Absolutely Traumutized

[Tacotaters]

My first post here, hello everyone.

3 months out of r/s with dBPDex, I will quickly summarize. Met online 6 years ago, she flew out to meet me. I fell hard for her, was in a weird place in life recovering from a massive head injury that year and acting impulsively. I worked in the touring music industry, and having hit the winter down time, said screw it and took her invitation to move to her state (that I previously had lived in for 2 years of high school). We got pregnant immediately. She had just given her 2 yr old son to a family member to care for, saying he was the product of being raped by her exbf while being asleep on psych meds. She was using benzos/Adderall when I met her, I was an alcoholic. I quit drinking as soon as we found out we were having a baby, she also had her lease terminated by her landlord that month and we were homeless.

We took a bus to the neighboring state where my g parents lived to get our act together. I got a job and started saving money, she was determined to get her son back now from relative and flew out to do that and returned to me with him about 2 months later. My g parents didn't allow her back as she had burned that bridge while living there so we lived in a homeless shelter for 2 months until I saved up enough money to get us all back to her original home city and get a place.

Her son had major behavioral issues, but I loved him and treated him like my own immediately and we started our family, D was born later that year. We settled into family life, she had quit benzos etc when she found out she was pregnant. She received $1000/mo in disability and survivor benefits and at that time was diagnosed as bipolar rapid cycling. We had all the soulmate crap etc going on from the beginning, and bit by bit after the first year she started turning anger towards me etc.

We became more established, still in love and wanted another baby so we did 2 years later. One of the last times we had unprotected sex was followed by some very violent behavior from the son to the 1 year old daughter, and we both decided to hold off on another baby, too late 1 week later and the pregnancy test was positive. She was starting to frequently say she had no bond to son since he was her rapist's child and talked about moving him out again, I fought the idea without trying everything we could to correct his behavior with help. My name was put on his birth certificate that year (his father's never was) and I loved him, caring for him was a full time job though. I couldn't entertain the idea of working in the music industry at all, as he really required that much assistance and I couldn't leave town for a month at a time.

Things started getting bad right about then. dBPDex escalated things really bad a few times, smashed a $5000 guitar of mine, threatened to file a false assault charge and called the police after chasing me around the house etc. These things were always met with remorse later and her saying she was having an episode.

Shortly before new baby is born she starts talking about splitting up, saying she can no longer handle being a mother and needs to get into recovery etc but requiring me to sign over majority custody so she qualifies for a certain place to do it with the kids. I refuse for I think logical reasons, saying she is free to leave but I'm not signing over custody of the children to someone saying they can't care for them. Again these arguments come and go, she backtracks saying she was having an episode etc.

During the next year things with oldest son get much worse. Violent to daughter daily, and starts sexually touching her often without being able to be redirected not to. We have him hospitalized twice in that year for over month. First time he is diagnosed ASD, which we both knew all along and had met resistance from medical professionals up to that point diagnosing. During that year also, anger and rages increase against me from dBPDex, with a couple violent events. One being getting punched in the face and having her trying to steal my car (she didn't know how to drive) because I got sent home from work with diarrhea/vommitting her reason being mom's never get a day off. At the end of the after exhausting resources, in home therapy, meds we both make the decision for the son to go back down to live with the family member permanently. It was excruciating for me, I drove him for 3 days and cried the entire time. She had no bond with him at this point, again saying he looked like her rapist more and more every day.

The final year and a half of our relationship she got into therapy doing EMDR. She definitely had a traumatic upbringing (father dead at age 6, mother in prison age 15, foster care/hospitalization/first suicide attempt at age 10 I think) and very weak ties to any family. She had driven all of my family away at this point and I was in touch with none of them, defending her of course.

She was diagnosed with PMDD and started multiple psych meds again with some awful reactions. Had a hysterectomy to reduce PMDD symptoms/sterilize, recovery was awful afterwards and I lost my job due to her instability (2nd time this had happened). About 6 months ago at an ER visit for suicidal ideation she was given a BPD diagnosis (she had been to the ER for suicidal ideation about 6 times in 3 months, and beyond that constantly threatened/brought it up more often. Her therapist maybe never heard about the diagnosis, maybe did but dBPDex bragged that her therapist said she "was a miracle" given her upbringing that she didn't have a PD.

