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Author Topic: I need help with surviving in my relationship with BPD girlfriend  (Read 717 times)
Jdf88
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: January 31, 2019, 08:08:48 AM »

Hi everyone,

I’m 30 years old, I live with my parents, I’m unemployed and I’m very disoriented by the losses I faced summer of last year. Though at many times I feel down about it, I’m still doing everything to get myself together and proud of it.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and it’s been extremely  up and down for a while. We’ve said things and done things we can’t take back. Last summer she told me she doesn’t want to be in a relationship she just wants to be friends, I didn’t want that so I just left her alone and she begged to stay in my life. I gave in and came back but she still didn’t want to claim me as her boyfriend. This lasted off and on until this past December.

I made the choice this past Christmas that I’m going to do something I’ve never done, buy a nice promise ring for Christmas and give it to her. Even that backfired on me. Christmas eve we argued because she didn’t believe I ordered it on the day I said I did. She also felt that I was just telling her I ordered a gift just to rub it in her face that she didn’t get me anything. We wound up not spending Christmas together.

She later begged me to come back and I did once again, I told her I just want to feel appreciated and even though I may not be in an ideal life situation I still have a desirable character and that should matter more than money or job security right now. I just want her to love me through my hard time. I’ve been here many times before but I’ve always bounced back.

This didn’t last long either, not long after she started again acting ungrateful once I came back, my beautiful gestures were being under appreciated and the attitude was really nasty, she’d say I love you one minute and then say something really upsetting and hurtful the next.

I left again and this time I truly felt done dealing with the emotional abuse. That night she told me she needed help taking her clothes to the laundry. I said yes and we agreed to do it in another hour. 20 minutes later I’m laying down and she comes in the room asking me when are we going to do the laundry, she also said she hates when I act lazy and sluggish. I said it’s onlt been 20 minutes and she said I’m very selfish and if I didn’t want to help I should’ve just said so. The name calling pissed me off and hurt me honestly, she called me a child and then as I tried to talk she began acting like one herself by closing her ears and laying on the floor crying. She left the house and I went back to my parents house.

For 2 straight weeks after that she was calling me on Facebook messenger, my cell phone, my email and even sent me money on cash app so she can attach a message to it. She called my sister for a week straight to ask her can she tell me to call her. She apologized and begged and pleaded and promised things would be better. I don’t even bother to call or answer, this is all she Does is apologize and continue to do the same hurtful things. It wasn’t until she showed up to my parents house and I had no choice but to talk to her. She begged and apologized to my face and I wound up forgiving her and going to her house. I stayed there for the last couple of weeks and it was more good than bad honestly. We did have a conversation about her being tempted by other men and how she’s warning me now. Then yesterday happened!

Her brothers girlfriend is pregnant and is moving in with them in a couple of days. My Girlfriend sent me a screenshot of her and my brother's girlfriend’s conversation. Apparently My girlfriend asked my brother's girlfriend if she was coming over to her apartment. My brother's girlfriend responded with “Our apartment”. My girlfrined felt like she was trying to step on her toes and overstep her boundaries and she texted my brother's girlfriend back that “it’s not yours until you pay rent and when you move your stuff in”. She sent me these messages and told me she’s annoyed and doesn’t have time for that. I didn’t take what my brother's girlfriend said in the message seriously it felt like a joke to me plus I know her so I didn’t think she’d do that intentionally.

I expressed to my girlfriend that she’s right about being proud that she busses her behind to pay rent and maintain herself. But she’s wrong in creating a disagreement on something that she doesn’t technically own. I simply said your renting this apartment and you nor her can claim “ownership”. You can tell her your entitled to allow her to stay because you pay rent but you don’t own the project building so fighting over who can have the title of “owner” is a losing battle for all of you. Now if you want to argue who has the title of “renter” that’s different. I was attempting to give a more technical reason to diffuse the arguments before it became something more.

