BPD Mother in Law Called Adult Protective Services after 8 months no contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

First post here. My wife and I have been dealing with a problem that we had no idea what was going on. We now believe that my Mother in Law has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. At the suggestion of a family member to look into BPD, we finally started to understand what was happening. Knowledge has helped so much. We went no contact with my mother in law 8 months ago. It is nice to be able to think clearly. It has been very crazy even without contact. Trying to survive the onslaught and vicious attacks.   

[Benaiah]

First post here. My wife and I have been dealing with a problem that we had no idea what was going on. We now believe that my Mother in Law has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. At the suggestion of a family member to look into BPD, we finally started to understand what was happening. Knowledge has helped so much. We went no contact with my mother in law 8 months ago. It is nice to be able to think clearly. It has been very crazy even without contact. Trying to survive the onslaught and vicious attacks.   

[Benaiah]

We went no contact with my mother in law 8 months ago. What led to this is that my Father in Law was helping us with the electric at our house, my MIL left work to make sure he wouldn't help us with our electrical work. We received a barrage of long winded texts that we were being too nice to my Father in Law and that my wife was treating my MIL like crap and that it needed to stop. We had just celebrated my Father in Law's birthday. She wouldn't allow anyone to buy him any gifts. The party planning was Chaos to say the least. After these shenanigans, my MIL somehow changed reality to my Father in Law, and my 3 brother in laws that we were the ones that ruined his party and that I am crazy and need an intervention. She tried to enlist the help of her siblings but they all refused. She came over anyways and luckily we recorded her! She was so psychotic she didn't even notice me pointing my phone at her for the hour and a half tirade. After this we went no contact. 8 months later, her entire extended family will not speak with her. She has contacted all of our friends, the pastors at our church, my ex fiancé's family, my CSO's family and called Adult Protective Services on us. And also we have received texts from her phone, brother in laws phone father in laws phone, her best friend that are just pure evil. We didn't know what was going on but now we know its Borderline. Her sisters and brother and her own mother also think this. It is dizzying. We just cannot have her chaos and toxicity in our lives. We just don't have time for it, and its just not good for us. Everyone realizes she has a problem. People have been coming out of the woodwork finally telling us their similar stories of her abuse against them. Somehow, Her own Brothers and Sisters realize she has this problem, her extended family realize something is wrong with her and won't speak to her, her neighbors won't have any contact whatsoever with her, She called her boss's ex husband to talk ___ about her to him and she was fired. Everyone in her life has somehow been through her ringer of chaos and abuse, yet she still blames me for being the problem for all the problems in her life right now. I am not sure what to do about my brother in laws. I don't understand how they can one day be living in reality, and the next, accepting a new false enforced reality. I would like to help them in their lives, but my advice to go to college, get jobs, and not smoke marijuana are met with such contempt by my MIL. SO weird. They refuse to talk to me or my wife now. How can she have such control over reality? Trying to stay no contact. Just can't get her to stop spreading delusional lies about me and my wife. Police can't help because she uses other people to send texts and letters. Adult Protective Services closed our case. At least all of her family is supportive of us. One day at a time, just got to focus on my own goals and aspirations and try to ignore her and live my best life for me and for my wife.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  that is a whole lot to deal with!

I am glad you are getting some support and understanding from members of her family.  It is harder I am sure for her other kids (your BILs).  A lot of times other family members are still caught up in the enmeshment and FOG (fear obligation and guilt) that is often present.  I am not defending them as they are responsible for their behavior but it might help to have an explanation for how things are for them.  I used to feel very frustrated with my father and brother for still believing my mom was okay and that they could not see her behavior for what it was.   It is frustrating and hurtful especially when you are the target. 

Are you aware of the defenses called projection and splitting?  It sounds like that might be going on with her and how she sees you as being the problem and cause of all difficulties.  It is painful to be on the receiving end of this.  Understanding the behavior can help depersonalize it and doing that can give you some peace with the situation.  Not that it won't still hurt or be frustrating, but maybe less so? 

At this point what do you want to do with your BILs?  It is hard to get someone to see how enmeshed they may be and to change how they see their mom.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is to let them figure things out on their own rather than trying to make them see.  I'm not sure you are doing that though, just figured I would mention it here.

Anyway, I am glad you found us.  You have a group of people here who get it and can support you and help you as you navigate your way through no contact (NC).  You are not alone.  We get it here.

I hope you keep posting and reading.  Having a support group  is very important.

[boatingwoman]

On Monday, I will be working on getting a restraining order on my s with BPD. My understanding is that even if she contacts you via other people, that is still breaking the restraining order and she will be picked up and brought to jail.

I have found the sheriff’s office in my city has been very helpful in guiding me through this.  The clerk of court’s office has also been helpful.

[Benaiah]

Thank you for your support. I have not thought about the sheriff's office. I may try that as our city pd seems to have more serious cases to deal with. Ours just seems not that bad compared with drugs, gangs etc... .

For the BIL's. We tried at first to help them to see but it ended up bad. They took my MIL's side word for word. So weird how they say the exact same things like they are brainwashed or something. But they accuse me of trying to brainwash them. So weird. Projection to the max... .

[Harri]

When the rest of the family members don't see things the same way it can be very frustrating and hurtful.  The best way I found to deal with it was to let them be, set boundaries with them as well as my mother and just be open to them approaching me at some time when they did finally come around.

I am not sure what else there is to do.