Sister with BPD, I can't handle the relationship any more

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister wrote me out of the blue to say she was ending our toxic relationship, precisely when I was planning to see more of my family and help with my mom.

I have some compassion for her but I spent years witnessing the horrible fallout of her behavior (marriages, divorces, her emotional cruelty, her seeming love of excluding others, or idealizing them, or publicly shaming or vilifying them) and I always tried to avoid her emotionally but maintain a superficial, pleasant exterior.

I never thought I would be a target until that letter. I responded so angrily, I insulted her back as hard as I possibly could, I pointed out everything she had done, etc., and trust me, it was quite a list. I hate what I did.

And it was the worst thing I could have possibly done, I know. I calmed down and wrote her a heartfelt apology. Our mother's health is failing. No one needs this drama.

Needless to say, I've been "disappeared." She won't attend family events if I'm present, etc. I wrote one last email to all my sisters (I know, stop writing), saying I don't support emotional cruelty and exclusionary tactics. Re her "tactics," I know the drill because she did this for years with my other sister, who suffers from an autoimmune disorder most likely due to all the stress.

Anyway, I hate my sister so much it is beginning to consume me. But I can't model the same behavior (excluding her from gatherings, talking about her behind her back), especially in front of my children. I can't tell anyone outside the family what a complete pill she is. I don't think they would understand. She never keeps friends. But in her new circle, the latest husband is wealthy, two of her children are high-performing. Resources flow abundantly, she's great! But the whole thing is so sickening. This is my first post.

[Aegina]

My sister wrote me out of the blue to say she was ending our toxic relationship, precisely when I was planning to see more of my family and help with my mom.

I have some compassion for her but I spent years witnessing the horrible fallout of her behavior (marriages, divorces, her emotional cruelty, her seeming love of excluding others, or idealizing them, or publicly shaming or vilifying them) and I always tried to avoid her emotionally but maintain a superficial, pleasant exterior.

I never thought I would be a target until that letter. I responded so angrily, I insulted her back as hard as I possibly could, I pointed out everything she had done, etc., and trust me, it was quite a list. I hate what I did.

And it was the worst thing I could have possibly done, I know. I calmed down and wrote her a heartfelt apology. Our mother's health is failing. No one needs this drama.

Needless to say, I've been "disappeared." She won't attend family events if I'm present, etc. I wrote one last email to all my sisters (I know, stop writing), saying I don't support emotional cruelty and exclusionary tactics. Re her "tactics," I know the drill because she did this for years with my other sister, who suffers from an autoimmune disorder most likely due to all the stress.

Anyway, I hate my sister so much it is beginning to consume me. But I can't model the same behavior (excluding her from gatherings, talking about her behind her back), especially in front of my children. I can't tell anyone outside the family what a complete pill she is. I don't think they would understand. She never keeps friends. But in her new circle, the latest husband is wealthy, two of her children are high-performing. Resources flow abundantly, she's great! But the whole thing is so sickening. This is my first post.

[zachira]

How heartbreaking and distressing it is to get to the point where you feel you can't handle the relationship with your sister anymore. I have a sister with BPD/NPD and am totally fed up with how she blames others for her unhappiness including me, and her toxic narcissism. If this were a marriage, we could get a divorce, and we would only be divorcing one person. It is likely that not having anything to do with your sister would mean not having anything to do with the rest of the family as you would be hearing about her terrible behaviors from others, and what she is saying about you. Also, there are family members you do want in your life, and you would like to see everyone get along, especially since your mother's health is failing. Some family members  are able to understand what you are dealing with, and others will frankly never get it. The difficult part is how all the family drama and walking on egg shells is wounding to the very core of our souls, and can get to be so overwhelming that we can feel angry and helpless to improve our situation. You seem to be searching for ways to lessen the impact your sister has on your well being and the rest of the family, particularly since your mother's health is failing. We have many members who post here and share similar stories to yours. It can help to post here on a regular basis, to read the posts of other members, and to look at some of the educational materials on this site. Some days are going to be better than others. The key is to find ways to feel better and to be less impacted by your sister's behaviors, not easy yet very doable. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Aegina]

Thank you so much. Even the small amount of reading I've done here has been helpful! The issue is my mother, really, my other sisters totally get it. All the siblings haven't been together in one room for years because of my BPD sister's prior dramas but the ones who are not my sister are great and we are all super close.

