BPD Parent Wisdom

[smokyquartz]

I recently stumbled upon a post where someone shared some great pieces of wisdom regarding navigating relationships with someone who has BPD. They had collected the ideas and quotes from readings.

I’d love to hear if anyone else has wisdom they’ve held on to.

I am in need of support with the grieving process, and navigating a relationship, that I think I would like to make low contact. Currently processing lots of difficult memories, and having a lot of tears.

[CautiousHopeful]

Hi smokyquartz,

I just wanted to send some support in that I am in a grieving process too, and have only really fully grasped that BPD is definitely what fits my mother in the last few weeks. I have woken up crying some mornings, but I think it is all part of the grieving process and that it is ok and you will be ok. So I just wanted to send some moral support.

As for going LC, I'm still navigating this area myself, so I don't have much advice to give at this stage. I have been calling my mother less often, and I know she's picked up on this and it makes her insecure, but then I will get worried about her and call her, so it's like being in this balancing act of how to manage interactions with her. But I'm thinking there may be ways to gradually reduce contact, to establish a new normal with them. But I'm not really good in this area myself yet.

Most of all take care of yourself and nurture yourself. I think those of us with a BPD mother have often been trained to think not of our own feelings and well being but to prioritise that of another, so it is almost like we've been programmed a certain way. So even just thinking of what kind things you can do for yourself today and prioritising those can help, and I'm trying to do that for myself.

So take care and you will get through it!

[smokyquartz]

Thank you Cautiously Hopeful. It sounds like we are in the same point. I had the thought before, but only now are all the pieces falling into place and making perfect sense. I am reading “Surviving a Borderline Parent” and the first few chapters were very hard, but validating. I’m not finished the book yet, but it is really good so far. I’m feeling less alone with that resource, and this board.

It’s so difficult...I had a rough day on Friday and now I am getting back to my own life rhythm again. It helps that there is physical distance between myself and my mom. I live in another state.

It’s tough to be swept up in someone else’s stuff, and the memories can be very painful to reflect on. I’m still wondering what to do with it all. Actually, I’m seriously considering writing a book.

Thank you for the solidarity.  ♥️

[Turkish]

Many people over the years have told me I should write a book, and that was before my uBPD ex who was the other bookend on my life.  

Can you share how the STBP book has helped you?

[smokyquartz]

I think the way it’s helped me most is to understand that I am not making things up, and that my experience was real, and not just to me. I sometimes thought I was exaggerating or making things seem worse than they were. So, in some ways it’s difficult to read because it’s sad to think about. But, it’s good because you nod through the chapters just feeling like you’re finally understood.

[zachira]

You are searching for answers and ways to have a better life, despite having a parent with BPD. You would like us to share some of our wisdom. I have a mother and two siblings who all have BPD and NPD. The biggest lesson I have learned is that I am not crazy, and that the best thing I can do for myself is work on not being so affected by all the things I get unfairly blamed for, that they dump negative feelings about themselves on others because they cannot accept how they feel about themselves. I am working on two things: 1) Strengthening my inner resources so I am more in touch with my feelings, strengths and resources, and less affected by the negative behaviors of others, including my family members. 2) Going low contact as much as possible. Going no contact is not possible in my situation. You are grieving the terrible losses that come from being raised by a parent with BPD. Know that you are not alone in this. The grieving never really ends, though we can get to a place where we are less affected by the pain of being raised by a parent with BPD. As we deal with our grief and pain, the amount of happiness and joy we feel and experience increases, and the amount of time we spend in pain becomes something we can control most of the time. What works for me, is to take time every day to be present in the moment for around an hour, to observe my feelings as they come up. This mindfulness practice allows me to grieve what is coming up in the moment and makes it so I am less overwhelmed when one of my family members with BPD and NPD goes on one of their rampages or when I feel upset when I interact with people whose negative behaviors are similar to my family members. We are here to support you in navigating the grief process and making a better life for yourself. Post any time. Share with us your good days as well as the challenging ones, as from my experience, the biggest challenge is to recognize our strengths and allow ourselves to feel and do what brings us joy and happiness, despite the challenges.