"I feel like I've known you my whole life"...Now she is practically NC with me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mod note: This post was split off from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333994.0

I remember hearing… "I feel like I've known you my whole life"… "I feel safe with you"… "What have you done to me, I cant keep my hands off of you" (?)…

Later I heard, "I cant imagine life without you"… "I would be lost without you"… "You have to die after me, I don't want to be alone here without you" (?)…

… Now she is practically NC with me, says she does not know if she loves me anymore, and that she doesn't respect me… and doesn't trust me…

*Married for eight years, eleven years together*

~ "crazy making"! ~

Red5

[Red5]

Mod note: This post was split off from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333994.0

I remember hearing… "I feel like I've known you my whole life"… "I feel safe with you"… "What have you done to me, I cant keep my hands off of you" (?)…

Later I heard, "I cant imagine life without you"… "I would be lost without you"… "You have to die after me, I don't want to be alone here without you" (?)…

… Now she is practically NC with me, says she does not know if she loves me anymore, and that she doesn't respect me… and doesn't trust me…

*Married for eight years, eleven years together*

~ "crazy making"! ~

Red5

[crushedagain]

When I think of your situation, Red5, with her moving out and you not begging her not to go, etc., the old saying comes to mind:

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

That's about all I've got.

[Red5]

... .her moving out and you not begging her not to go, etc., the old saying comes to mind:

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

= numb... .“shock”

& freeze

Red5

[empath]

I just say... . "I'm confused... ."  

[Sandb2015]

Sorry Red5,

I ruminate also, it’s anxiety causing for sure.

These words are not unique by any means, they are unique to us in the most personal way.  Dreams feel jeopardized, real life safety, that comfort of holding this persons hand towards the end... .it sucks that that idea is in question.

Take care of yourself today, we don’t know about tomorrow.

Thinking and feeling is good, that’s life, do not dwell.

Scott

[Red5]

Take care of yourself today, we don’t know about tomorrow.

Thinking and feeling is good, that’s life, do not dwell.

You know, I’m under unbelievable crushing () expectations at “work”... .

Yeah, wow... .

They want it all tomorrow ha ha ha... .

Well, Red5 just saw the test set indications today, this afternoon... .and the program office is now saying... .the test set needs to be a calibrated measuring device, and it’s not... .

Bwahahaha!

Ok, .and “they” want to shoot missiles off the rail in two weeks... .using the checklist I’ve yet to write... .based off the source data I saw today... .in the back of an aircraft that fly’s away in the morning... .

“Cart Before the Horse”... .yet again... .SNAFU : )

No, I try my best not to dwell, .I’ve lots and lots to be “worried” about... .stress about, .even in my retired “job”... .I still thrive off of stress... .it is addicting... .

Seems my life is like a movie theater... .and in each cinema, there is an action movie or a love romance playing... .so take your choice... .you want a serotonin “fix”... .spend a day in Red5’s self inflicted life  !

I miss her so much, I guess I drove her quite crazy... .

As empath says... .“confused”... .

Red5
 

[crushedagain]

It's great that you thrive off of stress, Red5. I used to do well under the gun. Now, I can't handle it. Too much stress for too long has led to some sort of stress disorder, for me. Things I won't go into here... .

[Red5]

It's great that you thrive off of stress, Red5. I used to do well under the gun. Now, I can't handle it. Too much stress for too long has led to some sort of stress disorder, for me. Things I won't go into here... .

I was a squadron chain dragger/maintainer... .weapons systems for well over twenty years... .VMA & VMFA squadrons... .”in any clime and place”... .

Stress... .was like baby food for us... .and meanwhile, back at home... .the stories I could tell... .

As the years wore on, and the expectations outpaced the career, .the “stress construct”  became the mistress... .

Even at this late date of my life, retired from active duty, second marriage... .I still draw comfort from the mission... .ever active, and forthcoming... .even as a humble civil servant... .the phone still rings at all hours... .and I do enable this... .I encourage this... .I say... .“I’m here for the Marines, call me anytime Sir”... .and they do !