She started a trial of Lupron (6 months trial) to mimic menopause with the goal of having her ovaries removed to not have periods anymore. Her moods really were terribly worse with menses, there is something to the PMDD but it isn't everything. I just started touring again for the first time in years, with a very big band getting paid very well for a change, things were looking up. Haha.

After leaving on the first tour she started Lupron/started quitting all psych meds. Her behavior was distressing to say the least. She threatened to abandon the kids etc but would snap out of it within a few hours. The goal was to only tour until this winter off/on and get us out of debt to start our business we had been developing. I knew it was not permanently sustainable, and I didn't like being away from my kids even though I was doing a very fun and exciting job.

While working the Late Late show about 4 months ago I got a call from her screaming my ear off about leaving her to raise the kids etc and Paul McCartney popped his head in the green room, she was screaming non stop for minutes so loud everyone could hear and I hung up when Paul poked his head in, he was not a scheduled guest that day. Tried patching things up with her an hour later but something changed. After returning home a week later she started going out/not telling me where/blowing through all the money I was dropping in her account. I saw on Facebook she was willingly going to an event that a guy she had told me try to date rape her right before I met her was going to, when I questioned her I could see the explosions going off in her head. She then said she had started having an EA with him the day I hung up on her.

The next day she said she was having a psychotic episode due to the HRT she had just started in conjunction with the Lupron  and realized it. When she started her trial the whole family went in to her appointment and she told the doctor she was doing it to save our family. My one question to the Dr. was how fast she could respond to a problem with HRT, as she had a psychotic episode after taking progesterone to stop bleeding after the hysterectomy.

Right before leaving on last tour 3 months ago there were some distressing events. She was back and forth on threatening to leave, yet taking no steps to actually make it happen (blowing money like crazy etc). One night she trapped me in my car when I was going to run down the street to get her some Benadryl (she hadn't slept in like 3 days). When she did this, sitting behind the car after pounding on the windows, I questioned her. She had shown me a police report from her "rapist" ex hitting her with a car and I asked if it was because she did the same thing. She exploded in anger. A few weeks later she demanded I sign over the housing voucher I had just received into her name while putting a knife to her throat. When that didn't work she threatened to tell police I fought her, that's when I told her I was videotaping the whole event with my phone the minute she got the knife out. I called the police. Again, she went back and said HRT etc it was an episode. She demamded sex (kind of rough and kinky) the night before I left, all seemed okay. She was starting the progesterone part of her HRT that day and I told her I would be on high alert and basically ready to fly home if it got weird. It got weird.

She threatened to throw my indoor cat out day 2 on the road for having a case of diarrhea (caused by her giving it like a pound of raw catnip which I asked her not to do 20x). After arguing over it, she turned my cell phone off, it was her one bill that she was responsible/in charge of. She said r/s was over, I emailed a handful of times/sent flowers and told her I thought she was having a psychotic episode from the progesterone. She got a temporary order of protection against me.

When I get back to town, I lawyer up, gets delayed moved etc 2 months later we are in court and it is thrown out. She accuses me in court of sexually assaulting her multiple times over the years while on psych meds. That definitely never happened. She only took them for 1 yearish of our 6 year r/s and I never attempted to have sex if she was taking anything heavy. I'm destroyed by this, she claims the consumation of both our children were acts of rape now. She stormed out of court cursing the judge and said I could have full custody of the kids (age 5 and 2 now). CPS made the determination that night she is not to be unsupervised with them. She has posted things about me online, saying I have NPD and am psychotic etc.

We had our first custody trial and she was a mess. She asked for a no contact order, I agreed. I had reached out to her after the first trial to see where her head was at and said we needed to get on better footing to coparent our children effectively. She told the judge I was trying to re-establish a romantic relationship, I was not. I love this person with all my heart, but my head caught up finally when the TOP was filed.

My buddy saw her Tinder profile and sent it to me, she was literally asking for sex with any good looking person. After her refusing supervised visits with the kids for weeks I made the comment that she should care about them as much as her dating life. She has since switched the profile to saying she is celibate.

This is so long, and as i am sure most of you know it could/should be 100x as long. I'm leaving a lot out. I have the kids 7 days a week now, she is doing 2 visits a week with them and got her own place. I had to have her court order removed from the lease after the OP was dropped because she would not allow me or the children in the house even with sheriffs present. She was removed Christmas Eve.

