Update/Thinking of you all

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I stop by the boards now and then for encouragement and to see how everyone is doing.  My heart hurts for the suffering you and the children must endure!  It takes time, but things do get better!

I am almost 3 years out. My life is better than I ever imagined! I went from leaving with no job and nothing to a job I love, owning a beautiful home, and surrounded by supportive friends and family.

Yet my children (4,10,11) still suffer.  Things are better for them too, but they dread their time with uBPDx.  They cry and are depressed on days they have to go to him.  When I picked them up recently my 4 year old said it was 'rough' being with daddy and 'happy' at my home. She stays attached to me for a day or two after they return. All I can do is be their oasis and try to teach them skills to cope. I hope they will be mentally strong and aware when it is all over.

He is suing me for custody, again. I am not afraid this time. I was able to hire a great attorney. This was his response to me reporting him to CPS for bruising the children and getting a child protection order until he calmed down.  Unfortunately my state allows a parent to beat and bruise their children so nothing was done. I went to the police, but the prosecutor said he couldn't get a conviction so charges were not filed. UBPD doesn't know I went to the police and have pictures, reports, etc. The good news is that he is on his best behavior trying to prove what a great parent he is.

We have 50/50 custody now. He claims since I withheld visitation (had a child order of protection) that he should get full custody and me every other weekend, pay child support, ad nausem.  I hope the court will see the truth this time. I spoke with the children's lawyer from our previous case, off the record, and he apologized and said he hadn't accepted how bad uBPD was. There is not a new Guardian appointed yet.

I responded by asking for counseling for the children (he refuses to allow it now and I can't take them without his agreement), family/coparenting counseling, no corporal punishment, and a few other things the Guardian had recommended in our last case, but somehow didn't make it to the final decree.  I am hoping I seem like the reasonable parent!

I have learned so much from all of your stories and advice, thank you!  And I am open and appreciative of any knowledge or experience you may have on my current situation. I am optomistically cautious!

[LilMe]

I stop by the boards now and then for encouragement and to see how everyone is doing.  My heart hurts for the suffering you and the children must endure!  It takes time, but things do get better!

I am almost 3 years out. My life is better than I ever imagined! I went from leaving with no job and nothing to a job I love, owning a beautiful home, and surrounded by supportive friends and family.

Yet my children (4,10,11) still suffer.  Things are better for them too, but they dread their time with uBPDx.  They cry and are depressed on days they have to go to him.  When I picked them up recently my 4 year old said it was 'rough' being with daddy and 'happy' at my home. She stays attached to me for a day or two after they return. All I can do is be their oasis and try to teach them skills to cope. I hope they will be mentally strong and aware when it is all over.

He is suing me for custody, again. I am not afraid this time. I was able to hire a great attorney. This was his response to me reporting him to CPS for bruising the children and getting a child protection order until he calmed down.  Unfortunately my state allows a parent to beat and bruise their children so nothing was done. I went to the police, but the prosecutor said he couldn't get a conviction so charges were not filed. UBPD doesn't know I went to the police and have pictures, reports, etc. The good news is that he is on his best behavior trying to prove what a great parent he is.

We have 50/50 custody now. He claims since I withheld visitation (had a child order of protection) that he should get full custody and me every other weekend, pay child support, ad nausem.  I hope the court will see the truth this time. I spoke with the children's lawyer from our previous case, off the record, and he apologized and said he hadn't accepted how bad uBPD was. There is not a new Guardian appointed yet.

I responded by asking for counseling for the children (he refuses to allow it now and I can't take them without his agreement), family/coparenting counseling, no corporal punishment, and a few other things the Guardian had recommended in our last case, but somehow didn't make it to the final decree.  I am hoping I seem like the reasonable parent!

I have learned so much from all of your stories and advice, thank you!  And I am open and appreciative of any knowledge or experience you may have on my current situation. I am optomistically cautious!

[livednlearned]

I'm glad you came back to share how you're doing 

Congratulations on the new job and beautiful home and the loving support of friends and family.

What is it about your new attorney that seems different than the last?

[ForeverDad]

He's got complaints only, you've got more - solutions.  Make sure the court notices.

Years ago my lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling!"  So very likely you'll get the court to approve counseling.

The kids will need counselors to provide additional support and insight.  Courts love counseling.  However, be sure he doesn't pick the counselors, he would choose ineffective, inexperienced or gullible ones.  One way to limit his choices are for you to build a short list of counselors with solid reputations and accept your insurance, do the research in advance, then in court you can present that vetted list and offer for him to pick from among those most excellent counselors.  And if he doesn't pick then you pick one.  Courts like that approach, both parents are involved but you've ensured they are all good counselors.

[LilMe]

First time custody - no lawyer
2nd time custody - free state lawyer - I got what I paid for
3rd time he sued me for car - cheap inexperienced lawyer did ok, but we settled out of court.
This time - one of the best family lawyers in my county, experienced in high conflict disputes and concerned for children.

Working my way up!

[livednlearned]

I'm so happy for you lilme! Congratulations on retaining a good lawyer altho it's unfortunate that your ex isn't letting go. I didn't think mine would and then after a series of losses he just stopped.

How are each of your kids doing? Anything in particular seem to be working to help them cope?

[LilMe]

Our children are doing much better since uBPD is on his best behavior. Unfortunately he is already starting to slide back into his anger and frustration that he takes out on the children. I can only be their safe place. I teach them to listen to their inner truth; not blindly accepting what parents or anyone tells them to believe. He tells them my home is bad and I don't care about them, etc. I am careful to not talk bad about him. I am always honest with them and let them be honest with me without judgement. They know that you can love and care for someone, but be hurt by their behaviors.

My 10 year old has the hardest time. He releases a lot of anger here. We work together on ways for him to safely release the anger and learning to calm himself. Together we came up with a list of things he enjoys that calm him. His father seems to see himself in our son and is very harsh with him so he has a lot of self hatred. I can't seem to help him with this and it is very concerning to me. He is the main reason I am fighting for counseling.

Fortunately there are not many counselors here and we know most of them. There are a couple of good ones and he will about have to agree to one of those

We had a temporary order at one point that required counseling and he would never agree to anything so it never happened. Sadly this judge must not care too much about counseling or he would have enforced his own order. Or it could have been that my crappy lawyer never brought it to his attention. All very frustrating!