I am struggling with being involved with this person and understanding things

[East_Plastic]

 

I have been involved with this person since early October 2018, when we began spending time together at university. We gradually got closer and closer, and things progressed very quickly. We would spend a lot of time together, and she began spending time at my house which was very intimate and close. This was very regular, almost every weekend.

Problems began to arise when she would repeatedly state that she didn't want a relationship, was unable to provide one due to her unreliable nature, and also that she was terrified of being hurt/hurting someone else. She would state this often after periods of intense closeness between us, and would pull away for a couple of days or so, and then we'd get close again, and repeat.

In December, she told me that she no longer wanted to be involved with me, romantically. That the pressure involved in being with someone was making her anxious, and that she would prefer to be friends. This led to a period of us not talking for three weeks, due to conflict.

When we returned to university in January, we slowly began speaking again and ended up resuming our romantic involvement. We spent some time together for a couple of weeks, but now she appears to be pulling away and I am struggling with it.

I asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend and she said she wasn't interested in the thing I'd showed her. So I then just said well, really, I'd like to spend some time with you away from uni. To this, she replied that we spend a lot of our time together, that we need to do our own thing, that it's OK if we don't do something this weekend.

I don't disagree with what she said. What I suppose I am struggling with is the inconsistent nature of this all. I get used to being around her all the time, and suddenly I'm expected to withdraw and be fine with distance that's created by her. I feel unable to talk to her about how I am feeling, because she isn't always sympathetic, and I am often told to 'relax' or I am met with distance or, sometimes, a rude comment.

I find that I don't actually know what she wants, what her feelings are towards me, or where she sees this going. I don't know how to bring those things up with her, either.

As for leaving the situation, I know that I am not forced to stay in this, and that I cannot force someone to do what I want them to, but I realised that my feelings for her are very strong, now. She is all I think about, I care about her more than I have for anyone else, ever. Of course I don't want to simply step away from her because that will hurt. I find that I don't know what I am supposed to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi East_Plastic,


Thats gotta be tough to be in the position that you're in it sounds like you haven't been friendzone yet, don't get yourself friendzoned. I can see how the push / pull behaviour makes it difficult in a romantic r/s it sends mixed messages it's excruciating.

I feel unable to talk to her about how I am feeling, because she isn't always sympathetic, and I am often told to 'relax' or I am met with distance or, sometimes, a rude comment.

It sounds like she's invalidating you, I completely understand. You started this romantic r/s late last year she's clear when she says that she's unrealiable and scared of hurting you or getting hurt. She means that, what I would suggest for you to do is respect the distance that she wants right now which works for you, don't be chasing her, what I mean is don't be emotionally available for her like a bf would because it's not fair for you if she gets the benefits of a bf but doesn't have the r/s it gives her what she wants.

Are you in sports at uni or do you have hobbies?

[itsmeSnap]

Hey east plastic

I was in a "relationship" (on and off for two years) with a person with BPD, I'll share some of  what I've learned so far.

I don't disagree with what she said. What I suppose I am struggling with is the inconsistent nature of this all.

Insecurity in her (she told you herself she's unreliable) creates inconsistency, creates insecurity in you (does she even love/like me?) creates pressure ("I feel unable to talk to her about how I am feeling, because she isn't always sympathetic) increases insecurity in her ("I can't handle you right now! I'm terrified of hurting you!")

that she was terrified of being hurt/hurting someone else

It's a weird way to say she likes you too strongly that she can't handle it, makes sense?

I'm expected to withdraw and be fine with distance that's created by her

I feel you on this one, I've been exploring ways to handle their need for distance when things get overwhelming myself.

I don't want to simply step away from her because that will hurt. I find that I don't know what I am supposed to do.

You don't have to step away, and you agree that you can't be with her all the time either, you said it yourself.

I find that I don't actually know what she wants, what her feelings are towards me, or where she sees this going

So, you want reassurance. What kind of reassurance would you be willing to consider? would something like "not now, later. love ya" be enough or is there something in particular you have in mind?

Mutt's advice about availability is correct, you don't want to push her when she's not feeling receptive. It's about not making things worse first so you can make them better (if you still want to) in the future.

So how's university going? still have a few semesters ahead of you?