I'm deeply traumatized and having a very hard time coping. I know my part in it, codependent to the max. That's my story guys.

[I Am Redeemed]

Wow, tacotaters, you certainly have been through it.   

Welcome to the board  I am sorry for what brought you here but glad you are reaching out.

That is certainly a very traumatic experience. I am glad you have your children with you. How are they holding up with all the drama and the changes?

Have you considered therapy for yourself and your kids? Many of us here have experienced trauma following these extreme behaviors in our relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD). I am currently in trauma focused therapy due to the abuse I experienced with my undiagnosed husband (separated, no contact, soon to be filing for divorce).

Detaching is a process, filled with ups and downs and lots of emotions. That can be especially hard when you are a single parent.

How can we support you best? Post more whenever you are ready. We are here for you.

Redeemed

[Mutt]

Hi Tacotaters,

Im glad that you decided to join us. I’m sorry that you’re going through. Wow that’s quite the story.

When I get back to town, I lawyer up, gets delayed moved etc 2 months later we are in court and it is thrown out. She accuses me in court of sexually assaulting her multiple times over the years while on psych meds. That definitely never happened. She only took them for 1 yearish of our 6 year r/s and I never attempted to have sex if she was taking anything heavy. I'm destroyed by this, she claims the consumation of both our children were acts of rape now.

Why would she be wanting to give the kids to someone that raped her. It’s blame shifting to absolve herself for the responsibility of the kids. BPD is a persecution complex where the person truly believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others and not because of their actions and choices.

A pwBPD will usually cast themselves in the role of victim and sometimes shift over to the role of savior and rarely in the role of the persecutor. A pwBPD will cast others in the role of persecutor and sometimes in the role of savior. If you pay attention you’ll see this theme often, it creates drama and shifts the blame. Saying that you’re a rapist after all of the things that you’ve done for and take care of her kids that she’s not taking care of is really ungrateful.

A lot of us get here with so much to say because we couldn’t tell anyone it helps to get your story out it’s a part of the healing process. It helps to talk to others that have walked a mile in your shoes. How is watching the kids full time? Do you get time alone? Are you still on the road? If I read your post correctly there’s a no contact order in place right? Hang in there.

[Tacotaters]

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. It does feel good to get my story out, and is actually shocking to read it myself. I have lost myself to this person for so long. As I'm sure both of you know it wasn't all bad, she was a person I did love for many reasons and it very talented in many ways.

Our daughter started therapy (age 4) after we sent the older brother away to deal with her own trauma from his physical/sexual abuse. The therapist was the same one as dBPDex was receiving EMDR from. dBPDex stopped seeing her when I started touring again this year as did my daughter. I reached out to her after the TOP was filed to fill her in planning to get D5 back with her ASAP. Since then, dBPDex has started back with the therapist, who she said in court has helped her realize now that I sexually assaulted her etc so she will no longer be D5's therapist. I had thought that dBPDex maybe had discussed things going on in our relationship with the therapist honestly, but now realize she was probably just/is going and spinning yarns about her victimhood for sympathy and has her completely fooled. I am getting insurance figured out and want us all to receive therapy.

I no longer believe the story of S7's father's rape given what I know now. It sounds like she threw him out like me and he just headed for the hills out of state and didn't look back. According to her family (which has been trying to maintain contact with me until dBPDex specified for that to cease in NC order), the allegation of rape didn't even surface until S7 was a year old. It doesn't speak to his character to have no involvement with his kid but I get it now too, she is hell-bent on destroying me through any means necessary. I love my children with all my being, but I wish there was nothing tying me to this person so I could run far away and never look back also. I can't see how these children will be treated any differently now that I am rapist, my S2 is the spitting image of me in all ways. I also can't share that type of sentiment, D5 is the spitting image of dBPDex in all ways and despite everything that person has/will put me through I can't imagine it affecting my relationship with D5 in any way, I can't relate now that I am in a similar position.

I am beyond shellshocked, the revision of history hurts my mind body and soul. The court proceedings have been mind bending and 100% lies. Things as simple and provable as saying I didn't support her in getting her driver's license (I paid for her permit 3x, took her on her first lessons personally and watched our children/arranged my work schedule while she took approx 10 lessons before quitting, all of which she flat out said never happened in court).

