I don't know if i can handle distortions-please help

[truthbeknown]

My udBPD partner and I have been on a "break" since our last conversation.  We don't live together because we are in a LDR.  I had asked for a "cool off" period of a few days because in our last conversation she was going into "attack" mode and was so angry at me that she started devaluing me and would not stop.  She spoke for 30 minutes before allowing me to talk.  There was so much pent up anger.  I don't think it was all about me but I was on the receiving end for sure.  She responded to asking for a few days with asking for even more days.  So tonight was supposed to be the night for us to get on video chat and talk again (btw we were video chatting last time too). 

I have been reading about attachment theory stuff and it suggests that if someone is the type to pull away it may not be a good idea to react by pulling away as well.  They say insecure attachment types expect things to go wrong so therefore they don't expect their partners to try and repair.  So the strategy is for the "non" or more secure person to be the one to offer or lead with relief first.  I am not sure whether this strategy will work or not but I did reach out yesterday to try and connect.  I felt like if I didn't then it would make me more adversarial when re-connecting tonight.

So I kept things neutral and she agreed not to talk about anything deep.  The first 30 seconds on video she had her "mad" face on.  I started with general conversation about asking her how she was etc.  She responded rather reserved etc.  Then I smiled and her Mirror Neurons kicked in and she smiled back.  Then like a light bulb switch going on she was back to her old happy smiley self.  We had a light conversation and then I had to go to get ready for work. 

She called me after work and we video chatted some more.  Everything was fine until I said goodbye and that I had to go so I could get to sleep (I could barely keep my eyes open).  She started grilling me about what we are going to talk about tonight (the original re-connection extension that she had asked for).  I said that I didn't have a specific agenda and lets just connect and then figure it out from there.  She insisted that I tell (like I was keeping something from her).  She told me that since I initiated the "cool off" period I should be the one to have reflected on things and tell her what I have decided or come up with.   I felt like I was back to the circular conversation that caused me to say I needed a few days.  Last Saturday she would not defocus off of something that she had distorted or created a new memory about and after 3 hours of not feeling like she was understanding my perspective I realize now I was Jading (without knowing).  So now that I have read about Jading I still don't know how I'm going to approach the conversation if she wants me to defend myself about something I didn't even do wrong.  I was hoping SHE would reflect but she seems to be framing this as all responsibility on me to "fix" the relationship or prove that I want her.

If the conversation has all these expectations it seems like we will go right back into the circular conversation from Sat and I don't know if I can handle the stress of her wanting me to defend myself but then when I do becoming angry.  I don't know my way around the double bind and I'm looking for any tips or experience dealing with this.

I don't want to match her "black and white" behavior but I'm challenged to not get sucked into fighting back if i'm put in a corner and if she starts telling me i'm the reason the relationship isn't working or its all my fault.

thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi truthbeknown,

She spoke for 30 minutes before allowing me to talk.  There was so much pent up anger.  I don't think it was all about me but I was on the receiving end for sure.  She responded to asking for a few days with asking for even more days.  So tonight was supposed to be the night for us to get on video chat and talk again (btw we were video chatting last time too).  

Nice going with using the tools like not JADE'ing   I'd space out the conversations, she's pent up or maybe she is emotionally dysregulated and she's directing it at you because you're close to her, you're tempered. I'd suggest to give her space to self sooth for 24 or 48 hours before trying to talk about this again.  To catch her in a different mood if she's dyregulated the reptilian part of her brain is reacting.

I had asked for a "cool off" period of a few days because in our last conversation she was going into "attack" mode and was so angry at me that she started devaluing me and would not stop.

You might need to validate this, if she's in attack mode she's hurt, she probably feels rejected and maybe her abandonment fears are triggered. I get it, if you're SO is being too clingy and you want some space, it's understandable. She may be thinking that there's something about her that you don't like or you don't like her period and that you'll break-up with her. I'd try to validate that statement.

[truthbeknown]

mutt:

I did talk to her last night and I did some things that the resources talk about and although I didn't see this until now I did validate her.  But there became a back and forth about some topics because I was trying to ask questions to stimulate her thoughts about things to think about later.  Some of that worked and some of that didn't.  What seems to make a shift is that at the end (or I thought the end) of our conversation she kept going back to what I said even though I validated her.  She wanted me to "retract" or take back the statement that I made on last Friday night.   I finally asked, "it seems like this is bigger then the marriage issue or me saying "lets see where this goes".  It feels like you view me differently then before.  I pointed out how who I am has not changed since we met.  I still have the same values and I still talk the same way and I still love her and want to be with her.  But it feels like there is something more- almost like you don't like about me all of a sudden.  I said, "what have done to cause that?"   

BAMM - she finally let it out!   "you complain too much".   "you're always talking about work and the characters there and it's the reason i don't talk to my cousin anymore."  "But the difference is she thinks everyone is below them and i know you don't but i still just feel like all you do is complain about work when we talk." 