She then calls me and begins to argue with me, she tells me “it’s always the people that have nothing that have your perspective”. That cut me deep because as I introduced myself in the beginning you’ll see I mentioned I don’t have anything and I’m working on building myself up. But even when I do I still wouldn’t argue about ownership if I’m renting. They weren’t debating on rules and guidelines but rather who can claim “ownership”. She then told me I wasn’t really happy for her because I didn’t show excitement that she didn’t get her promotion. Despite the fact I said how proud I was of her whether she got it or not, or how I said out of my mouth that I’m happy for her.

I already have the fact that she’s tempted by other men in the back of my mind but now she’s saying all these hurtful things once again to me just because she’s jumping to the conclusion that I’m trying to down play her hard work and accomplishment of paying her rent every month. She didn’t ask what I meant by my statement so I can further clarify but instead went straight to spewing nasty remarks my way to hurt me. But what hurt the most was that the only intent was to make me feel hurt like she must’ve felt. I left and went back to my parents house and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel like the relationship has made me feel very codependent and I don’t know how to leave and stay gone even if I wanted to. I don’t understand BPD entirely but I’ve read much on it and im not sure what I’m dealing with here. Somebody, anybody please please please help me get through this.

Thank you everyone who took the time out to read this, your support is more appreciated than you can imagine.

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radoe
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 77



« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2019, 10:19:53 AM »

Dude if you are not married,

Figure out if you really love her and you will be content in this relationship for the rest of your natural life which might be another 70 years in your case.

If the answer is anything but yes, split

run

find someone that appreciates you for you
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Sandb2015
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, kicked out on 12/19 after meeting 3/19/2015
Posts: 459


« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2019, 10:31:23 AM »

FatherPeace,

What happened to the hope from yesterday?  I get the swing.

I hope you're doing well.

Welcome jdf88,  I'm sorry you are experiencing this situation, I understand the employment thing going on at the same time, it sucks.

Find a way to take care of yourself, read everything on this site, don't get discouraged, think of you first and take a different perspective.

Do ask yourself what you want, be realistic as to what you are capable of without wasting yourself.

Anything is possible.
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Just because you think it, doesn't make it true.
radoe
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 77



« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2019, 12:57:20 PM »

Sand

If I had know what would happen before I fell in love, before I made the commitment to love a life time.

If I did not know that my girlfriend was the one for me, the one I would spend my life with, I should have left.

I know she is right, for me.
I did not see this future.

I am sharing with JDF that he knows what he is getting into
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Sandb2015
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, kicked out on 12/19 after meeting 3/19/2015
Posts: 459


« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2019, 01:20:14 PM »

FatherPeace,

I apologize, I'm projecting my own feelings regarding my situation.

I'm guessing the reflection of everything up until now is an up and down ride, myself included.
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Purplex
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2019, 02:32:33 PM »

Hi Jdf88! Let me join the others and welcome you to the family  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through but I am glad you found us. As you can see a lot of us are in situations similar to yours and we try our best to support each other and find a way to better our relationships. I encourage you to explore the site and keep reading and posting. Maybe take a look at the tools and informations tab on top of this page to see if you can find something that could be helpful to you. Once you get a better understanding of BPD, its easier to see certain patterns like push/pull dynamics, splitting or outbursts of rage and learn strategies to cope with them in a healthy way.

If you don't mind I'd like to ask some questions for clarification so that we can get a better understanding of how we can support you.

Is your gf diagnosed with BPD?

Did I get it right that you lived together at her place for a couple of weeks until the last fight happened and you moved back to your parents house?

Are you in contact at the moment?
 
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Purplex
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 171



« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2019, 02:51:29 PM »

Fatherpeace, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences! But please keep our additional guidlines in mind. People on this board are looking for help to improve their relationship and find solutions, even if it’s difficult. Whether to leave or to stay is a very personal decision that every individual should make for themselves. Our focus lies on offering support and information to help each other make the best of the current situation.
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« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2019, 11:22:01 AM »

hi Jdf88,

it sounds like things have been simmering for a while, and have come to a head. my ex and i went through similar, things got really out of hand, and we said and did a lot of things that led me to emotionally abandon the relationship. this is tough, but not impossible to recover from.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and it’s been extremely  up and down for a while. We’ve said things and done things we can’t take back.

to give us a better picture, can you tell us what happened here? it sounds like this may have been a turning point.
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