Mouth taped shut...

[JNChell]

S4 is playing. Scotch tape is part of that. He came up to me with a piece of tape on his lips. He was being funny.

It brought back a memory. My mom used to tape my mouth shut. She tore it off like a bandaid. I’ve been trying to take some time off from posting. That little piece of scotch tape on his lip. She was rough on placing the tape on my mouth. She shook my head. Rubbed her finger over it to make sure it stuck. Then she pushed me aside for awhile. I just sat there crying and trying to mouth breath through the tape. When it was ripped off I was allowed to leave and find my own space after a final scolding. Leaning over me with a hollow look. I can remember the way that my head was jerked back when the tape was being put on. There is so much at the surface right now. It seems unreal. These memories suck. I’m not feeling very good about things. No intense feelings, but I’m not feeling very well.

[Harri]

  

Hi JNChell.  It is good you came here.  You are safe.  We've got you.

I am so sorry your mother did that to you.  Taking away your voice, your ability to express yourself and say no. 

Are you feeling physically unwell?  That can happen sometimes when memories surface.  It is okay and it will pass.  Same with the emotions. 

We've got you.

[Only Human]

Hi JNChell, I'm really glad you came here to post and I hope you found some comfort in getting the memory out of your brain, through your fingertips, and here with us, safe. 

~ OH

[JNChell]

Physically, I’m tired. This memory is pretty overwhelming. I thought I had all of the memories on a platter. This memory came out of nowhere. I remember sitting there in this state and watching my mom. She went about her day. I don’t know how old I was. I know it happened.

[Harri]

I know it happened.

That is enough.  It happened. 

Remind yourself this happened in the past, you are safe now and she can never touch you again.  She can never take your voice away from you again.  You have new skills and understanding now and you can remember this and grieve it.

Can you go to sleep soon?

[chronsweet]

JNChell, your post triggered memories of my mom pinches my cheeks before school.  I can't even remember for what.  It had to be a look or attitude that I shouldn't have had.  I was about 8 or 9.  She had to put cover up over the gouge in my cheek.  She sent me to school late and basically told me to lie about what happened.  This coming from the woman who abhorred lying children.  We were not allowed to lie.  Apparently  it was OK to lie for her actions tho? 

In my adulthood, I have brought up this incident.  It was downplayed, I was wrong about it, I deserved it.  I call BS.  A child should never be physically abused for being a child.  I was physically and emotionally abused.  It did happen.

I am glad you have had this memory to share and remind me about my own.  These things did happen.  We were only children.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell, 

You're not the only one this happened to. My brother and I had our mouths taped shut more than once, and we also had to stand in the corner for what seemed like hours. Long enough that I struggled to remain standing. The tape was a difficult thing, and I also have bad memories about it.

Like you, I look at my little grandchildren and think of someone doing that to them, and it wants to crush my heart. No way!

Do you remember what I shared with you before, how this triggering emotion will most likely begin to settle within 48 to 72 hours? Look ahead and rest, be extra kind to yourself. You are processing as that same little child, Lil' JNChell who is now able to share how much this experience hurt. Extra hugs for you because yes, it did hurt, far more to your spirit and soul than the physical pain.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hey, Harri. Thanks. I did the grounding techniques. I’m good there. What is most upsetting is where I’m at as a 42 year old man. I’m feeling a lot of regret and sadness. Of all things, that memory hit me hard. I didn’t realize there was more inside. I wasn’t prepared for it. It was an immediate flashback. I remember the tape pulling skin off of my lips. I remember trying to keep the tape on my face because I was afraid of my mom seeing it off of my face. There were consequences to things like that.

Sleep happens. I’ve discussed feeling worse with my T. She said that the feelings become worse before they begin to improve. That makes sense. It just feels really bad lately.   back at ya.

[JNChell]

Hello, chronsweet. I’m sorry if my post brought up hurtful memories for you. When stuff hits me hard, I try to bring it here.

Placing makeup on a gouge sounds like more than a pinch. I was often punished for lying. I admit that I did, but it was to avoid the abuse. It didn’t matter. I later learned that telling the truth didn’t matter either.

