Do those with BPD try and get a rise out of you?

[Foreverandever]

Hello. My BPD bf (who is also bi-polar and an addict) is going through a major depression right now. I have been through this with him several times as it’s a cycle. When he goes into his depression and rage mode it seems as if his behavior worsens when I get home, like he wants to engage in upsetting dialogue so that it may spark up an argument.  It used to be him trying to get a rise through text messages while I was at work, saying that he was leaving for good or was going to kill himself.  But I learned to turn my phone off during those times.  I have also learned not to engage in any of the  confrontational conversation but I don’t want to act as if I’m ignoring. I’m new to the term SET communication and haven’t mastered that yet. Do those with BPD have that one person in their lives that they use as a “punching bag” if you will, to try and get a rise out of so that they have an excuse to act out?  Is this a tactic to push those close to them away?  Every time he is having a BPD episode, he tells me that he is leaving me, that it’s inevitable that our relationship will have to end. Just to be clear, there has been no physical abuse and I drew the line that there would be no more verbal abuse or I just physically leave the situation.  I’m learning as much as I can about BPD, I read the book “I Hate you, Don’t Leave Me” and just stared working on the workbook version of “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. What is really helping, though, is support from others that have been where I am and hoping that I can learn how they are making it through.

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[itsmeSnap]

What is really helping, though, is support from others that have been where I am and hoping that I can learn how they are making it through.

Welcome to the boards, your one stop shop for all your BPD support needs 
Seriously though, glad you found us, people here get it, you're in good company!

Is this a tactic to push those close to them away?

In a way it is, but they (often, not to generalize) also kinda don't want you to.

Confusing I know. Its sort of "I'll leave you before you leave me", "I'm not worthy of your love", "I can't handle being with you right now" and "Hey! look this way, I need your attention!" and cause a ruckus because they don't know how to properly ask for support, all that wrapped up in one angry package.

I have also learned not to engage in any of the  confrontational conversation but I don’t want to act as if I’m ignoring.

Validation (or more accurately, not being invalidating. See https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating for a primer) is a very effective first tool to be able to listen and engage without getting wrapped up in what they're saying, keeping your cool without actually ignoring them which can be felt as a rejection.

how do these conversations usually go?

[Foreverandever]

Usually when he is in his depression mode or in BPD rage, I don’t say very much, I just listen. He has a great tendency to twist anything little thing I say to something I didn’t mean at all.  Plus, I am a very emotional person and start to cry (even though I keep telling myself not to) and then he gets angrier that he’s hurt me. It’s a catch 22. So I usually don’t say much.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Foreverandever! Welcome!

I echo what itsmeSnap said. That push-pull, "I'll drive you away before you can leave me" is classic and goes along with fear of abandonment. It doesn't entirely make logical sense to us, but it's true.

Do those with BPD have that one person in their lives that they use as a “punching bag” if you will, to try and get a rise out of so that they have an excuse to act out?

My BPDh has used me as the punching bag and he has admitted that he was trying to get a rise out of me. When he was upset, he wanted me to be as upset and worked up as he was. For him, that would be validating his feelings. Those big, angry feelings were scary and if I was angry and lashing out, too, then that would mean the feelings were "right." Thankfully, he's now seeing how wrong that is.

I, too, would sort of shut down and not say much because in those rages, my H would also twist and manipulate anything I said. Despite his desire for me to get angry with him, my staying calm actually did eventually have the effect of shortening and cooling the rages. As itsmeSnap said, validation is key. Not always easy to do, though, because (as I found), if not done the right way and with genuine empathy, it can come across as detached and condescending. Check out the link posted and let us know if you think it could help you!

[theuproar]

Do those with BPD have that one person in their lives that they use as a “punching bag” if you will, to try and get a rise out of so that they have an excuse to act out?  Is this a tactic to push those close to them away?  

I think every situation is a little different, but in my case yes.  I am most definitely my partner's punching bag, and she's pretty self-aware of that fact.  She has even explicitly stated that this is what "all" people do to their loved ones when they're upset. 

As far as it being a tactic to push you away, there's a lot to unpack there.  Ultimately, they don't want to be abandoned, and you have to keep in mind that emotional dysregulation is NOT a logical state of mind.  With my partner, she is aware of what's happening to her, but that does nothing to stop it.  Maybe I'm being presumptuous, but it seems to me that in most cases they aren't trying to push you away at all.  There's often a very strange, distorted sense of altruism that underlies the rage.

On a certain level, you cannot rationalize it; you simply have to accept it.  At that point, you can start to work on yourself and find ways to be more supportive and validating.