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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: He is cheating after all - 3  (Read 580 times)
Bnonymous
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« on: February 23, 2019, 02:37:02 AM »

Staff only Part two of this thread is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334282.0


I don't want people to think I'm addicted to drama or anything like that. I'm not. I am not particularly fond of drama. I accept that the drama kinda comes as part of the package with a pwBPD, but it is definitely not that which I want.

It's something else. It's emotional intensity. And, by that, I mean, I don't want someone who will walk in the woods with me when the sunlight is breaking through the trees and the leaves are lit up and waving like strands of angel-hair illuminated in worship at the beauty of creation and say amicably "Isn't it a nice day?". I want someone who will break down and weep at the beauty and miracle of it all. I mean that kind of intensity; opera, not soap opera.

And he was that person. And I loved him for it.

Anne of Green Gables. That's who I am and who I want to be.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2019, 04:20:47 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged

"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2019, 04:02:03 AM »

It feels good to be generous. It feels good to think and feel like that.
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2019, 04:28:08 AM »

I don't want people to think I'm addicted to drama or anything like that. I'm not. I am not particularly fond of drama. I accept that the drama kinda comes as part of the package with a pwBPD, but it is definitely not that which I want.

It's something else. It's emotional intensity. And, by that, I mean, I don't want someone who will walk in the woods with me when the sunlight is breaking through the trees and the leaves are lit up and waving like strands of angel-hair illuminated in worship at the beauty of creation and say amicably "Isn't it a nice day?". I want someone who will break down and weep at the beauty and miracle of it all. I mean that kind of intensity; opera, not soap opera.

And he was that person. And I loved him for it.

Anne of Green Gables. That's who I am and who I want to be.



I wish mine could do at least that... .I can cry from the such miracles like the one you wonderfully described. Unfortunately, he is not cable to experience any of that And I truly understand you wanting someone who can share this intensity with you. You are lucky you had found someone like that. I have never met anyone who would feel like me. Even if he don't come back, you have those moments you had together.
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Bnonymous
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« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2019, 04:33:25 AM »

I'm so sorry to hear that, dw. I know how hard it is to live with someone who can't be in that world along with you. 

Yes, I completely agree. "I guess it all adds up / to joy in the end".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QV7mki8GhYA
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2019, 04:40:58 AM »

When my dad died, there was this amazing experience of being totally and completely inside of every good moment all at once. I felt incredibly close to him and incredibly comforted and happy. You know how, when you finish a good book, there is a moment of closure, a moment of the whole story settling upon you? Think that, then magnify it thousands of times over. That.

Of course, it wasn't always like that. There could be waves of pain that literally knocked me off my feet (I would have to hold on to something to physically support me because I felt like my legs weren't up to the job). There were moments of indescribable emptiness when I wanted to call and tell him something and he wasn't there any more. There was pain.

But there were those end-of-the-story feelings of being immersed in the totality of the story, of being surrounded by all of it all of once, of being outside of time... .They were incredible and immensely comforting.

I am getting those with my ex (wow, to call him that... .!) now.

It's grief. It wasn't a death, but it's grief nonetheless. And the acceptance phase feels wonderful, but I know that the way grief progresses is not linear.
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2019, 09:09:34 AM »

Just saw my neighbour who asked if I was alright. Me being me (I don't do pleasantries) said no and it all came out. She has immediately gone to buy us a bottle of wine and said she'll "come and get" me in ten minutes and I can go there for a drink and a chat. So some IRL support after all!
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2019, 12:04:07 AM »

Thank you Bnonymous for the song

When my dad died, there was this amazing experience of being totally and completely inside of every good moment all at once. I felt incredibly close to him and incredibly comforted and happy. You know how, when you finish a good book, there is a moment of closure, a moment of the whole story settling upon you? Think that, then magnify it thousands of times over. That.

Of course, it wasn't always like that. There could be waves of pain that literally knocked me off my feet (I would have to hold on to something to physically support me because I felt like my legs weren't up to the job). There were moments of indescribable emptiness when I wanted to call and tell him something and he wasn't there any more. There was pain.

