Just three months ago found that my wife has BPD

[SomethingHasToGive]

Hi Everyone,
Took a lot of self deliberation to finally write this post. I probably will not have anything new to say here but i would like to share my story and say thanks and look for some guidance.

I am M28 and my wife M26, been married for 1.5 years and staying together for about 2 years. She was diganosed with BPD about 3 months ago and now we can see all the things that have happened in the past from a very different point of view. There were a lot of fights on and about anything. She have reacted at the tiniest things. We have fought for hours and hours. She would keep questioning me about things continously. She would blame me for everything and on the other hand i have had the most wonderful times with her. I have grown so much as a person have been able to identify and deal with many of my personal issues as well. I was addicted to Pornography and thanks to her support i have been sober for almost 1year 6months.

The biggest problem that i am facing is that i just feel like i can't do anything right since i keep triggring her. It seems like i just a walking, talking pile of triggers. Now i understand that she gets triggered because of BPD but in that moment when she is saying something to me, we are having a mini argument, i can't stop feeling that no matter what i do i am wrong and i can't do anything right.

I have been reading 'I hate you don't leave me', we go for couple and individual therapy as well, but i don't know how to stop feeling this way so that i can't be supportive to my wife. Advices are welcome.

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[Q-DawgVFR]

Welcome and many of us here on the board know and understand the feelings of what you are going through.  You are not alone.

I am not sure I have much advice to offer, just a couple questions and share a bit of my experience.

Knowledge is power and at least you have some idea what you are dealing with early on.  I knew something wasn't right (similar problems early on in the relationship after we were married: we've been married over 16 years now) but it wasn't diagnosed until less than two years ago (she is high functioning, at least when she's on meds.)

Which brings me to a question: Is your wife medicated, and if so, has it helped much?  My experience is that finding the right medication(s) can be a tedious process and take some time.  There was a lot of trial and error, especially without having a diagnosis in our case.

For us, having her on medication helped a LOT with the hair trigger and level of reaction out of her.  It was the difference between unbearable vs semi-reasonable interaction with her.  I doubt our marriage would have lasted 3 years without her being on some sort of meds.  She would cry and rage at the drop of a pin.  It made zero sense.

I used to verbally engage a lot more with my wife in sparring matches when we disagreed earlier in R/S, but that has changed over the years.  

Whether your wife works on herself or not, you can both individually work on communication skills, active listening, a host of other relationship skills that therapy, counselling can teach, or even picking up the skills online in wonderful places like this forum, where I have already learned much.

There are some good books on BPD, and being a supporting family member or spouse.  I first suspected my wife had BPD after reading the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells." As many on here have.

Maybe not a ton of helpful advice I have offered but hopefully its a starting point.

Anyway, even though you may have triggered her, and you may not be a perfect person, you CAN do things right, and there are ways to improve your interaction with her.

Hope to hear more from you, as there's a lot of people here who care and want to help others.

[SomethingHasToGive]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's the experience that I have read here that have helped me be better with my reactions and not personalize everything but its a slow and tiring process.
Yes she is on medication and as you said its a long process to find the right one. I am trying to not personalize everything she says and get better with my communication hopefully incrementally i will be much better.

That's the next book i plan to read.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, SomethingHasToGive! I'd like to join Q-DawgVFR in saying welcome!

Many people here can understand where you're coming from. I know I have often felt like I can't do anything right, that anything I do or say will set my H off. But the tools you can learn here from fellow members and from the Tools bar at the top can help you navigate this tricky path more easily and can lead you and your wife to a better, healthier relationship (if that's what you want).

You say the biggest problem is that you feel you keep triggering her and you said you're trying to get better with your reactions. It is a slow process, as you said. Would you mind sharing what tools you've used and how you think they might be working (or not)?

[SomethingHasToGive]

Hey Ozzie101,

Individual therapy helps me a lot.  That's how i was able to find out that there is a belief that has set in me that "I am not good enough" and "I can't do anything right".  I get assigments by my therapist in structured and unstructured form.

Reading and Writing helps in bringing in more mindfullness.

One thing that i am trying is telling myself and even saying it out loud that its not my wife but her illness.

I have started to be less defensive. I had a tendancy to be cold and passive when we fought the frequency of that is reduced.

[Ozzie101]

I'm glad you're getting therapy. It's been helpful for me, too, and so valuable in staying grounded. That's great that frequency is being reduced. It usually takes small steps, but with persistence, it can pay off.

By being less defensive, are you being careful not to JADE? That's a trap I was falling into early on. Not easy breaking that habit!

[SomethingHasToGive]

Thanks for pointing out JADE. Did not know what it meant but after looking it up i can surely say that i do think it happens but I am conflicted after reading some suggestions like
"Instead, it is recommended that on any given issue, state your point of view once and once only. Provide any clarifications that are asked for. Anything more than this is likely to be counter productive."

Can you point me somewhere i can read up more clearly about it ?

[Ozzie101]

Have you looked at this thread here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

It was a workshop on the site and goes into a lot of detail.

Validation is also really key in communicating with pwBPD. This article talks a lot about that.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Are those helpful?

[Ozzie101]

You might also check out this thread, where there's currently a discussion going on about validation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333953.0

And feel free to post in other people's threads as well. That's part of what makes this community go around: supporting each other.

[Red5]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's the experience that I have read here that have helped me be better with my reactions and not personalize everything but its a slow and tiring process.
Yes she is on medication and as you said its a long process to find the right one. I am trying to not personalize everything she says and get better with my communication hopefully incrementally i will be much better.

That's the next book i plan to read.

A link to the entire book (audio/video), can be found here (all eight hours), bpdfamily.com > Community Built Knowledge Base > Library: Book Club, previews and discussions > Topic: 04. Stop Walking on Eggshells - Paul T. Mason MS

*Select (ALL), and then (Go Down)… the link is at the bottom, last post.

Safe Travels!

Red5

[SomethingHasToGive]

Thanks ozzie101 and red5 will go though and check out.

[once removed]

it sounds like the two of you engage in a lot of circular arguments... .the ones that go for hours, without resolution.

does that sound right? does this happen often?