Please help me understand if I have been emotionally abused

[lauran]

Hi all,

Im so pleased to tell you that im well out of the FOG now and I’ve worked through almost all of the rumination   – the one that is left that is hindering my progress is ‘was it really abuse or am I imagining/exaggerating it?’

My conscious knows that abuse is subjective.

It never occurred to me during the relationship that I was being emotionally and verbally abused – until I went to see the doctor having been brutally discarded and not knowing what the hell was going on (he’s undiagnosed BPD by the way) I had no idea what BPD even was then. Anyway, I went to the docs - I was a mess and begging anti-depressants – and my doc said to me ‘You’re not depressed. Your body is in trauma as a result of abuse.’ I literally looked at her like she was crazy. Me? Abused? That’s when the penny dropped and realisation slowly dawned on me. (I should add that I was diagnosed with cPTSD (although this didn't last long so im hesitant to say I actually had it full-blown, out of respect for those that have) and referred for therapy).

Cut a very long story and 11 months short, and back to my question, below is a list of things he said to me. There is more but they are along the same lines. They wernt said in isolation – they formed part of a sentence (or one of his borderline rages – which, if you know you know!) Now I look at these words from time to time, especially when my conscious is doubting the fact abuse took place. I can only really describe it as my brain playing down the magnitude of what actually took place or that im crying wolf and I should ‘man-up’ as there are people in this world with much larger problems than I. And then I feel really guilty and a bit of a snowflake…

Guys if I may, can you please help me and let me know if you think these words below= emotional abuse? It would mean a lot to me. I just want to silence the doubts in my head once and for all and seek validation from the only people that understand what a relationship is like with a BPD:

You embarrass me.

You made my head go.

It’s all because of you.

I don’t wanna plan anything with you you boring c***

I’ll be better off without you.

You make me feel let down, hurt, rejected and embarrassed

When I raised how hurt I feel he said ‘I couldn’t care less’.

‘Yeah so what you put make up on n did dinner, what for to impress me?’

You've let ME down you always have and you always will.

I don't care anymore.

F**king joker

F**king ignorant

I hate you

Your Poison

Prat

Your nuts

Dog

C***

Your selfish

Your exactly the same as you was before Xmas

Your no good for me

Never have been and never will be there for me

I feel nothing

You lie

I’m not the one for you

[Ozzie101]

Hello lauran! 

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I'm not an expert, but from what you've written, yes that qualifies as emotional/verbal abuse. As someone whose uBPDh is verbally abusive, I can say I have heard the same or similar things.

The human brain is amazing in its ability to adapt and to protect us, though its protective measure sometimes do harm. I think it's normal to look back and doubt yourself, to wonder "did that really happen"?

Kudos to you for moving past the FOG and getting on the road to health! Are you still seeing a therapist?

[radoe]

Sounds like my partner.

So I would say you were hurt and abused, but BPD's are aware from a different perspective.

It is up to us to keep ourselves spiritually strong.

[Cromwell]

Hi lauran

First of all, sorry to hear you have been through a hurtful experience here. Just my own thoughts on your question based on my own relationship with diagnosed BPDx;

BPD rage - I have heard when these insults come during rage mode, the rage is actually in a state of psychosis.

ive seen blind rage, red mist, in others, have experienced myself, but when I first saw BPD rage it freaked me out. She just wasnt 'there' on the same plane anymore. It is a different variant altogether.

So when it comes to stuff said in that mode, i wouldnt call it emotional abuse, its not clear cut enough with intent to abuse, it is an unrestrained temper tantrum that eventually I just labelled as 'noise'.

But, there was emotional abuse in the relationship - derogatory sleights, sarcasm, cryptic put downs. My ex was never direct confrontational with me, but it would still fit the definition.

Its hard to define these things, I think I agree with you there is a lot of subjectivity. My ex came from a british equivalent of trailer trash background - she just spoke like this as part of her upbringing but when she was in a r/s with me she didnt, and mirrored my phraseology.

Some of the phrases like "im not the one for you", could be as much as a test to see how you react, how likely you would abandon.

"i feel nothing", i wonder how many others here have heard exactly this or words to the same effect. I got "I have no soul". From what ive read, BPD can be associated with a feeling of emptiness, I wouldnt put this phrase down as emotional abuse.

Id say there is a difference between name calling in a state of anger, than emotional abuse.

I believe a lot of this is about the context of what was said rather than just the words themselves.

Glad you found us here and best wishes with therapy and recovery.

[Hopefulgirl]

Absolutely, emotional abuse.

In my opinion there different levels of borderline personality disorder. But I also believe you have to look at the person underneath the disorder. There are some people who have BPD who underneath it are good people, who have a basic good heart. And there are some that are just crappy people underneath the Disorder. This person sounds like one of those.

 I hope you get help to heal from this. This behavior is not only BPD but sounds highly narcissistic. He knows that he is s*** and he wants you to feel the same way about yourself so you're on an equal playing field. Selfish and cruel , that's all it comes down to really.

