Might take a risk and perhaps stir the pot.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So things have been going pretty well for about a week until yesterday. I caught my wife in a petty lie yesterday that wasn’t even worth lying about. The lie was about stopping by the bank, of course she’s had some money problems lately, so not sure if she’s still sensitive about money.  Being me I can’t stand to be lied to and knew she was lying so I asked her what it was that she was trying to conceal and what was the point of trying to even conceal something that doesn’t even need to be concealed. Of course this set her off leading to the usual divorce threats, we have no future etc.

Today at work she was very nice during our phone conversation while at work(sure listening ears were around) trying to set a schedule for our evening.  She called me later on the way home with a different agenda, being very rude, critical, and belittling. I told her I’d let her go and see her later, since there was no point of listening to that.  Now that she is home she’s very moody. So now I’m debating just keeping to myself for the time being, or two possibly going to shower her with love and affection. I’m sure the latter runs the risk of frustrating her some and just stirring  the pot but heck she’s already mad so what’s the loss?

[Ltahoe]

So things have been going pretty well for about a week until yesterday. I caught my wife in a petty lie yesterday that wasn’t even worth lying about. The lie was about stopping by the bank, of course she’s had some money problems lately, so not sure if she’s still sensitive about money.  Being me I can’t stand to be lied to and knew she was lying so I asked her what it was that she was trying to conceal and what was the point of trying to even conceal something that doesn’t even need to be concealed. Of course this set her off leading to the usual divorce threats, we have no future etc.

Today at work she was very nice during our phone conversation while at work(sure listening ears were around) trying to set a schedule for our evening.  She called me later on the way home with a different agenda, being very rude, critical, and belittling. I told her I’d let her go and see her later, since there was no point of listening to that.  Now that she is home she’s very moody. So now I’m debating just keeping to myself for the time being, or two possibly going to shower her with love and affection. I’m sure the latter runs the risk of frustrating her some and just stirring  the pot but heck she’s already mad so what’s the loss?

[Ltahoe]

Well interestingly enough it worked out well this time. I had got ready as per the original plans just walked up to my wife and gave her a big smooch she didn’t reject so continued. Then she asked what I want, saw she was doing something productive on the PC so I validated what she was doing. Then she noticed I was dressed to go out and asked where I was going so I told her what she originally planned before being moody. So it all worked out in the end.

Maybe part  of dealing with her rages is just having the ability to not take it personal. Yet still being able to go on like nothing happened. Although I can’t say this would work out 100% of the time.

[Cat Familiar]

Maybe part  of dealing with her rages is just having the ability to not take it personal. Yet still being able to go on like nothing happened. Although I can’t say this would work out 100% of the time.

I think not taking the behavior personally is key to having a more peaceful, happy relationship.  

Often I'll ask myself, "How important is this really?" when I'm considering confronting my husband about something that he's done that has annoyed me. If it's say a 6 or 7 on the scale of importance, then it's worth doing, but if it's something really minor, like him leaving out a jar of jam, uncovered on the kitchen counter (a "1", if no ants are involved), then I'll just note to myself that it's something that bothers me, take care of it, and let it go.

Of course you don't like to be lied to, but she probably has some embarrassment about her spending habits, so confronting her about her lie undoubtedly triggered her shame. That's one of those issues where you could discern whether confrontation would be important, or not. And if the response you get is shame, leading to anger and blame, then why even try to communicate your point that she lied about something that wasn't worth lying about?

[Perdita]

Ltahoe, you might remember my recent post you replied to about him shouting me awake at 4AM because he misplaced his stuff. That night when he got home he left me alone because I was sleeping and he knew I was pissed off. When I woke up I followed the same approach you did and yes, it defused the situation.

Nevertheless since then - Tuesday- there's been so many other things. So yes, this approach works, buf it's not as though they will ever step up and make changes imo. This morning I woke up and found my new kitchen scissors in the bathroom.  He used it to trim his nose hair. Right now he is getting ready to help some guy pick up weed because one truck can't handle it all. He says they are moving furniture,  but trust me I know it's weed because of whom it involves and the location.

Lies, lies and more lies. It doesn't matter why they do it. It's  still f up.

[Ltahoe]

Perdita

Yes I’m not sure the approach will work all the time. I just feel like if I’m knowing the risk and it doesn’t work I won’t take it personal from now on. 

Yes that’s one of the hardest things for me to accept are the lies upon lies. It really makes it confusing are they lying out of habit or cover up lying? Focusing and thinking about it drives me nuts sometimes. Of course if I was to lie most likely would have a motive which is probably why my default reaction to someone lying is it’s never good. Not that I’m justifying lies but there’s very few reasons to legitimately lie. Perhaps maintaining a surprise, but then again it’s a lie to protect something which makes me ask why the lies.  Because if the lies I ask myself if her money issues are bigger than what she says and she’s hiding money, using alternative accounts to conceal something etc.

[Cat Familiar]

"Why the lies?" I witnessed this with my mother and it seemed like she occasionally lied for no good reason. If questioned, she'd double down on the lie and then it became part of the historical record.

Perhaps it's shame, maybe it's out of convenience, but it never made sense to me either. Then I started wondering, just what is the truth? And what have I accepted as the truth which was really something that was made up on the spur of the moment?