One year on

[BobsBurger]

I've been split up from my ex girlfriend for just over a year and I thought it might be nice to share with you good people where i'm at as a kind of free therapy for myself!

Backstory-->>
My story is pretty typical to those on these boards. I met a wonderful girl who treated me like I was the best thing ever, we had a great connection and she really tried to make the relationship work for the first couple of years. However, cracks began to show almost immediately as she showed an inability to deal with and handle emotions, anger and jealousy which resulted in never ending spirals of issues and fights over nothing, all of which were firmly designated my fault. She'd talk about breaking up in one breath and then getting married in the next, so I was never able to feel stable and confident in the relationship. Eventually it all became too much for her and we properly split up for a few months (more serious than the previous mini split ups). I didn't know anything about BPD at this point and I was left incredibly confused and depressed and turned it all internally into what I had done wrong. Eventually she came back though and I tried to get the relationship going again. For another year I gave up everything I could to try and make it work. I let her walk all over me and gave in in every way, leaving her with less and less respect for me. It all ended when I finally got the opportunity to move to her home town (we'd been moving around throughout our relationship)...the day before my flight, she phoned me up to tell me it was over. I had to move as i'd sorted a new job, so i got on a plane and moved half way across the world. I saw her once to get my stuff from her and haven't heard a peep from her since after a 5 year relationship.

There's so many more whaky details that i'd love to share, but ultimately they don't really matter any more. The relationship was always going to be an almost impossible battle and as much as I wish it could have worked, and even now after all the pain still want the future I had imagined, I didn't have the knowledge or tools to deal with it. For her part, I really feel she tried her best but she had no chance, battling against her own fears, emotions and in the end her lack of feelings, it was never going to be possible.

So now the focus is trying to recover. Depression is the worst enemy, I find myself still  falling into painful thoughts about the bad times in the relationship almost like I was living them again and the end result of her leaving, being left to deal with starting in a new country completely alone and that someone would do that to you, wondering if she'll ever come back and that even if she did it can't work now, jealous thoughts about who she inevitably left me for and how i'd handle those feelings if she came back. An often mentioned outcome of these relationships is a general confusion over it all, how to reconcile that someone who was supposedly madly in love with you eventually decided you were worthless or worse. I spent the first several months of the breakup in shock and confusion.

I'm slowly rebuilding, the pain is less like a hot poker and more like a heavy weight. I don't continually think about how amazing she was and remember all the great times, the really hard thoughts are less regular and everything doesn't remind me of her anymore. I have a new life that probably isn't worse than my old life, I keep very busy having met some really good people, I keep up on fitness and my career is actually going better as it was a bit of a distraction and solid thing to hold onto. But there's a long way to go, I'm constantly trying to keep my head out of the really bad depression. My confidence and self worth are still pretty pathetic and that ties in nicely with my complete lack of interest and almost fear of women and dating.

Will I ever hear from her again? That's the big question. In the near future, I really don't think so...she was in too much pain for too long. I've left relationships myself that I was horribly unhappy in and once you're out, even if you kind of know it was because of you're own issues, there's no going back. She's a smart girl and I think she knew that better than me from the outset. I'm not the first person that she's cut out and i won't be the last and she likes to proudly say how she never contacts people who she's decided were bad. I'm not sure if she knows that she has BPD, she certainly knew she had a horrible childhood and issues from that, she knew she handled emotions differently and that her relationships always disintegrated but as far as i know she never actually pinpointed a disorder.

But never say never right?...one of the things i liked about her the most was that she was unpredictable and lets face it, exs have a habit of popping out the odd facebook msg just to really mess with you! Then there's the little comments people make that are almost like secret signposts (i.e. subtle birthday ideas)...she said on a couple of occasions how she wished we could separate and bump into each other a few years down the line when it could be a new start. Fingers crossed I'll be able to handle a reappearance with good choices if she ever does reach out or even better I don't have to make a choice if I've completely moved on .

This board has been a lifesaver for me, understanding the disorder has really helped me get a perspective on what happened and why and knowing i'm not alone in this nightmarish tale is somewhat comforting. So thank you all for posting and commenting

[once removed]

hi BobsBurger, and

geez. the day before your flight. and after five years. did she give any reason? what reason could she possibly give?

i can certainly understand the depression. im wondering how the rebuilding is going, being in another country...have you been able to share your story with others or get any support?

[Mutt]

Hi Bobsburger,



I’d like to join once removed and welcome you to the family. I’m glad that you’re finding the site really helpful for you. She has patterns that are tailored around her, there were other people that she habitually did the same thing too. But you’re not all the spasme people it’s hard to say when and if you’ll back from her.

You can share with us here nobody will judge you. Do you want to talk to her? Do you wish that she was back?

Are you treating your depression with meds?

[BobsBurger]

Thanks for the welcome from you both and your feedback.

geez. the day before your flight. and after five years. did she give any reason? what reason could she possibly give?

i can certainly understand the depression. im wondering how the rebuilding is going, being in another country...have you been able to share your story with others or get any support?

