Anger at dying MIL; Advice needed

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello!  It’s been years since this group saved my soul and SWOE became my bible. But I’m back. I have a BP SIL. My MIL is in 80’s and dying (weeks) and I am so angry at her. Maybe these are separate posts but here goes:

1. How do I deal with my anger at my dying  MIL? And how do I not put it on my husband? (he needs to be supporting his mother whom he loves very much and letting go)
2. My husband apologized in advance for acting like his family bcs he’s spending a lot of time w/ them and I see it so trying to be forgiving because... .mom dying. But any ideas on how to handle this? Today we were discussing something about his mom and he told me “I don’t want to discuss this further. This conversation is over”. Not like him.
3. How do we transition/talk differently about this - we have always been on the same page, talk openly, both get upset with MIL etc but now his mom will be dead and he wants to let go of the bad things and focus on his love for her. And I need to keep processing my anger, but I don’t think I should do it w/ him.


Wordy details only if you want them: MIL denies BPD, has sacrificed her close rel’ship w/ me and my husband to protect her bp daughter (you all warned me and I was convinced it would never happen). We spent years subtly trying to educate her that there are healthier options than walking on eggshells, to no avail. Abt 6 yrs ago I shut my mouth, smiled, put my husband in charge of all event planning with MIL, and disengaged emotionally (I was subtle, but she knows, is always telling me how flexible I am, how she knows I “shut my mouth a lot”) She sees my silence as agreement at times or at least compliance but it is just defeat. I put my focus on my kids r’ship with her and FIL. Things have been reasonably drama free the last 2 yrs (SIL is somewhat stable and started talking to me again, sort of, a few years ago)

Now MIL is 83 and dying. And I am suddenly so angry! MIL doesn’t want to upset my SIL, you know the pattern. Now my sweet husband is trying to heal. But As he lets go of anger, it builds like a fierce wave in me. I am an easy going person and all I can do is obsessively create passive aggressive comments in my head to whisper in her ear once she can’t speak anymore. I feel like a terrible person. I am full of regrets for what I put up with over the years (SIL has a child and it was always about wanting my husband to maintain some connection to her child).

SIL has stayed away since raging at hospital daily when we first found out. Says it’s too contentious to be around her siblings (good she knows her limits but she’s putting crazy ideas in her mom’s head when alone w/ her - her siblings are to blame, her child is more important than ours in terms of inheritance. Blah.) I have never been mad at SIL, she has an illness. But MIL could have done better. And that makes me so sad and so mad and so full of regret (not self blame, just wish I’d made a few different tactical choices, so many lessons learned in hindsight, the book I could write about what not to do ; )

Anyway, I could use advice, ideas, your experiences, or even just a “good luck” pat on the back

[Gem4747]

Hello!  It’s been years since this group saved my soul and SWOE became my bible. But I’m back. I have a BP SIL. My MIL is in 80’s and dying (weeks) and I am so angry at her. Maybe these are separate posts but here goes:

1. How do I deal with my anger at my dying  MIL? And how do I not put it on my husband? (he needs to be supporting his mother whom he loves very much and letting go)
2. My husband apologized in advance for acting like his family bcs he’s spending a lot of time w/ them and I see it so trying to be forgiving because... .mom dying. But any ideas on how to handle this? Today we were discussing something about his mom and he told me “I don’t want to discuss this further. This conversation is over”. Not like him.
3. How do we transition/talk differently about this - we have always been on the same page, talk openly, both get upset with MIL etc but now his mom will be dead and he wants to let go of the bad things and focus on his love for her. And I need to keep processing my anger, but I don’t think I should do it w/ him.


