people when we are hurting.

Excerpt
The pain of my failed marriage pales in comparison to the end of this relationship what a mindf***! I realize I still have a lot of work ahead of me.
Well, you are in a place where so many of us have had more than one troubled relationship and almost everyone says their relationship with their pwBPD (person with BPD) was much harder to recover from.  These sort of relationships can get right to the core hurts we have.  The good news is that you have already done a lot of owrk and you are in the right place to do more when ready.

We've got ya.

I second Ozzie in encouraging you to read and post, especially in other peoples threads.  Reaching out to others helps them but can also help you too.  We all have something to offer each other.

 
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Self-esteem not based on anything is narcissism.
beautifullybrkn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2019, 09:11:30 AM »

Thank you Harri! I do plan to keep reading posts here and post if my own situation can help others with their pain. There are so many of us that have fallen prey to these relationships it's almost staggering!
I'm finding that the more informed I become with this disorder and the behaviors the more I can step back and see things more objectively. As I try desperately to detach from my emotions, I can look back on some of his past behaviors and really start to see there were signs all along but we don't see it when we're in the thick of it. My most difficult struggle is still accepting that someone I allowed myself to love and care for so deeply could wear such a mask of deception.
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once removed
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2019, 10:57:31 AM »

hi beautifullybrkn,

it sounds like he had a pretty chaotic inner world, and incredibly hard to be in a relationship with.

i had crying jags myself. the body can go through an awful lot after a breakup, especially where theres a lot of shock involved. it really does get better.

what sorts of things are you doing to cope?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
beautifullybrkn

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2019, 02:17:30 PM »

Hi once removed! Yes I know he did have an inner struggle. I'm not surprised based on the trauma I was aware of. Also I witnessed the abuse and violence of the ex and think he may have gone back as self punishment but who knows.
It's amazing what our bodies do to release the stress. The crying spells come out of nowhere and there's no controlling it for me. They are down to 1-2 a day as opposed to on the hour initially.
I take a boxing class twice a week (which I've been doing since after my divorce in 2008) It's been very therapeutic getting me through this. I also found some great guided meditations on YouTube for self love, codependency and letting go of relationships. I fall asleep to them nightly. Lots of positive affirmations. My Therapist gave me a stack of them she said even if I don't believe them, it's important to repeat them at least 50-100 times over regularly to change the brain wiring and eventually I will. I'm also working on the self-esteem workbook. This experience has been so traumatic for me I'm desperate to do whatever work it takes to feel like myself again and come out of this a stronger person. I know I sound more optimistic than I am,  it's been baby steps but I want nothing more than to heal from this pain and the intrusive thoughts. Having GAD and OCD doesn't help!
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