Feeling contempt for uBPD H

[AskingWhy]

Something was said in another thread by Gagrl, and I have posted it here:

My first therapist once said that he can see a marriage will fail when one spouse develops contempt for the other. This makes me wonder, because so much of the BPD behavior appears to me to be contemptuous... .hey the other spouse or partner is holding the relationship together.

But if the non-BPD partner develops contempt, that could signal the end.

I think I am at the point where I feel contempt for my uBPD H.  Everything (yes, almost everything) about him annoys me.  I spend my days holding down the lid on a huge amount of anger.  All of the years where he put his children ahead of me in the marriage (and still does as adults), the countless times when he threatened divorce, upended furniture, broke objects (including my property) and punched holes in the walls--have finally taken their toll on the marriage.  I don't know if I am facing straws that are going to break the camel's back.

When H wants something like a chore or a favour, he wants it now.  No waiting.  

I feel I am falling out of love with my H.  He spends thousands of dollars on his family from paying for medical bills for his impoverished parents (his F is likely uNPD or uBPD), or paying for half of a new car for one of his children's high school graduation gifts--all while get trinkets.  In my heart, I wanted a nice sparkler ring for our twentieth anniversary.  It would have meant so much.  H is a professional at the top of his field and makes a good income.  The sparkler would have been pocket change and as much as he spend on his child's car.  What did I get for my twentieth anniversary?  A gold band with a row of tiny (I mean very tiny) diamonds on it. Oh, it was a designer piece but a mere trinket all the same.  He was also spending a ton of money for one of his D's wedding, so that was my anniversary gift--my SD's wedding.  Where did H cut corners?  On my twentieth wedding anniversary gift.  The wedding was a huge affair with over 100 guests and limos for the bridal party, and take-home meals and favors for all the guests, a sit down reception dinner, and afterward a meal with servers carrying desserts and canapes.  

At the wedding reception, I noticed H's uNPD X W with her fourth H, and you should have seen the rock on her finger.  I was seething with resentment.

This resentment is what is described as righteous anger. This is not anger coming out of nowhere.  I am sick and tired of being the very, very last priority on H's list.  Now that there are grandchildren, I rate behind him and his SIL.  All of his children appear to be in a BPD or NPD spectrum.

My T says it's now about the jewellery.  It's about the symbolism.  Again, H makes enough money to give me something that would make my heart skip a beat, but he's too cheap.  Although he is not conscious of this decision, it's clear I don't rate enough to get a twenty year memento of meaning and value.  

This said, I am at the contempt stage of the marriage.  With the years of mistreatment, and condoning his children's mistreatment of me while they lived with us after high school and attended college (one by one, uNPD X W kicked them out of her house when CS stopped), I find I no longer respect my H and I am starting to wonder if I no longer love him as a husband.

H announced next month that he and his guy pals are planning a hunting weekend trip.  I would prefer we go someplace for the weekend for a mini holiday.   I really don't care at this point.  I am still disappointed, but not surprised.  The love bombing ended years ago, and it's clear I really don't count for much in H's life.

Intimacy is a chore.  With my arms embracing him, I look at my watch over his shoulder and wait for it all to be over.  I try not to appear attractive so as not to invite his attention.

Every day longer that I stay with him means that more joint assets are mine as he makes vastly more money than me.  I am not pushing to leave him.  It's the price I know I pay.  

In the meantime, I am waiting for the next cataclysm of his adult children like winding up in rehab again, getting fired from yet another job, another car accident, or another suicide attempt.  

I know I am venting, but it am really at the end of my rope.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like there's nothing satisfying about your marriage and that you're just going through the motions, waiting for the next shoe to drop when your husband's children need to be bailed out of another self-imposed crisis.

I know that you've mentioned that you have a disability and that staying longer in this marriage would net you more assets should you divorce in the future.

Having seen the repeated incongruity of your husband lavishing gifts and money upon his children, while offering you meager presents for significant milestones, how can you find peace and acceptance with the fact that you know he is a cheapskate as far as giving you presents? (And I imagine that is your Love Language--so that must be doubly hard!)

I understand that feeling resentment is really unpleasant, but that's how you feel right now. Perhaps you can just accept that you feel that way, knowing that at some point you will feel differently.

I've found that when I beat myself up for having "bad feelings" such as anger, resentment, scorn--then not only do I feel those "bad feelings" but I also feel bad for feeling them. What I've found helpful is knowing that those feelings will pass.

Now that's not saying that the situation will change or improve, but I've learned to ask myself, "How do you feel about feeling this way?" And if I can answer that my feelings make sense for me and it's exactly what I think I should feel, then my next question to myself involves action: "What are you going to do about it?"

[zachira]

John Gottman is known for his research on how marriages fail or succeed, and this is likely where your therapist gets the information on the role of contempt in a relationship. Gottman talks a great deal about how contempt affects a marriage. He has written many articles and books. I personally like his book: "What Makes Love Last?" and he discusses contempt here as he does in his other books and articles.

[AskingWhy]

Cat and Zachira, thank you for the comments.

I am trying to really compartmentalize the hurt, disappointment and resentment I am currently facing.

Just as I cannot change my H, one cannot ask the anaconda not to strangle its prey nor expect a monkey not to want to swing from trees.  It simply is not in his nature. 

