He got physical last night - Part 3

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

You realize that you need to pay attention to what you feel when things are good between you. This is a new point in your relationship and you're being mindful to not make things worse.

I was looking at our text messages.  Jan 27th is when we had our last "real" discussion.  Since then, I have been able to keep things on the "good" track.

pwBPD often use substances and addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc.) to deal with the pain of their emptiness.  They also don't have a sense of time due to their dissociating.  My uBPD H does this often.  He can't have recall and does not have a sense of history.

I certainly don't give my H a free pass when he is drunk or is dysregulating.  You should not have to, either.

I am beginning to see how his sense of time is out of whack.  Jan 27th is when we had our last big talk where we smoothed things over.  In that conversation, he said  "I
 think we should just forget about girlfriends right now. I need to be right with you before anybody else is involved. Wether that means more kids or not. And we should not go out for a while. I don't think I should even drink when I'm having issues. I don't know how to deal with them when I'm f*up. My dad had the same problem."  Guess what we are doing tonight, going out with our friend's to a gay bar.  The same gay bar we went to the last time when we out. 

I texted my girlfriend and told her I guess we are coming out to support our friend in his singing competition.  I told her, I am not drinking because I have to wake up early with the kids and I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning.

I am taking Human Anatomy.  I am developing a hypothesis.  I think if we go out tonight, he is going to forget what he said only a week and a half ago, get drunk, act a fool, and try to get our girl friend to come home.  Maybe I should just put a stop to it and say no, but part of me wonders if his short term memory is really that bad.  I am going to reiterate that I need to wake up early and I want to go to the gym to him before we leave.  I am also going to dress down and not up when we go out.

This may be signing up for disaster, but he is the one that suggested we go out.  I really want to see if he can forget what he did only a little over two weeks ago and behave the same way, just because we "patched" things up.

[Frankee]

You realize that you need to pay attention to what you feel when things are good between you. This is a new point in your relationship and you're being mindful to not make things worse.

I was looking at our text messages.  Jan 27th is when we had our last "real" discussion.  Since then, I have been able to keep things on the "good" track.

pwBPD often use substances and addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc.) to deal with the pain of their emptiness.  They also don't have a sense of time due to their dissociating.  My uBPD H does this often.  He can't have recall and does not have a sense of history.

I certainly don't give my H a free pass when he is drunk or is dysregulating.  You should not have to, either.

I am beginning to see how his sense of time is out of whack.  Jan 27th is when we had our last big talk where we smoothed things over.  In that conversation, he said  "I
 think we should just forget about girlfriends right now. I need to be right with you before anybody else is involved. Wether that means more kids or not. And we should not go out for a while. I don't think I should even drink when I'm having issues. I don't know how to deal with them when I'm f*up. My dad had the same problem."  Guess what we are doing tonight, going out with our friend's to a gay bar.  The same gay bar we went to the last time when we out. 

I texted my girlfriend and told her I guess we are coming out to support our friend in his singing competition.  I told her, I am not drinking because I have to wake up early with the kids and I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning.

I am taking Human Anatomy.  I am developing a hypothesis.  I think if we go out tonight, he is going to forget what he said only a week and a half ago, get drunk, act a fool, and try to get our girl friend to come home.  Maybe I should just put a stop to it and say no, but part of me wonders if his short term memory is really that bad.  I am going to reiterate that I need to wake up early and I want to go to the gym to him before we leave.  I am also going to dress down and not up when we go out.

This may be signing up for disaster, but he is the one that suggested we go out.  I really want to see if he can forget what he did only a little over two weeks ago and behave the same way, just because we "patched" things up.

[Notwendy]

Frankee- boundaries are about you, not him. If you want to go to bed early and get up- then you decide what you need to do to achieve that.

He can suggest things all he wants but you can't control him. You have the choice to go or not. Just because he suggested this outing does not mean you are not responsible for what happens if you go. You have a choice and you are responsible for that choice too.


Your choices are:

Stay home so you don't get sidetracked by going out.

If you go out, what are your plans for achieving your goal that are not contingent on him. He may get drunk or not, he may want to bring someone home or not.

Do you have money for a cab if he drives so you can go home if he wants to stay out late?