I don't think touring is going to be an option at all, which is unfortunate (I had to cancel months of it to deal with this) for my kids/finances, it's what I am most skilled at (I am a guitar technician, very limited skillset but I am very good at it) and could at least sporadically make a ton of money which does afford great stability and opportunities. The reality is I almost always worked evenings etc so I could handle things during the daytime with the kids so this hasn't been that drastic of a change for me, not to say dBPDex didn't do anything (she was an absolutely fantastic cook and prepared 90% of meals) but I was the only one driving for starters, and the only one not running out the front door/jumping out of the car randomly threatening suicide so you can probably fill in the blanks.

The kids are doing okay, they miss their mom/family unit. She gets to show up for a couple hours a week at this point and load them with sweets/not have to deal with anything real and seem like a hero.

It's nice to know there are listening ears and hearts out there. I am working through my own part in this already. I was attracted to someone thinking I could "help" them and having sympathy and that is a toxic and inappropriate place to get involved. Of course that wasn't the only thing, she is a very talented writer (writing about past victimization that probably never occurred) a very talented photographer etc and fascinated me.

[I Am Redeemed]

Who supervises the visits? Is there still a NC order in place?

Not sure how she can control whether or not you communicate with her family. Your children are their family too, it's not like you are trying to contact her through her family.

She may seem like a hero now, but that is likely to change once the kids get older and begin to connect the dots.

Do you have any family support? How is your relationship with your grandparents?

Sorry for all the questions, I am just trying to get a better picture of your situation.

Redeemed

[Tacotaters]

I will also note, I had an opportunity pop up to actually play music with a very old friend that could be lucrative. I have been playing guitar like crazy, lots of emotional inspiration really far more than ever but my headspace is so fried right now I don't know if I can pull it together to make it happen. It's potentially a huge opportunity and the music is flowing but I am absolutely 100% fried right now mentally. The head and heart really are two separate things, this experience keeps teaching me that.

I am just going to keep writing, I'm glad there is this community. I have been reading for a couple months now and just need to keep letting it out. There are so many similarities in stories it is bizarre this shared experience we all have. I need to move past my own "victimhood" here, I had an equal part in this disaster and I need to continue striving to own that and accept that.

[Tacotaters]

Hey Redeemed, she specifically asked for no contact with her family in the NC. They started reaching out to me when this all started going down (she hasn't allowed me to know them the whole time, they're a abusers you know!)

There is a center that supervises the visits, they're great. The judge did say though one month of supervised visits going successfully and she will get the kids every other weekend unsupervised, which is kind of terrifying to me at this point.

I luckily have a pretty supportive family. Unfortunately my dad died 10 years ago, he was a hell of a man (a book on ethics was written posthumously by his friends/colleagues and he was the literal example used in the book if that says anything). Through this, I have connected the dots on how similar dBPDex and my mother are. Freudian I know, but it's the truth. I was very conditioned for this. She is very generous to the kids but it comes with an abusive price, I have been trying to get her and I to do therapy together to improve our relationship since this all started. Luckily my sisters are pretty damn stable and getting involved, unfortunately none of them live anyplace close.

[Tacotaters]

Redeemed, also her mother got in contact with me via Facebook after the TOP was filed. According to dBPDex she was the source of all of her trauma in life. Last year her mother got in touch with ex and gifted her $10,000 with no expectations and I started to question the narrative and encouraged her to attempt reconciliation of it felt right. Her mother's first message to me was that dBPDex contacted her blaming her for filing the TOP and she wanted me to know she had nothing to do with it and her daughter is psychotic.

We got to know each other and she does not appear to be a monster. I let her video chat and meet her grandchildren for the first time after many positive conversations and she just want to be a grandma and tell them that she loves them and buy them presents, normal stuff. She has been very level headed in all my interactions and although she has expressed it's hard for her to do, she knows I'm a better/more stable parent than her own daughter and doesn't feel she should be parenting the children unless she completes DBT/shows improvement etc.

[I Am Redeemed]

One month? That's it? That would be terrifying for me too.

Currently I have no contact with my uBPDh. I am going to file for divorce soon and I don't know what to expect as far as visitation with our s3. I believe he will have to do supervised visitation due to the history of violence, but the thought that I may have to deal with him getting my son unsupervised in the future is scary.

At least at the center, a third party is supervising and I would imagine they are making notes about her mental state, interaction with kids, etc.

