Codependency and BPD...is a little required to have a relationship?

[Sandb2015]

Codependency and BPD.

I have probably been codependent in some relationships, only one took total advantage and it came to a breaking point that I put my foot down.  Imagine your child's mother with a 3mo child just taking off using the child as a pawn to get you to marry her and not letting me see my child or make some deal.  About a  month she's begging to come home, I said, "no, I'm not comfortable with you coming home", that was tough, so damned tough and things got out of hand in the custody battle.  Still, I knew I made the right choice, I was manipulated from the beginning by a woman with an agenda, hindsight s u c k s, but I'm grateful it exists.  That part of my life is closed.

My question, as I've written my story in several areas across this website, am I wrong to think that as caregiver, we almost need a little codependency?

I'm learning many things and reflection upon my situation, my relationship. I speak out loud during my long comutes, I ask my self questions, I bring fears to the surface, I ask myself about my childhood and where anger and fear come from, what am I angry about, why am I afraid.  Many of those questions soothe anxiety for me and get me reaching for the next ladder rung.

If I am codependent, if I have some codependent characteristics, how does detachment work in a relationship with undiagnosed pwBPD ?

I know this relationship has made me temporarily codependent (I think that's the byproduct of a relationship with pwBPD), brought out things dormant that I never knew (obviously) and is making me confront all of them.

The healthy pulling away while wanting to have a relationship is giving me this black/white type feeling that makes me question the grey.  Is that trust in myself I'm questioning, Is it my self confidence attached to rigidity?

Dealing with myself may or may not effect whether or not I can have a life with my love, her window must be opened long enough to want to have one, I have a plan, I don't know if she'll come around, got a 6.5/10 popping up this morning from her reaction and I'm not giving up, I know it's the potential, not really much codependency.

What the heck am I talking about?

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[itsmeSnap]

codependency

Imagine codependency being the ugly cousin of caregiving, same as alcoholism being the ugly cousin of responsible alcohol consumption.

If it's affecting your life, then its a problem.

Care responsibly sandb 

Is that trust in myself I'm questioning, Is it my self confidence attached to rigidity?

"Rigidity" as you call it I see as structure. structure is reliable, it is safe, we feel in control when we know and understand the structure. Attaching your confidence to that structure can make being away from it or having it torn down/challenged like what happens with a pwBPD, feel like your confidence is being destroyed along with it.

So I guess attach that confidence to your structure building abilities and not to the structure itself. If it gets torn down, you can then feel empowered to rebuild it once more without issue. makes sense?

how does detachment work in a relationship with undiagnosed pwBPD ?

Have you visited the detachment board? (link to the lessons thread on detaching)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37613.0

I know it says "detaching from a failed relationship", but I imagine the lessons work just as well to be able to form a "healthy distance" from intense relationships like BPD's. what do you think?

[Sandb2015]

Thanks itsmeSnap,

I'm analyzing my own codependency in general, how, why, what has happened this particular instance? I was drawn in so deeply to the chaos and that hurt instead of helping this relationship. I wish I found this site earlier, it's not too late, just wish I did. I have made sense of the others and this one was the one that opened up very well healed scars.  I am painfully pinpointing what the original wounds are and confronting them and diving into that pain to see the chain of events in my life.

There is some website that speaks so horribly of BPD and the people that have it and the stories are horrible and basically the message is run like hell, your life will be destroyed... .I found that a little over 6 months ago and was horrified, I shut the whole BPD thing down.  She did see a counselor that had no clue and said there's nothing wrong with her and after 2 visits, left for 8 weeks.  That might be a real speed bump when I get the opportunity to sit and have a real talk with my love.  Plan is therapy, I'll find the one that specializes in BPD and start together.


-I've read and posted all over.  Absorbing as much and learning from others is why I'm here. 

I am doing what I can for myself, I am learning what I can do for the relationship because I believe we haven't given up, I haven't.

I have visited every inch of this board and so far as detachment goes, I associate that with my codependency.  I will feel less inclined to get drawn in below the surface as she dysregulates, I've tested it out and it does work, her push is stronger than her pull right now.

My point is a caretaker assumes a role with consequences, one may be some slight codependency? Wrong?

Rigidity in the sense of logic, reasoning with little or no ego attached.  This is my sense of right and wrong.  In the world, not necessarily in my current relationship.  

[itsmeSnap]

Rigidity in the sense of logic, reasoning with little or no ego attached.  This is my sense of right and wrong.

So its more about how you see the world instead of how you interact with it.

I am doing what I can for myself, I am learning what I can do for the relationship because I believe we haven't given up, I haven't.

I know the feeling. Keep at it, we as a community can figure out stuff we can't on our own. Good to know you're working with others on the other boards as well! (I mostly roam around on 'bettering' and 'learning')

My point is a caretaker assumes a role with consequences, one may be some slight codependency? Wrong?

I'm not sure about this, its perhaps a matter of perspective. Is a person who drinks occasionally with friends "a bit alcoholic"? maybe, maybe not, depends on where you draw the line: how many drinks is too many? when does too much caretaking start to become "enabling"?