I told partner I think they have BPD

[radoe]

I told my partner I think they have BPD.

After honest and open discussion and reading my partner deteriorated.

There is a lot of self deprecating going on.
Is self hate normal?

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[Harri]

Hi.

I think self hate can be common.  A feeling of shame is central to the disorder.  There is also a lot of stigma associated with the disorder which makes acceptance difficult. 

What prompted you to share your suspicions with your partner?  Were they initially open to the discussion?

[Luan]

Commenting so I can follow this thread.

I wanted to do this with my ex partner, but everything I've read advises against, as you would know. My ex has seen a psychiatrist before we were together, and has been given a diagnosis of mild aspergers. She so has BPD.

I thought about saying to her that I think her diagnosis may be wayward, but I'm so very hesitant to do this.

All the best with the response.

[radoe]

Well the psychologist did advise against it.

I had a copy like new copy of I hate your ready for her.
She finished the book last night, convinced it is her.

About 6 pages of self deprecating and outward anger, were sent to me.
Marriage counseling was canceled, (permanently?) along with any desire to ever see any therapist.

I had to pick the boys up from school and take one to a doctor this morning due to anxiety attacks, and insomnia.

This morning there was intimacy, and she said she felt really good for about a half hour.
Then back down.

She texted the question do I really want to be on this ride with her,
To which I relied "YES "

I see my psychologist tomorrow night, and gave him the heads up.

The wind is blowing, let see where our ship the family goes?

[Harri]

So it sounds like she is receptive and then gets overwhelmed, do I have that right?

Maybe consider holding off with more talk about BPD for a bit, certainly until after you talk with your T?  It is hard to wrap your head around a disorder like BPD and the fact that the person you love thinks you may have it. 

I am concerned that more talk with her may push her away from seeking help on her own.  What do you think?

[radoe]

The person I love thinks they have it.

They realized after reading "I hate you don't leave me" that the book describes their life.

My partner is struggling with this and continues to refuse help.
I am receiving text that I'm up followed by texts that I down again. 

Since initially bringing it up my BPD has been steering the conversation. 

It has only been 3 days, I do not know what will happen.
I do not know if I made the right choice.
I see my therapist tomorrow.

[radoe]

Day 5

She agreed to see here therapist again tonight.

This is after about 6 weeks after cancelling all professional help

we talked last night and this morning.

his seems like a good sign.

[once removed]

the reason its recommended not to tell a loved one that you think they have BPD is not because no one would ever be receptive to it (although plenty would not be). ive read a number of stories here where the BPD loved one said "yeah, wow, that does sound like me".

part of the problem with telling a loved one this is all that it implies: things like "you are defective" or "things would be right in our relationship if it werent for you and your problems".

couple that with the huge stigma around BPD. if my loved one told me i had BPD, and i read what the internet has to say about it, id wonder why they wanted to be with me. i might even conclude that they wanted to be with me for the wrong reasons (some of that distrust is already inherent to BPD).

Since initially bringing it up my BPD has been steering the conversation.

It has only been 3 days, I do not know what will happen.

whats done is done, and its good that your loved one was initially open to it. it sounds like you are dealing with some of the fallout now. what matters is what to do going forward.

I am receiving text that I'm up followed by texts that I down again.  

whats she saying?

[radoe]

Day 6

She went to Dr last night had great session.
She will go once a week.
She said it explains a lot of the decisions and pain she experienced in her life.

She does realize she gets pleasure from making me suffer, but she want to change that behavior.

Life is going incredibly well considering what has happened.

[Harri]

That is really good news!  Glad to hear it.

Keep us posted.   

[radoe]

Day 8

Going well, the MS, and other diseases are taking their toll.
We had date night Saturday
We went to church Sunday.
We talked.
I am working on character, trait, habit improvements.
We worked as a team to split work.
She is doing homework.
She has written down 4 different compartmentalized versions of myself.
It is part of the black and white thinking.

As of yesterday, she will go back to marriage counseling with me.
This is good since it has almost been 2 months.

[wendydarling]

Hi rodeo

Popping by from the son/daughter board to say hello and support you redeo the subject line of your thread caught my eye, as I'm sure others.