But there were those end-of-the-story feelings of being immersed in the totality of the story, of being surrounded by all of it all of once, of being outside of time... .They were incredible and immensely comforting.

I am getting those with my ex (wow, to call him that... .!) now.

It's grief. It wasn't a death, but it's grief nonetheless. And the acceptance phase feels wonderful, but I know that the way grief progresses is not linear.

This is very beautiful. I was touched reading it and smiling. Be happy for all the good things in the end. I am sorry about your father.

Happy to hear you met nice neighbour! How did it go? How do you feel today?

 
D.W
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« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2019, 02:34:02 AM »

Thanks, dw.

It was lovely and just what I needed. Was trying to have a girly chat and cuss him out and all that tension relieving stuff. (And, yeah, it was burning my bridges - he won't want to ever come back to a place where the neighbours all think he is a slime bag - I knew that and it's part of why I did it, a way of confirming to myself "He is not coming back".)

Was having a nice time, feeling a bit better... .Then... .

A barrage of abusive and threatening text messages from The Other Woman. For no reason and out of nowhere. Why would he give her my number and how could he let her do that? Weird self-important "You don't know who my [maffia-style] 'Family'" are - I'm going to get in my car right now and sort you out" rubbish. And cruel "He never loved you - he just didn't know how to end it - we are watching the rugby together and then we're going to make love" ones. "I've been with him for six weeks and he asked me to be his girlfriend last week". "We're in love and he's happy as larry". "Sort your personal hygiene out - he tells me you stink". "He says you're a fruit loop". "He had money off you so he could buy me a present. Haha". And similar.

I don't know where it came from or what motivated her or how the heck he could sit back and let her do this (she said he was right next to her).

I blocked the number. She found a way through the block - I haven't a clue how.

You're all going to be thinking "I just hope you had the sense and dignity and self-preservation not to get in the mud with them". I would have hoped I would. I would have expected that I would. I am shocked that I... .didn't... .

It was after she circumvented the block and carried on and I realised I couldn't escape this without changing my number that I lost it. And she said she's read my texts to him, texts from before all this, and she laughed about them, and I... .

Had sworn to myself I wouldn't do this, had sworn to myself I would be above this, demeaned myself by doing this, but... .

I forwarded her his texts messages in which he calls her a cocaine addict who sexually assaulted him while he was unconscious and says he wants to change his phone number so she'll leave him alone.

I never would have dreamt I would do something so low and mean and petty. I never would have dreamt that I would betray someone's privacy like that by sharing their texts. And I never ever in a million years could have seen myself as engaging in "tit for tat" but the final betrayal of having him give her our past text conversations for her to laugh at... .I just went a bit temporarily insane at that. Thought "If you can't respect my privacy and keep our texts between us, then why the hell should I?"

And I know the answer to that: why the hell should I? is that it (respecting his privacy and not doing this) would have been the decent thing to do that I could have respected myself for. That's why the hell I should have done it. But I didn't. I lost it and got down in the mud with them. And I know I have demeaned myself by doing so.
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2019, 03:09:52 AM »

And I know what I've done. I know I have not only burnt my bridges with this move; I have set light to them and poured petrol on the fire, thrown gas canisters on it... .

I know that, if I hadn't done this, I had remained dignified and kind and above it all and kept out of it... .Well, I know that he'd have seen the contrast there between my behaviour and hers. And I know that, if I had given it chance to all fall apart by itself (which it clearly would have done, as she seems just as unstable and nasty as he can be), then he would have come running to me with his tail between his legs.

And I know that I have put the blocks on that ever happening now. I know that, now, when it falls apart, he will blame me for it. And he will never forgive me for having betrayed him (that I betrayed him by doing this is true albeit hypocritical). And that all the trust I spent years earning, I have destroyed in an instant. And there will be no going back now.

I know all that. And it's what I wanted. I wanted to burn my bridges totally like that. Because I wanted this to be OVER. I wanted him to stay away from me for good and stop hurting me for good.

