How to address BPD mothers demands

[Ballet1]

I have a mother with undiagnosed BPD. She tries to co trol and manipulate my life and gets extremely jealous of my relationship with my in laws and friends. I have little children who she originally would help babysit for me to work a couple days of the week, that turned into her agreeing to do 1x a week out of spite after a recent fight, and has lately been more like 1-2x a month. She blames things like “bad weather, rain, appts” even though she commits to me. She thinks I should work less so it is a passive aggressive attemptto get her way even when she will commit to babysit for me. Today is the superbowl game and tomorrow I am scheduled to work. She called me up this morning to say the weather will be icy tomorrow morning so could she stay at my house tonight. My answer was that she can stay but I asked her to babysit tonight too so I can go to my friends superbowl party. Her answer is that she will only come if I agree to sit with her. The weather stations are not even predicting ice tomorrow morning but she claims they are. I gave her the option to come later after the “ice” tomorrow but explained that I do not want to call out of work. She will not give me an answer now and is being spiteful of the fact that I want to go to my friends superbowl party over sitting at my house with her even though I explained that as long as I coukd get a sitter I was really hoping to get to my friends party. Now she is dangling that she may not babysit for me tomorrow in front of me. How do I proceed?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  This is a tricky situation for sure especially because she keeps upping the ante.

How would you feel about not having her baby sit the kids at all?  I would not like the last minute part of the cancellations, especially if it caused me to call in to work.  How do you manage when she does cancel at the last minute?

About tonight, I am not sure.  If it were me, I would just say 'no thank you' and leave it at that with her.  If there is someone else you could get to watch the kids, great, otherwise, I would stay home.

What do you think?

[Ballet1]

Thank u for your response!

As far as not having her watch the kids I am OK with that but I want her to know that I will not make consessions to bring the kids to her whenever she wishes as she expects if she cant even help me when in need for work.  Do you think this is an appropriate response on my part?

As far as tonight is concerned I have no problem staying home but I just want an answer from her if she will babysit or not and I feel like she is able to but refuses to because she wants me to spend my time with her and not with others which comes off to me as controlling and spiteful. Do I address this with her or just understands it how she is and who she is?

[Harri]

Do I address this with her or just understands it how she is and who she is?

  I would go with the last part:  not bother to address it with her.  Chances are she will not hear or understand you and it will simply lead to conflict. 

OK with that but I want her to know that I will not make consessions to bring the kids to her whenever she wishes as she expects if she cant even help me when in need for work.  Do you think this is an appropriate response on my part?

I think any response that is based on your personal values is appropriate.  If you have time and you want her to have time with your kids, go with them and visit.  If not, then don't.  Taking action, or not, from a place of resentment, is not, I think, healthy.   Even if it is to get her to see something or teach a lesson, I don't think she will get it.  It is how the disorder works.

Feeling anger or frustration, resentment, wanting to give back what you get are all perfectly normal reactions to have.  It is okay to feel that way.  The problem comes in when we act on these feelings.  It happens though and then we regroup.  I don't know if that applies to you so if it does not, please disregard.

Does that make sense?

[Ballet1]

So I know you said that the disorder does not work in a way to in other words “teach a lesson” and that was basically my mindset; like if she cannot help me when I am in need then I will show her that I am not going to make an effort on my end either. If this does not work with someone with this disorder then what does? What can I do to show her that I do not appreciate her unwillingness to help me out and get my point across that since she has constantly made my life difficult I am not going to continue to bend over backwards for all of her demands?

For example- her 40th anniversary to my father is coming up this summer and she thinks my sister and myself and our families should all plan a trip with her or my sister and I should plan a party for her. Neither of us have the finances to throw a party for her and the trip would also be tough but she is demanding of it. I feel like its her anniversary so she should just celebrate with him and not expect us to throw a party but it will become an issue even though anytime I ask for help in any way she can only help when it works for her or is conveinent for her and will back out at any given time if things dont go 100% her way.

[Harri]

What can I do to show her that I do not appreciate her unwillingness to help me out and get my point across that since she has constantly made my life difficult I am not going to continue to bend over backwards for all of her demands?

That is a good question and one we talk about a lot here.  People have different opinions on how to address this.  My own preference was to 1.  work on acceptance of the fact that my mother had limitations and would never be able to give me what I wanted or needed. 

2.Learning about the behaviors associated with the disorder so I could depersonalize them and that allowed me to respond rather than react to situations like these.  When I reacted, I made things worse, confirmed in her mind that I was selfish, uncaring and mean.  So I just fed her false beliefs about me and I was angry and hurt by that *plus* I had to then deal with the anger I felt towards myself for responding in ways that were against my values and who I wanted to be.

all of this is a process and it is different for everyone.  I first had to hear myself learn that it was okay to say no and that I was allowed a voice of my own.  I went from there to anger... .lots of it.  Not a good time for me.  Then i was able to do the above. 

... .but it will become an issue even though anytime I ask for help in any way she can only help when it works for her or is conveinent for her and will back out at any given time if things dont go 100% her way.

Let her react however she reacts.  She will be upset.  She will yell and rage and dysregulate.  Let her.   Stop walking on eggshells with her.  I am not saying to feed her anger but telling her "Mom I can not afford to finance a party or a trip for your anniversary" is not cruel or selfish.  It is reality. 

What do you think her reaction would be?  Lets talk this through.

[yamada]

I mad the decision not to rely on my parents. And it was a relief.

[chronsweet]

I have experienced needing my mom to watch my son many times.  It was almost always so I could get to work.

I really learned to just stop needing her to watch him for me.  When she wanted to watch him, it was a bonus.  I would take advantage of it.  She always cared for him well when he was with her and I trusted her to keep him safe.  So, it was a worry free night for me. 

In a way, the ways I worry about my son being kept safe now are more from a mental standpoint.  Is it safe for my son to be exposed to someone so erratic and emotionally damaging?  I am working on answering that question from a no contact perspective at the current moment in time.