Or you drive and let him take a cab home.

You can say no if he gets drunk and wants to bring the other woman home ,but he may also physically overpower you again. What will you do if he does that? Call 911?

If your H is tempted to get drunk and solicit sex, then putting him in this bar is a set up. The way to decide he has changed is if he decides to not go to the bar, because he sees it as something that can lead him to misbehave.

Let's put this in other terms. Your good friend is overweight and says she wants to go on a diet. She has a hard time controlling herself around ice cream. You want your friend to change her behavior so she can be her best healthy self. She asks you to go to the local ice cream shop with her. What do you do- that you know is in the best interest of your friend:

A.) You take her to the ice cream shop to do an experiment with her- see if she really means what she says and can resist the ice cream in the face of temptation.

B)You recognize that she has a hard time resisting ice cream and decide to do something else instead- like a movie night.

Think about this Frankee. You are angry at your H, but this bar event tonight is a set up. It's as if an alcoholic told you he wanted to stop drinking so you go to a bar? I don't know if your H meant this or not, but he's not had the time, or the tools to make a serious change. He is who he is ,and this seems like a set up for more of the same.

Knowing what happened last time, why would you put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation?

[formflier]

I agree that the bar thing is a set up.

If you have hinted or told him you would go, I would suggest you apologize for mixed messages, review the prior conversation with him and let him know you are not going.;

The trickier part is asking him not to go and letting him know how you see him going.

I would think it better to ask him to do something else with you, vice NOT do something.

Perhaps that's dinner and a talk with you.  What can you propose that has a chance to move the relationship in a good direction?

flip it around.

What are the chances that going to a bar with him (even with rules/decisions not to drink) are going to move the relationship in a good direction.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

"The idea that somehow, someday, he will be able to control and enjoy his drinking is the obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many have pursued it into the gates of insanity or even death."

-Alcoholics Anonymous, chapter 3

This chapter tries to explain why someone with poor impulse control regarding alcohol will continue to try again and again to drink alcohol as others do, having fun and enjoying himself while still exhibiting enough control to drink responsibly.

For an alcoholic (or addict) this is impossible. But the disorder tells us (because I am one of these people) that we can do it, this time will be different, I won't let it control me this time, I can handle this, I can control myself.

I'm not suggesting your h is an alcoholic, but I think the illusion that he can repeat the same behavior with a different result is pretty much the same as the alcoholic/addict illusion.

It's not that he has forgotten what happened last time. It's just that he is drawn to the idea of going out to have fun, relax, blow off steam, whatever, and his mind has convinced him that this time will be different and he will not lose control. It's an illusion.

Think about this, too... .who's at greater risk in this situation? What motivation does he have to control himself this time? There were no consequences for him last time. The one who suffered the most was you.

[Enabler]

"To be clear, I am driving tonight, I am leaving at 23:00 with or without you, if you even suggest a threesome I will leave without you."

... .and simply follow through with ZERO arguments.

[Cat Familiar]

Frankee, you've gotten some great feedback from AskingWhy, Notwendy, formflier, IAmRedeemed, and Enabler.

Please rethink this plan. And Eyes on the Prize--you are in school now, planning for a better future. You don't need more drama or distractions.

[Enabler]

I might also suggest that you don't drink when you are out with him for a good period of time. Keep your edge and maintain your ability to hold those boundaries.

[Frankee]

I really appreciate the replies.  A lot of it is making me rethink this setup.  I already told him a couple hours ago that I'm not drinking at all.  He seemed surprised and said not at all? 

I think some of my motive may be malicious.  Maybe some part of me is trying to sabatoge our relationship.  I am basically setting him up for failure.  I cringed when he said we were going out and he was going to drink.  Already he has shown that he's going back on what he said almost 2 weeks ago.  Maybe he is delusional thinking that this time will be different.  The issue is, when he starts feeling "good", his behavior starts to slide.

I should probably reevaluate this evening.  I was approaching it in a manner where I was clearly still upset from his obvious mind slip that he said we weren't going to go out for awhile.  Sitting here thinking of it makes it clear to me that he has no real boundaries.  He uses patches a temporary fixes.  It almost feels that since we have been on "good" terms that he might think it is okay to go out let loose and everything  will be okay.

