Part 3: Wife not giving me access to son

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod Note:  this thread continues from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334546.0


Yesterday was tough, but things are going my way.
I only got to see my son for about 10 seconds when he finished his 45 minute interview with the judge. He seemed confused and reticent, but it was great to finally see him after nearly six months.

I got to read a transcript of his testimony afterwards. Nothing negative about me whatsoever, but lots of evidence of parental alienation from my wife in what he said. This is very good for my case.

We also got to read in detail the police's investigation report from August when my wife reported me for child abuse.  The police-led interviews with my son didn't uncover any signs of wrongdoing on my part and so, in spite of my wife's claims, they dropped the investigation. Also very good for my case.

So the only thing that my wife has against me is a separate report written by a child psychologist that my wife hired privately in which my son is said to have stated that I abused him.  And this has been negated by the police's own independent investigation.

We were hoping that the judge might have ruled on a visitation plan, but she has ordered psych evals on my wife, my son and me. It could take weeks if not months for that to take place, particularly if my wife plays awkward.

But the good news is that my case is getting stronger and stronger and my wife's is getting weaker and weaker.

[Dragon72]

Mod Note:  this thread continues from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334546.0


Yesterday was tough, but things are going my way.
I only got to see my son for about 10 seconds when he finished his 45 minute interview with the judge. He seemed confused and reticent, but it was great to finally see him after nearly six months.

I got to read a transcript of his testimony afterwards. Nothing negative about me whatsoever, but lots of evidence of parental alienation from my wife in what he said. This is very good for my case.

We also got to read in detail the police's investigation report from August when my wife reported me for child abuse.  The police-led interviews with my son didn't uncover any signs of wrongdoing on my part and so, in spite of my wife's claims, they dropped the investigation. Also very good for my case.

So the only thing that my wife has against me is a separate report written by a child psychologist that my wife hired privately in which my son is said to have stated that I abused him.  And this has been negated by the police's own independent investigation.

We were hoping that the judge might have ruled on a visitation plan, but she has ordered psych evals on my wife, my son and me. It could take weeks if not months for that to take place, particularly if my wife plays awkward.

But the good news is that my case is getting stronger and stronger and my wife's is getting weaker and weaker.

[formflier]

We were hoping that the judge might have ruled on a visitation plan, but she has ordered psych evals on my wife, my son and me. It could take weeks if not months for that to take place, particularly if my wife plays awkward.
 

This is good news.

I would hope you could revisit the issue of having the MC provide, or be compelled to provide notes and observations from her time with you and your wife.

What are your L's thoughts on that?  I do somewhat agree with what I remember of the MC saying it wasn't her job to make "judgments" or that she didn't have enough information/observation to make one.

However, I think some questions to her about advice she gave and did it appear there was effort at compliance or what kinds of things were said to her/in her notes would be helpful.

   

All part of building a picture.

FF

[livednlearned]

Can you file an emergency order to petition for supervised visitation during the psych eval phase?

If not, can your lawyer put conditional language in the motion for psych evals? Meaning, they must be done by day/date, and if they aren't, then Dragon72 is permitted to have unsupervised visitation with the minor child effective immediately.

In other words, clear consequences for non-compliance, stonewalling, or obstruction.

Those are forces of mass destruction in a high-conflict case. You can water them down with conditions for being uncooperative.

[Enabler]

This news sounds really positive.

Re MC ‘evidence’, when I went to MC I signed something declaring nothing I said in the sessions was admissible in court nor would the T be willing  to give evidence... .I guess that makes the sessions more open... .at the time

[ForeverDad]

Psych evals are good but may be of limited benefit.  They may identify PD traits but not detail how they could or would impact parenting.  A custody evaluation performed by an experienced expert digs deeper into the family dynamic and dysfunction.  Did the judge name a reputable expert familiar and trusted by the court?

My experience when I first separated... .  Our court order was we both to take psych evals and share the results with the other side.  I went to the county agency and a psych student from the local university gave me a test and interviewed me.  It was a one page report listing: anxiety.  Well, clueless me, I just let my lawyer hand over my results.  Then we waited.  And waited.  To this day I still don't know if she ever went for her evaluation.  From frustrations like that I learned to tell my lawyer, don't share or gift anything first if information is to be exchanged.  "Dear other lawyer, We have FD's results.  Please inform us when Ex's results are ready so we can exchange them at the same time."