And, yeah, maybe it wasn't the best way of achieving that objective either... .Maybe it will make him vengeful and now I will get an absolute ____storm of revenge coming... .

I know it wasn't right. And I know it wasn't sensible. I know it wasn't the right or mature way to have reacted (key word there, reacted). I just... .lost it.
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2019, 03:50:12 AM »

Hey, great you had good girl time !

Don't beat yourself up for your reply. It happened. I call it self-defence. For all I know you just showed that that there's two sides of the story and his trashing people goes both ways. She has right to know who she is dealing with (even though she doesn't sound as nice and stable person).

Should you've done it? Probably not, but it is done. Important thing is to calm down, think it over, be prepared and not engage further. You can do it.

Hugs

D.W


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Bnonymous
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« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2019, 03:52:59 AM »

Thanks. I have taken the SIM out of my phone and will get a new one (with new number) today so that none of us can carry this immature and destructive behaviour further.

Another way I got into it is that, when she said "He had money off you so he could buy me a present. Haha", I texted back "And that's the kind of man you want, is it? Think about that".

They kind of deserve each other. She is as nasty and cruel as he can be. I can imagine how vicious their rows will be.

And maybe he wants that. He always felt guilty with me because I didn't do it back - he would say cruel things to me and use things I'd confided in trust as weapons and be so so vicious, and I wouldn't do it back. And that always left him feeling crap. And I remember him saying once that I should do it back, that doing it back was the right thing to do and that that's what couples are supposed to do, they say nasty things to each other and then move on. Of course I challenged that and said that is not my idea of how healthy relationships operate. He then said he wouldn't have to feel guilty if I did it back and that normal people do it back... .

So maybe this is what he wants? They will each be cruel to the other and he won't have to feel bad about it because "she did it too". Maybe he wants that kind of dysfunctional relationship where the dysfunction and destructiveness is mutual so he can hide from how wrong it is and deflect it and ease his conscience? Hell, maybe he'll even be able to make this relationship work albeit in a dysfunctional way? Maybe it'll suit him better than what we had?

And maybe I shouldn't give a damn about any of this cos it's not my problem... .I know, I know.

(I feel like a steaming hypocrite saying all this after what I did yesterday, but, I never acted like that in the relationship. And, yeah, I know I shouldn't have acted like it on the other side of the relationship either).

« Last Edit: February 24, 2019, 04:04:48 AM by Bnonymous » Logged

"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2019, 01:40:02 AM »

Are there any resources to help me understand this?

I understood and knew all about the challenges of being in a relationship with someone with BPD. But I know nothing about being discarded like this. I don't know where it comes from or what to expect or how to understand it... .

Is it just the very far side of the spectrum of splitting and devaluation? Or is it something different to these?

I know you can't speak for him personally or about this situation specifically, but what does it mean in general?

I don't know whether this is a phase: an extreme phase like nothing I've had to handle from him before, but a phase nonetheless. I don't know if he's confused and has lost sight of himself and his values and attachments. I don't know if it is a temporary thing and he will come out of it, like the devaluation phases. I know none of you know either, but what tends to happen generally speaking?

I know BPD emotions and attachments can be different to those of nons. I know that they can break bonds much more quickly and easily than we can. But he did love me. Yes, it wasn't the healthy caring kind of love that I would call real love. No, some of things he did to me weren't loving. But... .What I mean is that he was very very deeply attached to me. Very. And I do not doubt that this was real, not really - as a way of trying to explain this to myself, I sometimes consider that he was playing me from that start, but I know, really, that isn't it.

And we didn't grow apart. The feelings didn't wear off or the bond break down. This was instant. Even if he was with her for six weeks as she says, he was still deeply attached to me as a partner during that time. There was no gradual loosening of emotional ties. He loved me as far as he is capable of love. He was deeply attached to me and strongly bonded to me.

Can that actually vanish in an instant? Are they that severely damaged when it comes to attachment that they can form very real bonds and yet break them in a heartbeat? Can that happen and, if so, how?