I think it would be a good idea to set boundaries and not set myself up for another failure.  It wouldn't prove anything except that I was right and not sure that's what I really want.

It's frustrating because we went to the gym this morning, had a great workout and the trainer is trying to get us to sign up for bikini competition.  I don't know how much it will cost, but the trainer wants me girlfriend and I to train to be on his team.  Another reason why I am not drinking.  Self discipline is self love.  I am trying to work on that really hard, even though I do stumble with it.

[Notwendy]

It's also about you. If you don't want to drink, if you don't want to hook up with your H and your friend, then don't go to a bar with your H who plans to drink and your friend who he wants to hook up with.

You're training for a bikini contest. Would you skip lunch and then walk into a doughnut shop at 4 pm where they are coming out of the oven warm? "Oh I'm not going to eat one, I just want to be there, smell them coming fresh out of the oven and watch my husband eat them". Don't fool yourself. We're human and alcohol makes us forget our resolve and give in to temptation, just like walking into a doughnut shop on an empty stomach can do that.

Come on Frankie- you know this is a set up - for you, for him, and for your friend.

[Frankee]

Well, it ended with another right, not as bad though.  I made a comment about a woman messaging about wanting to hook up with me when my bph wasn't home.  Big mistake.  He spun it so hard on me that I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. 

Truth is, I think I am over his whole honesty and in my face about his feelings towards other women.  He think that because he is "honest" about his raw desires towards other women that I just supposed to shrug and say, at least you told me.  What purpose does telling me that he would had brought this women home and f*ed the $hit out of her, but didn't because he knew I didn't want to.  How is that not putting it on me?  Like hey... I want to F her, but your not into it so we won't.  Just because your honest about it doesn't make it easier to take in.  Why couldn't he had just left it alone?  Why couldn't he had kept that $hit to himself.

No matter how much "honesty" he spits out to make me feel better, it somehow comes around to making me feel like he's not doing this because I have his balls in a vice. 

So hypothesis correct, and now I feel like cr@p because I was proved right and now we are at odds again.  Which is why I feel again like this won't last.  We are on obvious different wavelengths on what we really want out of a relationship.  He says he's fine if we don't bring anyone else home again, but it seems to be a big source of problem causing recently.  Sex is obviously more important to him than me and even when I try he says it feels forced, so I am not sure what to think.

I get ahead and then I stumble and fall flat on my face.

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, I am giving you a link on male BPDs and their attitude toward sex.  For them, it's not about intimacy or even sex.   It's about insecurity.   I know because my uBPD H is this way.  I suspect he was starved for attention when he was a toddler because his brother was born when he was very young.  His F is most likely uNPD and his mother and enabler.  I don't think she would have the sense to give her newborn and her other some equal attention.  H's adult life goal has been to prove himself to his parents.  Just as the article indicates, he was "second best," a common issue with male BPDs.   Sex for my H is a way of getting close to someone physically, and sex is about as close as you can get.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201405/men-borderline-personality-disorder

[Notwendy]

Frankee- he was honest about what he wanted, but you also mentioned the woman wanting to hook up with you to him. If that's something he wants- you to bring home another woman, a comment about hooking up with a woman when he isn't home could sound to him like you are going to do that and leave him out.

There are also agreements in marriage. I don't know what the two of you have agreed on. If it is an open marriage or not. A marriage can be a challenge even with just two people. Adding the option for others requires different agreements between both people and the ability to manage feeling such as jealousy.

If the two of you have agreed to bring in other people in the marriage, and you want to change that, then there needs to be a different agreement.

I think first, you need to decide what you want and what to do about the topic of hooking up with women. If you bring it up, and this is something he wants, then he's going to react. If you want to hook up with women, and he wants to do this too- then can you blame him for saying he wants to?

If you don't want to hook up with women now, this may require a change on your part. It's about personal boundaries- making it clear to yourself and others that you are not available. If someone is interested in you, say "no thank you, I am not available". If you know that telling your H someone is interested in you is going to upset your H, you don't have to mention it if nothing happened further than this.