I'm sorry you are experiencing the "fried mind" and it is interfering with your work, especially such a unique career. It's good that you are still able to write and play music, though. Many of us lose ourselves so completely in these relationships. In the aftermath it can be hard to find yourself again, to do the things you used to love. It can also be hard to make decisions and focus on work. That is one benefit of therapy; I have a safe place to let out all the emotions and work through all the stuff I did not process during the chaos and abuse.

In the beginning of going NC, my anxiety was so high I could barely focus on anything but getting through the day. That has receded a bit. I am coming steadily out of the fog and it is hard for me to believe some of the things that I tolerated. I have been able to undo some of the gaslighting and see how my emotions were manipulated.

Hang in there, it does get better. I hope you are able to get into therapy soon, and your kids as well. It is a great help to build a strong support system.
I am glad you have some family members that are supportive, even if you don't live close. Sometimes having someone just to call and talk to is a great help. These relationships can be isolating because not many people have experienced this issue, and it can make you feel like you are going crazy.


Redeemed

[Tacotaters]

Thank you again for your thoughtful response Redeemed. I too feel like am just making it through the days. I'm trying more and more to get the kids out doing fun stuff etc but honestly feel a lot like dBPDex is probably in a better state of mind than me due to the lack of conscience/reality about everything that has happened and is happening. She is like an Energizer bunny fueled on a false narrative to destroy me when I have done 180° opposite of everything she says. She feels like she is gaining

Again, I realize my part in this for even allowing it to happen at all and asking for it to continue. I thought myself a good person for excusing all of her abusive acts in the past relegating it to temporary symptoms of her mental illness, and not holding it against her (that would ablism, right?). There are no medals to be won there I see now, nothing to gain but a greater level of abuse. I know they justify consciously/unconsciously (it really doesn't matter) our acceptance of that behavior as the reason we are not valuable. There is truth in that as hard as it is to swallow.

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes, there is some truth in it, which makes the catch 22 all the more maddening.

Tolerating abuse and having poor boundaries are not healthy, that is true. Most of us get caught up in trying to prove that we love this person, we are not like the others who hurt them, left them, mistreated them. We think if only we show more compassion, more patience, more support, this person will grow to trust us and see how much they are loved.

But the disorder prevents that, and slowly we tolerate more and more unacceptable behavior, making concessions and believing this person just needs help. Some of us have felt that we were responsible for protecting our pwBPD from himself or herself, and in the process we forgot to protect ourselves or our children.

After all that, to be devalued for being "weak", to be devalued by the person who mistreated us for allowing them to treat us that way is just absolutely maddening beyond belief.

As for your pwBPD being in a better state of mind... .I don't know. Different, certainly. But better?

Put it this way... .is it better (or less painful) to be caught up in such distorted thinking, filled with resentment and perceptions of persecution by others, wallowing in victim status, living in denial, battling feelings of core toxic shame... .or... .

Facing reality on its terms, whether painful or not. Attempting to process, not mask or project, negative feelings. Knowing and acknowledging areas where you fell short, and finding ways to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Embracing healing, experiencing real love for your children. Having a chance to come out stronger, wiser. Being brave enough to end the dysfunction. Reaching out for help, instead of pushing everyone away.

I would say, between the two of you, yours is the better state of mind... .because you have hope.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Hey there, Tacotaters. I’m sorry that you had to find us, but am certainly glad that you did. It sounds like you’ve been through an emotional wringer. Disordered folks aren’t easy to navigate. It’s like walking blind in a wind storm. The thing is, is that you’ve already identified something that is very important while connecting the dots here. You’ve noticed that you were attracted to your ex because of the dynamic between yourself and your mother. Maybe this shouldn’t be your main focus right now, but I just wanted to give you the proper kudos for recognizing this.

I’ve never reached the levels that you have, but I’m a music man as well. There are several of us here. I’m glad to hear that you have that to turn to for an outlet.

I know that you have a lot to process on the fly, but do you have a solid idea as to what your plans are when it comes to the big picture of everything? What I’m asking is what do you want to see happen here? What does an ideal outcome look like for you and the kids? I’ll also encourage you to visit our Family Law board. The folks there are solid on the topic. Here’s a link. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Remember to take care of yourself throughout this ordeal. This community is open 24/7. Glad to have you with us.