Or is it likely that the bond/attachment is still there but various needs and emotions and mental health problems are eclipsing it at the moment?

I don't know if it is right for me to do so, but, in some ways, I see him as a child. And, to me, in some sense, this seems akin to a troubled teenager yelling at their parents, storming off in a mood, sofa-surfing with friends and going off into the world without touching base, but... .Always knowing they can go home when they're ready. Carrying that base inside them. In some messed up sense, I think it's like that for him - I think the bond is still there inside him and anchoring him even when it isn't visible. Could I be right to think that? Or... .?

I would really appreciate some advice on how to understand this. Because it is outside of my experience and I'm out of my depth with this one.
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2019, 02:04:13 AM »

I have been there for him consistently, reliably, stably, for two years.

He has always been able to call on me and he always has done. He has always been able to come to me and talk over anything that is on his mind, and (until this) he always has done.

He trusted me as far as he was able. And I was the first person in his life who he really did trust. He could (before this) tell me anything. He said I knew more about him than anyone else ever had and that he'd told me so many things that he'd never told anyone in his life before.

When something was on his mind, he would talk it over with me. When he needed to make big decisions, he would seek my input and use me as a sounding board to talk round things and get his head clear. When he was worried, or relieved, or upset, or excited about anything, he would reach out to tell me.

And that absolutely hadn't changed. Five days before he sent the "I've met someone else. Bye" text, he was on the phone to me for over an hour, crying about everything going on his life and how it's affecting him. Two days before that text, he texted me at 7 a.m. worried about an appointment he had that day, and, then, when they cancelled at the last minute, he was straight on the phone to me about it.

I said to him, after I found out, that he could have come to me with this too. That he could have come to me at the start and talked it over with me like he does everything else in his mind and life. I said I would have listened non-judgmentally, helped him to wrap his head around things and explore his feelings and work out what he wanted, not pressured him to stay. And it's true. Maybe most people couldn't do that, but I could have. Because I love him. And it's a pretty selfless and generous kind of love that puts his well-being above his companionship. I could not only have let him go, but actively helped him to make that transition if it was what he really needed. I honestly could have.

But, instead of doing this, he shut me out, kept it from me, and then did this... .*sighs*

But, anyway, my point is that, with the exception of this, I was the person he turned to with things and talked to about things, and trusted with confidences (yes, forwarding those emails has probably damaged that now). Will he really be able to just cut that off in a finger snap?

Will he just transfer all that to her as though it has no route in history, experience, and trust that has been earned and proven and slowly grown? Will he just... .replace me in that way? So that he won't even miss that stability and constancy and partnership, because he'll just switch it to someone else as easily and seamlessly as another person could switch a bank account?

If nothing else, will the habit (of turning to me) be hard for him to break? Will he feel grief when he habitually goes to call and tell me something and realises it isn't like that anymore? Will he feel any of the things that a non would feel?

Or can he really break both the bonds and the habit instantly and utterly with no grief or sense of anything missing? Will the transition be easy for him? Will he even experience it as a transition at all?

Like I say, I am totally totally at sea here. I feel I'm lost in territory with no map and no lodestars or lighthouses. I know there are limits to how much you can help with this, but I would appreciate anything you can give.

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« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2019, 02:22:53 AM »

Bnonymous, I am glad you are willing to create boundaries with the new phone.  This is a great start of going "no contact."

As far as understanding BPD, apart from the Eggshells book, is another one by Randi Kreger, called, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells."  It gives a good look at what it's like to be BPD with the terror of abandonment, and the feelings of horrid emptiness.

I suggest you read both.  

You understand the "idealise, devalue, discard," dynamic, but it's painful to actually experience it.  I once had a BPD lover much worse than my uBPD H (yes, I know I am a magnet to them.)  We had a R/S for five years in which he was very enmeshed with his mother. He would be at her beck and call, and he'd go running to her.  (She was divorced from his H, but remarried.)  One day, H and I had arranged to meet for a date.  We ordered our meal, and he looked at me, tormented and said, "I don't love you.  I don't know if I ever loved you.  I have to go."  He stood up and left, leaving me alone at the table in the restaurant.  I did not know what to think.  I was so confused I did not even cry.  (That came later with the depression that ensued.)  