[Enabler]

Hey Frankee,

I've got to say that I am a little confused. I totally empathise with your stance about not liking your BF's open desire to involve other people in your relationship, although not absolute, it's pretty much social 'norms' that there's an expectation of exclusivity (unless agreed). HOWEVER, and I am only going to speak for myself and the vast majority of the men that I know... .so I am not speaking for all men here... .Men, like women (and some like men, and some like men dressed as women and women dressed as men), most men (that I know) would like a lot of women, all at once, in fact a harem would be pretty cool... .loads of hot naked women all doing cool naked rubbing things to me and each other sounds pretty awesome to me... .SO... .what stops this happening? Well firstly my own physical limitations of me not being able to attract one woman (at the moment) let alone more than one. Secondly, my personal values based on my religious beliefs promises I have made to God and my wife when I said my marriage vows. Thirdly a respect for my wife's (or Girlfriends pre-marriage) values and feelings. Fourthly a fear of the negative consequences of living out that fantasy... .my wife would leave me, she would certainly be disgusted with me and penalize me, my parents and siblings might find out, my friends might reject me, it would cost me a lot of money to get all those women together... .see there are consequences for me.

Looking at your BF, what restrains him? His personal values may suggest that this is totally fine and free love is awesome, he has enough love to share around. He may not have any religious beliefs which constrain him, he hasn't made any marital commitments to you. You have a chaotic way of telling him that you are not okay with it, one minute you say this is not cool, the next minute you have a woman back to the house he knows is pretty clear about her intentions to get scissor sisters with you and him, plus you tell him about other women who are interested in you... .I can see his confusion as to where the fence is and where the fence might go if he were to push it a bit, it's a bit flaky. He likely thinks you aren't disgusted by the idea of sharing him with other women, and maybe he doesn't care what his family and friends would think if they found out he'd been involved in a 2's on 1... .or even a 20 on 1, in fact his mates might give him a high 5... .and all this for free (emotionally and financially)!

You are disgusted that the only reason he won't do these things is because you won't let him, but I have to say, for a lot of men without religious or moral constraints, their respect for their partners wishes and potential fallout is THE ONLY THING STOPPING THEM... .and that's okay isn't it? He's testing a weak fence (boundary), show him with consistency that it's not weak and it's ROCK SOLID.

Enabler

[Frankee]

I  have to admit, my fence and boundaries on this definitely have holes and weak spots.  He's clearly upset because when we hooked up, I was different.  I was more free love and open.  Even a couple months ago we were on a high where we were back to our fun free living ways.  I feel he has gotten a taste of what it use to be, how it could be, and he wants more. 

I find what disgusts me the most is how he made feel like complete $hit a couple weeks ago because I would get down with 3 other women.  He said recently he doesn't know what that was, it was the "old" him.  How he spent the last year "revamping" his personality for me.  He says that he would be okay, might get mad and frustrated if I never wanted to bring anyone else home.  I am having trouble believing him.  I feel that it means to much to him.  That he would crack one day, that he would pick ugly fights, and make me feel like a spinister because I wasn't partying.

I told him this morning that I apologized for not saying I didn't want to go out.  I told him I didn't feel like going out, I tried to have fun, but I should have just stayed home.  He had fun.  I was annoyed to hell with him.  Even though he didn't do as bad, just seeing him drink rubbed me the wrong way and I am not 100% sure why.  He even called me an old woman because I didn't want to go out and get blitzed even though I said numerous times I had to get up early.

I know I set him up.  Even at the the end of the night when I told him to leave with another woman to hang out.  It seems drinking, partying, getting hit on by other women seems to be more important to him even though he says He's trying to show me It's not.  I don't believe him.

[formflier]

So... .I'm trying to stay big picture, because there are some confusing things going on here.

Two people are adjusting "for the other"... .then the other seems to be confused or unhappy about some of the changes.

Wouldn't it be better for each of you guys to be who you are and enjoy the parts of the relationship that work, when you each are being who you are.

All of us understand we can't be everything to our significant other. 

Has this approach been tried before?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

What if you look at your life with short-term goals vs. long-term goals?

Short-term
Hooking up with other women for fun
Drinking and getting drunk
Going out to bars

Long-term
Becoming a nurse
Having more economic resources
Being a good parent

It seems that your husband is more focused upon the short-term pleasures, while you're trying to balance short-term against the long-term.