I would not be surprised that your ex won't have her eval done by the next court hearing.  Your lawyer should then present your results and seek an immediate and generous parenting schedule.

Not that we want to give the impression to anyone that we're okay with limited to supervised visitation, but if that's the only temporary option, then it's okay to ask for that.

Be very prepared that the court may issue a decision based only on "going forward".  Sadly, many courts let go of the past events, I've concluded it tries to avoid making either parent look bad, hoping the parents figure out how to get along post-marriage.  You can ask for make-up time.  (Actually, I think you should!   What is your lawyer's stance on that?)  How she managed to contrive 6 months of blocking is horrendous.  Are you asking for at least 50% time?  Leave the door open in case her eval is bad and your lawyer jump on it and ask for majority time.

[formflier]

Dragon72,

I hope you can see  from these stories that having your legal team demand consequences for obstruction/inaction is important.  Also important that you realize you may not get everything you want but are establishing a pattern. 

I would ask for full custody based on non-compliance, should she not comply.  I also wouldn't expect to get it, but it sets the stage.

Next time when there is non-compliance you will have proof that what the court considered "adequate leverage" in the past is was inadequate and have a reason to ask for more.

FF

[ForeverDad]

I hope you can see  from these stories that having your legal team demand consequences for obstruction/inaction is important.  Also important that you realize you may not get everything you want but are establishing a pattern. 

I would ask for full custody based on non-compliance, should she not comply.  I also wouldn't expect to get it, but it sets the stage.

Next time when there is non-compliance you will have proof that what the court considered "adequate leverage" in the past is was inadequate and have a reason to ask for more.

Probably you've already stated clearly (and on the record) that you want to be an involved parent and are stepping forward to do so.  But courts have a sad habit of defaulting to mother gets the kids.  Society has created an environment where dads are expected to exist on the periphery of the children's lives and subsist on visitation rather than (to state it better) parenting.  Court may not remember from one hearing to the next that you want to step up to more parenting, so don't be timid about stating that in your paperwork.  The first time or two it may not have much impact but with ex's continuing sabotaging behavior your request will be heard louder and louder.  Remember, the court needs to recognize the ex is the one causing problems and you're the one proposing solutions.

[Dragon72]

I'm not sure how different the system is here in Mexico.  I understand that fathers' rights are enshrined in the national human rights constitution and part of law, so that's a good thing.

Bear in mind that my lawyer and I have also launched a criminal investigation against my wife and her lawyer of procedural ("fraude procesal" in Spanish) in the way they have been conducting their custody case with the unwarranted objections, delays, inaccuracies and untruths they have used to kick the can down the road.

The cogs of the machinery have been working super slowly to even get before the judge. Maybe that's because, with 23 million or so citizens in this urban area, there is a wee bit of backlog in the court system.   We finally get to present our evidence and witnesses formally to the judge on February 11th, at which point we will make another request for visitation, supervised or otherwise.

I am going for full custody.  Although any evaluation of the living spaces will probably side with my wife - since she lives with her brother, his wife and my son's cousins. Whereas I live on my own, if you don't count Poseidon, my son's goldfish, in a much smaller house.

I'm also very much worried about the fact that my son hasn't been in school since July, and I would like the judge to do something urgently to address that.

I guess there will be developments on the 11th, hopefully positive and not filibustered by my stbx wife.

[formflier]

I'm also very much worried about the fact that my son hasn't been in school since July, and I would like the judge to do something urgently to address that.

 

This really stuck out to me.

I would encourage your lawyers to make a big deal of the fact that you are a school teacher, you son gets free school (or whatever the deal) at your place and they OBVIOUSLY aren't interested in this well being by denying him school.

There are plenty of shocking things in your case... .this one may have more leverage than you think.

It sounds like your lawyers are  aggressive.  This is good. 

Hang in there man.

FF

[ForeverDad]

I too found that court took school issues more seriously.  I was last before the court, for two full days, in late 2013.  I documented how I was being disparaged repeatedly by my ex.  School also testified on issues with my ex.