Wordy details only if you want them: MIL denies BPD, has sacrificed her close rel’ship w/ me and my husband to protect her bp daughter (you all warned me and I was convinced it would never happen). We spent years subtly trying to educate her that there are healthier options than walking on eggshells, to no avail. Abt 6 yrs ago I shut my mouth, smiled, put my husband in charge of all event planning with MIL, and disengaged emotionally (I was subtle, but she knows, is always telling me how flexible I am, how she knows I “shut my mouth a lot”) She sees my silence as agreement at times or at least compliance but it is just defeat. I put my focus on my kids r’ship with her and FIL. Things have been reasonably drama free the last 2 yrs (SIL is somewhat stable and started talking to me again, sort of, a few years ago)

Now MIL is 83 and dying. And I am suddenly so angry! MIL doesn’t want to upset my SIL, you know the pattern. Now my sweet husband is trying to heal. But As he lets go of anger, it builds like a fierce wave in me. I am an easy going person and all I can do is obsessively create passive aggressive comments in my head to whisper in her ear once she can’t speak anymore. I feel like a terrible person. I am full of regrets for what I put up with over the years (SIL has a child and it was always about wanting my husband to maintain some connection to her child).

SIL has stayed away since raging at hospital daily when we first found out. Says it’s too contentious to be around her siblings (good she knows her limits but she’s putting crazy ideas in her mom’s head when alone w/ her - her siblings are to blame, her child is more important than ours in terms of inheritance. Blah.) I have never been mad at SIL, she has an illness. But MIL could have done better. And that makes me so sad and so mad and so full of regret (not self blame, just wish I’d made a few different tactical choices, so many lessons learned in hindsight, the book I could write about what not to do ; )

Anyway, I could use advice, ideas, your experiences, or even just a “good luck” pat on the back

[Panda39]

Hi Gem,

I get the anger you love your husband, want to protect him, and have had to watch his mother choose his sister at his expense.  There might even be some frustration because she's dying and things never got resolved or really fixed.

Don't blame yourself for things you did and didn't do, we all make decisions based on what we know at the time. You did the best you could.

I arrived here a very angry Panda, toxic angry at my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  Angry at how she was treating him, angry at how she treated her children, angry at the children who she used as weapons against their father, and even angry at my SO for not showing some backbone and standing up to his ex.

As a mother I had a particularly hard time with what a neglectful mother the ex was to her daughters.  One of the best pieces of advice I received at the time was to stop focusing on the ex and what she was and wasn't doing and instead focus on the girls.

So I offer that advice to you, don't focus on your MIL or SIL focus on your husband, focus on helping ease him through this... .focus on loving him.

Panda39

[madeline7]

I'm here to offer you a good luck pat on your back. When my enabler Dad passed 3 years ago, leaving me to deal with an elderly uBPDm, I was filled with so much ambivalence in terms of my grief. I loved my Dad, but his passing brought up feelings of anger that he didn't protect me and stand up to her. I also found that I wasn't even able to go through my own grieving process, as there was a disordered BPD left behind to care for. I kind of understood that my feelings would be complicated with the loss of either my uBPDm or my enabler Dad, but I did not realize just how challenging it would be. What I have found, as I think we all come to understand, is that everything is more difficult throughout the entire family system when there is an emotionally dysregulated person in the family. Take care.

[GaGrl]

Like Panda, I came here with simmering anger - the damage done to DH and his children by a particularly dysfunctional and vile uBPD/BPD was significant and has been long-lasting. DH has CPTSD but has healed. All three of his adult children are dysfunctional in relationships.

The biggest help to me to was an approach called Radical Forgiveness. The premise is that people are placed in our lives to allow us to heal from past hurts ( there is even discussion of past lives and reincarnation, which I' m OK with).

In other words, in tandem with Radical Acceptance ( "this is who and what she is") , I could then look to myself and my own triggers and pain, and figure out what I could do to be a better person. So I could let it go. I'm much better about living in the moment now, rather than fretting and attempting to control what is outside my sphere of influence.

[Gem4747]

So true that part of my feelings come from knowing I will never get resolution. So I will: Stop blaming myself. Focus on my husband. Practice radical acceptance. Let go. Your messages made me feel very grounded when I read them. I thought living with bp in the family was hard, dying with it has been even harder. Thank you so much for helping me get back on track.

[Gem4747]

And Madeline7 I can so relate to being upset that he didn’t stand up for you or to her. That is one of my biggest points of contention - that my MIL does not stand up to her BP daughter (with loving boundaries). And instead makes her other healthy children the bad guys to normalize her BP daughter’s behavior. I get protective of my husband. But I think it’s time to let go and I’m getting good advice on how to do that : ) Thanks for sharing your experience.