So the Corps is still my mistress, my ever faithful companion.

I used to say, “take care of the Corps, and the Corps will take care of you”.

So far so good, even as a retired Marine, in the civil service... .I still serve, .

I wish my marriage respected my ever endearing dedication to “her”... .

As we used to say amongst ourselves when a new commanding officer took the squadron, “leadership sets the tone”... .

As in a marriage... .the husband... .the “commanding officer”... .sets the tone... .leadership style... .example... .

Figure in BPD... .

Better know your “gouge”... .better be on your game... .

Red5

[Sandb2015]

Red5,

We know full well if it’s our game and we share a few things in common, we would win, not just win, complete domination.

It’s not necessary our game, we can control so many things, we are on it in every way wherever we are present.

It’s not our game, we are playing though, that’s for s h I t sure.

The time will come, enjoy little miracles.

I received a call from my love this afternoon, beautiful, wonderful, she was sharing many things that made me feel included as opposed to absolutely excluded. She said she missed me while her and her son spent time together, I thanked her.

Tomorrow, who knows... .I can’t control, I will take the opportunity to have her help herself when and if that time comes, can’t control that either.

Rules as we know them and live by them don’t apply here.

[I Am Redeemed]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Red,

It might help you to read this, or re-read it if you have already done it before. I just went back over it again and it helped me to get a little more grounded.

It's still sad, but seeing the pattern all laid out in this article helps me remember that it is a disorder. The relationship was never what I perceived it to be. It was never what he perceived it to be, either, and on top of that, neither of us experienced the relationship in the same way as the other.

It helps me to get perspective on just how much control I had over the course the relationship took over the years.

Take care, Red, and blessings to you and your son.

Redeemed

[mama-wolf]

I miss her so much, I guess I drove her quite crazy... .

As empath says... .“confused”... .

Thinking of you, Red5, and hoping you get some relief from this pain soon.  I know you have been through quite a journey already, and the path we are walking through detaching is a tortuous one.

Great reminder, Redeemed... .thank you for posting the link!

mw

[Mindfried]

Red5 I have heard the exact same words and more from my UDEXPPD. All words and no actions. Been 7 months since last contact. It was a major struggle in the beginning when she broke up with me for the final time but she had broken up and reconciled with me so many times I was numb to it. As  much as it hurt it was for the best. I finally have peace and no conflict in my life and am moving forward. If I can do it so can all of you.

[JNChell]

Hey, Red. If my memory serves me correctly, you had a thread a thread going about possibly starting counseling together with your pastor. Are there any new developments there?

I know this stuff is hard, man. I can really sense your uncertainty and confusion. The ruminations can really control our day as a result. As difficult as it can be, practicing Radical Acceptance can help to alleviate some of the acute feelings when they begin to become too much. I know that you’re a Christian and the Serenity Prayer comes to mind when reading about what you’re going through.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Hang in there. Sending peaceful vibes your way.

[Red5]

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Hang in there. Sending peaceful vibes your way.

Thanks JNChell,

Last time I spoke with the Pastor, he just said that he had called her back, and left a voice mail, which she responded to by text, don’t know what was said... .

He said he will keep engaged with her... .I’m glad she is coming back to church... .albeit a different service... .

I sent her a valentines card, she text me today and said “thank you for the card”.

I responded... .“I hope you have a wonderful day, Love Tim”... .

Patience and Prayer are my friends tonight,

Red5

[415]

"I cant imagine life without you" … "I would be lost without you" … "You have to die after me, I don't want to be alone here without you" (?) …

My wife said this almost word for word to me many times... .but then she left?  These are the memories that make it so incredibly strange and hard to come to terms with.

[Skip]

Red,

The cardinal rule of a successful reunion is that we come back with our own changes (e.g., learn the tools, understand the other person better, understand how we contributed to the relationship problems) and a renewed outlook on the relationship.