A question to ask yourself:
If I indulge in the short-term fun, does that risk the long-term?

It could, as you were aware of last night. If you got drunk and stayed out late, you might flunk a test. Or worse, when you're interning in the hospital at some point, you could do something that risked a patient if you were hungover and not fully present. And you could be terminated from the program.

[Enabler]

It seems that your husband is more focused upon the short-term pleasures, while you're trying to balance short-term against the long-term.

This is something that I have considered a lot in my own relationship and how the lack of delayed gratification skills with a pwBPD influences their decision making skills. We know that impulsivity is prevalent in pwBPD... .why?... .because it takes emotional pain to resist temptations in the present for the betterment of the future. That likely includes making short term decisions about sexual temptations (fantasies) for the betterment of a long term relationship.

[Frankee]

All of us understand we can't be everything to our significant other. 

Has this approach been tried before?

I feel I am trying this now.  I finally set goals for long term accomplishment.  I just sometimes feel that when I try to deviate away from bending over backwards, it turns into I don't want to be a part of this family,  etc.

It seems that your husband is more focused upon the short-term pleasures, while you're trying to balance short-term against the long-term.

A question to ask yourself:
If I indulge in the short-term fun, does that risk the long-term?

It could, as you were aware of last night. If you got drunk and stayed out late, you might flunk a test. Or worse, when you're interning in the hospital at some point, you could do something that risked a patient if you were hungover and not fully present. And you could be terminated from the program.

It seems a lot of our problems are we are focused on different things.  I blurted out to him earlier that I don't want to hook up with more women.  We were having one of our back and forth times.  I reiterated what he said about not going out, not drinking, etc.  He said he did that last night to prove to me that he could drink and not have it be all about hooking up.  Yet somehow the night ended with him admitting he would have loved to had taken this engaged woman home and doing the deed, but didn't because I wasn't comfortable.

There is so much going on in my head.  I got upset and said I am not a miserable person, but I am not happy with him right now.  I know he is doing better and I have he is trying.  I am just still having a hard time letting go of things that happened.  I am kind of wondering what is going to happen now that I put it out there that I don't want to be with other women.  If he wants to leave me because of It, then I am ready to let him go.

[Cat Familiar]

That is a big difference--whether or not you want an open marriage. And it's good for both of you to get clarity. So if hooking up with other women is more important to him than staying married, well, that tells you something.

I understand why it's difficult to let go of things that have happened. You've got a lot of history there. Are you still seeing a therapist?

[AskingWhy]

Frankee, here are some hugs.   

Years ago, I had a relative who was married to a likely BPD man.  Her H was a serial cheater with many women, and they were in counseling with at T.    In addition, the H used marital income to buy his women expensive gifts.

In session, the T looked at her after hearing both express their concerns, and said to her, "Don't you see it does not concern him that his behaviour is affecting you this way?"  The T had to make her see that her H saw nothing wrong with what he was doing and how it affected her and their marriage. 

Needless to say, the therapy did not continue.  Oddly, the H filed for divorce first and asked for spousal support as the woman was the main breadwinner. The judge saw how silly the H's demands were, and did not award the support.  The judge, in essence, said to the H, "You are an adult and can make your own income."

At a certain point, those in R/S with partners with BPD have to come to the full realisation that in most cases, BPDs won't change, and it's the non who must adapt.  If the terms of adapting are not to our liking, we have to make a decision to see if we can accept those terms.

 

[Frankee]

I understand why it's difficult to let go of things that have happened. You've got a lot of history there. Are you still seeing a therapist?

I stopped seeing her because of what happened with my bph after my session.  He got upset I told the T things that I couldn't tell him about my ex and thought I was bad mouthing him the whole time.  I am starting to think I need to go back.  Not for our relationship, but to help me sort of all this craziness in my head.

[Frankee]

At a certain point, those in R/S with partners with BPD have to come to the full realisation that in most cases, BPDs won't change, and it's the non who must adapt.  If the terms of adapting are not to our liking, we have to make a decision to see if we can accept those terms.

I have tried for a long time to adapt to what I thought he wanted.  What is really tearing me up is I can see that he has changed.  I can see he is trying.  I know He's not perfect and we still have our fights.