It's just that, this time, my sister won't see my mother if I'm there (and the whole point of my moving closer to my mother was to be "there"). I just wasn't prepared. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 years before this. And she drives my mother wild with love, hate, at this point I don't even know. Anyway, I feel saner.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome though i am sorry for what brings you here.

The issue is my mother, really, my other sisters totally get it... .It's just that, this time, my sister won't see my mother if I'm there

Can you tell us more about your mom?  Is she blaming you or trying to pressure you into something?  Are you worried about her well being?

I am glad you feel saner.  Posting really does help especially when you are in a place where people get it.  

[Aegina]

My mother is infatuated with my sister. My mother is a (lovable) narcissist and everything is all about her. (We were raised by a housekeeper.) For both my parents, my sister was the purest reflection of their ideal selves, beautiful and socially acceptable in ways they never were. I understand that it's hard to be a mirror. Hence my compassion for my sister, to some extent.

[Aegina]

My sister wants my mother to spend all her money so we can force her to go into a nursing home (my mother's worst nightmare). My sister is angry at me for giving my mother money every month because it stalls the "inevitable."  I think the reason she lashed out at me was over this. My sister and her latest husband are worth millions. But she never graduated from college and never worked.

I can see how disorganized my posts must seem. I alternate between hating her and understanding to a certain extent why she is the way she is. This is probably the founding lament of all relatives of persons living with BPD, but why can't she leave us alone!

[Harri]

Aegina, however you get your story out is just fine.  We talk about highly emotional and difficult things here so no worries.   We get it.   

It sounds like your sister was the favored or golden child?  Where did you come in?  Were you the scapegoat? 

It is good that you can see why your sister came to be who she is but that does not make it any easier to deal with her behaviors.  Also, as an adult she is responsible still.  One of my favorite sayings is:

We are not responsible for how we became who we are but we are 100% responsible for who we are as adults

That is something that has helped me with my own recovery and in understanding that regardless of mental illness, my mother and father were responsible for what they did.

[boatingwoman]

I LOVE when this happens! When swBPD cuts me off, it’s such an incredible, free time. Life gets better, I get happier. Everything improves!

She’ll be back and she will wreck your life again if possible.

I’m at arrest and restraining order time (see long post).  I’m so excited that I may finally be rid of her forever.

Good luck! Don’t get charm-ed! (When they think you are gone, they suck you back in)

(It keeps changing the past tense of the brand name of a vacuum that starts with H to charmed?)

[Harri]

(It keeps changing the past tense of the brand name of a vacuum that starts with H to charmed?)

Hi boatingwoman   

The term you are trying to use implies that we are helpless victims with no control and so the editing software changes the term to charming instead.   

[Aegina]

It's amazing how posting here has helped my anger dissipate. When I try to write about my sister, who is, possibly, a person living with BPD (since she's undiagnosed), I can see myself regressing.

Yes boatingwoman, being cut out of her life (again) is freeing, but in my case if and only if I learn to "individuate from my family of origin." I just now realized how desperately I try to triangulate (as "victim" with my sister as "persecutor") drawing in one or another person from my childhood.

The sad truth is, I can't control what my sister says about me or the fact that I am officially "xed." I still don't understand why I was so deeply triggered and lashed out in such a childish way, except to say that I was neither golden child nor scapegoat but "othered" by my entire family for having a serious mental illness when I was in my twenties. Three major psychotic episodes, one hospitalization. I picked up the pieces – great psychiatrists, greatly helped by medication. But no one wanted anything to do with me then, especially my parents. And thus, all my family's strangeness (violence, emotional incest, alcoholism) was inflected (on me). So in some strange way, my family of origin and I are back to familiar roles: golden child, etc. , and me, designated crazy person.