As yo are waiting, use your time wisely,

Skip

[Red5]

*... .we come back with our own changes.

*... .learn the tools, understand the other person better, understand how we contributed to the relationship problems.

*... .a renewed outlook on the relationship.

*... .use your time wisely.

Going to give it my best shot Skip, .and add to the above list... .“patience”.

Red5

[Skip]

Now is the time to do that work... .not when she comes back.

Do the self inventory. Learn the tools. Role play past problems and how to hendle them.

Don't wait until she is back to start learning.

[Red5]

Don't wait until she is back to start learning.

It is all consuming right now, and I am role playing in my head, continuously... .I even made a list/journal... .I’ve tried to remember all the quarrels we have had since the summer of 16, I use the archived threads here to piece the history back together.

So much has happened... .so much to use as source data... .

Reading back through all that... .

Man I really made a mess of things... .

If by some miracle... .she does see her way to come back home one day, perhaps via the Pastors office... .and actually wish to rejoin me, and as well my Son in this house... .I’ve got to be on my game, a regular Obi Wan Kenobi, I’ve been reading a lot about how the Church looks at & speaks to these cluster ‘b’ personalities... .as in what does scripture say, how as a Christian should have I handled her, supported her, stood by her... .which I didn’t,

I’ve a lot to inventory... .to take stock in, to rework, to overhaul... .I certainly fell short, I’ve a lot of self work to do, there is a lot about my own past I need to still let go of.

I’ve had a pretty hurtful and bad attitude towards her for years now, .there is much still to learn,

Thanks Skip!

Long steady road march ahead, many many more miles to go,

Red5

[Skip]

Why not do it here with help, support. That is what we do.

It talks a lot of strength to lay ourselves open and so the work. This is a safe place. Its anonymous.

[Red5]

Why not do it here with help, support. That is what we do.

It talks a lot of strength to lay ourselves open and so the work. This is a safe place. Its anonymous.

I certainly will Skip... .

If it does reach a turning point... .that she actually does desire to reconcile... .I am going to need the support here... .’no question’.

It’s taken me losing her, to see that my mind wasn't right... .I do even remember hoping she would leave, that’s how bad things were here, but I had given up... .

I read somewhere the other day, how pw/BPD will push you away even harder, as we become more and more angry at the treatment... . yet all the while... .pw/BPD is afraid we will leave... .fear of abandonment... .the more they “fear”’the more they push... .dysregulate... .

This is very hard to understand and or deal with if you don’t understand these dynamics... .I mean what do you do?

I fought back... .then held back... .the more I tried to disengage the angrier she appeared at me... .even when she threatened divorce... .I stayed defiant... .now I know this was not the correct way to handle it... .

... .’tools tools tools’... .’and roll play’ so you know what to do when this happens... .

What drove her... .I could have effected things years ago, maybe for the better here, in the day to day, if I’d only known more, and even when I did have the ‘epiphany’ that she was BPD... .I continued to reside in my own internal anger towards her... .

If she chooses to not sit with Pastor P, .then I will have to find another way to her... .I still replay what the Pastor said to me the other week... .“she said she doesn’t want to lose the marriage”... .and also, her daughter D33, said... .“let her be her prideful self for now, and just work on you”... .

I think it is smart to just let her be for a while and let her cool off... .

D33 also said... .“give her some space, some room, eventually she will want to be chased again”... .

D33 said she (uBPDw) is down to 130 pounds now, and that her current meds (immunotherapy) is making her very ill, to the point she can’t eat... .

I do hope she seeks the Pastors counsel... .that would be a positive sign to me.

Patience... .

Red5

[radoe]

hang in there red 5

Who really knows, if there is reincarnation you mike get to be with her again and she will not have a broken body next time?

[empath]

It is so natural for us to meet anger with anger and escalate or just shut down. Hard-heartedness... . 