She has written down 4 different compartmentalized versions of myself.

She's exploring, sharing, how did that make you feel? Did she explain her writing and how it feels for her, how did you respond?

I'm sure it's up one day and different the next. I've watched out for the golden nuggets, however small they are. 

WDx

[radoe]

Day 10
So far so good.
The compartmentalized versions of me are completely separate, and only one can exist at a time.
I am either all loving, romantic, sloppy, cheap, angry, caring.
This gives me insight to her mind and how I present myself to the world.

a big recent error is spittle in my bathroom sink after brushing my teeth.
I am making sincere effort to  eliminate this shot coming, and communicated this.
It seems to have been accepted as my efforts are sincere, for the right reasons and visible.

We are still on going to marriage counseling for the first time in about 6 weeks.

There are plans to exchange cards for valentines, birthdays, and anniversaries in the near future.
She still does not want the wedding ring back, but everything else seems to be going well.

Researching and improving my bedroom skillset has also helped.
being able to identify my short comings and weaknesses, and how I am working to improve them helps.
Being able to talk about all this really helps 
8 good days in a row seem like a long time.

[radoe]

Day 11
Started not so good, disappointed and arguing with everyone.
We left she was crying

Better later after taking a pill

We will see what happens when I get home as tomorrow is valentines day.

[radoe]

Day 13
She is taking her meds.
Meds help (clonazepam helps a lot reduce stress and anxiety)

Marriage counseling going well, she is not really sure what love is.

Her private counseling seems to be going well.

No recent arguing with the boys. 
It is like 11 good days in a row,
I am nervous as it has not been this good for this long in many months.

[Harri]

I am nervous as it has not been this good for this long in many months.

   I think this is a natural response given how things have been.  Chances are there will be a slip here and there.  Expect it.  It is part of the process and does not mean all progress was lost.  Just stay steady and keep using the tools and working on your own stuff.   

[radoe]

Day 15
I made a mistake and told her some on the stuff I wrestling with between the conscious and subconscious mind, and a unfavorable observation.

How she is hurt and angry.
I told her to stop because she is hurting herself the children and me.
I told her I would pray for all of us.
I told her I would work on me

Well it is like no progress ever happened.
She stayed up late and work up early.
She will never forgive me for being in denial for 20 years.

(I do not know what I am in denial about)

[radoe]

Day 16

It is rough, I hung out and listened last night.

She is terrified and is mean because it is soothing somehow.

Communication seem difficult.  No problems communicating at work so I suspect the BPD.
Today is my birthday, and nothing was planed because I communicated badly.

She did make the most beautiful card you have ever seen, super sweet and sentimental.
I brought tears.

Tonight is dinner out with her mom and dad that are on my side.
I have 6 pages of old person jokes to tell as I am 60.
It should be entertaining

:-)

[Harri]

Happy Birthday radoe.   

She is terrified and is mean because it is soothing somehow.

It does feel good to unleash all the upset and rage and hurt.  Unfortunately she is directing it at other people.  Letting it out is like a pressure release.

I hope your dinner is very enjoyable for you and your parents!

[wendydarling]

Happy Birthday radoe,

She did make the most beautiful card you have ever seen, super sweet and sentimental.I brought tears.

.

She loves and cares for you, despite her personal struggles? Yes?

WDx

[radoe]

Day 17

Dinner was great.
Every one laughed, even my 9 year old.
She laughed like I had not seen in years.
Her mom told me it was good to see that again.

This morning she was really depressed. no response to the morning clitoral stimulation that she really likes.
She vocalized how she wants to die, how she is too screwed up to make the marriage work, how I don't get it.
She said dinner was merely and mixture of prescription drugs.

I texted her phycologist to give him notice before her session tomorrow.
(we share the same one)

I read that article  facing the facts.
before you can make things better you have to stop making them worse.

So it is my responsibility to provide a kind and loving environment for her to heal in.

[radoe]

Day 19

Ah yes the roller coaster is going down.
she is very depressed.