That i could validate for sure.  I do tell her because i'm so sad that i finally got back into my career and landed or took a job with a man who has personality disorder traits.  The torment that i go through there is emense and I thought that she as my partner was understanding of what i was going through.  She had only recently said something about this before she picked a fight with me last friday and the big blow-up.  I had validated her then and course corrected and started asking her more about her day and not sharing so much about work.  She did validate this to me last night and yet i'm feeling hurt myself now about being compared to her cousin and also scared that if this is her personality then she has a hard time having compassion for those close to her and she tells herself that the other person has changed. 

So there is more to say but i have to run to work right now and i'll look for your comments later.  But the key is for me that once she let that out the anger just went out of her like a balloon but i'm now the one that feels conflicted because in my experience people who have her personality have a hard time changing it.  And i want someone in my life that is emotionally supportive to me/ for me when i'm insecure etc. 

more to say later if you'd willing to keep chatting about this.  thank you for listening and feedback.

[Mutt]

And i want someone in my life that is emotionally supportive to me/ for me when i'm insecure etc. 

I’m sorry if she’s not more understanding about what you’re going through at work. That’s tough when you have a coworker or a boss with a personality trait.

I wouldn’t suggest to nit talk about it but I would suggest to spread it around with different if you don’t already do that. Talk about it with different people go to your family and friends.

It can depend on what the other person is going through or you don’t want to add to much stress. I can tell if my issues start to get in the way of my r/s, my gf is supportive but if I’m going through some complicated things and I keep going to her it’s going to be hard on her if she takes it on.

Talk to a T or a P and talk about it with different family members and friends so that the load is spread out. It also helps to get different opinions or perspectives someone might have a really good idea and the next person thinks differently and sees something that the first person didn’t see, you’ll be able to see all of different angles of the issue that you’re having.

You can start a discussion here too about the person at work with PD traits and we’ll help you.

With the back and forth in mind, it takes two to tango it takes one to stop the conflict. Say things once or twice but don’t go beyond that. A pwBPD will try to bait you sometimes and you feel bad at the end of that or emotionally distressed because nothings gets solved it just continues this cycle of conflict.

Keep this in mind also when you feel it’s starting to go back and forth it about to. Don’t JADE Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain conflict needs to have some else participating in it you can’t argue with if you give the other person nothing.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[truthbeknown]

thanks Mutt:

she has been back to her old self today and texted me and said, "i know you don't feel safe with telling me things but i want to earn your trust back.  I will tell you if it's too much for me.  I love you and want to work things out." 

I got emotional reading this because it all sounds good but i'm afraid when the "beast" comes out again then she'll use it against me again.  And if i hold back she's going to feel rejected.  What a double bind.

As far as the work issues.  how do i start a thread here? i don't see anything listed for dealing with NON romantic relationships and will it get much traction because of that?

thank you

[Mutt]

You’re not split black which is good. I can relate with wondering when things would slide again. Maybe there will be more stability in the future, i can’t promise that but if you try the tools they should work and if theyre nit working in specific situations then there’s nothing that you can do - you tried.

You can start a new thread on this board it’s all interpersonal r/s’s we’ve had members discuss coworkers in the past.

[truthbeknown]

Mutt:
as far as an update on the girlfriend,  she was treating me with kid gloves and being very loving and compassionate and even talked with me most of the way on a 5 hour drive that i had to my Mom's.

She sang songs to me and was generally back to her loving self until she asked me what i was going to do while at my mom's.  I mentioned that i might go line dancing and she got very upset over that.  She didn't like the thought of me dancing with someone else (which i didn't say that i would).  But when she grilled me philosophically on whether i was okay with her dancing with someone else if she went out- I told well i would be a hypocrit if I'm going to go dancing and try to control what you do. 
She kept saying "so you're okay with me with dancing with another man".   I started to feel my insecurity kick in as she framed it with that tone of voice.  I could see how she wanted me to feel like she was feeling.  I have talked to her about enmeshment in the past.

It turned into an hour conversation about that but then we recovered.  Then she went into her story, "maybe my wounds are too much for you."   So we talked about what support we could get. 
She even mentioned emotional acupuncture and hypnosis.  I thought we were on to something. EVerything seemed like it was going to be okay.  Then i went to say goodbye.  She got upset that i said, "i'm almost there and have to get off the phone right now."  She said, "it doesn't feel right ; it feels off to me that you're going before you have even arrived. I gave you companionship for the ride and now you're not even at your destination and you're saying you have to go."    I was taken back but not shocked because i have been here before with her.  She is hyperfocused on many things i say or do now it's getting very uncomfortable.

I told her today that maybe we she just be friends because it may be too stressful for me to continue this because she needs security in a relationship partner (emotionally) and so do I. 

This may have been too factual and too truthful but I seriously am having problems going from the high of the connection with her to the low or switching to me doing something wrong because she is stressed.  It's sad but i have been here before and i don't think i can handle it again?

When i mentioned the above things she said that she needs to get help and she wants to look into some things.  She said that she wants to be with me and wants to work on herself and the relationship.  I don't know if i trust this? It sounds good but i'm running out of emotional energy.  I feel my energy pulling away because i not only am getting this from her but i'm getting it from a personality disordered boss (udNPD).