While I did get the majority time I sought, it was only during the school year.  It was obvious that the magistrate agreed ex was causing problems but the solution ordered to a large extent covered just the school year despite my year-round issues.

This is not to say your blocked parenting isn't important, it is, but having the school issue up front (both parenting + school) should help you immensely.

[david]

I filed for more time years ago. My petition spelled out the reason and it was simple. My ex was not helping our boys with their school work even though she had majority time. My ex dragged things in court for as long as she could which was about three years. During that time ex never changed her behavior. I had copies of every homework during those years. It was about 8 inches tall. I made a sheet with all the information about the pile. If I recall correctly our boys did over 95 % of all their school work when with me. When we finally went to court I was given exactly what I was seeking. All ex had was accusations, with no proof since I did nothing wrong,  that I was abusive.

[formflier]

Dragon72,

Not sure how much writing and stuff you have to do for your Ls.

Something that might focus you and occupy some time is to create a learning plan (you may have better name for it) for your son.

Make sure start date is several years ago.  Add supporting documents to show milestones and have an area where you show your plans for him (as if you didn't know you and wife would split)

Project out the plan for a year or two with "levels" you expect him to be at.

Then... .in a separate document have a summary of what he has missed from being out of school and how far he is likely to have regressed.

Then... .have a plan for how to get him back on track when the judge orders him back to school and into your care for learning.  (very important this document is all about your sons learning AND the part you have played in it due to your unique qualifications)

So... .Judge, as you can see junior has missed a lot of growth, but if you sign here we'll start on Monday with this plan.  After two months on this plan we'll be able to submit a more formal report to the court of where junior is education wise.

Doing this will give you focus and could be a big help to lawyers. Very important to have the "sign here judge and all this will happen plan"

FF

[Dragon72]

It went fairly well on Monday. For my case, at least.

I had to answer some basic yes/no questions prepared my my wife's lawyer and put to me by the court secretary. Some I found hard to answer, such as "Have you ever been to your wife and son's current residence?" Given that each time my lawyers and actuaries have tried to deliver papers to my wife at the address she has supplied nobody answered the doorbell, I had to answer "No, because I am not certain where my wife currently resides." All the other questions were easy and uncontroversial.

My wife, however lied and lied and lied under oath about simple and easily provable stuff. Like "Since you married, did you ever work?" Her answer: "No." She continued working right up until the birth of our son.  We can easily get the tax records on that.  Also: "Did your husband contact you after the separation asking to see your son?" Answer: "No." I can show dozens of Whatsapp messages that prove otherwise.
And there were several other blatant demonstrable lies. My lawyer couldn't believe how much she was lying and nor could I.

My lawyer is preparing a response to put to the judge, as well as a plea for her to address the fact that my son is being deprived of an education all this time.

They didn't get to see my witness and so they set a date for the next hearing. June 4th! So far away. I feel like this will never end!  She took my son away from me on August 7th, so it will be getting on for a year that this nightmare lasts. Maybe longer.

[flourdust]

That hearing is pretty far off -- but with all the demonstrable lies, is it possible your lawyer can submit your evidence that she lied on the stand along with an emergency motion to grant you immediate visitation or custody?

[formflier]

Ugg... my hope is with proof of lying that an emergency hearing can be gotten much quicker.

Keep the long view as well.  Lying under oath is a powerful weapon she has handed you.  Hopefully your L team can figure out how best to use it.

FF

[livednlearned]

That hearing is pretty far off -- but with all the demonstrable lies, is it possible your lawyer can submit your evidence that she lied on the stand along with an emergency motion to grant you immediate visitation or custody?

Or even the fact he's being deprived of a valid education. The plea sounds like a good plan (not sure if that's different than an ex parte or emergency order), that the extent of lying in court raises issues for you about other urgent matters not least of which is his education.  

I hope you get some movement before June 4.

[Dragon72]

The latest is that the police and public prosecutors have now officially closed the investigation file regarding the child abuse that my wife alleged I did.  They said that there was absolutely no evidence to suggest that any abuse took place.  Good. 

My lawyer says that the judge should rule on an albeit temporary visitation plan in the next couple of weeks and she is pressing hard for a injunction to require my wife to return our son to his school which he has not attended since July.

However, my lawyer also said that she very much expects my wife to appeal everything, thus dragging the process out.