The trouble I have is now with this new confidence, I am finding it a lot harder to roll with the punches when dealing with him.  I firmly believe after that night where I originally posted this thread is where it all changed for me.  Regardless of if he apologized, said it was the "old" him, that he was messed up, it was pent up hostility about me leaving the kids (which he threw out this afternoon), then somehow spinning it to where now he doesn't feel like he was at fault, that he was led on, it was a giant tease.  Calling me a c0ck tease because I am not how I use to be.  He said change is good, but he said he knows when I'm not acting my normal.

This is where I am at.  The getting blitzed, partying, flirting with women has been ruined for me.  I told him that I don't want to hook up with anymore women and It's been ruined for me.  Now, I see this two ways.  It will be like the child thing where me telling him I don't want anymore, leads him to wanting to pick fights about it and pent up hostility.  Or he sees it is damaging our relationship and tries to be okay with it for now.  I don't think he will be because he already feels I am taking away everything he believes in with his religion.  He uses his religion as an excuse to "soil his oats" and have big families.  Calling me a Christian because I want a relationship that doesn't involve somebody else or more than one other.  We've fought about this a lot.  This may really be it.

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve tried to appease him by doing things that you weren’t really sure you wanted to do. Perhaps having fun as a swinging couple is one thing, but he has expressed a desire for multiple wives and more children. Currently in the US, polygamy is illegal and even if he didn’t formally marry another wife, there would be awkwardness and lots of explaining for children at school about multiple mothers in the house.

But bottom line, you don’t want to share him and your home with other women and their children. How much does he interact with the children he already has? And how would he support more if finances were already stretched when he still had a job?

[Notwendy]

I'm not sure what religion he is following but even one that is OK with multiple wives also hopefully has ethical rules on how to treat them and how to behave. In the US, polygamy is illegal. For some religions that have been historically associated with polygamy at some point ( and are not now, or at least in the US are not ) drinking alcohol is not allowed. I can't think of any religion that is OK with doing whatever you want whenever you want it, so he could be inconsistently bringing it up to justify this. Personally, I would not take that reason for sewing his oats with multiple women and partying seriously. If he claims to be following a major world religion, he has some behavioral rules to follow too.

I think it is good that you are examining your own values. Yes, maybe you did enjoy partying but you are older now, a mother, and may have grown to want something else. Not all young people go through this phase but some do. They may party in college, then realize they want to focus on studying to have a career. A young, single person can think mainly about themselves while a person who is a parent has to think of their children too.

I can understand why your H may be confused- you aren't interested in doing the things you did when you first met, but you are older now. Maybe you want a different kind of relationship based on what is considered traditional marriage in the US. You can only be who you are, and getting in touch with what you want may make that clearer to you.

It's said "to find the one,  be the one". This means if you want monogamy, be monogamous. If you don't want to party, don't go out and party. Your H may not like this, but he then has to deal with that. I don't know how this will affect the marriage- he may stay, or he may leave, but I do know this: the more you align your behavior with your values, the more self esteem you will have.

[Frankee]

How much does he interact with the children he already has? And how would he support more if finances were already stretched when he still had a job?

I firmly believe this is one of the main reasons I have no desire to have more children.   He use to have work as an excuse, but no more.  The only time he offered to get up with the children is the night we went out to the bar.  He has been out of work for a week and not once has he gotten up with the kids, gotten them ready for school.  I thinking may have helped once with the homework.  If he is all about having more kids and a bigger family, now would be a great time to show me he is really invested in it.  When he was working, he said I should be able to "handle" two kids.  I am.  Taking care of them, taking care of the house, working,  going to school, and now doing the gym. 

I can't think of any religion that is OK with doing whatever you want whenever you want it, so he could be inconsistently bringing it up to justify this.

You can only be who you are, and getting in touch with what you want may make that clearer to you.

It's said "to find the one,  be the one". This means if you want monogamy, be monogamous. If you don't want to party, don't go out and party. Your H may not like this, but he then has to deal with that. I don't know how this will affect the marriage- he may stay, or he may leave, but I do know this: the more you align your behavior with your values, the more self esteem you will have.