I was denied an explanation by my parents as well. I called them out. They acted dumbfounded. Gaslighting. I’m sorry that reality wasn’t validated by the two people that are supposed to mean the most to us. I know how that feels.

We were only children.

[JNChell]

Hi, wools.   You’re still here. I had to stand in the corner too. I listened to the laughter and the good times going on. If I turned around or sat down, there was hell to pay.

wools. I know how this stuff feels. I’m so sorry that you had to go through it. I am, however, glad that you’re further along than me and willing to talk about it.

I remember 48-72. It took you restating it, but I remember.

Taping a child’s mouth shut isn’t ok. It was scary. F’ing traumatizing. I don’t know that I’ll ever reach the point where you and several others are through this. It just doesn’t feel that way.

[Harri]

I hear you.   I am glad you remembered to ground yourself. 

I’ve discussed feeling worse with my T. She said that the feelings become worse before they begin to improve. That makes sense. It just feels really bad lately.

This is the tough part.  It is also temporary.  Keep reaching out to us here.  And keep digging in deep to find the strength, determination and willingness to continue.  I already know you have the courage.  You've proven that time and again.   

[JNChell]

Harri, it’s really hard right now. I don’t know how to describe the feelings. One little piece of scotch tape. I’ve been a wreck . I mean I’m functioning, but I don’t feel good inside. This  sucks. You know, as selfish as it is, I felt robbed when my parents died. They died 4 months apart in 2010. Cancer took my mom and my dad not being able to take care of himself took him. I felt no remorse when they died. That worries me. I didn’t feel joy. I don’t know what I felt. I know that I sat by my mom when she died. I watched her closely. Her breathing. When it stopped, I began to panic. I alerted the hospice nurse and she informed my sis and I that she was gone.

My dad followed shortly after. That narcissistic ass could barely feed himself. Sis and I are pretty sure that he mixed up his meds. Mom organized everything for him. He was taking 44 pills a day.

I don’t know what to make of everything 9 years later. I’m in a weird place. I feel pretty bad. I feel hopeless and helpless. Just like that little boy that I’m looking at. It’s so odd.

[Turkish]

That's a traumatic thing to be done to anyone,  especially a child.

chron, leaving a mark is legal child abuse. She covered it up because she knew that at least on some level. 

Wools, that sounds like military academy hell night for plebes. Unbelievable... .

[JNChell]

leaving a mark is legal child abuse.

Yeah. There’s no evidence for the emotional stuff. Visit your local prison for that. I had plenty of marks that were covered by clothing. My parents were careful. They were loved outside of the house. My dad was once my Scout leader. Creeps me out. I’m so pissed off at them currently.

[JNChell]

I read a saying by someone that I can’t recall the name, but it said that if child abuse would stop, that the DSM would go from 800 plus pages to a pamphlet.

[Turkish]

I read a saying by someone that I can’t recall the name, but it said that if child abuse would stop, that the DSM would go from 800 plus pages to a pamphlet.

What does that mean to you?

[JNChell]

To me, it means that children are precious and they need to be nurtured in a healthy way.

[JNChell]

Healthy people create healthy societies.

[Turkish]

To me it means that those who abuse children have DSM level diagnoses which cause them to abuse children. 

[JNChell]

Yeah. Where does that toxic circle end?

[JNChell]

How does the DSM become a pamphlet?

[Turkish]

How does the DSM become a pamphlet?

I think what was meant is that child abuse is mostly done by those with DSM level mental disorders.  I think that the sentiment is backwards.  Even assuming this premise,  it doesn't help. 

[JNChell]

It just sucks, man. It was around before us, it’ll be around after us. People have free will. We should be careful with that. Abusers make up most of the DSM. Agreed.

[JNChell]

Turkish, I feel like I may be at a pivotal point. It gets worse before it gets better. It feels pretty damn bad right now. How does it feel when it’s not bad anymore?

[Kwamina]

Hi JNChell

I think more often than not, our healing will require continual work, kind of like maintenance. Even when things get better, we still need to keep doing the work, the maintenance, so we can keep on going.

That memory you had was pretty intense and it is indeed quite disturbing that your mother did this to you. A quote from Pete Walker:
"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

How does it feel when it’s not bad anymore?