To be honest, in time, I did not miss the theatrics with that lover:  the crying, self abusing acts (hitting himself in the face), the suicidal ideations, the creepy closeness he had with his mother.  (I felt like I was a mistress and his mother was his wife.)  I was the closest person to him up to that time.  In fact, I eventually go him into therapy, and that is when he discarded me. 

Keep repeating to yourself that this is not about you.  It's all about him.  That is what I eventually had to do.  At the time, the only book on BPD was, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  That is also a good book.

Take care and do some serious self care.  Reward yourself with something or an experience you've been wanting for a long time.  You will get over this in time.
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« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2019, 02:34:06 AM »

Thanks, askingwhy.

I am so sorry that happened to you. 

I have read almost every book on BPD out there. I don't understand the discard. I understand the splitting and devaluation, but the discard is something different and I don't know how to process it at all.

Please don't anyone tell me that I shouldn't be asking these questions or should be focusing on me instead - it's not an either/or - I can do both. And I do need to ask these questions right now. I do need to know what it is that I am dealing with here and have some idea of what to expect.

And I love this man. By that, I don't mean I need him or will be lost without him or anything like that. What I mean is that I care very deeply about him and his welfare. And that won't change. And, yeah, forwarding her his texts doesn't fit with that - it was a moment of madness, completely out of character and not to be repeated.

If he is going to need me at some point, then I am going to be there. End of. Maybe not as a partner; I don't know yet if that would be possible. But at least as a friend. I am going to be there. So I do need to understand if it's likely to happen and prepare myself for how to handle it if it does.

And, no, that doesn't mean putting my life on hold and waiting around for him to return. I won't be doing those things. I will be getting on with my life in the meantime. But I need to prepare nonetheless. If he doesn't come back, he doesn't. But it does no harm to pack a raincoat and umbrella and then find the day turns out to be sunny after all. It may rain. It is a climate where rainfall arrives frequently and unpredictably. So I will prepare for rain (his return) regardless of if I'm heading for a heatwave (a total and final cut off).

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« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2019, 03:13:17 AM »

You know what scares me the most about this whole thing now?

I know what he is like and the patterns from his history, and, so, I know that there is a very high chance that he will move in with her and quickly. And he will give up his rented flat to do so. And being on benefits, it would be extremely hard for him to find somewhere else to rent, should he need to.

I think he is likely to move in with her too quickly. He isn't stable and, going by the text messages, nor is she. I think they are likely to crash and burn within weeks of that happening. And she doesn't sound like the sort of person who would give him time and space to find somewhere else to live if that happened; she sounds like the sort of person who would chuck his belongings on the lawn and that would be that.

I think this romance could ultimately lead him into homelessness. And that scares me very much. And don't say this isn't my problem. No, it's not, in the sense that it isn't my responsibility. But we worry about people we love and we can't be expected not to.

I am also worried that this could possibly be a drugs thing. He is a (seven years) recovering heroin addict. My neighbour, whose partner is a recovering addict too, told me that they have suspected for a while that he is on heroin, that they recognise the signs and have seen them.

One way or another, he's on a downward spiral, I think. I don't think this is the start of his new Happily Ever After, but, rather, the start of relapses and breakdowns. And it worries me for him.

And, yeah, it's not my responsibility. And, no, there is nothing I can do to change or prevent it if it is happening. And, yeah, it's on him and he's an adult and free to make his own choices and live with their consequences and he can't (and perhaps shouldn't) be protected from that. Yes, I know all that, agree with, and accept it.

But I still care. Nothing is going to change that.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2019, 03:19:14 AM by Bnonymous » Logged

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« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2019, 03:34:00 AM »

I suppose what I am saying is this:

This is a BPD affair, discard, break-up. Whatever its signifiance, it is not the same as if this had happened in a non-BPD relationship. I think it is important to remember that.

