Do most just walk away and not take responsibility for their actions?
I think that you'll find that you can relate to a lot of people here a lot of us bent our backs backwards and it still wasn't enough to convince a pwBPD that we're not going anywhere because we care and love about them
So I guess once painted black that's it?
No not necessarily. You have noticed how she splits people black and then white it doesn't happen all at once she'll split you white again and some point in the future. I'm sharing from the posts from members that I've read from here over the years some members expwBPD may split them white weeks, months, a year or even more later.
I mean how can you come back from all the trash talking she did about me to anyone who would listen.
You're confused about some of her actions in your first post because of how she can split her mom black then white the same applies here she's not aware of it and it will cause confusion with people but the people that are close to her will continue to have a r/s most likely.
But to be taken out like trash and never spoken to again hurts.
I know its a lot of pain.
I guess part of me wants confirmation that I actually meant something to her.
There are clues, pwBPD will split only the people that they care about most.
I took our vows seriously I meant every word to her on being a committed partner.
You're coming from a point of view that's from a rational mind or a non. She's coming from a point of view that comes from a more primitive part of the brain that regulates fear and aggression - her mind is wired differently.
Do they feel the need to feel validated by going back to being friends years later with exes?
She didn't completely close door on you she has filed for divorce she may come back sooner rather than later but if she finds herself in a new r/s she'll create exit strategies meaning that she is motivate by the fear of abandonment and can't be alone so if the primary r/s fails then she has another r/s to fall back on. BPD is an attachment disorder, you mentioned that you can grieve a r/s detach from it and move on where a pwBPD don't completely detach themselves. That being said once that a new r/s hits rough waters she may idealize you again or hint at becoming friends or try to re-establish a r/s or recycle the r/s.
I guess what I mean is that a break-up from someone that you're with is not necessarily the big one that is the final break-up sometimes there are a lot of break-ups that lead up to the final one. A lot of us recycle the r/s my ex and I seperated several times until finally I triggered her fear of abandonment and she started creating an exit strategy and started an affair with another man while she was married to me. After about a year after they met she was ready to leave, I'm guessing that he convinced her that he wasn't going to leave her if she was going to leave her husband but she kept at arms length while she was still with him. It was a painful experience but several months later while she still married to me and living with him she want to be friends. She even had a baby with him she was still married with me.
So it might be something to explore if you're done with the r/s or not, this is the detaching board where we have a post mortem for the r/s and detach and support each or we have the bettering board if you're not done or we have the undecided board if you're not sure which way you're going to go. Nobody is going to tell you what to choose we're here to listen and help each other.