[formflier]

However, my lawyer also said that she very much expects my wife to appeal everything, thus dragging the process out.

Can you ask that the ruling state you get visitation during the appeals process?  Basically asking if there is a legal way to get in front of appeals/make sure that during appeals you can start rebuilding a relationship with your son AND he can start catching up again on  school.

Did you ever run the idea by your L about presenting the impact of lack of school on your child's development and how you are uniquely qualified to help get him back on track.

Perhaps you ask for periods of custody AND periods of time dedicated to schoolwork or something like that.  Even if it gets rolled back to "just" custody you are shifting the argument to what's best for the child.

I'm so glad the police file is getting closed.  Hang in there... this is a marathon.

FF

[ForeverDad]

I agree with formflier, ask for the decision to include a clause for interim contact and schooling should the decision be objected or appealed.  That alone may deflate ex's sense of entitlement and control, knowing that an appeal won't keep you blocked for longer.  Then again, she may still not listen to reason or reasonable outcomes.  But at least you've been as strategic as possible and will have prepared an excellent case.

I think in USA courts an appeal may ask for a 'stay' of the decision.  I don't know if you can propose the above in a decision because you don't know how ex will respond legally.  But there ought to be some way to word it so contact and schooling is restored despite a possible appeal?

[Dragon72]

Good news: we're expecting a decree from the judge today regarding my son's return to school and about visitation for me.  We're also expecting my wife to appeal. However, mt lawyer expects that I should get to have some sort of access to my son within the next 3 weeks or so.  We'll see how that shakes out.

Bad news: my employer has not been applying the withholding of money for my wife and son from my salary at the rate they were ordered by the judge to do so.  The judge ordered 20% for child support and 10% for my wife. So, 30% in total. This was back in September.  However, they have only been taking out 10% all this time.  My employer now wants to rectify the error by taking out the correct 30%, plus the owed 20% from every pay check for the next 7 months, before they reduce to 30% again.

This means I have to survive on half pay for the next 7 months due to a mistake my employer has made.  I'm a school teacher who doesn't get paid a huge amount anyway, so it's going to have to be a thrifty existence this spring/summer.

[momtara]

Ugh, sorry to hear it. Can you teach summer school for extra money? Or will that give you less time with son? I hope you see him soon and can undo some of the damage. He is still young and has a long life ahead of him, and will be glad someday that you fought so very hard for him.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for keeping us posted.  Did you get the decree as you expected?

RC

[Dragon72]

This week the judge ordered my wife to start once more to take my son to his school where he has gone since he started to walk and to which my wife hasn't been taking him since she walked out in August. 

It is one of the best and most expensive private schools in the country. It is where I work as a high-school teacher and I have a 90% paid scholarship for him. Next year it goes up to 100%. It is also a bilingual and bicultural school.  My son is bilingual and bicultural. It is by far the best place for him to be enrolled and it is in his best interests.

So, of course, my wife is going against the judge's order and is asking the judge for permission to un-enrol him from my school (she currently needs my permission to do that) and enrol him in the local state-funded school. 

We expect an answer from the judge next week.

As for custody, the judge wants my wife and me to undergo a psychological evaluation (April 1 and 2 respectively) before ruling on that.

It's getting hard to stay positive.

[ForeverDad]

As for custody, the judge wants my wife and me to undergo a psychological evaluation before ruling on her request to change schools.

Seems to me the judge is suspecting there's some sort of mental health issue.  Or maybe the judge is covering all the bases.  Whichever, this is good.  While a psych eval may be limited to a person's mental state, it is a good indicator in general.

For a more in-depth scrutiny, a custody evaluation usually takes months, is expensive but does dig deeper into the family dynamic and can make recommendations for custody and parenting.

I know how uncertain the outcome can appear, but a lot of what you're experiencing, considering ex's continuing obstruction, is largely catastrophizing, things really are probably not as bad as they seem.  She's continuing to contest the prior status and the judge's decision.  That the judge didn't rubber stamp her motion is a good indicator.  Yes, it's not a slam dunk but you don't need to be so on-edge.

Continue showing that you're the reasonably normal parent, focused on the children and providing practical solutions.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  Hang in there, and keep us posted!

RC

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 4 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335579.0