On vulnerability, crediting ourselves, and forgiveness

[Dotner]

Hello all,

I've been cooped up during a polar vortex for the past few days, so I've had a LOT of time to think about life as well as explore books/podcasts that might connect with me--I have an uBPD mother.  I don't know what this post is... .informational, partly. or just reflection... .

I listened to Orprah's Super Soul podcast with Brene Brown--3 episodes--that resonate a LOT with me and what I read others are going through on the board. It was interesting to hear Brown talk in a conversational way about some of the concepts that we talk about here. This is the last one I listened to--focused on her book Rising Strong. https://podtail.com/en/podcast/oprah-s-supersoul-conversations/brene-brown-rising-strong/

 I mention it because I was somewhat surprised to hear some themes that I think of as specific to BPD Family. The interviews with Brown implies that they are things happening with "people" in general. This was soothing to me... .it made me feel like everyone goes through this sort of thing, but may not be as aware of it... .Or maybe this is just new to me, that there is language and recognition out there of what we feel.

In any case, some things that stuck with me:
-The importance of vulnerability in relationships, and the importance of knowing what you do to avoid it. (Cuz I avoid it a lot these days)

-The process one must go through when upset about something: recognizing the emotion, becoming curious about why you have it (what in your own life is the hook), and making sense of it. This addresses the stories we make up in our heads about what is happening when someone hurts your feelings. Often these are not true though they are true to us. This is something that I have struggled with in my non BPD relationships, and it was so great to hear it articulated so well in the podcast.

-Leaning into the discomfort we feel from situations such as these.  Instead of avoiding (I am very likely to avoid), lean into it and try to figure it out. These are brave things to do, and take brave people! That's us! We are all here because we are leaning into our discomfort and working on figuring things out.

-Forgiving involves losing an idea of what we thought something was... .in other words, grief. I am grieving the loss of the idea of "mom" since coming to terms with the fact that she cannot love me unconditionally. I think since being able to accept this, I have dealt with a lot of anger that I felt when I expected her to love me unconditionally. Now that the anger is dealt with, mostly, perhaps I am able to forgive her for the trauma that she didn't know she was causing me.

Ok, thanks for indulging me.  I hope someone else finds it as validating as I do!

[Harri]

Hi Dotner, thanks for sharing.  I have not had a chance to listen to the link you provided but hopefully will later tonight or tomorrow so I can comment more intelligently!  I was hoping to do it earlier, but time got away from me.

I do recognize what you say about realizing some of this stuff is not specific to bpdfamily at all and that others talk about it too.  I find it very validating and it helps me feel less removed from the rest of the world.  It makes me sad too that there is so much pain and hurt out there. 

Brene Brown is a favorite of mine.  I like the way she presents her work and can make it so relatable. 

I am especially interested in hearing more about this:  "The process one must go through when upset about something: recognizing the emotion, becoming curious about why you have it (what in your own life is the hook), and making sense of it. This addresses the stories we make up in our heads about what is happening when someone hurts your feelings. Often these are not true though they are true to us. This is something that I have struggled with in my non BPD relationships, and it was so great to hear it articulated so well in the podcast."

I will definitely come back to this after I listen to the podcast!  Thank you for giving me an exciting project!

[Dotner]

I'm glad you are interested.  It's a good weekend kind of activity. Thank you for listening--whenever you do, even if it isn't for a while, and for your thoughts!

[Harri]

Okay, I listened and I have to listen again but Wow!  What a great pod cast.  Other than wanting Oprah to shut it a few times, I was enthralled.  I took notes (see below, but they might not make a whole lot of sense... .it helps me remember and I want to keep them some where safe).

We do talk about this stuff here but in different ways.  For example, when she talked about how when we fall our brains are wired to make up a story to fit the limited facts, I was reminded of the Outer Critic that Pete Walker talks about and that so many of us struggle with here without even realizing it sometimes.  I heard some of mindfulness and radical acceptance in there.  How we talk about being responsible for us.  How it is so important to be willing to feel our emotions and really examine them and come to understand them rather than pushing them away.

I am with you in feeling some solace in knowing that other people struggle with this too.  That the stories my brain makes up are not me being crazy and paranoid or a reflection of the damage in me, but rather everyone does this kind of thing! 


Harri's notes:
Rising strong means looking at what you feel when you fall. 

reckoning:  acknowledge there is an emotional reaction and then try to figure out what it is ----> be curious about your emotion and look into it.   Look at your triggers.  Knowing will help you not project your anger, hurt, etc on others or engage in self harming behaviors (eating, punching walls, yelling at others, etc)

The rumble:  our brains make up a story when we fall.  the story we make up may not be accurate.  The rumbel part is when we look at the story we made up and the emotions behind it.  The story is made of limited data points and then we fill in the blanmks with thoughts and fears. 

Confabulation:  lies told honestly.  "she totally blew me off"  "She reamed me out"  Conclusions we came to based on the story our brains came up with.  Falsehoods but true to us.

In the rumble we have to challenge those things by asking 1. what more do i need to learn and understand  about the story 2. what more do I need to learn and understand about the other people in this story and 3. and what more do I need to learn and understand about myself. 

Whats going on:  usually shame, perfectionism, trust are common culprits.

The revolution is when this process (steps 1-3) becomes practice.  This is not something we are born with rather we learn how to do this.

We make up our stories for survival.  We Identify who is good, bad, etc.  Our brains is wired to make sense of things very quickly.  We have to lean into this.  Look at the emotions we have,

 **the story we make up dictates how we act after. **  If we think someone does not like us that will affect how we act with them in the future. 

If we are willing to be uncomfortable we will rise strong. 

In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die.  Grief is deeply embedded in forgiveness. 

[chronsweet]

Sounds like a podcast I want to listen to.

[Harri]

It really is an excellent talk.  Would love to hear your thoughts on it... .and anyone else's too.