Coping through divorce from a BP husband

[Dulce]

Hi. This is my first post. I left my husband two months ago in a rush, not understanding what was underlying his abusive behavior. Eventually, it was my divorce attorney that suggested my husband has BPD. I didn't know what the term meant, other than it was a catch-all for problematic personalities - then I talked to my own therapist who provided me with several books to read. The behavior describes him exactly. Now I am coping with the aftermath of "abandoning" him. His communication to me can be relentless and derailing. I can't give him the comfort he wants. He'll text me a "business question" about selling our house and then slip in a line to me: "I don't understand how you say YOU are suffering, YOU'RE the one who left me [if you would just come back]... ."  How do you manage communication with a BP to get through divorce and remain whole? We have to work together to dissolve the marriage. I still love him, I just can't live with him.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dulce, Welcome!  You have come to a great place where many of us have been through a divorce from a pwBPD, so you are not alone.  Concerning ongoing communication needs, I would suggest that it's a question of Boundaries (See: Tools, above).  In other words, it's up to you to determine how much or how little you hear from him, or how often.  No, you didn't "abandon" him so try to avoid the guilt over a necessary step.  How long were you married?  Do you have children?  Fill us in when you can.

LuckyJim

[radoe]

Hang in there you are not alone.

We have all suffered.

It sounds like you are taking car of yourself, that is really important.

Perhaps if he gets help that will help both of you.
Does he know what his condition is?
Does he accept the diagnosis?
Does he want to change?

If he starts moving in a corrective direction your life will be easier.

[Barnabus]

My situation is similar. She forced me out after she left twice and now the story that she tells is that I left her, I've gone crazy, and she wants to reconcile. I know this is utter nonsense because I have tried for YEARS to make this r/s work - zero help from her. I didn't understand what was happening either until months after we were separated, and after much prayer, reading, youtube, etc. realized that she has strong characteristics of BPD with some "covert" NPD (which I didn't even know either of those existed).

We are several months into the divorce process with her stonewalling any attempt at progress towards actually finalizing the divorce.

Frustrating is a gross understatement about how these relationships play out. I'm just trying to take the high road and hopefully all her lies and made up stories/theories will eventually be exposed. It has made a real mess with 4 adults kids who believe her narrative to some degree.

[Barnabus]

One other thing - she insists that all of our marital problems are 100% my fault. That is really hard to swallow.

[Dulce]

Barnabas, radoe, Lucky Jim -
I apologize for the time that has passed since I received your supportive replies. It's now been three months since I left my BP husband. We were dating six years, the last six months married and living together. This was the second marriage for both of us, our first marriages were over several decades long.

I am not able to have a no-contact situation with him because of financial issues and selling our house. It's been like a roller-coaster in our communication. He is constantly pressuring me. A harmless business question turns into a conflict - he begs me to come back, he threatens me, berates me, threatens suicide, he confesses great love for me, courts me, then he cycles through it all again.

To his credit he enrolled in a 10-day outpatient program for anxiety (no diagnosis of BP). He was great during his treatment, enthusiastically texting me his progress and I was very supportive. But now that he doesn't have the daily counseling, he has returned to blaming me - "it's my fault," he said,  "all he did was say mean things to me and threaten divorce several times, shouldn't the fact that he stayed with me through my cancer proved his love - it's actions, not words that count." Well, actions managed to  create chaos in our family life, turn his three kids into "yes" robots and destroy my self-esteem through a slow burn of coercion, criticizing my decisions, my friends, my activities and my grown children. Re-writing my personal narrative and distorting my reality.

In our current communication I measure every word, so now he accuses me of being cold and calculated. I've been in emotional agony for months - leaving him is the hardest thing I have ever done (and I've lived through some difficult things). But two days ago I turned the corner, after much therapy, reading, talking to friends and, oddly enough, watching the 1944 movie "Gaslight". I realized that there is no hope, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I am suffering because I love him and don't want to hurt him, but it has occurred to me that I don't know who I love. The guy who made me feel so loved and appreciated when were dating? The guy who says he will be better in the future? The guy that didn't run when I got cancer? The guy that says he worries that I won't be able to afford health insurance without him? I can't find the real guy in there. It's awful to come to this realization, I've tried so hard... I was the caretaker, the peace-maker... the emotional slave.

Right now I need real-world help with the actual words to say to him when he pressures me for answers to his questions. For instance tonight he asked me, "are you going to continue paying your half of the mortgage after the divorce?" and when I didn't answer he says, "I feel you are disrespecting me, I need an answer." I don't want to answer because this will all be decided in the settlement. Again, damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Any advice on what words to use would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Baglady]

Hi Dulce,

Hugs to you 

I won't go into my sorry saga but suffice it to say that I've been there, done that and got the the t-shirt.  So much of what you have written resonates with me.

I'm a year out now and I have to communicate with my exBPDh regarding co-parenting our teen son.  I've learned to communicate with him only via text or email and to be as brief and to the point as possible (BIFF - which I think stands for Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly -  but not sure if this is correct?).  I am gray rock, emotionless and as brief and to the point as possible in my written communications.  I sometimes feel like a robot.  Like you I am by nature a people-pleaser, caretaker and peacemaker who values communicating warmly and authentically with people in my life.  I have had to learn how to completely switch off this side of me when communicating with my ex.  At times, it feels so foreign and rude of me when I ignore large swathes of his communications and only cherry pick the actual factual information to respond to.  I do not respond to any phone calls (I listen to them to make sure that it isn't an emergency situation re: my son but I delete them otherwise). 

This is truly the only way that works going forward. I would suggest that you also rope your lawyer into the situation and maybe he/she could serve as a middleman of sorts allowing you to only address those concerns that actually need to be addressed to move your divorce forward?

Much love to you, this is a difficult road with many twists and turns.  I'm still very much finding my way through the thicket of it all.

Warmly,
B

[GaGrl]

If at this point you are still receiving communications unrelated to your settlement, it may be time to have your lawyer take over all settlement communications. That way, you don't get into a communication purportedly about the house, say, only to have it ever into blame and disparagement.

 "Going forward, all communications related to our settlement need to be routed to my lawyer."

[Dulce]

Baglady, thank you so much for the reply! It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. And to know that you have survived a year out and are using a successful communication approach that is working for you. It's like using a new foreign language on someone you love. But is very helpful to me and I will follow your advice. As you said, we are people that "value communicating warmly and authentically with people in [my] our life." Not being able to be open and easy with my husband is very difficult, I feel like I am being manipulative, but I realize now that I must avoid adding fuel to his fire and open myself up for more abuse. Thank you so much for your support, advice and inspiration!

Gagrl, thank you for your advice on what to say so I don't get sucked into more berating by way of his pressing questions. I have been hesitant to turn communication over to the attorneys because my husband keeps telling me that they are the necessary enemies and the only ones to gain (money) in this by giving them too much power.  Well I see now that HE is giving them the power by not being able to work a collaborative divorce. He is using the settlement as an emotional bargaining chip. Every month we've been separated he's pressured me for half of the mortgage of house I don't live in, becasue I'm the bad guy that left... I need to shed this guilt and let the attorneys do their jobs... It's exhausting.

[Dulce]

I don't know why my last post has a strikethrough line through most it... I must have hit a wrong button? Not intentional!