It was certainly a shock but that was partly my fault as she'd been indicating that she was very unlikely to be able to get back to positive feelings for me. I really should have taken those warnings and acted on them to protect myself. Her reason was that she'd never been happy.

Rebuilding is going ok, I've got a few friends here already who are great and understanding. For the first few months I had to set up everything from accommodation to bank accounts which was a challenge when my energy was low and this new place had only associations to my ex. But I feel like i'm more back to normal now and living life. I was able to call friends and family back home when I needed support though which really helped. I also told every uber driver and barmaid I came across my story for the first month. And I tried therapy but didnt find a therapist that really seemed to have a grasp on BPD and the effects of those relationships

You can share with us here nobody will judge you. Do you want to talk to her? Do you wish that she was back?

Are you treating your depression with meds?

On one hand I'd love to talk to her about what happened and hear that she understands it wasn't all just me being a horrible person and that she in some way regrets what happened and takes some responsibility, but thats hugely unlikely and what would that really gain me anyway? I don't really see how we could have a relationship now since all trust is gone so I don't really want her to come back. But I do miss her still...so thats kind of confusing.

As for meds, I've always been slightly scared of meds in case they have a long term affect going on your serotonin levels but it's something i'm going to look into if it continues much longer.

 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bobs-  (sorry this is so long)

I am so very sorry for what you’ve been through.  The thoughtless behaviors seem to have no limit.  In spite of that torment, you deserve a huge amount of credit for actually starting your new job and having the guts to tell your story to Uber drivers and barmaids.  I do commend you for not shutting down.  And in my opinion, you’ve shown a real willingness to recover by making new friends.  Five years is a long time to be involved with a pwBPD.  We always seem to hold out so much hope in spite of the opposition we face.  Doesn’t seem to matter whether or not we are aware of the BPD label.  We march on hoping we can love our partners to wellness.

I want to offer up an alternative suggestion for depression and anxiety treatment.  This is something I have been using for just over two weeks now, and I am amazed at how much better I feel.  I have “failed” on 4 depression meds - 2 in 2011/2012; and  2 in the last 4 months.  I cannot take them.  Since last year I have been in my depths.  In 2011/2012, I was also there following violence from my ex-husband and resulting fleeing from my home and community.  I have taken anxiety meds since 2011.  I am off those now as well.

At any rate, my therapist suggested I try this thing called “Alpha-Stim” AID.  It is this little contraption, the size of an old transistor radio, or a TENS unit that you stick in your pocket.  Attached to it is a long wire with these two-sided clips that go on your earlobes.  The thing uses CES (cranial electric stimulation) at a frequency that you set.  I use it for an hour a day, stick the little machine in my apron pocket and read, sweep my floors, do laundry, work or whatever.  Honest to GOD, I have not felt this emotionally steady since 2010.  Right now I’m renting this unit from my therapist, but I spoke to my insurance company and they’re going to pay for it!  And they don’t like to pay for ANYTHING! 

I did research on the Alpha-Stim AFTER I began using it (didn’t want to be swayed by reading, i.e. no power of suggestion) and found that it’s approved by the US Food and Drug Admin And is used by the US  Dept of Defense for Vets suffering from PTSD, depression, anxiety and insomnia - with really positive results.  I’m kind of stunned by my improvement, which was pretty immediate.  My nightmares and nightsweats are gone.  I’m not afraid of quiet in my house, and the last anxiety pill I took was 1/2 a pill on 2/16.  That was the second day of using my “ear buzz”.

The cost from the manufacturer is $795 USD, but through my therapist it’s $595.  Probably less in Europe, as are most items by prescription.  The Alpha-Stim brand is made in the US.

I hope you can look into this thing.  I absolutely LOVE it.  I am beginning to recognize myself.  I also believe that I am finally, FINALLY taking a much healthier approach toward looking at my relationship and BPDbf to determine once and for all whether there is any reason in the world to consider allowing him to return.  He has been breaking my soul for 5.5 years now.

I wish there was a place on this site for recommendations like this. 

Wishing you all the best, Bobs.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Radcliff]

Let me join once removed, Mutt, and Gemsforeyes in welcoming you!  It sounds like you're making a good start at healing.  Take a look at the Lessons thread.  I particularly like the Five Stages of Detachment at the end of the first lesson.  Working through these stages and sharing your progress with us here can be a great help in getting you to a better place.

RC

[BobsBurger]

Thanks for the info and kind words Gemsforeyes, I'll certainly have a look into it.

And thanks for the welcome Radcliff, I'll have a look at the 5 stages... Will be interesting to see where I fit

[Radcliff]

I'll have a look at the 5 stages... Will be interesting to see where I fit

Let us know what you think!

RC

[FJM]

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BobsBurgers

u have some balls my man. To start all over again with your new job.
Things will get better.