New here, overwhelmed.

[Bigsismarie]

Wow. Hi...my post title says I'm overwhelmed, and that's true. I'm overwhelmed because I've just been introduced to the concept that my sister may have BPD. Reading about it and realizing that all my feelings are valid, my experience is not my fault, and I'm not alone has me in tears.

My entire life my relationship with my sister has been one of my biggest woundings. From my earliest memories I recall her loving me and desiring a close relationship and then the next moment hating me and telling me what an awful person I am. I tried so hard to be the sister she needed and wanted, but it was never enough to keep her happy. I was always failing, always the object of her hatred - except when I wasn't and she was loving me in over-the-top ways - extravagant gifts, sweet letters, quality time together. As a teen she tried to commit suicide 3-4 times and each time I received a letter telling me why I was the reason she wanted to kill herself. In her eyes I've been a horrible sister, a horrible person. I am the source of all her pain and problems - but when I say, I did nothing but try and love her, it's NOT an exaggeration.

She is now married and is pregnant with her 5th child. The past year has been "good" for us...we've been in relationship, she's been kind and loving, generous with her things - allowing me to borrow clothing from her for my child. However, around Christmas the wheels fell off. No warning. She refused to come to Christmas with our other sibling because my 9 year old son wanted to give her kids gifts he had made for her. We gave her the space to make that decision but it hurt so deeply. And, for the first time, her behaviors were affecting not only me but now my children too. At this time, my brother and I decided that we were no longer participating in her manipulation - she would always LOVE me and HATE my brother or LOVE my brother and HATE me. This caused a lot of problems in mine and his relationship too, and we agreed we would no longer participate in this type of behavior. We did not communicate this change with her, but she sensed it and since Christmas has cut off communication with us both.

Last week she sent me a text message (the only way she communicates and her favorite method of attacking) and demanded I return all of the clothes she had let me borrow for my son and wanted me to drop them off at her husband's place of work. She said she was cutting me out of her life because she realized how much I take advantage of her. Instead of my normal response of "I'm so sorry, you're right, I'm a bad person, I'll try harder, I'll be better, I'm the worst" I sent the response below:

"I'm sorry you feel like I've taken advantage of you. For me it was more me accepting your love and kindness while you were willing to give it to me. I'd never want to take advantage of you (I offered to pay you many times for the clothes and everything else you've ever given me). I think it's what normal siblings do - give and accept kindness (like me taking your family pictures every year - I do it because I love you and I've never thought of you taking advantage of me!) - but I see how you'd feel that way considering your current opinion of me. I love you so much, but I do not know how to be in relationship with you and it kills me, my heart literally hurts. I'm sorry for how my boundaries and fear have felt like rejection to you. Your opinion of me and actions toward me are always changing and have our whole lives.  You love me and then you hate me at what seems the drop of a dime - you're offering kind actions and then are attacking and intentionally hurting me with your words and actions. You call me to get support or chat and then you cut me off for months or a year even though I've always answered and been there for you in those hard times. Those words and actions deeply wound me. Until you are willing to acknowledge, apologize and seek healing I think this (you cutting me and my family out of your life) is for the best too. But I am so sad. So sad for me, you, our kids, and our families. I will no longer be replying to messages from you but if you'd like to talk you can call me through {my husband}. I'm always willing to talk if we can be civil. And if you're ever ready to seek reconciliation and restoration I will also be here ready to do that. I will never cut you out of my life, turn my back on you, or close the door on our relationship. Reconciliation will always be my prayer and I will always love you"

I don't know 100% if I handled it correctly. It's been the hardest thing I've done in my 35 years of life...but I feel some freedom from the crazy cycle. I feel relief that I no longer have to accept her attacks against me. I have blocked her on my phone and all social media so that she cannot attack me, but gave her a clear path back into relationship. Until she gets help (she refuses to see a counselor), I can't let her hurt me or my family anymore.

Thanks for reading this if you've made it this far...

I think one question I have is that her birthday and my nephew's birthdays are just around the corner. My heart wants to send them cards just to show that I DO love her...but I don't know if it's the right thing to do in this situation. What do you think?

I really look forward to connecting. This has been a hurtful, confusing, lonely journey.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome! 

I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.  We get it here.  We know what it is like to have a family member with BPD or BPD traits and how difficult, painful and damaging that can be.   I am glad you are reaching out for support.  Several of us here have a sibling with BPD too.

It's been the hardest thing I've done in my 35 years of life...but I feel some freedom from the crazy cycle. I feel relief that I no longer have to accept her attacks against me.

  It *is* amazing to realize you have the power to stop participating in crazy making exchanges! 

I think one question I have is that her birthday and my nephew's birthdays are just around the corner. My heart wants to send them cards just to show that I DO love her...but I don't know if it's the right thing to do in this situation. What do you think?

I would send the cards.  Primarily because of your nephew but also because it sounds like you feel it is the right thing to do for you.  Not them, but you.  Find a somewhat generic card for your sister and sign it Love, bigsismarie.  Go big for your nephew.

What do you think?

Have you had a chance to look around and read?  please jump into other posts and get comfortable.  We all listen to and support each other here.

Glad to have you join us! 

[Bigsismarie]

@Harri I do want to send the cards because I do deeply love her. I'm mostly worried that it will cause retaliation toward me, or make her more angry with me than she already is. This is a new way of doing things for me - I know I am not a slave to her emotions, but I also want to be respectful. That line is still very blurry.

[Harri]

I understand your hesitation.  She might become more angry and she might become angry if you don't send her a card.  There is no way of knowing.  It is what is often called a no win situation.  If she has said "do not contact me, I will contact you when I am ready" that would be different (in my mind anyway).

Go with your gut. 

[LeneLu]

Hi Bigsismarie,

I agree with Harry.  I probably wouldn't have a few months ago.  But, I had the opportunity to talk with a friend of mine who is 30 years older than me with a sis with BPD.  I needed to talk to someone who has some later-stage life experience and retrospective to share.  Her advice to me was to do "what sisters do, what is part of a normal relationship that feels right."  I take that to mean to live by your values.  I said, "but that seems disingenuous".  The response, "If she thinks it is disingenuous, that is her problem.  You are sending it for you. It isn't about what she thinks."

I think your letter to your sis was very nice--it was genuine, vulnerable and true.  You were true to yourself and that is allowed, even admirable.

lenelou

[Mutt]

Hi Bigsismarie,

Controlled or minimal contact doesn’t have to have a hard and fast rule. If your sister reacts that’s on her - it’s her birthday your sending thoughts.

If you think that you can’t do it this year maybe think about sending it next year when you have more time behind you. It’s not easy to decide that you need to set hard boundaries because of the other and they act towards you.

A pwBPD have more of a chance to get help when they’re stuck in a corner - slowly everyone in their live have made the conscious decision to set boundaries. I’m the 90’s they called this tough love.

I have controlled contact with my exuBPDw it was hard to do and she’s not going to change because of me if she does it’s because of one of the kids. I chose to remove myself from her network so that maybe there’s a chance she may get help sooner rather than later.

Boundaries in a simple term is it keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. You can have boundaries and still love someone- hopefully this will make her think about her behaviours.