She complains about nobody caring.
she says she realized it does not matter who she is with she just needs anybody to hold her.
She tells me she does not hate me.
I remind her she has told me many things including that she loves me and that she hates me.
I tell her it will be ok.
She says it will be ok when I die.


The boys are getting depressed, the 15 year old has not responded to his new depression medication.

[Red5]

I read that article  facing the facts.

before you can make things better you have to stop making them worse.

So it is my responsibility to provide a kind and loving environment for her to heal in.

Good Morning radoe,

I did not do this… by the time I came across BPD, I was so damaged, and beat up, that I was very angry, and I harbored a lot of contempt… (the four horsemen)… I "removed" myself from the marriage, I became emotionally unavailable to her, about three years ago… I gave up… we separated on December the 1st…

…"before you can make things better you have to stop making them worse... "

I kept my foot on the gas, throttles set, take off trim… and I became her "caretaker"… "yes dear"… "whatever dear"… "what's the matter now dear"… "I really don't care dear"… "I'm sorry and I apologize dear, for whatever it was I did dear"… I became apathetic, and shut down around her… I actually hoped she would leave… then that morning she went after my Son… that was it…

I continued to make things worse… I had "contempt"… not compassion.

She is stage iv rcc, she was diagnosed in the summer of 16… she does not have a lot of time left… and I blew it, I absolutely blew it.

Looking back, and knowing feeling what I do now… I wish I'd read/practiced that line you wrote…

…"it is my responsibility to provide a kind and loving environment for her to heal in."


It is (was) my responsibility… and I failed her.

I still want her to come back home… I still believe I can "fix" things…

I am glad you and your wife are still together, I wish I still had that, but I let her go.

Red5

[radoe]

Hi red5

It is tough, today she sent me a text she has been crying all day.
Not to mention the BPD she has fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue, Multiple sclerosis, major depression, general anziety disorder.  My oldest son has major depression and has anziety attacks, my little guy has ADHD and aspergers spectrum disorder.

Life is tough
Life is not fair
Life does deal more than some can handle.

What helped me was when I was a little boy my mommy was really sick, I was around 10.
the doctor to me and my dad she would probably be dead my morning.

I prayed all night long for a miracle and it happened.
My mommy lived another 25 years
sure she was frequently sick and in the hospital but she was alive.

The reason I share that in the midst of all this dark terror and destruction is a flower a miracle that refuses to die now.

[Red5]

The reason I share that in the midst of all this dark terror and destruction is a flower a miracle that refuses to die now.

I got this old book marker on my cork board at my desk at work... .it’s got a painting of Jesus on it and the scripture from Matthew 19:26... .“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Good Stuff!

Red5

[radoe]

Day 25

Our relationship is stronger.

We did 3 major holidays, valentines, birthday, and 21 year wedding anniversary.
Mostly light.
We had a lot of fun, laughs and intimacy.
We went to church 4 weeks in a row.
That is the most we have gone in the last 10 years easy, maybe longer.

You hang in there Red5
there is only one guarantee
something will change :-)

So far I think it was a good thing to tell my wife I think she has BPD.
She goes to therapy again Thursday.

[radoe]

Day 26

I am getting good at ignoring the setup questions.

when I am asked if I heard the question.
I reply yes.
However I do not have a good answer.
The answer can be taken out of context.

I heard you and understand, though.
Some how that is working for the last few days.

[radoe]

Day 27

I blew it last night and told the truth.
Not so bad but there was disappointment in my voice tone and it all went south.

She slept on the couch, and is still angry.

I takes a while,
She was especially vulnerable after telling the marriage counselor what a good man and husband I am.

I keep praying and handing it off.
Valarian root and melatonin helped a little bit.

[wendydarling]

What truth did you tell?

[radoe]

Day 32  Hi Wendy

The truth I told was that she wanted to wait for the last minute to get a drivers license.

The consequence was a lot of work gathering documents, and the homestead exemption was also due the next day.

we had a nice date Saturday night.

It is still south,
she want to surprise be Sunday, I am in trouble because I was concerned about other issues that effect our family.

I am doing nothing right.
I need to regroup and restudy my book.