Part 2: Wife not giving me access to son

[Dragon72]

Mod Note:  This thread is a continuation:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328120.0;all


I'm in good hands, lawyer-wise and I'm sure I will get an outcome that will reunite me with my son.

That said, and what is really distressing me right now is that my son, and all of my wife's family view me as a pederast.

I don't want to absolve my wife of responsibility of what she's doing to me which is vicious beyond imagination, but I seriously think that she is doing what she is doing because she thinks that I really am a threat to our son.

She doesn't and won't accept that it is a paranoid delusion triggered by a memory of her own trauma from when she was abused as a child.

It's breaking my heart what she's doing and it's hurting our son as much as it is hurting me.

[formflier]

As a person that has been in a relationship with someone that is paranoid... it's very heartbreaking... and "tempting" to try and force them to "see" your reality.

The less of that you can do... the better.

The more you can let "natural processes" expose her to reality... .the better.  Don't persecute or "push" it... but definitely don't "save" her either.

That you have a son together means there will be some sort of relationship for many years to come.  Resist "helping" her connect the dots.  But don't "save" her from a "dot" that is barreling towards her.

The more you can focus on health for your child... the better.

Hang in there Dragon... .give us an update when you can.

FF

[Dragon72]

There's really not much I can do anyway.

My wife has cut off all contact via phone or email as she has changed numbers/accounts. Her family don't want to get involved. No doubt they believe what my wife has been saying. I'm not going to go knocking on her door. She'd just use that to portray me as a dangerous psycho.

She has our son and I've not had any news about him since 9/15. There is literally nothing I can do except let the lawyers do their thing.

I miss him so much, and it's killing me to think that my wife is brainwashing him into thinking I'm evil.

[david]

When you finally do see him keep things even keel and let him do most of the talking. Listen and validate. Our boys figured ex out by me simply doing that in the beginning. What she was telling them and what they were seeing from me was very different. Eventually they stopped believing what ex said to them about anything. She dug that hole and she will have to climb out of it. I wouldn't put money on her doing that.
Even when our boys see her they have little interaction with her. It's more of an obligatory thing like holidays, etc.

[ForeverDad]

I was blocked by my then-separated spouse for 3 months back in 2006.  It took me a month to get a divorce filed, then nearly two months for the initial hearing.  I didn't get any contact with him, not even by phone, during that time.  He was barely 4 years old, so I couldn't see him at school.  She didn't work (a regular job) so there was no daycare to visit to see him.  I called her phone (which I was paying for) almost daily but she refused to answer or just hung up.

It was hard, very hard emotionally.  However, I had the good sense to resist my impulses to go knock on her door.  I asked the local police to accompany me to ensure a peaceful visit but they refused since I didn't have a court order in my hand.  On the other hand, they assured me they'd come rushing if she called them complaining I had come.  I was very sure I didn't want to get arrested on contrived claims.  So I had to bite my tongue and stay away until the court hearing for a temporary order.  We had previously had temp orders based on allegations where I had alternate weekends but all three cases had been dismissed.  The same magistrate confirmed with her that she had blocked all contact and all he said was, "I'll fix that."  He just made a new order with the same schedule as before.  No consequences for her.  No make-up time for me.  So frustrating.  It was a huge impact on my family but just another day at work for the magistrate.

If you already have a case begun in Domestic Court then not much more you can do but move at it's pace.  At the least your lawyer should be sending her lawyer, or her if she has no declared lawyer, a request for contact, both by phone and in person.  Maybe send it weekly until you get contact or you get to court?  It should be unsupervised but odds are she will claim she's blocking because you're substantively abusive, neglectful or endangering your children.  (Those are categories that CPS typically sees as 'actionable'.)  It would be better if she just told the truth and states she hates you.  She's messed up, but not that messed up to tell the truth.

[Dragon72]

My lawyers and I are going on the offensive now as my wife and her lawyer are dragging the thing out with their trumped up "probable sex abuse" claim due to their rigged psych evaluation on our son.

So we're launching a prosecution against my wife of malicious litigation and procedural fraud.  I know this will probably escalate things even more, but I'm not going to let her turn my (and my son's) life to hell when I have done nothing wrong.

Buckle up. This is going to turn ugly.

[formflier]

Have you been able to have time with your son?

Hang in there Dragon!

FF

[Dragon72]

I haven't seen him since August 7th.
I haven't spoken to him since September 15th when my wife cut off all communication with me.
I gotta admit it's been hard.