I agree that sometimes he is using his religion as a means to justify.  I need to read that article about BPD men and sex.  I get where his messed up views about it are coming from to a certain degree, but it doesn't make it easier when he acts the way he does.

We ended up fighting/talking in the bathroom.  It started off by him shutting himself in the bedroom and saying he was depressed.   I was trying to get ready for class and I was in the room while he was getting upset.  Asking me why I am being this way.  I found myself getting angry and annoyed by him.  So much so that I ended up screaming at him.  We talked about a lot that was going on.  I cleared up the air that when I said I don't want to go out, I meant drinking and partying and hooking up. 

The air was cleared, but we are still upset about different things.  He doesn't want to lose me or the kids, but it is also obvious that he wants a certain lifestyle.  Yes he said he is willing to give it up.  I am still upset he said he thought we were working through him being bored by sleeping with other women, that it was a hobby.  Which means he is bored with our life, he wants the excitement, he wants the thrill of the chase, but he also wants the wife and kids.  Yet he gets upset that when he asks what kind of lifestyle I want and I am trying to figure that out.

I am still not sure if this is something I want long term.  I needed to find my peace again.  I was an hour late for class because of this.  It goes back to short term/long term goals.  There is a lot to think about with my H.  I really need to figure out what I want without his input and worrying about his messed up fantasies.

[formflier]

I have tried for a long time to adapt to what I thought he wanted.  

Stay big picture. 

He doesn't know what he wants... .at least with any kind of consistency.

That's the primary reason I've encourage you to figure out what you want and be consistent with that.  Then... .most likely... .he will flit around that, but at least there will be a "north star" for him to navigate from.

Thoughts?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I really need to figure out what I want without his input and worrying about his messed up fantasies.

Exactly.    You need to get totally clear about your needs and wants, not how you can fit yourself around his.

Also remember that "No" means NO. If you don't want to do something, saying No is adequate. There's no need for explanation. That's why we tell people not to JADE. As soon as you open up a "no" to a discussion, then your partner might think there's a chance you can be persuaded to change your mind.

[Frankee]

I set up to see my counselor again on Wednesday.  My H knows I am going back and is worried I am going to decide to leave again.  I reassured him I am doing this because I obviously have issues to work through.  Here recently I have been getting extremely defensive and quick to attack him when he expresses emotions that come off as I am doing something wrong when I feel I am not.  I've shut my ears to any sort of communication with him.  I am tired of pretending to be at peace when I really need to find my inner peace.

He saw his therapist again today and is going back weekly.  She was talking to him about getting him stable so she can refer him to a new therapy treatment.  It is light eye therapy.  I googled it and apparently there is a new treatment that they say is almost as effective as CBT therapy for people with PTSD.  Think It's called EMDR.  A lot of acronyms.  He said she is going to get him stable enough to see about having him do the therapy.

I am still sticking to what I feel and what I want.  I am still not in a place to make any life altering choices.  I can't flunk school.  Trying to keep my priorities straight.

[Cat Familiar]

I set up to see my counselor again on Wednesday. 

Awesome! 

Here recently I have been getting extremely defensive and quick to attack him when he expresses emotions that come off as I am doing something wrong when I feel I am not. 

As I recall, he's been telling you that you're "not behaving right". Nobody likes being criticized.

He saw his therapist again today and is going back weekly. 

I know a veteran who did EMDR for PTSD after being in combat. He thought it helped a lot.

I am still sticking to what I feel and what I want.  I am still not in a place to make any life altering choices.  I can't flunk school.  Trying to keep my priorities straight.

Yes, keep doing what you're doing! You're on a good track!

[Enabler]

EMDR - eye movement desensitisation reprocessing, involves recalling traumatic reoccurring memories that are ‘stuck’ and relived on a daily basis. These memories are usually so traumatic we couldn’t make sense of them, thus they can’t be compartmentalised like any old memory. In EMDR these conscious memories are coupled with movements (usually an eye movement following a pen or something) which couples memory with movement. Like two pieces of a puzzle it enables the memory to be released by the conscious and stored in the memory “similar to going to the supermarket”.

I don’t know whether it’s a skill which enables an individual to treat themselves as they recall more and more trauma, or whether each trauma has to be done with an EMDR specialist.

Enabler