I believe it feels something like this:


As the pic shows, it can get rough, like you've been through the washing machine, but there are brighter days ahead

[JNChell]

Lmao, Kwamina! Thanks for the visual.  Also, for the shared wisdom. It helps.

[Woolspinner2000]

Wools, that sounds like military academy hell night for plebes. Unbelievable... .

Turkish, I never quite thought of it that way. I just have this memory in my head (actually I am there in the memory) of being a little girl trying so hard to not fall over as I stood there. It's sad. Once I asked my brother about it, to see if he remembered it too because I just needed to know that the shadowy memory wasn't just an imagination. It wasn't. He remembered the same things too, including the tape.

JNChell,

You’re still here.

   Yes, I still am. Less than before for right now as I'm going through my own stuff. You may have read about my "Wool gathering."

. I don’t know that I’ll ever reach the point where you and several others are through this. It just doesn’t feel that way.

Feelings are so very powerful. They hold us and tell us things that aren't always true. I can see how far you've already come, and you are doing so much better than you were when you first came here. Sometimes the intensity of what we are going through causes us to think that we are getting worse, but it's not the case. Everything is just all shaken up and you are seeing it more clearly.

Keep hanging on JNChell. One day at a time, one step at a time. It's worth the journey to find out who God made you to be from long ago, and nothing can ever take that away.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hi, Wools.  

I have read “Gathering Wool”. 34 years is a very long time. I’m sorry that you’re having to navigate your way through such a difficult situation.  I’m glad that you’re finding the necessary support to keep things moving forward. I imagine that anticipation is a factor for you right now, but I’m only speculating. You know, when I showed up here, I wasn’t able to sit back and see the struggles of others. I could only see my own. I was boxed into my own suffering. You’ve been going through a really profound ordeal and have been been a huge presence of support at the same time. I’d like to say thank you for that. Your strength is more than commendable. It’s a shining example. You’ve got a lot of grit, my friend.

Feelings are so very powerful. They hold us and tell us things that aren't always true.

This is so very true and, for me, hard to remember in the moment. I’ve done a lot of listening to lectures about the human brain the last couple of days and how the different parts of it process information and the timing of any given transaction. Going a little deeper, if I’m understanding correctly, our brains can be in conflict with themselves. I guess that I’m getting away from the subject so I’ll get back on track. It’s just been something I’ve been thinking about. Feelings.

Thank you for the reassurance. My T has consistently told me that I will feel worse for a while in the healing process. As you’ve said, everything is at the surface right now. It does feel really bad, but I’m aware of what is happening and I’m ok. They’re just unprocessed feelings/events. I’m safe and I’m ok. I just have work to do.

Wools, I’m glad  to know about the progress that you’re making. Myself, and many others, are proud of you and are supporting you through your situation. Now, with that being said, I expect a nice wool sweater eventually. I’m a size large these days. 

Thanks for being here.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey JNChell, 

Thank you for your kindness and kind words. Truly.   I think it's pretty normal when we are first here and when we are 'second' and even 'third' here that we need each other.   I'm trying to say that at first we are super needy, but that neediness ebbs and flows. Sometimes we need others a lot, sometimes we can help others. It's okay wherever you are. It's not wrong to have needs. Now that's a shocking thought!

(I think I need to preach to the choir here and remind myself as well.)

Now about that sweater you mentioned... .When I saw my nephew's size 15 feet, I told him I won't ever make him handknitted socks! It just might take me the rest of my life to get that project done, if I ever start. ; ) I did buy some black wool recently, shorn from the sheep this past fall. I like the smell of it, sheepy, and I can feel the lanolin when I touch it. Then when I wash it, It poofs up into such a lovely springy fleece to spin. 

 
Wools

[JNChell]

wools, Harri, Turkish and Kwamina, I’m feeling pretty needy lately, and contributing less. I don’t know how to state how I feel without sounding like a victim. I’m in a weird place. I’m growing tired of it. I feel like I’m in the muck. It feels like hell. It’s at the surface now. It wasn’t during my 20’s and 30’s. These feelings are intense and daily. I’m not asking for advice. I already know it. I’m not asking for validation. I know what I need to know. I just needed a place to say it.