Part 4: Wife not giving me access to son

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod Note:  Part 3 of this thread is here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334547.0

The latest is that the judge has decided to let my wife take our son out of the top private school he has been enrolled in since he was 20 months old.  

This is a big blow. I feel like this is the thin end of the wedge. This is a clear sign that the judge is acting in my wife's, not my son's, interests and certainly not in my interests as I was not consulted at all.  In his deposition to the judge, my son even said that he wanted to go back to his school to which my wife was refusing to take him.  I am of course appealing.

Over 7 months have now passed since legal proceedings bagan and I still haven't even been able to visit my son.  There is not a shred of anything in the case that shows that I have been anything other than a model parent and yet I have had nothing go my way yet.

My lawyer said that he thinks the Mexican court system is being "over-protective in favour of weak women and defenseless children, especially because the father [me] is blond, strong and foreign" (all his words).

On Monday I have to go be psychologically assessed for the judge. My wife does the same on Tuesday.  A week later I will be deposed in my legal action against my wife for what she's done to me.

I'm beginning to lose heart though, and I am aware that, in spite of going to weekly therapy, I am becoming more and more depressed.

[Dragon72]

Mod Note:  Part 3 of this thread is here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334547.0

The latest is that the judge has decided to let my wife take our son out of the top private school he has been enrolled in since he was 20 months old.  

This is a big blow. I feel like this is the thin end of the wedge. This is a clear sign that the judge is acting in my wife's, not my son's, interests and certainly not in my interests as I was not consulted at all.  In his deposition to the judge, my son even said that he wanted to go back to his school to which my wife was refusing to take him.  I am of course appealing.

Over 7 months have now passed since legal proceedings bagan and I still haven't even been able to visit my son.  There is not a shred of anything in the case that shows that I have been anything other than a model parent and yet I have had nothing go my way yet.

My lawyer said that he thinks the Mexican court system is being "over-protective in favour of weak women and defenseless children, especially because the father [me] is blond, strong and foreign" (all his words).

On Monday I have to go be psychologically assessed for the judge. My wife does the same on Tuesday.  A week later I will be deposed in my legal action against my wife for what she's done to me.

I'm beginning to lose heart though, and I am aware that, in spite of going to weekly therapy, I am becoming more and more depressed.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry to hear of the discouraging setback.  Don't lose heart.  Keep working the problems.  How does the process work where you are with regards to visitation?  Is there a process to get a temporary visitation order?

RC

[Dragon72]

It seems that the process to get visitation is via the judge who is handling the case. The judge has made it clear that he's not going to make a ruling on visitation or custody until after psuchological assessments have been made on both parents.  They happen next week.

I think I might try my country's embassy here to see if they can put pressure on the judge.

[ForeverDad]

An important question I have is this, How experienced is the person doing the psychological evaluation?  I ask because when I went to my county agency I had maybe as much as two hours in a session with a written questionnaire administered by a local university grad student.  On the other hand, that lack of experience still came out with a decent psych eval ... my issue was anxiety.  Quite predictable.

Psych evals are good but may be of limited benefit.  They may identify PD traits but not detail how they could or would impact parenting.  A custody evaluation performed by an experienced expert digs deeper into the family dynamic and dysfunction.  Did the judge name a reputable expert familiar and trusted by the court?

My experience when I first separated... .  Our court order was we both to take psych evals and share the results with the other side.  I went to the county agency and a psych student from the local university gave me a test and interviewed me.  It was a one page report listing: anxiety.  Well, clueless me, I just let my lawyer hand over my results.  Then we waited.  And waited.  To this day I still don't know if she ever went for her evaluation.  From frustrations like that I learned to tell my lawyer, don't share or gift anything first if information is to be exchanged.  "Dear other lawyer, We have FD's results.  Please inform us when Ex's results are ready so we can exchange them at the same time."

I would not be surprised that your ex won't have her eval done by the next court hearing.  Your lawyer should then present your results and seek an immediate and generous parenting schedule.