The second issue to address is the pure rage I feel about not having my feelings (about her, about being "disappeared) validated, or at least validated in ways that I find acceptable.

Not a lot I can do about that either, unfortunately.

One positive thing coming out of all this mess is that I am really learning how to validate other people's feelings when they come to me in distress.

So many many thanks to all of you.  

[zachira]

It warmed my heart to read your comment that the problems with your sister have made you better at validating other people's feelings when they come to you in distress. There can be an upside to having a relative with BPD, though I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Certainly as we become more aware of our own feelings and other people's, we can become better at living a healthier and richer emotional life.

[Aegina]

Thanks zachira, I added an edit because, seemed important to provide a history of my own mental illness. I understand the critiques, but I wouldn't be here without psychiatry.

[zachira]

Often times, the designated crazy person in the family is the sane one. I admire your courage in facing your challenges with mental illness and becoming the kind of person you are today. Often those family members who end up in the psych ward are those who can least tolerate the toxic family dynamics. Can you share with us the ways you are really different from your family members that are personal strengths that have allowed you to become the best person you can be?

[Harri]

being cut out of her life (again) is freeing, but in my case if and only if I learn to "individuate from my family of origin." I just now realized how desperately I try to triangulate (as "victim" with my sister as "persecutor") drawing in one or another person from my childhood.

I agree.  My parents have been dead for years now and I still have them in my head (my mother was my biggest challenge).  I found that death, the only guaranteed no contact, has done very little for me when it comes to healing and detaching.

It sounds like you have done some work on healing/recovery already?  Being able to recognize how we often engage in triangulation is hard but you've don it.  Are you able to stop yourself when you recognize it?  I still have trouble, mostly with not rescuing others but sometimes I can play all three roles.   

I am sorry for what you experienced with your own family when dealing with your mental illness but I am very pleased that you were able to pick up the pieces and continue to work on yourself.  That takes a lot of strength and courage.  Thank you for sharing your experience here.

About validation... .unfortunately most of us won't ever get it from those who hurt us.  It can be hard to accept that but even when we do reach a point of acceptance, it still hurts. 

[Mirsa]

Hi there,

thank you for posting.  I'm a mother with two daughters:  DD18 with BPD and DD16 who is a loving, kind, caring girl.  Reading about your anger reaffirms my decision to let go of the BPD DD18, who recently discarded us to live with her father, after I wouldn't allow her to have a new boyfriend, 21yo in her bedroom.  After she moved out, it was such a relief to myself and DD16.  We are amazed at how peaceful it is here.  And we've had very little contact with DD18 in the past four months... .and while I feel a little guilty about it, I love it!  It has also freed DD16 up to feel... .angry.   For some reason, the emotional and physical distance has allowed a huge upswelling of anger to be released in DD16.  She has 16 years of anger... .at being treated like dirt by the BPD, criticized, pushed/pulled emotionally, etc.  I didn't realize how much it was impacting her.  I've committed to both of us that DD18 will not be allowed back in our home when she tries to return.   

So, your anger makes perfect sense to me.  In fact, it is a part of the grieving process right?  Denial, anger, sadness, acceptance... .I'm missing a step, but maybe you know it.  My younger daughter said, "You know mom, it really stinks that I will never have an older sister who can take me out shopping, support and love me, who I can go dancing with... ."  (because she is just so nasty, critical, and self-involved).  It's sad.  Having to accept who the BPD person really is, means that my younger daughter is grieving the loss of a sibling, in many ways.  Her anger right now is the first manifestation of that process.  I validate her and hope that eventually, she can move to forgiveness.  At some point, she will need to forgive her sister... .for her own sake.   But there is a time for everything, and right now, anger is an appropriate emotion for her. 

We've found that yoga really helps with relieving the anger and tension.  We try to go once/week.  Something about the twisting, breathing, and postures helps us both to release the tension, anger, and anxiety that surround this relationship.   Best wishes with the next steps in your journey.