Healthier Dating: How do you know when it's time to say "I love you"

[once removed]

so youve got butterflies for your honey.

youre wondering if they feel the same. you wonder if it might be too soon to tell them, and worry about how they might react.

or maybe youd dismissed the feelings, or otherwise hadnt put a lot of time or thought into them, when they drop the bomb: "i love you".

in any event, lets explore some questions as a group:

• do you have a particular time limit on when to say "i love you" in a relationship?
• in the early stages, it can obviously be difficult to distinguish between long term love and infatuation. how do you know, and tell the difference?
• have you ever told a partner you loved them "too soon", and regretted it or taken it back? or been on the receiving end of that?

[Mutt]

To answer your question how to tell the difference between infatuation and long term i would know once that the honeymoon phase is over but that’s also the most challenging part after the honeymoon is over. If it survives past that point for me I know that the r/s has legs and it will continue in until whenever.

I’ll admit that this gf I said it way too soon she knew that it was on my mind and she said just say it. She was infatuated from me for months before she approached me, I didn’t feel uncomfortable with it but I would probably hold off if it was with another person maybe past the state that I talked about.

I was surprised that I didn’t realize that the honeymoon was over it took me a little time to figure it out. I just knew something was different, it made me remember about having a r/s with a pwBPD because I wanted the attention. I was able to move past this and I don’t need the attention from the idealization from my ex. I did get idealized but my gf is not a blank and white thinker.

We broke up at the critical stage for a few weeks and got back together a few weeks later and it’s been good since it’s been really good actually. I was worried about how I would adjust in a stable r:/s I managed to work through the challenges.

[itsmeSnap]

have you ever told a partner you loved them "too soon", and regretted it or taken it back? or been on the receiving end of that?

I had the opposite problem, my gf started saying it and I didn't respond the same way. I did shower her with attention and "love", but I never said it back to her.

I was kinda skeptical since she'd been saying all along (2+ years) that she would never consider being "tied" to anyone, even with kids and a family.

do you have a particular time limit on when to say "i love you" in a relationship?

To me that's the equivalent of "will you marry me?" but without the ring and the wedding planning 

So, unless I'm sure this is a long term thing with a future, I'll hold off on it.

Maybe not the best approach though, I'm still working on my own issues with it 

[once removed]

the thread is a bit personal for me.

wed known (by internet and phone) each other for three years, but only been together about a week or two.

i remember writing in my journal around that time that i was nervous she was "going to drop the l bomb", and that it was too soon (she wound up reading that by the way, which went over well).

so a day or two later, while we were engaged in some sexual activity, she dropped it: "i love you, once". in my head it was like "youre just overwhelmed, and this doesnt feel appropriate.". hesitance in my voice, which i suspect she noticed, i said it back. afterward, she sort of apologized for dropping it in the manner she did, but wanted me to know she really loved me. for some reason that explanation satisfied me (and i suspect on some level she knew it might), and i never looked back. essentially, i had said it out of the pressure i felt... .what an awkward moment to not say it back, but what a serious thing to say.

it might sound arbitrary, but i think i would want to wait a good three months at least to say "i love you" (assuming i did). that is still usually a period of honeymoon and infatuation, but at the same time, most relationships end around that time - i wont have made a giant commitment im not prepared to keep. its like marriage... .maybe i know i want to marry the person within a month or two, but its not necessarily prudent to jump out and get engaged.

[Skip]

I think the healthiest/easiest thing is for couples is to go through the progression that gets reciprocated (or not) by your partner. Things like (example only and not necessarily in this order):

• I really enjoy spending time with you (if reciprocated, say more often)
• I really like you (if reciprocated, say more often)
• Do you want to be my girlfriend
• Do you want be exclusive
• I love that about you. (if reciprocated, say more often)
• You have a very loving way about you. (if reciprocated, say more often)
• You are very special to me. (if reciprocated, say more often)
• I love you

And what if someone gets ahead of the curve an says I love you. You can certainly reciprocate it at the time and them go back to the progression - they will get the message.

Lastly, some people use this word more easier than others - so read their intent and don't get to hung up on semantics.

These are all abstract terms of endearment and understanding what is being said is much more important than the word itself. I have a neighbor who says she loves me... .its means likes/respects. Her expression is fine with me, I know what it means.

[In a bad way]

Just don't say it.
You are opening a can of worms and allowing yourself to be s*** on.

[Mutt]

Hi In a bad way,

Can you tell us a bit more about your experience? Are you saying that you were treated badly by everyone that you dated? I’d like to hear more.

[flourdust]

The timing on this is just perfect for me, oddly enough.

I recently started dating someone seriously for the first time since my divorce. The three year anniversary of my separation is coming up next week, and the divorce would have been finalized more than two years ago if her attorney hadn't dragged things out unnecessarily. As it was, the judge signed the decree in October.

So, I've been dating J for about seven weeks now. We're in very similar circumstances - about the same age, both divorced, both raising teenagers. We're able to get together around 2-3 times/week, and we stay in touch several times/day with texting.

My thoughts about the L word are pretty similar to much of the conventional wisdom expressed above - wait until the infatuation period is over, set a hard deadline of a certain number of months, or dates, or hours together, don't mistake texting intimacy for real intimacy. And so on.

And I'm naturally slow and cautious ... .especially after healing from a lengthy destructive marriage to a pwBPD and three years of learning about my own codependent traits and how to place them in balance. I dread the thought of backsliding on all that progress.

However ... .yesterday, she told me she loved me. And I had to think about how I wanted to respond. This was off my carefully planned timetable!

One thing I will say about her is that she's been through some healing herself and has learned how to say what she wants, use her words to communicate, and put her feelings forward without turning them into demands. So, she left it in my court with no expectations.

I have also been trying to be better at using my words to communicate and putting my own needs first. She gives me space to feel comfortable doing that, which is more amazing to me than any number of compliments or kisses.

As I reflected on all that yesterday, I realized that I do think I love her. But, more importantly, that while love is a strong feeling that brings you closer together, it is not a magic wand for fixing problems, nor is it a shortcut for learning about someone and discovering how compatible you are as a relationship unfolds over time. That's work that you can't skip over with a few words.

I was able to use my words to express all that and also tell her I love her.

So ... .not a shortcut but if you communicate about it openly, you also don't have to stick to what the rules say you should do. I guess that's where I come down on it now.