If a mentally healthy and stable partner of mine had "met someone else" and left me for them, I would go through the same emotions of shock, anger, betrayal, confusion, pain... .And fluctuate through the same bargaining, anger, denial, depression, acceptance stages of grief. All of that would be the same. But my understanding of what had happened would be clearer - I would know that I ultimately had to process it as "Jerk will be begging me to take him back in five minutes when that new love blindness wears off and I'll tell him where to go!" and/or "If this is what he really needs and wants, if he really doesn't love me any more and loves her, then I have to let him go, wish him well, and move on".

But it isn't like that here. When it happens in an ordinary relationship, there are not the same factors at play. It is infinitely more complicated and nuanced than it would be with a non. It's not the same as if a non had done this. And I shouldn't try to make myself react to it as though it were. Does that make any sense?
« Last Edit: February 25, 2019, 03:46:31 AM by Bnonymous » Logged

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« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2019, 09:46:37 AM »

And I know what I've done. I know I have not only burnt my bridges with this move; I have set light to them and poured petrol on the fire, thrown gas canisters on it... .

I know that, if I hadn't done this, I had remained dignified and kind and above it all and kept out of it... .Well, I know that he'd have seen the contrast there between my behaviour and hers. And I know that, if I had given it chance to all fall apart by itself (which it clearly would have done, as she seems just as unstable and nasty as he can be), then he would have come running to me with his tail between his legs.

And I know that I have put the blocks on that ever happening now. I know that, now, when it falls apart, he will blame me for it. And he will never forgive me for having betrayed him (that I betrayed him by doing this is true albeit hypocritical). And that all the trust I spent years earning, I have destroyed in an instant. And there will be no going back now.

Scorched earth. I think your assessment is accurate. You were on a  "Saving" trajectory to lay low and wait it out and not make it worse - that was your game plan. That's over, it's good that you can see this. Hard, but good.

I know all that. And it's what I wanted. I wanted to burn my bridges totally like that. Because I wanted this to be OVER. I wanted him to stay away from me for good and stop hurting me for good.

I'm not sure that this follows. If you were done, all this would not be going on. I think its important now to re-assess what your options are - find another reasonable game plan.

I suppose what I am saying is this: This is a BPD affair, discard, break-up. Whatever its signifiance, it is not the same as if this had happened in a non-BPD relationship. I think it is important to remember that ... //... Does that make any sense?

No. It doesn't. pwBPD can be impulsive. pwBPD of feel emotions (positive or negative) more intensely. pwBPD have inherent trust issues and struggle to forgive. This are all influencing factors, but this is a garden variety breakup with vengeance... .just like any breakup with vengeance. He has spared you nothing. He cheated, lied, shamed, humiliated... .what didn't he do... .no physical harm... .that's it.

But we worry about people we love and we can't be expected not to.

We let people we love go, with grace. That is the greatest gift when can give at times like this. No second guessing them. No judging them.  This takes the most strength... .and even more in a situation like this where he has been so quick to burn bridges... .

What other options do you have at this point?  This is on an escalating path... .anything you do with escalate it further.

If it were me, I'd pen him a note (no email, no text) that apologizes for your actions (take the very high road) and say that you understand his feelings and you want to release with grace (your own words, of course), be thankful for the good times you both had, and wish him the best (I wouldn't mention the new relationship).

If you do go this route, I'd post some drafts here to get others to help you neutralize the words.

Thanks. I have taken the SIM out of my phone and will get a new one (with new number) today so that none of us can carry this immature and destructive behaviour further.

I wouldn't do this if you can avoid it. Unblock her number, set up your phone so texts are not displayed on your main screen, and just don't read them - they will stop soon enough.

Changing your number will put you in a place of re-living this situation with others and you go about notifying people.

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« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2019, 09:54:30 AM »

Already did that in text.

There has been a great deal of grace and will continue to be. It seems unfair to hyper-focus on the one moment it was lost, as though that's everything. Yes, I know it will count for more. I know the thousands of moments of goodness and decency will be undone by the one moment of impulsive striking back. But what's done is done and I forgive myself just as I forgive him.