I believe an appeal is proper since the judge's decision on school was issued before the parents' psych evals.

If your Ex fails to take her test and her lawyer predictably asks for more time, is your lawyer prepared to immediately file for temporary custody (or some appropriate consequences such as substantive parenting time) until she complies?

It is so puzzling that you haven't been allowed any time with your child for all these months.  In the USA you'd probably at least get regular supervised visitation until the professionals could inform the judge that you're not a danger to your child, usually accomplished in a few weeks.  Not that we want to give the impression to anyone that we're okay with limited to supervised visitation, but if that's the only temporary option, then it's okay to ask for supervised on an interim basis while awaiting the professionals to determine there are no concerns about you.

Be very prepared that the court may issue its initial decision based only on "going forward".  Sadly, many courts let go of the past events, I've concluded it tries to avoid making either parent look bad, hoping the parents figure out how to get along post-marriage.  You can ask for make-up time.  (Actually, I think you should!   What is your lawyer's stance on that?)  How she managed to contrive so many months of blocking is horrendous.  Are you asking for at least 50% time, and majority if she lives outside the area?  Leave the door open in case her eval is bad so your lawyer jump on it and ask for majority time.

[Dragon72]

My lawyers suspect that the Mexican courts are overly protective over "vulnerable women and children" especially in my case where I am white, blond and foreign and therefore perceived to be rich and powerful (as white Mexicans overwhelmingly tend to be). Never mind the fact that I'm just a humble school teacher who really doesn't get paid much at all.

I went yesterday for my psych evaluation, only to spend hourse waiting only to be told to fill out a questionnaire and they fixed an appointment with a psych for Thursday this week.  The questionnaire was long and asked me to characterize my relationship with my wife before and after marriage leading up to the separation and also my relationship with my son. 

I'm not really sure what to expect on Thursday with the psych. They told me it will take 4-6 hours!

[formflier]

   

I too find it weird that a judge would allow a school change prior to evals being done.

 Focus on getting as much sleep as you can...and get through the eval.

Hang in there.  We are all rooting for you.

 Regarding embassy call idea.  I would ask your Ls what they think is best.  Follow their advice .

FF

[GaGrl]

Four to six hours sounds intense. I'm sure you'll be fine, but what is your wife's reaction to a prolinged, stressful situation like that?

[Dragon72]

I think my wife will be pretty focused on painting me in the darkest obsidian shade of black.  I think she'll do okay. She's a very practised and convincing liar.

[Dragon72]

Update.

This week it will be 11 months since my wife left me and has not let me see my son.  I was able to see him for literally 15 seconds in front of the judge in February, but have been denied even supervised access pending the results of a psych eval (which I "passed", but she subsequently appealed).

The case is currently in the Appeals Court awaiting a verdict expected some time in the next few weeks.

She accused me of abusing our son. There was a police investigation which concluded that no abuse had taken place, and of course the psych eval showed me to be a caring person, and showed her to be "lacking in empathy".

Separately, I initiated a public prosecution against my wife for "violencia familiar" (domestic harm) caused by her willful break up of the family. The public prosecutors did their own investigations and psych eval and have concluded that a crime (violencia familiar) had taken place, that I was a victim of that crime and present signs of psycho emotional damage and that my stbx wife was the cause.

This is good for my case and bad for hers. We expect more developments in August/September.

[GaGrl]

I'm glad you checked in with us, and I'm so sorry your case continues to drag at a snail's pace.

We care, and we're here for you.

How confident are you that a decision is weeks away?

[Enabler]

Dragon72, it's a travesty that you have to fight so hard to get what should be a given. I can understand the courts caution but surely the cautious move would be to remove your son from your exW. I feel for you bro. You're a strong man, keep up the fight.

Enabler 

[formflier]

Thanks for the update...continue to be strong.  It appears the end of your road is near!

FF

[Dragon72]

I have been continuing to go to weekly talk therapy (which the lawyer believes my wife will have to reimburse me for, given the conclusions of the latest psych eval conducted by the judiciary's domestic violence victims' psych team).