[ForeverDad]

I had two temp orders, one was during the first months of our separation and the other was issued when we had the first divorce hearing.  There were 3 months in between where she blocked my father -son contact because I refused her terms which would have limited me to supervised visitation.  Both orders were by the same magistrate.  Upon our return for the divorce, he confirmed with her that she had totally blocked contact and he remarked, "I'll fix that."  His solution was to reinstate the prior order where I had alternate weekends.  No, he didn't give her consequences, not even a lecture or finger wagging.  No, I didn't get make-up time.  However, my divorce lawyer had told me to not speak up and he'd fix things later.  Later turned out to be 2 years later in the final decree.  Yuck.  He was worried that with all of ex's allegations that the court might make things even worse for me, but as I look back I wonder why we couldn't have asked for make-up time.  Probably wouldn't have gotten it, courts want to move on and not obsess over spilled milk, but I would have felt slightly more empowered.

Once court has discounted her claims, your lawyer should ponder asking for make-up time, or at least not leaving things unchanged and moving on as though nothing had happened and now everything was hunky-dory.  That's what happened during my divorce two years, many issues and none addressed until we settled on Trial Day just before it was to start.

[Dragon72]

114 days and counting since my wife stole my son from me.

We're still waiting for two main things. The judge will meet my son on January 28th, and then we'll get our day in court on February 11th.

The newest development is that the court has now given my lawyer and me an appointment to go there and file our action for "procedural fraud" against my wife and her lawyer: Friday.  No idea how long that process will take.

Meantime, we got a copy of the testimony the judge asked for from the marriage therapist (the one who told me she thought my wife was delusional and paranoid). In her testimony she said nothing of the kind. She sat on the fence, said that there were "communication issues" between the two of us, and not much else.  Very disappointing.  I was really hoping she would be a useful witness.

I really feel frustrated with the way things are going.  I'm going to find it very difficult to show to the courts that my wife has a history of irrational mistrust towards me, which I think is key to my defense.

I've now spent north of US$10,000 on my legal team and haven't seemed to have progressed very far at all.

[formflier]

For the therapist... .can you make her give "testimony" where she responds to questions... vice just formulating her response herself?

I'm not surprised at all that she didn't want to give a strong opinion, without answering direct questions.  If it was me... .I wouldn't.  I would describe something in general terms and then allow either side to follow up with detailed questions

FF

[Dragon72]

She was given specific questions, including asking about whether she thought my wife was showing signs of delusions or paranoia. Her answer was that she was there to help with our marital problems, not as a psychotherapist and that therefore couldn't comment on my wife's mental state. She dodged the key question.

[formflier]

She was given specific questions, including asking about whether she thought my wife was showing signs of delusions or paranoia. Her answer was that she was there to help with our marital problems, not as a psychotherapist and that therefore couldn't comment on my wife's mental state. She dodged the key question.

OK... the follow up questions.

Are you ethically allowed to repeat observations and judgments made in session?  (your L should understand this as well).

Then... ."Explain more fully your meaning and intent of the following comments made to Dragon72."  (have your L generally relate what she said).

This could be a dodge or it could be her following her ethical guidelines. 

Her answer will most likely be "I did say she "seemed" paranoid, but that was not the focus on my practice and I'm not licensed to diagnose such things since I'm not a psychologist"

or something like that.

FF

[Dragon72]

Bottom line is that she doesn't look like she wants to get involved for whatever reason and as such is not a useful witness.

Back to the drawing board.

[formflier]

Bottom line is that she doesn't look like she wants to get involved for whatever reason and as such is not a useful witness.

Back to the drawing board.

It's not about what she "wants".  It's about the information she has... that you have a right to demand.  Your L and your wife's L can sort out by cross examination how useful it is.

Seriously... .unless there is a legal reason to skip it... . 

Said another way... people don't get to answer only the questions they "want" to answer in court... .they answer the questions they are asked, unless there is a specific legal reason or protection not to. 

FF

[worriedStepmom]

Are you going to be able to get the court to order a psychological evaluation of your wife?  If the MC can be convinced to testify truthfully about her suspicions and/or to recommend that an evaluation take place, that could help.

[ForeverDad]

Are you going to be able to get the court to order a psychological evaluation of your wife?  If the MC can be convinced to testify truthfully about her suspicions and/or to recommend that an evaluation take place, that could help.

An accusing parent claiming to be a victim can prompt a court to order an evaluation of the claimed abuser, and hard for the accused to get the other included in evaluations.  In this case, the MC may be reluctant to point a finger at one person as The Problem Parent.  However, a question such as this, not pointing a finger at one specific parent, may get a helpful answer:  "Do you think it would be helpful or even recommended for the parents to both be evaluated, whether in psychological evaluations or more in-depth custody evaluation?"

[formflier]

  However, a question such as this, not pointing a finger at one specific parent, may get a helpful answer:  "Do you think it would be helpful or even recommended for the parents to both be evaluated, whether in psychological evaluations or more in-depth custody evaluation?"

Solid question! 