Zachira, thank you for the book recommendation. 

[Cat Familiar]

So you are at a stage of acceptance, AskingWhy. It's hard to fully accept some of what you're dealing with, but it's healthy to realize what is reality and what is wishful thinking. And when we accept reality, we no longer go through cycles of hope and disappointment.

What nice things can you do for yourself today?

[Lucky Jim]

I am trying to really compartmentalize the hurt, disappointment and resentment I am currently facing.

Hey AW,  Why are you attempting to compartmentalize your emotions?  I spent a lot of time in my marriage ignoring and submerging my feelings of resentment towards my BPDxW, yet now I view it as a form of pretending in order to cope with an abusive situation.  I have been in your shoes, believe me!  These days I strive for authenticity.  Be yourself!

LJ

[AskingWhy]

Cat and LJ, I want to thank you for your support.

Cat, I am taking good care of myself.  Prayer, hobbies and doing things that don't involve my H are helping me.  It's like I am emotionally divorcing him.  If he shouts divorce threats, I does not hurt me because I am already divorced.

LJ, you are right about pushing down emotions about abuse.  I was responding to another thread on righteous anger, and that is where I am now.  I am at the point where I really don't care if my H went and had me served for divorce.  I am already there emotionally.  I don't really care about him (as a wife, that is), his family and adult children.  They are all like strangers to me. 

[ortac77]

Whilst my situation is very different as I am the breadwinner I think I can get what you are feeling and it is I believe acceptance as the prelude to action.

For years I have supported my pwBPD, practically, emotionally and financially. 

However these past few months I have come to realise that I mean nothing to him other than somebody who he feels able to abuse. He is trying to rewrite his family history by blaming me, I realised at last that I am the 'father' he blames for his situation, but because his father died some years ago I am the target of his anger and hatred.

I definitely now feel resentful, when I open my eyes I can see he has never done anything to help me, anything nice for me and I feel anger at him but primarily at myself for allowing this to happen.

Contempt yes, that's the word and whilst its not a nice feeling I need to sit with it and recognise it is real.

[AskingWhy]

ortac77, I know how you feel.

My partner splits me black against his children, who are always white.  All of them are in the BPD or NPD spectrum and treat him horribly, but he drops literally everything when they call, usually to ask for money.  His S is a drug addict and often homeless, and only calls when he needs money for rehab (and usually relapses), and his Ds, who also use him for money.

I am very far down on his list of priorities.  It has taken some time for me to put the puzzle pieces together to see the BPD in my H.  Like you, I also feel anger for my role in staying with my H.  My H also projects his rage at me for his FOO, his uNPD F, and his uNPD X W who cheated on him, divorced him and took the children.  The latter used the CS support money on herself and her new H.

Just yesterday H dysregulated on me, complaining about housekeeping.  I have a disability that makes it hard for me to be mobile, and here H is raging about the housekeeping.  This is the lack of empathy, and the NPD part of BPD.  I am getting tired of JADEing, so I simply laughed while H raged, and even encouraged him to make the divorce threats.  I am already ready to part ways, anyhow.  I have found an attorney and know my rights.

[ortac77]

Yes they love making threats, I haven't laughed at them.I for the first time called his bluff. Dangerous path of course to give him what he has been giving me. Its not advisable and probably was unwise but I snapped and told him exactly how I feel, angry, abused and frankly that I no longer wanted anything to do with him and that he will get nothing from me anymore.


I stopped JADEing a while ago, it took time to realise that there is no Justification apart from wanting my life, Arguing is pointless as it just goes round and round is exhausting and goes nowhere, and any explanation becomes twisted and distorted when played back days later. But he loves to harass and goad, usually when I am tired or at my lowest ebb, even when I agree to discuss things it turns into a 'poor me' look at what you/others are doing to me - never taking any responsibility.

I no longer want Black/White, I have tried to make things work but am giving up, on him, not on me.


I have tried just about everything over the years but I accept that I am his trigger, this is why it can never work. I also know in saying that any 'I" would be his trigger. Its the inability to see anyone else when they are in so much pain and empty at the core. Sure its tragic and it must be awful to feel that way however I realise that I have been severely damaged by this and am no longer the authentic me.

I should not have let it get to this point and can see that denial has played its part - I'm OK, I'm fine - I can cope but I now see that I cannot and should not.

I have never felt the contempt and anger that I feel today, its like the veil has finally been drawn back - I knew his behaviours were abusive but kept excusing them due to the illness, accepting the 'sorry' and hoping things would improve but I have to accept that they cannot and I will not be damaged any more - I have a lot of healing to do, that I acknowledge - the contempt I feel at the moment is damaging to me.

I openly admit I have failed at this, I gave it my all and tried really hard for years but I cannot deal with this horrible situation any longer



 

[Cat Familiar]

Hi ortac,
Yes, our pwBPD are quite skilled at pushing our buttons and they can even discover buttons we didn't know we had! Frustrations mount and we can easily lose it, after trying so hard for so long. You understand this and do forgive yourself for saying things you wouldn't have said in typical times.

You deserve a break, so time away sounds like a good plan. You need to recharge your batteries and alone time will give you space to get a better overview of your relationship.

Have a nice stress-free weekend.

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy, you haven't been posting lately. How are things going? It would be great to get an update.