I'm trying to work hard on dealing with the anxiety of the case, as well as on my own codependent tendencies. It's been tough.

Most of all, I'm sad for my son, who is the real victim of my wife's irrational behaviour.

[Dragon72]

I'm a school teacher and the summer vacation has just started. Most people would be over the moon to be on vaca for 5 weeks, but I'm not. I'm home alone with my friends (and shrink!) all away and I don't have enough $ to get away. So I'm going to have to find cheap ways to stay busy and not be chewing things over in my head.

[Dragon72]

Update:
It's been 1 year 1 month and 2 days since my stbxw left and took our son (then age 4) and I haven't been allowed to see him in all that time except for 15 seconds (yes, seconds) when he went to talk to the judge.

Latest developments:
Positive: The appeal judge decreed that I can have interim access to my son in a visitation center (supervised). Waiting to hear what the arrangements are in terms of time and days. So I may actually finally get to see my boy soon, albeit in far from ideal circumstances.

Negative: when the appeal judge's verdict on the visitation came out, it was very critical of my wife and said that there was absolutely no reason why I should be kept apart from my son and that she had "invented" events to portray me in a bad light.  Her response has been to double down on her false allegations against me of abusing our son, even though the authorities have already concluded that no abuse took place. This has held up the custody case once again as she is claiming to have "evidence" in the form of an interview that a psychologist (that my wife hired privately) had with our son.

This process is really dragging out and all the while, my son hasn't been in school and I am sure is being brainwashed against me.

So frustrating.

[formflier]

Thanks for the update.

What is status of consequences happening to your wife for "inventing" the abuse? 

Hang in there!

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

It's frustrating to have to deal with supervised visitation, but it isn't uncommon when it comes to reuniting a small child with a parent they haven't seen in a long time.  Do you know yet how long it will have to be supervised?

I'm glad there has been some movement on the case.

[Dragon72]

The public prosecutor's are indicating her for that and for the psychological and emotional damage she inflicted on me as a result of her wilful actions.
But these things take a ridiculous amount of time. She and her lawyer are very adept at obfuscation, delay tactics and distraction.

[formflier]

Has she been charged yet or are they saying that they will charge her?

Best,

FF

[Dragon72]

They haven't charged her yet, but they will soon (next couple of weeks or so).  The prosecutors investigated my case and had their own psychs do an assessment on me and concuded in a report that emotional and psychological "violence" took place, that I was the victim and that she was the perpetrator. 

My lawyer said that, here in Mexico, its unheard of for them to do that in favor of a man. My lawyer seems confident that this means that my stbxw will have to reimburse me 6 months of therapy fees and that the fonding could tip the balance in my favor in terms of custody.

I'm taking nothing as a given, since I've had nothing but favorable decisions in the courts, only for them to be blocked or delayed by my stbxw, and we're 13 months deep and I still haven't been allowed anywhere near my boy who was stolen from me.

[formflier]

So...how are you doing? 

What kinds of stuff are you doing for self care? 

Would it help you to post more here but maybe chat about all kinds of other stuff?  We are currently debating the merits of the Impossible Whopper in the "Stump the experts (off topic) " place.

I hate this for you and I also admire your perseverance.  It sounds like you are on the right track.  Stay strong.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

Yes, we would really like to hear more from you!

[Grady]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through but the latest news sounds promising.  It's great that you should be able to see your son soon.  And it's also great the evaluations and investigations are pointing in your favor.  Hang in there.  I hope your nightmare ends soon.  It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can.  Good eventually trumps evil. 

[Dragon72]

Thanks for the support everyone.

Still no news on when I'll get to see my boy.

I remain optimistic about the situation, but I'm getting less inclined to use the word "soon" when talking about a possible resolution. This time a year ago I thought it would be resolved "soon" as then, as now, everything was pointing in my favor.

Never underestimate a pwbpd's determination to screw you over once you've been painted a permanent shade of black. I don't think I'll ever get to what I think is the best outcome which is shared and cooperative parenting.