I've thought a lot about the state of my heart toward my h. Sometimes, it was hard - easier just to lock it away and not be bothered with all the antics. As I gained space, it was a bit softer, more empathetic toward him. I still held the boundaries that kept my anger in check.

The way of truth in love is a hard way... .  with no guarantees about the other person's reactions... . 

[JNChell]

Red5, I’d like to see you give your 2 cents on the PSI (parent, sibling, inlaw) board. I’ve read a testimony about your upbringing. That testimony will be very helpful for the members on that board. Joining that board might also help your situation. Just a suggestion. Hope to see you over there.

[Red5]

Red5, I’d like to see you give your 2 cents on the PSI (parent, sibling, inlaw) board. I’ve read a testimony about your upbringing. That testimony will be very helpful for the members on that board. Joining that board might also help your situation. Just a suggestion. Hope to see you over there.

JNChell, give me a vector... .url/link,

Thanks Brother!... .Red5

[JNChell]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

[Tsultan]

Hi Red5, What's coming to mind too is the serenity prayer.

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
(not being able to control the outcome of your r/s, not knowing the outcome)

The courage to change the things I can
(as Skip said, work on yourself now because that is what you do have control over)

And the wisdom to know the difference.
(for me, I use this prayer daily in many situations in my life that cause me stress, pain or a general feeling of being uncomfortable.  I will ask myself,  what do I actually have control over in the situation?  What would make me feel better that I can change that would help me?)  In a crisis situation sometimes all I can do it just breathe.  In better times I can do some self care.  Go for a walk, call a friend, take myself out to a movie or ________.

One day a time Red.  Sometimes it's one moment at a time.  Sometimes when one door closes, another opens, but I get it, it's hell in the hallway.  And I am not speaking of a r/s door so to speak but maybe the lessons we learn from the pain the r/s can sometimes bring to us.  It's like pruning a shrub.  We painfully, (if shrubs can actually feel  ) cut the main branch off in one area so new growth can happen in other area. 

 
Tsultan

[JNChell]

cut the main branch off in one area so new growth can happen in other area.

This is a great analogy. Easy to read and understand, but hard to put into practice. However, very possible.

[Tsultan]

I don't think it's anything that I have intentionally done to work at it other trying to get in touch with all my emotions in general.  I was numbed out growing up in my FOO.  I had no clue what feelings were.  I was on autopilot for a number of reasons why.

What I have discovered is when I am in emotion pain and process the pain that I grow from the situation.  Pain is not my feeling of choice but it's a part of life that I have come to accept.

The underlying theme I see with people who are unable to process their pain is they don't grow as a person.  Just my observation.  I am thinking of my exH who numbed out his pain from his abusive childhood by drinking.  I remember asking him how he "feels" and for the life of him he was not able to relate a feeling.  He would always give me his opinion instead.  I would try to explain to him that opinions are not feelings but because of his upbringing he was not able to wrap his head around that concept.  His father was extremely critical and judgemental and opinionated.  So that is where he went to.

He's still stuck in his pain.  It's hard to watch.  Hurt people hurt people.

[JNChell]

BG, this really stuck out. Sorry, Red, not trying to impede here, just jumping on a validity.

What I have discovered is when I am in emotion pain and process the pain that I grow from the situation.  Pain is not my feeling of choice but it's a part of life that I have come to accept.

I’m starting to accept this as well. It never leaves us. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we have to learn how to manage and deal with it. For me, a lot of anger comes from this realization. I didn’t do this, it was done to me. A deep understanding helps, but there will always be parts that need attention. I’ve read that trauma survivors often benefit from a loving partner that is understanding of the background. I know this in my core. It’s true. This is where my hopelessness lands. I know what I want and need, but it doesn’t feel possible.

I agree with you on your statement about people not processing will not grow. They will be stuck in a pattern.

I haven’t talked with you in a while. How are you?