FF

[Dragon72]

I spent Friday with my lawyer in the Public Prosecutors' office.  We presented our case to the prosecutor and they agreed to charge my wife with three crimes under Mexican law:
1. "Fraude procesal" (case fraud) due to the false allegations such as me putting surveillance cameras in the home, also the cooked psychological evaluation done on my son by a psychologist paid by my wife, the late addition of this evaluation when it was clear that the judge was ruling in my favor, the words that were put in my son's mouth when he described a lewd act that never happened.
2. Denial of the rights of father and son to see each other.
3. Parental Alienation: the false memory he was given and the fact that he has referred to his "new Daddy" because I am "no longer his Daddy".

The police went to inform her yesterday that she is under investigation.  As part of the process, the public prosecutors have ordered a psych eval of all three of us (my wife, son and me) but this time with a court-appointed psychologist.

We'll see how it goes, but all in all I feel good that I am doing something proactive to show the courts and the world that what my wife is doing is unlawful and is maliciously hurtful towards me and that she must pay the consequences of her actions.

There is potential for a custodial sentence for her if found guilty, albeit very short, or maybe fines, but in any case, if she is guilty of any of the three charges, her chances of getting full custody will be adversely affected.

[formflier]

Hang in there Dragon... .remember.  You are playing the "long game".  This seems like an important step!

FF

[Enabler]

Well done Dragon, you had a great handle on the situation, kept composure and made some discerning choices utilising excellent legal counsel.

Needless to say, but I will say it anyway, no one wins or loses here, especially not your son, but you being involved in his upbringing is utterly important and it seems like you are achieving this goal. Achieving clarity (by the courts) regarding your wife's potential to parental alienate and attempts to deceive the courts will hopefully lay the foundations for a more healthy co-parenting relationship; or if this is not within your stbexW's cognitive potential, allow you to seek greater levels of custody or supervised visitation.

Sending strength through the ether

Enabler

[Dragon72]

Thanks for the replies.

I suspect, given the lengths my stbxw has gone already to try to delete me from her and our son's life, I reckon that I'm in for an extra testing co-parenting experience if/when this all shakes out.
And I think that there will be many an unexpected twist and turn in the legal processes to get us to that point.

I'm up against a woman who has split so hard I think she won't stop until I am out of her life permanently. We're talking Terminator-like determination here.

[formflier]

My hope is the "terminator like determination" will lead her to overplay her hand, if she hasn't already.

Stay steady...

FF

[Dragon72]

Well it's been 5 and a half months since my wife stole my son (now 5) and left me.

She has now reported me to the authorities for child sex abuse, using as "evidence" a transcript of a conversation between my son and a child psychologist that my wife hired. In the transcript, my son is reported saying that I molested him.  She must have put those words in his mouth because I have always had a great relationship with my son and have never done anything remotely inappropriate with him. 

The judge in our custody case has asked meet my son on Monday and he wants me to be there too, presumably to see how my son acts in my presence. 

Although I'm really looking forward to seeing my son for the first time since his abduction, I'm scared that he might have been brainwashed into thinking of me as a monster. If that's the case it will affect me emotionally very deeply and also not be good for my case. She's had nearly half a year (in the life of a 5 year old) to turn him against me.

We have our custody hearing on February 11th, which will be made more complicated by having to defend the malicious lies about the child abuse.  I'm very stressed. 

I just can't believe the lengths my wife is going to destroy me and get me out of her and my son's life.  Either she's pure evil or she's delusional and really believes the lies she's telling herself and everybody else. Either way it's horrific, what she's doing.

[kells76]

Hi Dragon72,

Good to hear from you again -- thanks for letting us know how things are going. I hope you made it through the holidays OK.

5+ months is an excruciatingly long time. So sorry she has sunk this low. She's fighting dirty which is ultimately unfair to your son. Like FF mentioned before, the one possible upside is that she overplays her hand.

That's great that you get to see your son on Monday though!    I can understand your worry about how it might go if she has "worked" on him. Maybe check with your L on this beforehand, but what if you brought a present for him? And maybe a photo album of the two of you doing fun things in the past? A game you guys like to play together? A treat to share? A positive distraction or two might "short-circuit" anything his mom may have tried, especially at his young age.

And is this a situation where someone else will be present besides you, Son, & Judge?

Praying for your situation... .

kells76

[Dragon72]

Thanks Kells76, your words are greatly appreciated.

As far as I know it'll be my son, the judge and a couple of his officials and me. My lawyers says that's her best guess and that it's up to the judge.

As for bringing him something, I think I won't do that as I don't want him to be focused on that thing during our few moments together. Plus I don't want the opposition to portray me as buying his affection. I think I will remind him of some of the fun times we had though. Good call.

[formflier]

Will be praying for a good outcome of the meeting. 

Hang in there Dragon.

FF

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 3 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334547.0