As for self-care, I'm seeing a therapist once a week, trying to join social events at least once a week, exercising 4 to 5 times a week, eating right. But I'm conscious that I have been drinking too much when out with friends at weekends, so I need to get a handle on that.

It's hard though. I've been through hell these last 13 months, and although I am very aware that I played my codependent part in allowing my relationship to reach certain points, I still feel bitter, wronged and in no way deserving of what my stbx did. To falsely accuse someone of child abuse in order to gain full custody is unspeakably malicious. That has been hard to deal with.

[formflier]

Which of your self care efforts seems to "pay off" the most...or which do you enjoy the most. 

Really pleased to see that you have a diverse set of activities to help keep you going. 

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

Are you still doing the choir thing? That sounded cool

[Dragon72]

About the choir thing, you may be confusing me with someone else.

What I find makes me feel good the most is the exercise.  I'm loving my running these days and I'm getting a real runners' high after each one.  During my long summer vacation I did a couple of big long (500 miles each) bicycle tours, cycling between towns during the day and sightseeing and spending each night in a new place.  Really blew the cobwebs away and got me away from it all.

I really enjoy cooking too.  It's creative, constructive and gratifying.

I find that whenever I am home with nothing to do, I ruminate on the situation and feel the worst. So most of the time when I'm not at work I'm trying to find healthy and cheap ways to distract myself.  I need cheap diversions, since she's getting more than 50% of my net salary and I have to keep my belt pretty tight these days.

[kells76]

About the choir thing, you may be confusing me with someone else.

I think that was Roland Of Eld, who was in sort of a similar situation (overseas). Also haven't heard from him in a while... hope things are OK.

I really enjoy cooking too.  It's creative, constructive and gratifying.

What do you like to cook, Dragon72? I'm not as good of a cook as DH, but I've gotten into baking and trying more complicated bread. Really love homemade challah and Italian loaves. Cooking-wise we try to pick a different country once a week, do some cursory Wikipedia research, and get as close as we can. Jamaica and Eritrea have been surprise hits!

Do you have much time to read for fun? I've found that as much as I really love good thick literature, I have a soft spot for spy thrillers. Kind of nice to have a mindless fun read now and then.

[Dragon72]

I live in Mexico, so I cook a lot of Mexican food as the ingredients are readily available and very cheap (tomatillos, chiles, avocados etc.). But I also like to mix it up with curries, Italian, French and Far Eastern inspired dishes.  I love the challenge of opening the fridge door and coming up with a tasty meal.

Most of my reading these days has been self-help related and, ironically, I don't think that's always healthy. I think I may switch back to some fiction for an escape. Any recommendations?

[kells76]

Oh man, cheap avocados... kind of jealous!

My husband makes a great curry peanut sauce. Do you do much Thai cooking?

Another cuisine that was a great hit was central Asian/Persian. They cook rice a little differently there -- you WANT to get it all crusty on the bottom, and then that's the prize part of the dish. I can't remember the name for the rice crust, but it has this special name. Starts with a T?

I know the feeling of getting so wrapped up in SH books (even really good ones) that it gets unhealthy. Good to recognize.

Do you like sci fi? We've been on a SF kick lately. David Brin (of "The Postman" fame, though I didn't like the book that much) wrote a really fun twin set of trilogies called the Uplift series. Also just read "Lucifer's Hammer" by Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle... giant comet hits the earth and how folks survive/adapt afterwards. Fast paced, easy to get sucked into. Good distraction 

Spy thrillers: the Gabriel Allon series by Daniel Silva has been fun; not high level literature (you can kind of predict the plot after having read one), but it reads very "cinematically" like watching a B+ spy movie.

For deeper literature, I've really liked Alexander Solzhenitsyn. I think he gets what life is all about. "Cancer Ward" is wonderful, as is the uncensored "In The First Circle".

I've dipped into "business scandal" nonfiction. Did you ever read "The Smartest Guys in the Room" about Enron? I know next to nothing about business, accounting, econ, finance, etc, but it was so well written I could follow pretty well.