Thought I was out. But was pulled back in.

[Damaged92]

Hi. Haven't posted for almost a year. I really thought I was out. But was suckered and got back in. Things were good for a while. He seemed to be really trying. Had even accepted he had BPD. Last child had flown the nest. It seemed that he had less excuses to dysregulate and unravel. But as usual I was fooling myself. His behaviour spirals so quickly. He has been engaging in risky behaviours. Especially crazy erratic driving. He seems to believe that he has become The Equalizer. He is a vigilante who thinks he can punish other drivers that he has perceived to have done him some wrong. Real or imagined. It's crazy and it's frightening. None of our now grown up children want to get in the car with him. I have said countless times that I am frightened. That the erratic driving has given me whiplash and I have already had spinal surgery and it causes me pain when he drives like a maniac righting wrongs. It doesn't seem to matter to him. It is so upsetting to me that it is so important to him that he punish these complete strangers. More important than I am. I am just collateral damage.  Why are people with BPD so obsessed with their behaviours? Even to the detriment of their relationships. I am so insignificant in comparison to his rules, regulations, belief systems and mindsets.
Its so frustrating that he would rather lose me than admit that his thinking and subsequent behaviours are flawed. It takes him many days or even weeks to realise how his behaviours are adversely affecting us.
If I say anything to him. He deflects. Accuses me of ridiculous things. Will not admit to anything. Sulks. Acts like a baby.  Won't engage in any type of dialogue. Pouts. Puts his fingers in his ears. Which is really quite laughable. If he does speak he just repeats back the question. And really makes everything about him. Because obviously the world revolves around him.I
I don't understand why he tortures me with his behaviour?. His mother is still alive who basically pimped him out for sexual abuse as a child. She is very narcissistic and physically and verbally abused him as a child. He doesn't speak to her but also he has never challenged her. He saves his wrath for me. But really what is wrong with me? What the heck am I doing here? After 27 years. I understand that it's codependency. But really! Am I losing it completely? Again. What is wrong with me? ! I can't fix this. So what am I doing here?

[Cat Familiar]

What keeps you from refusing to be a passenger when he drives like that?

[Damaged92]

Financial constructions dictate that we share a car and we live in a remote village in Scotland. There is no other means of getting to our respective jobs in time. We both start work very early in the morning. I cannot refuse to get in the car as I would not be able to get to work in time otherwise.
My problem is his inability to comprehend that his reckless driving causes me to be in physical pain prior to a long shift. I suffer from fibromyalgia and arthritis. It apparently does not occur to him that rapid acceleration and deceleration, erratic changing of lanes on the motorway and general road rage results in his passenger being buffeted uncontrollably and sustaining whiplash. My spinal operation was in my neck. I live in chronic pain. It seems to be that he cares more about his vigilantism than how much physical and mental anguish he causes me. Men generally will not take any criticism of their driving skills, especially from a woman. He drives his real life car the same way he drives virtual cars on his PS4. The only problem is he can't reboot me. His general childish behaviour is increased and he will not stop until he feels he has punished the other driver that he feels has maligned him in some way. If I say anything then the wrath is turned on me. He accuses me of trying to control him. Rants that I cannot tell him what to do or how to drive. It then spills over into the rest of the day. He sulks for days on end. It takes him days or even weeks for him to realise that it his behaviour that is the problem. He cannot accept blame, fault, positive criticism. Anything. It is all me trying to control him. Which I am not. He is the control freak. We must all live by his rules or we are punished. He spirals. Turns from Jekyll into Hyde. His eyes become dead, black, shark eyes. He then blames me for everything that has ever happened to him even though it all happened long before I ever met him. I am the antichrist. The devil incarnate. The root of all evil.

[Cat Familiar]

That sounds really awful for you and dangerous too. Yes, people, especially men, don’t like having their driving critiqued.

How are things at home, other than that?

[Damaged92]

At the moment things are pretty bad at home. He is angry and sulking at this present time. I am exhausted and cannot deal with his petulant behaviour. I am in a lot of physical pain as well as emotional pain. He however cannot see past his own inner turmoil. There is no one more important to him than himself. Especially when he feels slighted. He will be wrapping himself in his comfort blanket of self pity. It's always everyone else's fault. Never his. And generally I am the worst offender. I can apparently wreak cataclysmic devastation by sheer will alone. I am the root of everything that is wrong. I cannot keep going round in circles. It is literally killing me.

[Cat Familiar]

How can you create some emotional distance where you aren't as affected by his petulant behavior?

I realize that, unless you take the wheel on the drive to work, you are stuck commuting together due to financial constraints and must endure his dangerous driving.

But perhaps you can disentangle yourself somewhat when you're at home so that you don't have to participate in his pity party. What can you think of doing for yourself when he's like that? Maybe reading a book, taking a nice long bath, visiting a friend?