[once removed]

Guys if I may, can you please help me and let me know if you think these words below= emotional abuse? It would mean a lot to me. I just want to silence the doubts in my head once and for all and seek validation from the only people that understand what a relationship is like with a BPD:

when it comes to detaching from the wounds, i think the fundamental question is not the labels we might put on these statements (i can think of several... .hurtful, insensitive, unrealistic, extreme, childish... .) but whether theyre examples of something you want in a relationship.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Been through it too. Need to be careful as there is some form of intentional brainwashing involved. If somebody tells you something so frequent that you stop challenging it and worse of all start to believe it. It's not easy to jump off the spinning ride, probably because of FOG. Take the leap and the hard landing hurts, but you look in retrospect and wonder how you put up with that crap.
There are good techniques here on coping mechanisms. I feel it's also important to recognize and understand what's going on in the first place, like being mindful and having boundaries. Takes practice and I am still learning.

[Luan]

I should ‘man-up’ as there are people in this world with much larger problems than I. And then I feel really guilty and a bit of a snowflake…

Guys if I may, can you please help me and let me know if you think these words below= emotional abuse? It would mean a lot to me. I just want to silence the doubts in my head once and for all and seek validation from the only people that understand what a relationship is like with a BPD

I'm really sorry you've experienced this Lauren, and well done on the work you've done. Emotional abuse? definitely. Could also be called verbal abuse and/or mental abuse. For me, probably all of us here, the words used against us echo in our heads for a long time. I can be doing something unrelated, and something that she (ex uBPD) said will come back to me in a flash. I'll ponder on what she meant etc. But the worst I got was 'I feel nothing', 'You made me feel embarrassed', 'You let me down', 'You're no good for me', 'I’m not the one for you'.

Seems like these words linger for such a long time, as they are hurtful in the extreme when you love someone and only trying your best. On the other hand, these things she said to me, along with many other things - like why the relationship was ending, are very descriptive of her, she did let me down and embarrass me. So... .

Is there a way in which everyone of the statements you list is a reflection of how your ex felt about themselves? I have learnt that it is a secret language that reveals everything about this person, and has so little to do with us, other than we chose to stay and listen.

[Notwendy]

I also didn't recognize verbal abuse. I grew up with it ( and other emotional abuse from BPD mom) but I wasn't physically hurt. I assumed an abusive relationship meant being physically abused. Because verbal abuse was the "norm" growing up, I also didn't recognize it in a romantic relationship.

Then, I found this book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans.

She explains it clearly. I think it will help you to understand it.

[Coastered]

ive seen blind rage, red mist, in others, have experienced myself, but when I first saw BPD rage it freaked me out. She just wasnt 'there' on the same plane anymore. It is a different variant altogether.

Totally agree.  BPD rage is on a different scale, the eyes said nothing yet that said it all... .

[Coastered]

I have also heard her say "she feels empty" or "feels nothing".  This is quite common.

Going back to your post it is emotional abuse but I am not entirely convinced that they mean what they say.  Hopeless lost little children trying to heal.

[blueblue12]

Lauran,
I am also sorry to hear your story. Like you I had no idea my ex wife had a condition. I was convinced (by her) that anything that was going wrong in the relationship was my fault. She would tell me often. She would rage, throw things around, argue at 3am even as I tried and tried to avoid the situation by being very quiet and trying not to engage. That would infuriate her even more. I was accused of many things over the years and I would take it. I was even accused often of loving my son more then her, which was a ridiculous suggestion. She could not understand different forms of love, the love from a father to a son.

When I met my T he enlightened me to what I had been through over the years. He informed me about BPD. I had no idea what that was! When she left me, she basically said “we are done, you are too controlling, insecure, etc.” Then she basically gave me the silent treatment for a year while I tried and tried to salvage the marriage. I was convinced that it was all my fault. She even asked me during that period to write her an apology letter for my failings. And I did! Later after the split and a new guy for a time, while we were living together and unbeknown to me, she came back pleading to get back together, I was suddenly the greatest guy in earth!

My sessions with my T have been great, he has helped immensely, it has been two years since the split and I am now thankfully out of the fog. I can see it all clearly. What my T has said to me is that I was the one who was controlled all along and that I had been seriously abused. I had never thought of it as abuse either. I just took it all always thinking if I do just a little more maybe she will realise how much I really care and love her. But to no avail. I could never do enough really. It was a strange position to be in. I just took it and took it. During the first sessions with my T he also mentioned anti depressants and he basically said “you don’t need those, you are not depressed, you have been living in a very damaging relationship, you have been abused severely over the years, you just need to work on getting through this.” It has taken some time but like I mentioned earlier it all seems so much clear now. I was in there for the long run, forever really, no matter what. Incredible how silly that sounds now!

[Letranger]

Hi Lauran,

I think the real question to ask is what those comments meant to *you*. It's good to read that you are working on yourself after experiencing so much emotional harm. You don't need the votes of us readers to affirm the presence of verbal abuse. Trust the positive voice in your head telling you that you deserved better, and that the harm was real.

I write this as someone starting the process of trusting myself after 18 years of hearing how awful I am (but apparently not so awful that she wants me gone!)

All the best,
Some random old dude on the Internet.