There's no "letting him go" about it, because it is not my place to "let" him or not "let" him - he will do what he will do - it's his right and his life.

But I think this is a breakdown or a symptom of a breakdown. And I think he will regret it. And I want to be prepared for if that happens.
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« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2019, 10:03:49 AM »

It seems unfair to hyper-focus on the one moment it was lost, as though that's everything. Yes, I know it will count for more. I know the thousands of moments of goodness and decency will be undone by the one moment of impulsive striking back.

In time, these things tend to balance out. Right now it is everything and it was a big thing. He did big things two... .but in like, the damage like this isn't offsetting, its cumulative.

There's no "letting him go" about it, because it is not my place to "let" him or not "let" him - he will do what he will do - it's his right and his life.

Of course there is.

Right now you are locked in a conflict with him and his new friend and "fighting" the breakup. You can let that go.

For yourself, you can let go of hope. While you said you want it over, you are still hoping for a recovery. It's a significant milestone to cross... .its early for this... .but keep it in mind.
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« Reply #20 on: February 25, 2019, 10:19:17 AM »

I'm not locked in conflict with them.

I asked her to leave me alone. I blocked her messages. She found a way through the block and carried on. I couldn't cope and did something beneath me. That was that. It didn't and won't continue. It was one single strike, not an ongoing conflict.

I don't want an ongoing conflict. I want him to know that I will be there if he needs me, but I want to step back and let this play out by itself.

He invaded my privacy in an appalling way. Yet he expected me to continue to cover for him. To just sit there and take her texts and keep covering for him. He expected his privacy to be sacrosanct, while mine was being invaded in the cruelest of ways... .She was telling me all this stuff that simply wasn't true and gloating about it. And I tried to rise above that. But it got the better of me. And I showed her that I am not the only one he has lied to and about. And I showed him that you can't violate someone's privacy like that and sit back in total confidence and entitlement that they will continue to respect yours.

And, yes, it was, in a very twisted sense, a kind of honour that he did that, that he thought I'd never sink to that level. I get that. And I realise I threw away something precious there. But it is what it is and there is no point lamenting it - be aware and don't make the same mistake twice, but don't beat yourself up eternally for a regrettable and unrepeated moment of impulsive and pain-fuelled striking out. That wouldn't help. I wouldn't want him to do it and I don't want myself to either - I wouldn't want anyone to. Forgiveness is the key. You speak of "grace" - I can give that to myself as well as to him.

There is a difference between, on the one hand, understanding and explaining something, and, on the other, seeking to justify and excuse it. I am not doing the latter, only the former.

I said I wanted it to be over because I was overwhelmed by pain. I have had time to reflect now and know that I would be here if he came to me. I am not even saying I want that to happen. Just that, if he does, I will be there.

As to the phone and notifying people - only three people had my number, him, my mom, and my daughter's dad. That's it. I'm not a big user of mobiles and didn't even own one until I got together with him.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2019, 10:26:38 AM by Bnonymous » Logged

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« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2019, 10:32:40 AM »

And how's this for grace?

I paid for a private psych appointment for him because he wanted a recent report for welfare/benefits purposes.
 
When she was sending those texts, she said "He only hung around to get the consultation off you. Haha."

The report came to my address. I could have kept it from him. I could have thought "No way do they get to laugh about using me like that!"

I didn't. I posted it to him today, with a letter saying that my help and support was always unconditional, and he could have just told me and I would still have done this, and saying "take care of yourselves and each other x".

And now? Now I wait. I have no further interaction with them, whether they try to contact me or not. I get on with my life and wait to see how this plays out.
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« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2019, 10:39:46 AM »

And how's this for grace?

Are you angry with me?
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« Reply #23 on: February 25, 2019, 10:42:34 AM »

No, I am just angry per se - a grief stage, nothing more.
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« Reply #24 on: February 25, 2019, 04:22:54 PM »

Staff only This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334361.0
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